Challenging times

I hate the fact that i an still struggling with my emotions and how to come with change. Unfortunatley i guess thats just one of those things when you have an emotionally disregulated personality disorder. This is my latest diagnosis. This is my lastest challenge in life. Sadly not only have i still been finding it difficult with my latest knock down with my physical health. Hating the fact that my latest end of life didnt work and wishing euthenasia was legal in this country. Finding out that our latest puppy who we rescued has an abnormal heart, an allergy hypersensitivity and asthma of all things and to top it off, finding out that a certain someone has be slagging me off behind my back and also been telling people i am a selfish, vile and attention seeking person, its safe to say its been a bloody tough 2 weeks. Last night when all went wrong again, i had to call home treatment team and get their help as i was in yet another crisis. They were planned for coming out today for a joint visit with my care co/cpn to try and find away to continue to help me through this tough period of my life in the community. I have an opportunity to ring the home treatment team on sunday because i am due to be staying at my mums for the weekend. On Tuesday i have the duty CPN worker ringing me to check in one me as my care co is on holiday for the week. I then have my psychologist on wednesday and then my social worker on friday. I think its safe to say everyone is doing their best in trying to help me and wanting ms to see the light at the end of the tunnel and i literally cant thank them enough as sadly with the way my personality disorder works, i cant process all this deterioration in my physical health which is why for me its easier to ignor it or try and end it. I know its having an impact on my family and thats the worst thing of all as i hate having to ve dependant on people so knowing that i am gaving such an impact on their lives and their health it absolutly breaks me up. It just adds to my torment in my head and adds to the suicidal thoughts. I have tried my best with getting distracted today after i broke down with my cpn and home treatment team again. I swear im going to start bwcoming ocd with cleanig though as ive cleaned the bathroom 3 times today which mega sucks. One bonus from today though is that i have been refered to a specific mental health respite centre to where i will be admitted for up to 2 weeks to try and help me through this crisis period. This will be as close to a hospital admission as possible but without the secureness and 24 hour 1:1 line of sight watching. There will be help there for 24 hours a day but not to the same safety degree. Fingers crossed i can get there soon. Well thats enough for me today as its making me feel shit just typing this. TTFN XXXX

Fear

Unfortunatly things still havnt improved the way nyself and my CPN would have liked. I have had HTT (Home Treatment Team) visiting me at home every other day to also try and get me extra support through this difficult period of my life again. I just cant seem to get my head around everything that is going on, i cant seen to accept the deterioration nor the fact i am never going to be the same again. My bigget fear is being readmitted to a secure mental health unit but equally i knot that there becomes a stage where i have no say in whether i stay at home or get admitted. Everyday that HTT came to visit they kept hinting towards an admission and as of late so has my CPN. They have both bow decided to do a joint visit this Thursday as they have been discussing me and now what to tell me their plans. I cant help the way i feel. I cant help being depressed. I cant help feeling dissconnecred from my body. This isnt the way i wanted my life to be, its how my life choose to be and unfortunatly its not something that i myself is going to change on my own. The last two weeks have literally mimiced to how i was in January and February time and that ultimately led me to the admission in the first place so i guess you can understand why im worried. I could lie, say everything is better. I have no suicidal ideation at all anymore but then i would be left with no support. No one would trust me with what i said in the future and then equally i could be making things worse for myself. Mental health is more confusing than my physical health. We shall see by Friday hey!! TTFN XXXX

slowly Returning

So, after many many many months of not blogging, i am back. Not really sure what my latest blog was or what you all know but in short, in January this year i had a severe asthma attack that woke me up early in the morning. Got blue lighted to resus where i aparently had the ITU consultant bagging me untill they could get the COAL machine down from the unit. After spending a few days there, i went to the respiratory ward to need the crash team coming to my bed side as i rapidly deteriorated again. A few days after this my body decided enough was enough it needed to rest and recover so went unconcious for just under 24 hours. Horribly i woke up with breathing tubes down my throat and bang my severe complex ptsd is nade 10000000 times worse. On the 11th february (my birthday) i got moved to a secure mental health unit when i was put on observations for 2 months because my self harming had increased and i wanted to commit suicide. My lungs were and still are deteriorating rapidly. My lung function is now only 35%. My proximal myopathy has left me wheelchair bound and unable to stand. As i said previously my ptsd has gone wild and i am now being tested to see if i have a neuromuscular disease like MS. After 7 months in hospital i came home on the 4th july. I am having community support teams visitng once sometimes twice a weeks to give me help and i also have my wife looking after me full time. I am doing ok, trying to find things to do thats adapted to a life in a wheelchair and im trying to make new friends. I will try my best to keep blogging, but for now, please keep me in your prayers that things will get better. TTFN XXXX

Frustraistion, Upset and confusion

Unfortunalty 5 weeks on and I am still in hospital. To some yes this way seem that its not that long a time compared to some but for me its my longest ever stay and i hate it.

On Sunday i had another asthma attack that came on out of the blue, scared the shit out of me and ended up getting me sectioned for a short space of time.

I didnt want treatment. I want to b left to die but because i got transfered from the mental health hospital to the general hospitsl they kind of used it against me and sectioned me and forced the treatment on me which mega cheesed me off.

A physoclogist has seen me on the qard and my PTSD scoring has gone from 54 to 86 which aparentlt is through the roof and they are not happy with things being left any longer as its going to make me even more suicidal and my self harming is just going to continue increasing.
When i first got admitted here i told them i would do anything to kill myself. Ive tried 4 times but annoyingly have been found each time. One time by the skin of my teeth though as i was in a pretty bad shape aparently.

I just want all this to be over. I want my legs to start working again. I want my lungs to start working and and i want my head to realise it cant control me any more.

All that being said though, i doubt itll be achieved...

TTFN

XXXX

My Life In A Nutshell

MONDAY 2ND JULY 2012.

Dont worry, im not expecting you to know why this date is of any significant value to anyone as it doesnt have one. This date though is the last time i blogged about my medication. The treatment that keeps me going. In 2012 i was with consultants that really wanted to start from scratch. Reduce nearly all my meds and find out the best ones from me. That didnt happen. Instead, they started adding more in.

Today things are worse than before.

During a 24 hour period i take on average 64 tablets a day, 16 nebulisers minimum. A salbutamol inhaler. A nasal spray. A tablet inhaler twice a day. A TENS machine, morphine patch. Supplements and im also now on sub cut IgG infusions of 60mls a week.

I wish my life was counting other things instead of drugs, oxygen reading, pulse reading and peak flow reading.

I guess being in the UK i am extremely lucky, my medications get funded by the NHS and the government. I really feel for those in other countries that have to pay for their treatments and its in the thousands. If their insurance wont cover it, how does the government expect them to get the vital medication they need!?

I know one things for sure, if i didnt have this list of medications, i would be dead. If any asthmatic didnt have one single inhaler, they would be dead.

Asthma needs to be more recognised. I have been doing this blog now for near on 2 years and in those 2 years. Ive literallt have my blog viewed thousands of time. I just pray that just 10 of those thousands of people have gained a little more knowledge into the life of an asthmatic. That they can see its not just a few puffs of a blue inhaler. Its time consuming, mind and bodily draining, its demanding and most of all its life threatening.

Asthma needs a cure, can you help find it!?

_____

On a different note, depression, this also is very life threatening and not enough people know about it. This week, Tuesday infact is my wifes 21st birthday and suffers from severe depression. With our housing situation this has meant that things have been getting worse again. I didnt know what to do, how to help her so,i gave her an early birthday present that she can focus on, and give a purpose of living for. I got her a guinea pig. We still dont have a name for her but she is 9 weeks old and such a character. Today is her first day with us and in ta time, she has climbed the curtain 3 times and climbed up the inside of my trouser leg twice. Shes blinking fast thats for sure

Well, i better be off, i have those drugs to go take so i can make it through the night as i am currently suffering yet another chest infection.

TTFN
XXXX

Here is a visual look into my medications and below is our latest family member, the nameless guinespig class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">

Bloody Council

Today was the day that i was getting arsy with the council if they hadnt started responding to me with answers about whats happening with us with regards to being rehomes.

By about 11am i had a phone, when they said it was the council i was think; great about bloody time...boy wasnt i mistaken. It was the council saying that they wont accept the paperwork that got sent to them last week by the homeless team. As always i questioned why and blinking heck it made me boil and they certainly knew about it. The reason the wont accept it is because we "just have asthma and just have depression" so it doesnt make us a priority and they more than likely wont get us a home by the 6th of October. By this point i was near on screaming down the phone asking if there was medical professionals on the panel, and guess what, there isnt. Finding out this then made me scream at her about how would they know what my BRITTLE asthma was like and what my SEVERE PTSD and my other halfs SEVERE DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY was like. I asked her if she was one of the panels members to which she said yes, so my next question was, have u ever heard of proximal myopathy and know what it does...and guess what, her answer was no. So i told her we should not all be tarred with the same brush, for one BRITTLE asthma is nowhere near anything like WORK RELATED asthma.

So all in all, myself and my girlfriend wont be getting a home by the 6th October and despite the fact im on higher rate DLA for both componants and the support section of ESA,  it means nothing because our illnessesare basic.

We then thought find, screw you council will go private...but wait...we cant. Because we dont work, wet need a guarantor and we dont have one.

All in alm we are fucked!!!!!!!!!!!

TTFN

XXXX

Wedding

For our special day we sent out the invites last month and asked for replies by 31st july which is today.

All of my family have replies which is lush but sadly only 3 people had replied from my other halfs so we sent out another messagse to people asking what they were doing.

My other halfs sister is still being mega pathetic and has said shes not coming and one of her brothers have said he has issues with how we are doing our special day so hes not coming either.
So out of the 3 siblings my other half has got, none are coming.

I feel gutted for her. Its totally unfair. All her mothers answer to it was, well its not really a wedding is it do you cant expect people to travel all that way for just a meal. Well lets just say i had had enough of their nastiness and i finally snapped explaining that it is a real wedding. We are legaally becoming mrs and mrs. We are devoting our lives to each other. Were just not inviting everyone to that particular part of the day and we dont want a party. Anyone that knows us both will know straight away a party is not us one bit so were not wasting money.

I just wish people, in particular would grow up and respect that this is how we want to get married.

In the end i had had such a shit time of their potty mouth that i walked out and took dixie for a stroll. Supidly though i went out for an hour and 20 minutes and then ate a family pack of chocolate.

To put it plainly i fucking hate them for what they are doing to us and how they are treating us.

TTFN

XXXX

Depression

Yes i know i keep banging on about it, but for me this is my current life. Its not getting an better right now.

My other half is still getting stupid stupid amounts of hell from her parents. To the point of today her mum left the cooking stuff and our bowls on the side for us to wash as she was refusing to do. My other half left 2 bowls as they werent hers and her mum kicks off. We rsponded by saying she shouldnt have been so pathetic in the first place.

I mean come on really!? Somethings in life really arnt worth arguing about but shes making a huge point to make everything an argument.

I really really hope we can move out of this shit enviornment soon as its making me extremly depressed and ive also put on 5lb in 2 weeks because my diet has been crap through my depression.

On a happy note...Dixie is jumping around the bedroom eating moths...

TTFN

XXXX

Hiding Away

Ok apologies for not having been here for a while.

On Thursday after my mobily scooter assessment (which was a-maze-ing) i was really poorly. I had yet another migraine plus my belly become extremly swollen and i was in agony. So i curled up in a ball and shut the world out.

Back to my scooter assessment though, weve found the perfect scooter and my other half has been taught how to take it apart and reassemble it. Sadly though its going to cost £1249 so unless i cant get the grants from charities im not going to be having it. It felt so amazing on it. i had freedom. I was my independant self again.

Friday was pretty pants. We were running around, going to doctors, posting parcels and my other half went to the gym. I was shattered and suprise suprise, by the end of the morning i had yet another migraine.

Uve decided that im going to the doctors on monday about my migraines as ive been on my increase tablets for a month now with no such luck so something needs to be done.

All weekend ive basically just chilled. We had a BBQ on friday which was nice thougj even at 6pm the heat was to much so i had to go back to bed and sit infront of the fan.

Today we are off to a place called Sibly back lake with Dixie and we are meeting up with 2 friends and their son. At tue moment it looks nice an overcast so im hoping that i wont get a migraine with sitting in my chair not getting away from the sun.

the stress of my other halfs parents have increased yet again and they were in the middle of slagging me off when they realied i could hear everyword as i was stood outside of the window. I felt gutted. Aparently its all my fault that their daughter is now selfish and never spends anytime with them. Im sorry but monday she volunteers at bernardos. Tuesday she goea to the gym. Wednesday she does to yoga. Thursday she goes to the gym and friday we go swimming. Not forgetting caring for me, baking cakes for her business and also taking Dixie for walks. I feel deflated. I dont know what ive done.

TTFN

XXXX

Death

Ironically the though of death scares me, yet given the chance i would end my life tonight.

Yes ok some people have it worse off than me, but this is my life. This isnt how i use to live and this isnt how i want to live.

Yes people who have been told they only have a few weeks to live literally want to do everything they can and see everyone to say goodbye
I guess the lucky (if u can call it lucky) thing here is that theyve been given that warning. That chance to say goodbye.
With my illness, i could literally die at any point. Without any warning and without any friends or family

I sucks.

It feels like im in prison and on deaths row. Just casually sat here waiting for it to be my time.

Why is more not being done about asthma.

Why is there no media on it. No regular press releases. No regular adverts raising awareness. We deserve that is nothing else right!?

Im not going to go into details to justify why i would end my life in a second because there are to many reasons. All you need to know is that, asthma sucks. The side effects from all these life saving lung medications suck.

Dont take your life for granted. You never know when it may abruptly come to an end.

TTFN

XXXX

Death

Ironically the though of death scares me, yet given the chance i would end my life tonight.

Yes ok some people have it worse off than me, but this is my life. This isnt how i use to live and this isnt how i want to live.

Yes people who have been told they only have a few weeks to live literally want to do everything they can and see everyone to say goodbye
I guess the lucky (if u can call it lucky) thing here is that theyve been given that warning. That chance to say goodbye.
With my illness, i could literally die at any point. Without any warning and without any friends or family

I sucks.

It feels like im in prison and on deaths row. Just casually sat here waiting for it to be my time.

Why is more not being done about asthma.

Why is there no media on it. No regular press releases. No regular adverts raising awareness. We deserve that is nothing else right!?

Im not going to go into details to justify why i would end my life in a second because there are to many reasons. All you need to know is that, asthma sucks. The side effects from all these life saving lung medications suck.

Dont take your life for granted. You never know when it may abruptly come to an end.

TTFN

XXXX

...

This post in my mind shouldnt have a title...theres nothing in this post that deserves a great name, thought or mention as its all crap.

Following our trip to Alton towers, my migraine stayed untill Tuesday and was making me feel so poorly. I spoke to the doctors and theyve now increased my Amytriptoline tablets to 50mg to see if its going to make any difference, so far not though as as of yesterday, i have another one arriving.

I also had to speak to the doctor because i have yet another chest infection. By sunday night my oxygen levels were 93%, my temperature was 38, coughing up lots again and have really bad pain in the back of my lungs. Ive sent a sputum sample again but for now my steroids are back up and im on doxy for the next 2 weeks. This is all in the hope that weve caught it early, attacked it hard and can avoid an admission.

Weve also had the community carers team out for my other half to see what extra help she can get. Whilst they were here weve expressed out conserns for living here with the way her parents remain to treat us. She has put in a urgent message to the council as its putting us both in danager...this being because my other halfs mental state is deteriorating again because of the mental games that her parents are playing with her and as a result on 3 different occasions now shes made errors with my medications.

We also found out that suprise suprise, weve been lost in the system for my community physio, occupational therapy and also hydrotherapy so ive had the critcal care team from Trelisk hospital ring me to state that theyve been made aware and will chace and call me back by Tuesday.

Ive also had to put in for a re referal for the wheelchair services. Sadly i can no longer push myself in my wheelchair because my muscles have deteriorated again. So now they are going to see wether any electrical modifications can be made to my current chair and if not what else they can do for me.

I guess one good thing about this week is that ive completed another 90 knitted hats for the NICU units and they are all boxed ready and waiting to be posted.

TTFN

XXXX

Waiting For A Change

Sadly im still pretty much in the same mental state, no better but also no worse. Though i do wish that it would get better as its really playing on my mind.

On Thursday it was my best friends birthday and both myself and my oher half with my best friend went to alton towers. I drove us up there as im not a huge fan of coaches.

I was in my wheelchair all day as I just couldnt cope out of it. Because we got disability passes we were also allowed "special" passes which meant that we got to que jump and go straight to the front of every ride. With having this is meant we got on ever ride which was amazing.

By about 5pm i decided to stand up and stretch my legs for 5 minutes ready for the 6 hour drive home. Sadly though because another migraine had started hitting me, as i stood up i ended up collapsing straight down to the floor. Was out for the count on the floor of alton towers for an hour. When i woke up i felt really week, breathless, was shivering and generally felt like crap. I started driving us home but within an hour i had to stop at the services as i just couldnt cope anymore. After a good rest we set off again.

Thankfully my dad lives 10 minutes from my best friends house in bristol so i rang hime up telling him we were crashing at his house for the night. I literally felt like crap.

On friday, we set off home again stopping near on every hour and when we got home i literally went straight upstairs and slept for hours.

Something really took it out of me. My temperature has been sky high since and i am feeling chesty so ill be sending another sputum sample on monday in the hope itll give answers.

My other half has been making her owl cake that someone has ordered and it looks blinking amazing, ill have to show u all a picture once its complete.

TTFN

XXXX

Wants Life To End

Literally, after today i really cant take any more.

All weekend ive been  spiralling further and further down because of things that are going on and im getting toy far into my depression im now struggling to pull myself out.

Being at mums was good in the fact that it was just me and my beautiful girlfriend but in theory it was just putting off the inevitable.

As soon as we got home, the shit literally hit the fan.

Argument kicked off, we were called ever name under the sun and we were made to feel like utter crap

And guess what the cause of it was...yup you got it, the happiest day of our lives, our  wedding.

My family have suprisingly been very supportive and happy for us. My partners on the other hand have really really kicked off, to the point theyve now told me im no longer doing their wedding photography and my  partner is no longer their bridesmaid. All this is because they arnt coming to the "ceremony" section of our wedding.

We are both so upset.

Its our day, we dont get why we are being treates like this.

Ive now contacted the welfare team for the councel explaining the urgency to get our own house as i fear that if im kept in this situation i will try to end my life again. They are just seeing what they can do to help and then will get back to us.

In good news though, ive now completed hat number 150 so another box is complete and ready to send.

TTFN

XXXX

Loosing The Will!!

These last 24 to 48 hours mentally for me have been a huge struggle.

Im still struggling to see the future. Im struggling to see what the point is. My health is just going to get worse, i dont want to end up like a vegetable and having everything done for me. Thats no life. Especially when ive had such a full on, busy, outgoing and active lifestyle up untill now.

Some people may say but think about what youve got and what youve achieve so far or even, there are worse people out there...yes thats great but for me, this drastic life change has hit me hard.

How would you feel if youve been told, roughly 10 years time you could be severly disabled or that you cant carry your own children or that if your partner was to have children you will never be able to run around with them at the park etc etc...i have been told all this and the reality behind it sucks.

5 years ago, i was working at bristol childrens hospital as a health care assistant and i bloody loved my job. I also had an acceptance to Surrey University to start my paramedic training and I also got accepted by London Ambulance service as a student paramedic. These last two where to be started after i decided to take a gap year and see what the hospital enviornment was like...it was then a few months later my lungs took a huge turn for the worst ... and then i lost everything. My career, my flat, my life.

I see people running in the street keeping fit and i think to myself, 5 years ago that was me. I would go running every night and then 3 times a week i would do a 6 mile walk followed 40 lengths in the swimmingpool. I can barly walk 30 yeards and only do 20 lengths if that in the pool.

Its gutting.

I hate it.

Why does life have to be so cruel.

Sometimes its difficult hearing other peoples issues to. When you have so much going on in your own life and your own head it makes you feel that little bit worse. Not only because i cant help them but because i know how they feel. I know what its like to have such a drastic life change.

Someone a few months ago passed a comment on facebook to me that i thought was extrermly harsh considering what i use to do and what i try and do now. They posted a photo of a stunning hotel they were staying in and i simply said, you may have to share some of your money so that we can have such lovely holidays...there response was - not being funny but we work hard, earn our money and deserve a break. This tore my heart to shreads as like i said before, i was in a job etc and persuing a massive future. Even now, im still doing photography so its not like im sitting on my arse.

Its things like this that are sticking in my head. Tearing me down and adding to my already complicated PTSD.

My other half still doesnt know the full story of whats going on in my head. It scares me. I cant scare her too. Thats 100% unfair.

Who knows, tomorrow may be different. Ive tried keeping busy today and knitted 5 more NICU hats and the sleeves for the baby cardigan im making. I also had a follow up appointment with the maxifacial specialist after i had a tumor removed from my lip just before christmas...and even this news wasnt perfect as he told me it will grow back and could turn into cancer at any point. Fab hey!!

TTFN

XXXX

Not My Day At All!!

I woke up at 3am, initially with massive pains in my joints. I thought nothing of it, went for a wee and then went back to bed. When I woke at 0730 I have never felt so poorly in all my life. My temperature was 39.2, I had a splitting migrane, was sweating out and had those horrendous joint pains still. Along with this, I just felt detatched from my body, my co ordination was shot, and I just didnt feel right at all. Im annoying stuck in bed as its to dangerous for me on the stairs, ive had to strip right doen, open my window and eat paracetamol just to try and sort out my temperature, which currently is remaining high. I havnt a clue whats causing it, I dont feel drastically bad with my lungs, but I cant think where else the infection could be...if its that, thats causing it. My other half has yet again been a gem, shes cancelled her volunteering for the day to look after me. Although this makes me feel bad, in a way im glad shes here, and thankfully shes rearranged things for thursday. Im a little bit ticked off though, as about an hour ago I decided I actually wanted to eat something do the other half went and made me some toast. When she got downstairs, yet again her mum started having ago at her because she hadnt done the dishes whilst they were out shopping. My girlfriend tried telling her mum that shes been looking after me and making sure im ok. According to her mum though, she doesnt have to stay upstairs with me just because im poorly, and also that she needs to start pulling her weight more. I feel so sorry for her, she wanted to stay with me coz one I feel like shit and can hardly move, and two, why should I be left up here on my own just because my body doesnt want to work. Its completly unfair, and this shit for not pulling her weight, my other half cooks all three meals a day for both of us, she does the washing, she washes the dishes, she does shopping. Sge tidies up and she helps out with all our pets, I dont see what more she can do, especially as shes a full time carer for me also. Its a lot for her to take on. Her mum seems to be having ago at everyone, but she doesnt see it, and she thinks that shes doing nothing wrong, yet most days and evenings now shes left in the living room on her own as the rest of us cant stand being in her company, I mean, doesnt that show you in itself that theres clearly something not right with the attitude and atmospher!? Clearly not!! Well, im feeling crap again and starting to nod off, I hope this nastiness starts to fade pretty darn soon!! TTFN XXXX

Wish Things Would Change!!

A year and a half ago, or there abouts, I had decided enough was enough with my asthma and treatment that I got refered to a specialist in Birmingham who for everyone else had done wonders for. I built my hopes up and kept thinking of how perfect my life is going to be once he sorts my lungs out. Yes granted he diagnosed me with brittle asthma, proved I didnt have VCD and also found I had severe reflux to the point if needing surgeryc to which he then arranged. This is all fantastic. For last Wednesdays appointment, we had been having email discussions for potentially future treatment, so I couldnt wait... I had four appointments booked for that whole day, the first being with the psycologist. She was absolutly lovely, diagnosed me with having PTSD and said that I need to be seen weekly for having specific treatment, so geres bomb shell number one: because I live in Cornwall she didnt think it was appropriate that I drove to Birmingham weekly to have this treatment so shes writing to my local team to see if they will help, and I have to pray like mad that I get on as well with the next team. Following this I was meant to have a reversability test, this never happened as the technician was flapping about the time and that she was running late. Er yeah, not my fauly lovey!! After this I was then to see my consultant, admittedly I was excited at the prospect of having new treatment and the possibility my life could change...I couldnt have been more wrong, and here's where my second bomb shell of the week hit. I have been told that my lungs are to damaged and that I am too poorly and uncontrolled for them to do any more for me. Because of what I just mentioned, I am not allowed onto any clinical trial because it would put my life at risk and potentially kill me so I have to stay on all my current medication and pray that in the very near future, a wonder drug gets invented and becomes perfect for me. Untill then, my consultant has said that I will now slowly deteriorate both lungs and muscles wise. Im devestated!! My last appointment was physio, and y this point I just wanted to leave, I couldnt be bothered now, I want my bed, I wanted to cry, and most of all I wanted to be left alone. Following all this, we also had planned that two days later myself and my partner were going to a clinic. In Cardiff to start a family...and heres where the final bombshell hit us. They would not help us gain this dream because im on long term steroids and they would also worry about the pressure on my lungs carrying a child, and they wont let my partner carry a child because her BMI is slightly to high. It sucks, if we werent a same sex couple we could naturally have our own child, no matter what tablets I was in nor what any of our weight was like. I find it unfair that anyone can deny you of a child for these reasons. We have come back home now and we are back with our very scatty Dixie, but my head is still very much depressed and my flash backs have rocketted. I hope things sort out soon. Its just bollocks that for the 10th year in a row, my birthday has yet again been ruined!! TTFN XXXX

The Return

Finally 10 days later and I have come home from hospital.

Before I left, I had my tummy holes re steri stripped back up as there are still massive holes compared to wat they should be.

I also got told that they think the operation may not have worked. The reason theu think this is because I still cant keep food and drinking down properly. I am a little dissapointed with this but I guess what can I do!?

Before I left I also told the asthma team that I really not coping mentally, with the reason tragedy of Dawn who was such a fantastic friend to me along with all my itu admissions, poor hospital treatment and all the new diagosis its just all getting on top of me and I just want to end everything. So if figured maybe its about time I got things sorted.

Today I had my gp ring me with the results of my xray that I had before my operation and suprise suprise I have yet another bomb shell. I have a deteriorated femoral head which basically in simple terms, I have avascular necrosis. Which has added to my depression and hit me hard

I havnt told mum how Im feeling as we dont seem to be as close anymore. She seems so much more interested in her new boyfriend than me so I guess its another thing im going to have to keep on my shoulders!!

Well thats enough sadness for one hour.

TTFN

XXXX

Driving Me Mental

I really don't know what to do with myself, whether to move out, whether to live with mum, whether I should mention to mum that I'm fed up with her lies and much much more. Basically as you know mum and my old step dad had split up and we moved out in February. Within a few weeks mum had started getting in contact with one of her old friends Paul. Yes that is great, mum is getting out again. Until I find out that mum is starting to flirt with Paul and vice versa. Paul may I add is engaged!! I don't mind the fact that mum is flirting with someone if it makes her happy. What I don't like though is that she may be breaking up a what was perfectly happy relationship which I know she hated when someone done that to her and my dad. I also hate the fact that my mum has given me two dates, this Saturday and a Monday that I have to be out of the house and I need to find somewhere to go. I hate the fact that I am being kicked out of my own home, its totally unfair and I'm not well enough to be just floating about the streets!! The last thing I hate (for now) is that my mum has lied to both me and my nan saying that she's having this "friend" (Paul) coming round as they have some business they need to discuss when I know for a fact that it isn't for this and its actually so that they can get up to know good. How do I know this you ask!? Because mum let her emails open and I next went on the laptop and also because my mum has left some disgusting photos on the computer that she failed to delete properly. So I wouldn't mind if mum wants people to come around but I would actually like to be told the truth. I think she forgets that I am an adult now and don't like being lied to! I am however going down to see the other half on the weekend as I don't want to be anywhere near the house to be treated like crap like I am. The best thing is the other half doesn't know that I am coming so it will be a huge suprise for her and she will love it (I hope) So my life right now is a little topsy turvy and I really haven't a clue of what to do for the best as I cant live like this. I move out the first time this started happening when I was 17 as I couldn't cope, sadly the difference between me then and me now is that now I am super poorly and have to admit I am scared to be living on my own!! So thats my little life for now, sorry its a little depressing!! TTFN XXXX