slowly Returning

So, after many many many months of not blogging, i am back. Not really sure what my latest blog was or what you all know but in short, in January this year i had a severe asthma attack that woke me up early in the morning. Got blue lighted to resus where i aparently had the ITU consultant bagging me untill they could get the COAL machine down from the unit. After spending a few days there, i went to the respiratory ward to need the crash team coming to my bed side as i rapidly deteriorated again. A few days after this my body decided enough was enough it needed to rest and recover so went unconcious for just under 24 hours. Horribly i woke up with breathing tubes down my throat and bang my severe complex ptsd is nade 10000000 times worse. On the 11th february (my birthday) i got moved to a secure mental health unit when i was put on observations for 2 months because my self harming had increased and i wanted to commit suicide. My lungs were and still are deteriorating rapidly. My lung function is now only 35%. My proximal myopathy has left me wheelchair bound and unable to stand. As i said previously my ptsd has gone wild and i am now being tested to see if i have a neuromuscular disease like MS. After 7 months in hospital i came home on the 4th july. I am having community support teams visitng once sometimes twice a weeks to give me help and i also have my wife looking after me full time. I am doing ok, trying to find things to do thats adapted to a life in a wheelchair and im trying to make new friends. I will try my best to keep blogging, but for now, please keep me in your prayers that things will get better. TTFN XXXX

Frustraistion, Upset and confusion

Unfortunalty 5 weeks on and I am still in hospital. To some yes this way seem that its not that long a time compared to some but for me its my longest ever stay and i hate it.

On Sunday i had another asthma attack that came on out of the blue, scared the shit out of me and ended up getting me sectioned for a short space of time.

I didnt want treatment. I want to b left to die but because i got transfered from the mental health hospital to the general hospitsl they kind of used it against me and sectioned me and forced the treatment on me which mega cheesed me off.

A physoclogist has seen me on the qard and my PTSD scoring has gone from 54 to 86 which aparentlt is through the roof and they are not happy with things being left any longer as its going to make me even more suicidal and my self harming is just going to continue increasing.
When i first got admitted here i told them i would do anything to kill myself. Ive tried 4 times but annoyingly have been found each time. One time by the skin of my teeth though as i was in a pretty bad shape aparently.

I just want all this to be over. I want my legs to start working again. I want my lungs to start working and and i want my head to realise it cant control me any more.

All that being said though, i doubt itll be achieved...

TTFN

XXXX