slowly Returning

So, after many many many months of not blogging, i am back. Not really sure what my latest blog was or what you all know but in short, in January this year i had a severe asthma attack that woke me up early in the morning. Got blue lighted to resus where i aparently had the ITU consultant bagging me untill they could get the COAL machine down from the unit. After spending a few days there, i went to the respiratory ward to need the crash team coming to my bed side as i rapidly deteriorated again. A few days after this my body decided enough was enough it needed to rest and recover so went unconcious for just under 24 hours. Horribly i woke up with breathing tubes down my throat and bang my severe complex ptsd is nade 10000000 times worse. On the 11th february (my birthday) i got moved to a secure mental health unit when i was put on observations for 2 months because my self harming had increased and i wanted to commit suicide. My lungs were and still are deteriorating rapidly. My lung function is now only 35%. My proximal myopathy has left me wheelchair bound and unable to stand. As i said previously my ptsd has gone wild and i am now being tested to see if i have a neuromuscular disease like MS. After 7 months in hospital i came home on the 4th july. I am having community support teams visitng once sometimes twice a weeks to give me help and i also have my wife looking after me full time. I am doing ok, trying to find things to do thats adapted to a life in a wheelchair and im trying to make new friends. I will try my best to keep blogging, but for now, please keep me in your prayers that things will get better. TTFN XXXX

Good vs Bad

Firstly yesterday. Bloody hell I was a right state. My partner was at the gym and i decided it would be a great idea to take our puppy for a walk. All was going well untill we got to a walkway that ran alongside a railway track. At the point of us getting to the track a steam train went by. Our puppy decided it was a great idea to try and chase it. So running as fast as she could her lead stretched as far as possible causing me to be pulled and i fell over which somehow caused her lead to unhook from her harness and she was gone. Because of my asthma and muscles disease i couldnt get to her. A well, undisabled person would of been able to chase their puppy and get them back but for me i couldnt. Plus i was super hurting from falling. At the end of the lane there was a cross roads that led to a road so i had every thought going through my head. I even had it that she had got onto the train track.

I rang the police and the wouldnt help, they told me to ring the non emergency police to which i done...once i got through they refused to help me and told me the emergency services shouldnt have told me to ring them. He told me to ring the council to get the dog warden. Once i got through to them (25minutes later) all they done was take my details just incase someone found her.

Thankfully a fellow dog walker saw me in a complete state and went hunting for her. She also gave me tasks to do whilst i stayed put just incase our puppy came back. I put a shout out on fb, i also rang to local radion and they also done a shout out for us and we rang around the local vets.

2 hours later i had a missed call and a man slowly drove past me asking for a street. That street being where i lived and as soon as i started talking, my voice must of been recognised as next thing i know my puppy jumped up in the back of his carmand went mental for me. (I didnt see her straight away as i was on the floor). The extremely kind man found her about a mile away looking like she was running away from something. I hate to think what was going through her head. As all i know is i was stressed, devestated and in a right straight. Its like a part of my heart had been taken out. Once home and since yesterday, our puppy has been super clingy and wont be in a room on her own so is following us everywhere.

Thanks to the pure kidness of some local people, we have our little pup back but i still keep thinking of the worse...

In good news though, i had a letter through the post today, and i was dreading it as there was a stamp on the front from the muscular dystrophy campaign.

I opened it up think the worst and that they wouldnt consider my application for a grant to get a mobility scooter because of the lack of evidence BUT they stated that theyve reviewed me as an emergency case and have granted me the top amount of £1000 to get the scooter that i had qouted for me as it was made specificly for me. All i need now is to get a further grant of £249 and the scooter have been paid in full so if anyone knows of a great charity that would be able to help me then please let me know...who knows, having this scooter could of prevented me from falling yesterday meaning our puppy wouldnt have gone missing

TTFN

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Wants Life To End

Literally, after today i really cant take any more.

All weekend ive been  spiralling further and further down because of things that are going on and im getting toy far into my depression im now struggling to pull myself out.

Being at mums was good in the fact that it was just me and my beautiful girlfriend but in theory it was just putting off the inevitable.

As soon as we got home, the shit literally hit the fan.

Argument kicked off, we were called ever name under the sun and we were made to feel like utter crap

And guess what the cause of it was...yup you got it, the happiest day of our lives, our  wedding.

My family have suprisingly been very supportive and happy for us. My partners on the other hand have really really kicked off, to the point theyve now told me im no longer doing their wedding photography and my  partner is no longer their bridesmaid. All this is because they arnt coming to the "ceremony" section of our wedding.

We are both so upset.

Its our day, we dont get why we are being treates like this.

Ive now contacted the welfare team for the councel explaining the urgency to get our own house as i fear that if im kept in this situation i will try to end my life again. They are just seeing what they can do to help and then will get back to us.

In good news though, ive now completed hat number 150 so another box is complete and ready to send.

TTFN

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Justgiving

In a few previous posts i have told you about a challenge i have set myself.

Because i have become a lot worse both muscles wise and lung wise i am pretty much stuck in bed unless its for an appointment and then im stuck in wheelchair.

So instead of sitting here feeling more sorry for myself i decided to set my set a challenge of knitting 4950 baby hats. 30 for every NICU unit throughout England.

I have so far knitted 12. 4 today alone.

Although they are hats for NICU units I have decided I want to raise money for a charity very close to my heart. Thisll be my second time raising money for them...

ASTHMA UK

Are my choose charity.

Your support will do me wonders. I have set up a just giving page so please please please support me by donating and sharing my page amongst your friends.

You could save my life by finding research to give me a better medication. You could chanhe my life around!!

Here is my page, keep sharing and please donate. It only has to be a small amount

Your page: http://www.justgiving.com/Charlie-Hockaday-Williams

TTFN

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Such A Nit Wit

As you can tell from the title, I still havnt learnt from my mistakes. Last night I had to put my steroids up because I was struggling so much, and today my lung function still isnt good, but that still didnt get me to sit on my arse and chill. I had to take my other half to volunteering at lunch time, but because we wetevearly, we decided to walk around the local park with the puppy. That initially killed me espevially as I decided to walk tjis time instead of using my wheelchair. Once I got back home, I had to sort all the pets foods out and get the rabbits in the run. I then had to have some dinner, do my meds and then try and sort my pc out, all before I had to then go pick the other half from work. Stupidly though, I promise my other half that we could go to a place called Cardinham woods and go for a walk with the pup and also have a 'naughty hot chocolate' because it is so hilly though I refused to have someone push me in my chair so ended up walking again. Safly though we only got about 5 minutes in and my legs were giving way and I couldnt breathe, so we had to turn around and go sit gown. I was gutted. Steroid myopathy and brittle asthma are so dibitating and is slowly killing my independance and freedom. My flash back are also flaring back up again. More than the usual daily stuff. I think its because my body is struggling again and its scaring me for what might happen. Im hoping they will settle down again soon!! My pain has also gone ridiculous. This is my fault though. Because of trying for a baby, I have stopped taking my morphine as I dont want it risking causing any harm to the foetus at all. Im considering asking my GP to refer me to rhe pain team to get things back under control. In happy news though, this week I lost another pound in weight. That means I have one pound and three quaters to loose and ive lost another stone in weight which totaled up, thats three stone since last August, im so chuffed with regards to that!! Well, sorry for the depressing post, I just had to talk to someone and you guys seem perfect. TTFN XXXX

Happiness To Ignorance!!

As its Monday, its weigh day again. I was dreading it. Because of having flu last week, I didnt really eat much real food, just general crap so I figured I was bound to put weight on. But...I didnt, yay. I lost another 1 1/4 so I was chuffed. I have 2 3/4 pounds to go and ive lost 3 stone since last August. Im over the moon. Never thought I would be able to shift this steroid induced weight but with pure determination and the support from my other half we are getting through it together, to ehich I must add that she to lost weight this week also!! I dropped my other half off into town at lunch time for her to do her volunteering and I firstly went off to the Doctors to get my prescription ready for going awayvtomorrow to which they told me that because I only ordered them on Thursday they werent ready yet. I ask how long till they were and they responded with 1430. I walked out ubber pissed off as that was in less than two hours time. The thing that hacked me off even more was that she picked my drugs up off the side as they were ready and prepared in the basket, all they needed was a final check and to be put into a friggin bag. It would have taken 5 minutes if that to sort, but no I have to go all the way back out there tomorrow in the opposite direction to our mini break and hope that they have all my drugs for me!! After this cock up I then had to get back to town to go to the dentist. I had to have a very small filling as my nebulisers have started effecting my teeth. Bearing in mind I am disabled, to which the dentist surgery are aware of because I told them itll be difficult to get to them as they dont have a lift and are on a first floor and its two flights of stairs up. So bearing this in mind, I climb the stairs, sit and wait 40 mins as they are running behind which is also very uncomfortable for my hip and then finally get called in, to what looks like an obsticle course, to which my dentist didnt move anything to allow me getting into the chair any easier. At this point, other than calling my name, he still hasnt said a single word to me. He then tips the chair back without prewarning me and then stabs the needled straight into my upper gum...again without no pre warning. The treat ment then begins and it seems the dentist has finally found his voice, but only to say if the grinding hurts, raise your left hand. I expected to have one of those clothes protector bib things on so they didnt splash my clothes with anything, but no, nothing and my jumper gets drenched. Again pissed off. After hes finished, he raise the chair up but still hasnt said a word to me so I guess hes finished and struggle back through the obsticle course to get back to the door. On my way out, I ask he how long it is untill I need another appointment and he sits there pondering and then say hmm I guess a year. A year, one fucking year. With being on long term steroids and clearly getting damage from my medication, he wants to leave it a year. My last dentist wanted me with her every 4-6 months. The conclusion to this barbaric treatment is : typical nhs. I have to admit, I much prefer private dentistry, just wish there was on local that would excempt me being exempt from payment because of ESA.ooo I almost for got, on top of all this, hes got filling paste all over my two teeth and its clearly visable which has also pissed me off as its my front two teeth!! So, after my crazy appointment I go home to chill out. Im so stressed from it and have another headache as a result. Not what I need. TTFN XXXX

Finding Money And Finding My Smile

Forgetting I had a birthday a few weeks ago means I forgot I was given money. Ok granted I still cant put petrol in the car but I can buy something if I need...though have to "walk" there to get what I need. My inlaws were really kind this morning and took myself and my partner swimming today. We go every Friday and we really didnt want to stop just because we couldnt use my bank card.with trying to loose weight, we figured it was a mudt, if we give up now. We will give up altogether!! Along with this, they said that they had to go to the local town to pay their bills and said that they will pick up my drugs. I really couldnt thank them enough for their kindness today. We were both really pleased with our progress with swimming though. Again we were the only two people in the pool, and just had a nice casual swim. I hip is in agony now though which really isnt good, especially as we just decided to take the puppy around the feild- twice. Ive decided though that I need to keep moving. If I stay sat all the time because of the pain, itll just get worse ehich is going to get me nowhere. In exciting news today, I had post from the bank. Yay!! Wow I wish you could hear my sarcasm right now because, the bank sent out a bank card with my old name still on it. Would love to know why they did that considering I went there personally to change it. So again I had to ring the bank and adk them what they were playing at. According to this gentleman on the phone, he doesnt understand why my card has been blocked in the first place, it doesnt make sense. Not to me nor them it seems. Muppets. If it wasnt such a pain in the rear I would change my bank, but I really cant be bothered with all the hassel. Were supposed to be meeting up with really great friends tomorrow in Exeter because its one of their birthdays today. They have been a real big support to both myself and my partner and I couldnt thank them enough. The one lady use to be a learner support assisstant in my old secondary school, we had no contact again untill roughly 3-4 years later when we saw each other at gay pride in Bristol. Two which I then established she was also now dating a lady. They were also at the time going through the same process as myself and my partner with having a baby and they now have a very beautiful baby girl who is full of life and always smiling. I really cant wait to start the process with my partner. Ok itll present some challenges no doubt with both life and health, but when doesnt a baby present challenges. Im sure youll all be pleased to hear that we have continued with our healthy eating also and tonight our tea is going to be meatball pasta bake. Weve also made another healthy soup for the next week. All these exciting new food really are keeping us motivated. Ok do I think ill stop rambling now!! TTFN XXXX

Pain-Worse Than Ever

Today was they day for the hopefull sorting of the pain in my hip. Waking up at 4am was, well, a massive challenge, but we done it and managed to pull of the drive at exactly 5am as planned. Go timing I say. We arrived at the surgical day unit just in time, managed to just get a seat in the busy waiting area and I was called in. Intially on my own as I hadnt a bloody clue what the heck was going on. I had a HCA start filling out my paperwork, and she got to the pregnancy question. Asked me when my last peroid was to which I told her it was the first week of February. All was dandy, then said, we will have to do a pregnancy test. I said its not possible, im in a gay relationship and im on the pill. She was addiment I needed to do a pregnancy test. I was addiment I wasnt and decided to tell her, if another woman could make me pregnant, we would have the family we are longing for. That was the end of that subject. After, she left the bay so I decided that I was off to get my other half as I couldnt cope with stress or hassel. Once my partner was with me, we carried on filling in more paperwork. She asked my marital status, to which I told her I was cohabiting and this is my partner. She pondered over the question in her head a little, and then I see her writing single. I was even more pissed than before. We continued through the pre op paperwork. Once all this was done and she closed the book, I pointed at the marital status question and said, I told you I was cohabeting. So she asked, well what do you want me to right. I looked at my partner, then looked back at the HCA and said, im in a relationship. The HCA was not happy. I really dont think she likes same sex relationships one bit, and she treated me like a disgusting piece if meat. I was having none of it. Going back to the pre op form, there were other questions like, you can do house hold chores, manage stairs and walk 150 meters ok. She ticked yes for all. Thankfully I saw this again and had to correct her with the fact that actually I can do none of what she said I could. She also said I didnt have aneamia (ill just point out here, she assumed this and I saw the answer again-thankfully) because again I had to correct her that I am aneamic and infact on medication for this. When the theatre staff came to collect me, they asked if they could have some tape to cover up the piercings I couldnt take out. The good old *cough* HCA then decided to chirp up and say "she refused to take out her piercings" thankfully I had a good theatre team, as they arhued with her three times saying, shes not refusing she just cant, and all we are asking for is some tape and all is perfect. It was such hard work. As I was about to leave, my partner gave me a kiss and we said our goodbies...this ticked of the HCA to the limit, she was not impressed that we kissed. Fricking hell I wish I got her name as I would have reported her for being such a bitch about me being gay. After all of the above, we finally managed to get to theatre where I had a good old funny banter with my surgeon and the rest of the theatre staff, which amazingly helped me relax. The procedure hurt like a git, I felt everything and the pain of the fluid going into my hip socket was beyong horrid. Admittedly though, watching my x rays fly up to the screen as the procedure was taking place really was cool, but all in all, id rather not have the procedure done again thanks. I "jumped" onto my wheelchair and we went off to town to meet with my sister to get my birthday present, have a general catch ip, and have a sneaky peek of her ever growing bump. She is huge for 15 weeks. Its mentall. We also managed to get some baby bargains in primark and we also nipped into CEX and got two dvds for my chill out day tomorrow. We managed to get back...just!! I was in agony by the time we got home. Pain reif had worn off and I couldnt take any more as I naughtily had to drive home. I think the driving pushed me over the edge though. Ive bern in bed since I got home, and can barely move, and thats with being dosed up on morphine. Thankfully though, our little puppy (although has aparently been a little shit all day) put a smile straight on my face and gave me beautiful snuggles all evening...and even managed to throw in a few sneaky peak flow tests lol. Ive added a few pictures, im sure you can work out which is which. For now though, im off to get some shut eye in the hope ill blovk out the pain. TTFN XXXX

Photography!!

Its that time again to bug you all. Im trying to get my photography known to many people, but its a slow progress at the moment. Some photos ive not put on my facebook page as they are of babies, and although the photos are stunning, I dont trust the world enough to not have them nicked or used inappropriately. But I still have a huge amount of other stunning photos on my page. All of which can be made into cards and postcards at a small price. This is all in place to help me build up my equipment and get my little business set up official. First I need your support. My facebook page is: https://www.facebook.com/CharlieWarliePhotography?ref=hl Please take a look, like my page and share it amongst your friend. TTFN XXXX

My Thoughts For The Day!!

Ive been sat here all day as my lungs have been really rubbish abd my new GP seems to be the worlds biggest waste of space and basically told me if I get worse go to the hospital, dont think he realises I would like to be home this christmas...

So with being sat here, my mind has been giving me every worrying thought possible again (yes of course this has been increase by my yet another increase of steroids). My thoughts at the moment are going back to the lump I had in my mouth and my recent biopsy. I get my results on the 6th January so yes I dont havt long to wait, but its still long enough to have everything do through your head.

I keep thinking the worse. Do I have cancer!? What treatment will I need!? Was it just a random growth that wont need any treatment at all!? These are just the three main things im thinking of.

I just wish the 6th January could come around quicker. Would do me the world of good!!

TTFN

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