Frustraistion, Upset and confusion

Unfortunalty 5 weeks on and I am still in hospital. To some yes this way seem that its not that long a time compared to some but for me its my longest ever stay and i hate it.

On Sunday i had another asthma attack that came on out of the blue, scared the shit out of me and ended up getting me sectioned for a short space of time.

I didnt want treatment. I want to b left to die but because i got transfered from the mental health hospital to the general hospitsl they kind of used it against me and sectioned me and forced the treatment on me which mega cheesed me off.

A physoclogist has seen me on the qard and my PTSD scoring has gone from 54 to 86 which aparentlt is through the roof and they are not happy with things being left any longer as its going to make me even more suicidal and my self harming is just going to continue increasing.
When i first got admitted here i told them i would do anything to kill myself. Ive tried 4 times but annoyingly have been found each time. One time by the skin of my teeth though as i was in a pretty bad shape aparently.

I just want all this to be over. I want my legs to start working again. I want my lungs to start working and and i want my head to realise it cant control me any more.

All that being said though, i doubt itll be achieved...

TTFN

XXXX

Hospital, Asthma And Mental Illness

Saturday 31st January 2015...at 7am i woke with a very rude awakening, yet another asthma attack. Its never nice waking up struggling to breathe, having a peak flow of 90 and sats of 81% so we got an ambulance straight away.

By the time i got to resus i was shattered. All the usual drugs were given and ICU had been contacted. They came to visit me in resus and all i remember is waking with the ICU consultant holding ny head and holding a bag and valve mask to my face as he was bagging me.
So, as you can probably guess i went to resus and was on NIV for 24 hours.

Once my gases had stabilised i begged to leave ICU because of the trauma it causes me so thankfully they got me to the ward pretty quickly. U fortunatly,the first night on the ward there was a crash call put out for me.and the resus trolly placed next to my bed. The ICU cons then rushed me for an urgent CT scan to make sure i had no clots as my gases were shocking. Thankfully i didnt but i did however have double pneumonia and some shadows on my lungs. The pneumonia had been treated and ive gotta go back when more stable to have biopses on my lungs to figure out what the shadows are.

Three days later i was getting better and my consultant wanted to see how my heart was doing as he though he could hear issues. So off i pop for the scan and guess what, i have fluid building up on my heart. Perfect. So now i need a second heart scan this sunday to see how fast it is building up.

Thursday morning I started to feel a little better and even managed to put on a film. 10 minutes in and now i have no recollection of what went on. I only know what ive been told because i went unresponsive. They think that this is a result of my asthma attack and my body being extremely exhausted. Nothing could wake me. They put stupid amounts of pressure on my chest, collar bones and eye sockets abd it didnt wake me. Aparently they also put in an oral airway and i even tolerated that. I am now sacred shitless that thisll happen with every attack i have.

My consultant has now also started me on hypertonic saline nebs to try and shift the rediculous amounts of mucus i have building up. At the moment all is going good though it is making me mouth stupidly sore.

Following all this, it has really fucked up my head and i really dont want to live anymore. So i finally managed to build up the courage to tell the staff at hospital how i felt about my suicidal intentions abd as a result ive been admitted to a secure mental health unit.

All this happened on my birthday and it sucks. What a great birthday.

I got put on level three line of sight because of the risks and my intentions to die.

The second night of my being here i really did just have enough so tide stuff around my neck. Sadly though about 5 minutes later i got caught. Needless to say im mega pissed off.

Ive also managed to get hold of things and cut up my arm aswell. All of this because of stupid PTSD abd flashbacks from ITU admissions. I really want this to end. If not the flash backs then my life...

TTFN

XXXX

Flashbacks, Nightmares And PTSD

Ever had the feeling you were dying, of that you didnt belong, or simply just that you wanted to give up!? Ive suffered these and to this day and far into the future I will continue to suffer these problems. Sadly over the past three or four days ive been having the worst nightmares, flash backs and my PTSD is really flaring up. The one image I keep reliving is one from when I lived on my own in Clevedon. I had wrote about this story before but it was a long time ago so im hoping that maybe talking about it again may lay the history to rest and that little cabinate in my head can lock the memory away. It was roughly 3AM. My lungs were giving me hell again, but it wasnt severe. As a result I rang the good old 111 in the hope to get a doctor out to me or be able to see the doctor at his location. I had an alert on my address and name to which the nurse in the phone had picked up on and told me I was being put through as a priority instantly. Perfect. 5 minutes later and I had the doctor on the phone. As he was worried he told me he was going to send the on call doc that was free and closest to me. He told me the doc would be with me in no later than half an hour. Grand. Three hours later, the doc hadnt turned up and my landline phone couldnt dial out. The last person to phone me hadnt hung up properly at their end. Where I use to live there was also no mobile signal. Unfortunately, by this time I was no struggling really bad. My thoughts of getting the on call doc to me sooner to prevent and admission had failed because they didnt turn up. I remember pressing the emergency system I had set up on my phone and that roughly it for the next few minutes. The next thing I know, there are 4 paramedics and 2 police officers standing around me in my bedroom. My front door had been smashed in by the police. Aparently the paramedics had been ringing the bell but was clearly getting no answer as I was out cold. The paramedics were panicking. The couldnt get a line in so they told me the put oxygen and nebulisers on me as my oxygen levels were 82%. They then had to give me IM adrenaline, hydrocortisone and clorophenamine hust incase my attack was triggered by an allergen which they could work out as I was unresponsive. I then got taken in the ambulance and rushed on blues and twos into resus where thankfully I was a little better but had be labelled "status asthmaticus". Id never heard this befor, and it wasnt till I was in ITU that it had been explained to me. Dont get me wrong, I thank my lucky stars I survived this attack. Many recent events have shown me life is great, people care and I am loved. Its just somedays, like yesterday where I was in bed all day because my legs didnt want to work, where I wish my life had ended that night. There must of been a reason why god decided to not give me the help I needed by that doctor, but for him to then send all those medics did he realise he done wrong?! Had he realised he made a mistake!? From this I can only pressume I survived this attack like all my others (over 60 now) because something or someone was out there for me... ...I believe this to be my girlfriend. TTFN XXXX

Terrified

Im home...thats the main thing. By this though im home in body, not in mind. Two weeks ago, my other half went out for a walk with Dixie. About half an hour later it started to happen. I was so scared. I had no idea how long she would be and I couldny get through to her as she had no signal. So I sat there waiting. Nebbing. Worrying. When my lovely lady returned she was worried. She called an ambulance straight away. Because of how long I was sat there on my own nebbing, by the time the ambulance crew came my chest was silent. Honestly though I was only sat there for roughly 45 minutes and then we were waiting about 10 minutes for tge ambulance crew so not really that long considering how I used to leave things whilst living in the city. Being rushed into resus I knew what was coming...shit loads of blood gases and boy wasnt I fight. The nurse that was assigned to me was initially nice...and then found out I was gay. She gave my partner the most filfiest look ever, then chucked a peak flow meter at me, then yanked the neb mask off my face half way through a neb and told me I need to stop panicking. By this point I was telling my other half, one more bit of nasty treatment and I was leaving and taking myself to plymouth. The doctot that was assigned to me initially didnt want me to have any drugs either. I told her what treatment I needed but she said I wasnt poorly enough. Off she sends me for another xray as the first wasnt all that clear and then come back to me and says "I would like to do another blood gas as the first two shows signs off deterioration. If this one does also ill put up some magnesium and we will have to get ITU to take a look at you". Funnily enough because treatment hadnt been started, my third blood gas was worse again. After one lot of IV antibiotics, my cannula tissued and my arm blew up. I told the doctor but they didnt believe me so left it 3 hours for my arm to shrink before running the magnesium through it. And guess what, my arm blew up again and they had to recanulate. By this point of course I had been moved to the medical admissions unit to be closely monitored. I think it was around 5 am (though not entirly sure as I was asleep) and I got woken by the lady doctor again asking if I was ok as my observations were going off the chart. She listen to my chest and the next thing I know shes running away from me. Then I heard it, she was on the phone to ITU. 4 more blood gases later, 15liters of oxygen on a rebreathe mask and finally the magnesium, oh and of course an ITU doctor. Thankfully though at this point the remained wanting to keep an eye on me. By the time alk this had happened it was now morning (officially in hospital world) and I had the day med reg come to see me who thankfully was a respiratory reg. She was not impressed with how I had been treated and demanded I needed IV aminophylinne immediatly. Once this was up and running, and I had all the oxygen running through for roughly 12 hours I started to feel a little better. The lovely resp reg came back to see me at 8pm to make sure I was ok before going home. We had a good old chat and she told me that she spoke to my team at derriford and new abit more about my asthma which was going to help her treat me. Unfortunatly though the next day she was in clinic and wasnt able to review me herself. Once all the aminophylinne had run through, my partner took me in my wheelchair out to the corridor on my oxygen to see my friend. She wasnt allowed on the ward because she has an 8 month old son which is fair enough. Whilst out in the corridor, the resp doc saw me and asked how I was. I told her the truth. I was starting to feel shit again since the drip had been down. By 9pm, I had 4 doctirs at my bed. The resp reg couldnt make it herself to see me but she sent a team of docs into review me. Suprise suprise my chest was back to being silent...AGAIN. Another dose of magnesium and more aminophylinne and we were going through it all again...and ITU looki g after me on the ward because there were no beds up in ITU. (This following bit I cant actually remember, its what my partners told me) The next day, I was very very sleeepy. After lunch I got up for a wee and then I remember no more. Aparently I was very sleepy and not really responding. I had more magnesium and of course the aminophylinne was still running. My partner got asked whether she wanted my mum to drive down because I was really poorly. The next thing I know, my mum and step dad, my mother in law, plus 3 docs, 2 nurses an ITU reg and an ITU consultant was at my bed...and I was off to intensive care. The next 24 hours was all a bit of a blur and I hated it. Thankfully though the ITU team were fantastic, though left me bruised from foot to wrist...literally as they started using my feet to get blood and give me drugs. It turns out that the whole of the lower half my lungs were fully of infection. The nasty thing is, because the Infection was irritating my lungs so much I had now started coughing up blood. I had physios and doctors all working with me to help me get better. A week later I felt better. I was no where near safe but I couldnt cope being on ITU so I asked to go home if there was no beds on the resp ward. My pf was still only 150 but I agreed to stay in bed and not move...and ive stuck to my word. The thi g that got me the most in ITU was a CODP man got rushed in 2 days after me. He started iff breathing on his own. It then mived to NIV. And then it moved to him being tubed. Everything I could hear was exactly like when I was tubed. I didnt sleep at all since that man arrived. Each time I closed my eyes I got flash backs and was terrified. So on the wednesday the docs agreed for my mental health It would be safe for me to go home. I have my partner here looking after me and ITU arranged for the early intervention team to pay me a few visits to make sure I was still going in the right direction. Now that im home though, im still not sleeping well. Im napping on and off throughoit the afternoon. Then I fall asleep at mindnight for an hour and then im awake again till 0630. I think sleep for roughly another 1 - 2 and then im awake again. I hate it. I just want to sleep and recover. Thankfully though, I have a great friend who stayed with me through facebook when my attack started two weeks ago and this same friend has allowed me to use her netflix account so that I can watch films through out the night on my kindle whilst my other half and pooch are asleep besides me. One bonus about being awake at 5am is that you get to hear the birds waking up as everything else is silent. Its actually very peacful. TTFN XXXX

Short Update

Hi everyone, Just an update. Im am in Intensive Care with my asthma. Been here since last week which is why ive not been updating. As soon as im home, youll here from me TTFN XXXX

Frustration!!

Early for waking wasnt the word for this morning but I figured because we went to bed so late if I were to nod back off I would have never woken up in time for the big day. Yes, that day that ive been stressing about has come, its the naming ceremony for our friends little boy. We got there around 1pm, my other half set up her cake and I started sorting my camera to allow for the right amount of lighting and to take pictures of the items that were scattered around like napkins, flowers and the naming certificate. People started to file in at roughly 1330-1400 and all was going to play and I managed to get around 150 photos ish. (Ill let you know for sure tomorrow). Excited that I had enough confidence to be able to do these photos, things couldnt stay perfect. I decided to have an asthma attack. Friggin perfect. Sats dropped to 90% and heart rate shit up to 134. I wasnt even going to do my peak flow. I was starting treatment no matter what. Thankfully, a few back to back nebs and all was dandy and the day continued. We flew home for a 45 minute breather before the meal this evening because I was just to exhausted. We had to be back for the meal in another part of Cornwall for roughly 1900. Everyone was atill super nice, and I feel I have now managed to broadened my friendship circle for my new county im living in. The food was really late for coming out, and about 2030, I was starting to feel sluggish again, and as I went to take a bite of my nail (being the annoying nail biting person I am) I notice my nail beds were purple, I instantly jump up to go and check my oxygen levels. On my way over to get my bad, someone walks by me having had a ciggerette, and bang, if I wasnt going off on another asthma attack I was now. So pissed off that ive had two attacks in one day, all I want to do is enjoy my life and hobbies but each time ive just built up to be happy, bang shit gets thrown back in my face!! Lets just say I will be hybernating in my bedroom tomoorow on my computer just editing photos. Nothing more and nothing less as I am adiment I will be going camping on Tuesday!! Although my lungs have given me hell today, I have to admit I am proud of myself. I really was mega worried and scared that I would end up flumping the whole day but I think and feel it went reasonably well!! Thats all from me for another day!! TTFN XXXX P... I forgot to say, the registrar that done the naming ceremony has told myself and my other that she would do out whole wedding and paper signing for £115. Doing it this way with her also means that we could legally get married ANYWHERE. Whether it be a beach or our back garden so we are certainly keeping things in mind for a potential marriage plan!!

Not Your Typical Sunday!!

Panic struck last night. After roughly 10 minutes after we turned off the lights to settle to sleep, I started coughing. At first I though, ah its only a cough...and then it continued and each breath I tried taking I was coughing instantly and I couldnt catch my breath, then, my chest went tight. The minute this second stage happen I thought, bollocks, I cant have an attack now, I must get to Dorset this week. So, on goes the lights again, and off with the nebs I go, thankfully, because I jumped on it as quickly as it arrived. A few nebs and I was settled so I was a happy bunny and went to sleep. Today on the other hand, I swear the pollen count is high. My throat is so itchy and scratchy (shoooow...sorry had to add that in) and irritated that its like im swollowing glass, that and a streaming nose and just generally feeling yucky, hay fever style!! I have a funny feeling that yhese new antihistamines arnt liking my body as much and I may have to go back to my old ones. Again this rash on my face that ive been telling you about decided to reappear. We really are confused as to what could be causing it. Its not overly itchy, but its coming up in the exact same places as what it always is and its like a red/orange sort of colour. It really is baffleing us. I guess if it persists ill have to go to the docs about that also...oh they are going to love me!! In chirpier news though, we took the pup around the feild again this morning and she had a good old paddle in the stream. Then we took her to a shop called trago, got her a jumping hoop to practice some agility tricks. We also took her around the pond that is there also. After our trip there, we were off to our friends who live near Looe. We got invited for dinner with them and it was super lush. We nattered masses and she also gave me my birthday present. Yes ok its late, but (and a huge but) im going to let her off as she made it herself, and when you have a 7 month old teething baby, thats going to be a huge challenge. Anyway, it was a knitted slouch hat made in rainbow cours with its main colour yellow which is epic as its my favourite colour. I love it that much its been on my head from the minute she gave it me to the minute ive jumped into bed. Whilst we were with our friend, because the live in the middle of nowgere in the country side, we went for a little gander to the next farm over to have a look at the new baby lambs. I just wish I had my blinking camera. After all this excitment, I decided my car was now disgustingly filfthy, so we went to the car wash. Dixie was petrified and when the turny clothy thing was coming at us, Dixie couldnt have backed up and further into my lap. Atleast we can say shes heard new noises. With all this business going on, when we got home I literally collapsed on the sofa. We found out that my other halfs sister has been really sad today as shes having a lot of problems with her lower back. Recently she got diagnosed with a curviture of the spine and it is leaving her in agony despite being on lots of pain releif. Along with this, because of the pain and the drugs shes currently on, she cant drive to work and she also cant do her job because shes a midwife. I feel mega sorry for her as I know exactly how she feels. Because she lives roughly 200 miles away from us I felt helpless so me and my other half decided to send her a balloon through the post. Its great. Its a tortoise that has little feet that weigh the helium balloon down so in theory it walks when you pull it along with the string. We just hope it makes her smile, even if just for five brief minutes!! We will let you know. Its due to be delivered on Tuesday!! Well thats all for now... TTFN XXXX