Challenging times

I hate the fact that i an still struggling with my emotions and how to come with change. Unfortunatley i guess thats just one of those things when you have an emotionally disregulated personality disorder. This is my latest diagnosis. This is my lastest challenge in life. Sadly not only have i still been finding it difficult with my latest knock down with my physical health. Hating the fact that my latest end of life didnt work and wishing euthenasia was legal in this country. Finding out that our latest puppy who we rescued has an abnormal heart, an allergy hypersensitivity and asthma of all things and to top it off, finding out that a certain someone has be slagging me off behind my back and also been telling people i am a selfish, vile and attention seeking person, its safe to say its been a bloody tough 2 weeks. Last night when all went wrong again, i had to call home treatment team and get their help as i was in yet another crisis. They were planned for coming out today for a joint visit with my care co/cpn to try and find away to continue to help me through this tough period of my life in the community. I have an opportunity to ring the home treatment team on sunday because i am due to be staying at my mums for the weekend. On Tuesday i have the duty CPN worker ringing me to check in one me as my care co is on holiday for the week. I then have my psychologist on wednesday and then my social worker on friday. I think its safe to say everyone is doing their best in trying to help me and wanting ms to see the light at the end of the tunnel and i literally cant thank them enough as sadly with the way my personality disorder works, i cant process all this deterioration in my physical health which is why for me its easier to ignor it or try and end it. I know its having an impact on my family and thats the worst thing of all as i hate having to ve dependant on people so knowing that i am gaving such an impact on their lives and their health it absolutly breaks me up. It just adds to my torment in my head and adds to the suicidal thoughts. I have tried my best with getting distracted today after i broke down with my cpn and home treatment team again. I swear im going to start bwcoming ocd with cleanig though as ive cleaned the bathroom 3 times today which mega sucks. One bonus from today though is that i have been refered to a specific mental health respite centre to where i will be admitted for up to 2 weeks to try and help me through this crisis period. This will be as close to a hospital admission as possible but without the secureness and 24 hour 1:1 line of sight watching. There will be help there for 24 hours a day but not to the same safety degree. Fingers crossed i can get there soon. Well thats enough for me today as its making me feel shit just typing this. TTFN XXXX

Frustraistion, Upset and confusion

Unfortunalty 5 weeks on and I am still in hospital. To some yes this way seem that its not that long a time compared to some but for me its my longest ever stay and i hate it.

On Sunday i had another asthma attack that came on out of the blue, scared the shit out of me and ended up getting me sectioned for a short space of time.

I didnt want treatment. I want to b left to die but because i got transfered from the mental health hospital to the general hospitsl they kind of used it against me and sectioned me and forced the treatment on me which mega cheesed me off.

A physoclogist has seen me on the qard and my PTSD scoring has gone from 54 to 86 which aparentlt is through the roof and they are not happy with things being left any longer as its going to make me even more suicidal and my self harming is just going to continue increasing.
When i first got admitted here i told them i would do anything to kill myself. Ive tried 4 times but annoyingly have been found each time. One time by the skin of my teeth though as i was in a pretty bad shape aparently.

I just want all this to be over. I want my legs to start working again. I want my lungs to start working and and i want my head to realise it cant control me any more.

All that being said though, i doubt itll be achieved...

TTFN

XXXX

Stress Stress Stress

Round two of my eye movemwnt therapy for my PTSD was on Monday. Prior to arriving i was actually shitting myself, i really didnt want to go purly because last week after my last session was hell. I felt shit, wanted to commit suicide and just felt rubbish, so you can see why i didnt want this week to happen.

Well the session itself was a pretty bad one and i could actually only do half an hour as a result and the therapist knew it was bad with how things went.

After the session we went shopping and i went home and slept just as i was told to as i dint want any bad effect because of not doing what i was told. Unfortunatly though, it wasnt untill about 9pm that things started going really bad again. Thankfully i had an amazing friend at the end of the phone i could text as i didnt want to worry my wife. I felt so weird though. I didnt feel like my body was my own. I was shaky. Jittery and beyond scared. I ended up having to taken more morphine than usual to try and calm my system down. It knocked me to sleep as you can imagine and thankfully by the time i woke the next day things had been a little more easier to cope with.

I think once my surgery is over next week things may get a little easier for me.

On Tuesday my wife went to the doctors for a bloody test. Im not going to tempt fate but the result should be in today. Weve rung aleady but sadly they arnt back as of yet so we are going to have to ring tomorrow.

On wednesday I felt like we needed to do something for ourselves and to help others. Im going through a huge phase of wanting to help others so i signed myself and my wife up to foster poorly and abandoned dogs. Today we had a suprise phone call from a homechecker as we had passed the first stage and she wanted to come out and visit us today. Well that check has just been completed and we have passed. Yay!! Heres to helping more lost pooches.

Well ill probably not be blogging untill after my surgery now so hope you all have a gokd weekend.

TTFN

XXXX

Emotions Running High

Two different ends of the spectrum it turned out to be yesterday.

With all the recent news with us now having to move by the 6th October we were getting to the point we needed as much help as possible. Last friday we got assigned a housing officer who had then rang me on Monday to talk things through. We were supposed to receive a huge yellow form to fill out to be able to get us the support for a home. This hadnt arrived so my and my other half woke up super early yesterday and got to the council house by 9am. Doing this ensured there would be no other people waiting in front of us. We also met our housing officer who is amazing. Compared to many other people within the council she really does care and want to help. She helped us fill in all the paperwork, had been looking online to see f there was a private bungalow or flat we can have for now and they would pay the deposite (sadly there are none) and then she said she was off to speak to the homeless team and also increase our banding on the council list. Although this doesnt make me happy as we still have no home, its reasuring to know that we are being helped the best way possible.

Following all this, we then had to drive up to Taunton to pick up my sister, brother in law and baby nephew and then we had to drive over to my mum in Bridgwater.
Our nan was there which was great as weve not seen her in a little while as she lives in Manchester and of course this was the first time to which my nan met both my girlfriend and our baby nephew (her great grandson). The day was amazing. Was such a fantastic experience to be in a room with 4 generations. Was smiling the whole way home.

Of course though im worried about my mum. She has become very poorly with worry about both mine and my girlfriends health and home situation and of course no matter what i say, untill we have a place to go to, she will keep stressing about the sotuation.
On top of this, my mum had to go to the doctors today as she was a little concerened. It turbs out she has a 2cm lump having grown in her breast so shes now been refered for urgery examination, treatment, scanes and biopsies.

Nothing ever runs smoothly in life

TTFN

XXXX

New Adventure But Yet More Stress

What a friggin hell bound few days.

Spoke to our housing officer yesterday who has asked us to get a letter from our mother in law stating we will be homeless by October 6th. 8 hours after i had asked for this letter, it still didnt get wrote so as  you can tell i was pissed. My father in laws answer was well they arnt going there till wednesday so theres no rush. They finally done it at 10pm last night and asked if it was good enough so my partner said yes. Nothing more or less came from her mouth yet her mouth still insisted on saying "oh well dont sound to enthusiastic by it then". I mean come on, are you for real, this is an official bit of black and white paper saying that in less than 4 weeks me and my girlfriend have no home.

On top of all this, our housing officer has stated that they should have given us more notice, what theyve done by leaving it this late is complete unfair...but to be honest, both u and i knew that.

We may have to temporarily get rid of Dixie also which we are gutted about and thats basically because 95% of temporary accomidation doesnt allow animals.

On a semi good note, i had another hospital appointment today with regards to my lungs and immune system. Not sure if you remember, but 3 months ago i had bloods taken, then 6 weeks post that i had an injection and then another set of bloods to see if the injection work. As i had another 3 infections i knew in my heart it didnt work. Aparently my first set of bloods showed my immunoglobbins to be at 38 (these are the bits that fight off colds and infections). Once i had the injection my level should have atleast trippled to 114...mine went up by 4. Yes FOUR. My level was a grand total of 42. perfect. So for some unknown reason my immune system doesnt want to function and even the flu and pneumonia injections i get every year, my body seems to be resistant to which explains why ive still had flu and still had a stupid amount of infections within the last year alone. So now i guess your wondering whats happens about this. Well, u know these amazing people who give blood (my girlfriend and a very good pen friend L(u know who u r)) the blood they donte get divided into three parts, the red stuff to aneamic people, the clear stuff (plasma) to people with low platlet count and the straw coloured stuff to people like me. This is their immunoglobbins so essentially its their immune system. Myself and my other half have chosen to do the treatment at home for atleast once a week for the next year. We will be taught how to administer it through a needle in my tummy and two syringe drivers. I will be gettong 2 very large boxes of fluid donations (yuk) delivered to me to make me better.

But heres the sucky bit, because of our housing situation, we have to do the first 3 months at hospital. Purly because if we got put in a hostel, for one we cant have the drugs delivered there and two if andrug addict sees ive got needles we are open to being attacked. So yet another shit pain in therear we have to deal with.

Well for now. Life goes on and i have to be extremly greatful that not only go i have my wife to be being enthusiastic to help me administer my immunoglobbins but also i have to be extremely greatful for the amazing people that give blood. Without them my weird immune system would kill me!!

TTFN
XXXX

Still ... Blurgh

Soooooo Things are still crap here. The council have stated they wont help us any sooner untill we are actually homeless because there are a total of 28000 people that need homing and aparently we arnt a priority. Something isnt right here. Not only are we not being helped whilst we have being mentally abused but my health needs dont help us for anything. Not only this but because of my vunerability, according to the charty shelter, were meant to be priority but we arnt we just dont get it. On top of this, i woke up this morning dripping wet but freezing and and giess what my temperature was 38.1 and my peak flow is 280 post neb. Gp says ive got another infection so higher dose steroids and more antibiotics And lastly todah for shit news...the lump that started in my mouth under my tongue over the weekend is now about the size of a golf ball and the dental hospital who i was under last december for the lump on my lip for some reason wont give me an appointment Im so worried as ive had 2 tumors in my body now and it looks like this is a 3rd. Im worried that this lump could be the big c...know idea where i go from here if they wont get me an appointment in the dental hospital. On a good note though, i have the CT scan for my hips last night and will get the results on the 22nd I leave u with the yummy picture of my lump.yum.

TTFN XXXX

Wowzers

What a few days it has been.

As youve guess it, the stress we had a few weeks ago through my other halfs parents has started back up again.

As of yesterday the was now moaning that we took OUR coffee upstairs. Yup you got it, it wasnt even their yet theyve gotten arsey over it, so kicked off.

Today we pop out to get Dixies flea abd worm treatment, we litterally step one foot through the door and we are bombarded with the fact that they have found a bungalow on cornwall housing, they went and viewed it today and have applied for it, so we could be moving in 2 weeks time.
Yay great, they get a lovely home to live in,we on the other hand become homless.

What the fuck are we going to do.

Why are they doing this to us, all along theyve said we will move first and them after to ensure no one is without a home. Then they go and do this to us.

So i distract myself from all of this and start preparing our dinner. I can only do the non dangerous prep as i cant risk doing any more. Ive hurt myself far to many times...but wait, even doing our dinner was wrong. They wanted to use the appliances we were using...yet theyve been sat on their arse doing nothing and the minute we start cooking we are now in their way. But, this isnt all, we are then being dictated to for how this meal should be cooked. Bareing in mind,theyve never cooked it and me hve the recipe book in front of us to which we are following.

I literally cant wait to get the hell out of here.

On a good note though, me.and my.other half are off to bristol for the next 3 days as we are seeing shrek in theatre. We are also flying by my sisters to have squigy cuddles with our nephew. Cute!!

TTFN

XXXX

...

This post in my mind shouldnt have a title...theres nothing in this post that deserves a great name, thought or mention as its all crap.

Following our trip to Alton towers, my migraine stayed untill Tuesday and was making me feel so poorly. I spoke to the doctors and theyve now increased my Amytriptoline tablets to 50mg to see if its going to make any difference, so far not though as as of yesterday, i have another one arriving.

I also had to speak to the doctor because i have yet another chest infection. By sunday night my oxygen levels were 93%, my temperature was 38, coughing up lots again and have really bad pain in the back of my lungs. Ive sent a sputum sample again but for now my steroids are back up and im on doxy for the next 2 weeks. This is all in the hope that weve caught it early, attacked it hard and can avoid an admission.

Weve also had the community carers team out for my other half to see what extra help she can get. Whilst they were here weve expressed out conserns for living here with the way her parents remain to treat us. She has put in a urgent message to the council as its putting us both in danager...this being because my other halfs mental state is deteriorating again because of the mental games that her parents are playing with her and as a result on 3 different occasions now shes made errors with my medications.

We also found out that suprise suprise, weve been lost in the system for my community physio, occupational therapy and also hydrotherapy so ive had the critcal care team from Trelisk hospital ring me to state that theyve been made aware and will chace and call me back by Tuesday.

Ive also had to put in for a re referal for the wheelchair services. Sadly i can no longer push myself in my wheelchair because my muscles have deteriorated again. So now they are going to see wether any electrical modifications can be made to my current chair and if not what else they can do for me.

I guess one good thing about this week is that ive completed another 90 knitted hats for the NICU units and they are all boxed ready and waiting to be posted.

TTFN

XXXX

Frown Isnt Upside Down!!

Ok so im still strunning to see light at the end of the tunnel.

Everytime i think something fantastic is happening, I get knocked back down!!

I had the doc ring me up on Thursday because it seems we are having the same battle as last time for keeping my aminophylline levels up so i am now on 600mg a day to see if that does the trick.

Today my other halfs sister arrived back in the UK after a week abroad on holiday...next thing we know weve got a text stating they have our invitation and she then starts getting nasty that weve not invited them to the ceremony. 10 minutes later i get a facebook message from her girlfriend saying shes not coming to the meal weve invited to because she cant see the justification in taking time off work to come down for a meal they have to pay for, so i reminded her that there doesnt need to be a justification, we just wanted our family to celebrate our day with us...i guess for some thats a hard concept to grasp!? I wonder if i could tell them that i dont see the justification in doing their wedding photography for their wedding next june!? I wont because im not nasty. I want to be there for their big day even though it means travelling 300miles and 4 hours to get there, then paying out for a hotel and then travelling back...never mind the fact that i am disabled and struggle to drive 20 minutes!!

Anyway, rant over for now.

In other news, im a little concerned about my muscles. To those that dont know, ive been diagnosed with proximal myopathy which basically is a muscle wasting illness from being on long term steroids for my asthma. Its now getting to the point that im struggling to hold my head up, my neck musclsa are really starting to struggle and im having to wrap my V pillow over my shoulders and under my head to support myself. This is the last thing i want. This is another kick in the teeth for being disabled. I know my consultants had warned me but they said years to come like 10 years...not 10 months down the line.

Im currently at mums now though. We needed to get out the house. The stress is getting to much and its making me even more depressed. It also helps mum and my sister out as she was meant to be dog sitting for our mum whilst shes at a friends wedding but with her being 31 weeks pregnant, having a hyper dog running round your feet isnt wise, so weve braught Dixie with us and were looking after the 2 dogs.

Well, im off to sleep now as yesterday anoth migraine set in and its hanging around again.

TTFN

XXXX

Loosing The Will!!

These last 24 to 48 hours mentally for me have been a huge struggle.

Im still struggling to see the future. Im struggling to see what the point is. My health is just going to get worse, i dont want to end up like a vegetable and having everything done for me. Thats no life. Especially when ive had such a full on, busy, outgoing and active lifestyle up untill now.

Some people may say but think about what youve got and what youve achieve so far or even, there are worse people out there...yes thats great but for me, this drastic life change has hit me hard.

How would you feel if youve been told, roughly 10 years time you could be severly disabled or that you cant carry your own children or that if your partner was to have children you will never be able to run around with them at the park etc etc...i have been told all this and the reality behind it sucks.

5 years ago, i was working at bristol childrens hospital as a health care assistant and i bloody loved my job. I also had an acceptance to Surrey University to start my paramedic training and I also got accepted by London Ambulance service as a student paramedic. These last two where to be started after i decided to take a gap year and see what the hospital enviornment was like...it was then a few months later my lungs took a huge turn for the worst ... and then i lost everything. My career, my flat, my life.

I see people running in the street keeping fit and i think to myself, 5 years ago that was me. I would go running every night and then 3 times a week i would do a 6 mile walk followed 40 lengths in the swimmingpool. I can barly walk 30 yeards and only do 20 lengths if that in the pool.

Its gutting.

I hate it.

Why does life have to be so cruel.

Sometimes its difficult hearing other peoples issues to. When you have so much going on in your own life and your own head it makes you feel that little bit worse. Not only because i cant help them but because i know how they feel. I know what its like to have such a drastic life change.

Someone a few months ago passed a comment on facebook to me that i thought was extrermly harsh considering what i use to do and what i try and do now. They posted a photo of a stunning hotel they were staying in and i simply said, you may have to share some of your money so that we can have such lovely holidays...there response was - not being funny but we work hard, earn our money and deserve a break. This tore my heart to shreads as like i said before, i was in a job etc and persuing a massive future. Even now, im still doing photography so its not like im sitting on my arse.

Its things like this that are sticking in my head. Tearing me down and adding to my already complicated PTSD.

My other half still doesnt know the full story of whats going on in my head. It scares me. I cant scare her too. Thats 100% unfair.

Who knows, tomorrow may be different. Ive tried keeping busy today and knitted 5 more NICU hats and the sleeves for the baby cardigan im making. I also had a follow up appointment with the maxifacial specialist after i had a tumor removed from my lip just before christmas...and even this news wasnt perfect as he told me it will grow back and could turn into cancer at any point. Fab hey!!

TTFN

XXXX

Im Back

Im aware it has been a few days...but Im going to keep it short.

The last few days have been beyond hectic, stressful and just head hurting for me-literally.

On Thursday night, my other half had told me that both our mums were talking about me on my latest admission to hospital. Aparently the nurse who was looking after me, the respiratory consultant and the ITU consultant were all very worried. Not just because i was deteriorating with my asthma attack, but they were worried i wasnt going to be able to keep battleing on because of my muscle wasting. They said that if i were to have many more attacks like this latest one, the liklihood is i wont pull through. I just dont have the muscle strength. With my phosphate also refusing to pick up, it also means that my muscles arnt contracting in the right way so my vital organs just cant get enough oxygen. Along with this, they were worried that mentally i will keep struggling with everything thats going on so they told our mums not to tell me what they have said. My other half just couldnt keep it on on Thursdag night though. It was eating her up. And i dont blame her for telling me.

During the mddle of the night i had yet another full body allergic reaction but we have no idea what to again which is very annoying.

Friday we had to look after our nephew. His mum had an appointment which was going to be roughly an hour long so we took the pleasure in looking after him. He is such a content little boy and i really cant wait to have my own little family.

On saturday, I needed to get out the house. There was far to much negetivity and it was driving me down so we decided to take Dixie to the beach...bad move. We have now worked out that the salt wter makes Dixie violently ill. Shes done i before but it wasnt untill yesterday i actually clicked. By now though we know the drill and managed to get things under control and by today she was back to her usual self again and we even managed to give her one of the liver cakes that i made her. Dont worry, theu are dog friendly!!

Today weve literally hybernated. Ive had a migrane for the last few days and it just wouldnt shift...untill this afternoon. Praise the lord. Whilsy chilling though, in turn i have managed to finish off all the writing in our wedding invites and ive also managed to knit number 69 of the NICU hats. So im super pleased.

Well, im off to bed now. Ive planed a huge suprise for my loverly lady tomorrow and i need to be both physically and mentally strong (especially as i fell over today trying to pick up one of our rabbits)

TTFN

XXXX

Cant Wait

Last night myself and my partner bidded on yet another 3 properties with in Cornwall so that we can get a place of our own. Thats 4 now in total. Im praying so hard that our dreams come true pretty pronto. The reason I say this is because my other half has reduced her happy pills (antidepresents) to one a day because as you know we are trying to start a family and these tablets at a higher dose can cause harm to the unborn child. Annoyingly though, a few things have happened over the last 24 hours to which has made here very pissed off, agitated and angry...she has told me that she has felt low and not know how to control her emotions. The reason for this annoyance is because of her parents. They still remain to treat her and me infact as a child. Not being funny but im 23 and shes nearly 21, were no wgere near children any more so we dont need to be spoken to like shit, we dont need to be asked every five minutes where we are going, what we are doing and why we are doing certain things. We need our independance. We had a great day out at a national trust place this morning where my other half kindly pushed me in my chair, Dixie splashed around in the river and then we had a picnic. We then came home and finished building our rabbit run for the three boys and then ended up spending the rest of the day in our room because in the breif 1 hour of us being amongst her parents they had stressed us out so much that we literally couldnt hack it any more. Dont get me wrong her parents are amazing just like many, but they need to stop treating us like a child. Unfortunatly we are still on the lowest banding for the council housing list so unless we are really lucky it doesnt look like we are going to be getting a place of our own any time soon. Living independently is going to push our money to the very max, but life would be happier, we could be ourselves and we can do what ever we like in our time and on our terms. Fingers crossed it happens soon. In other news, I have knitted another 4 hats today which gives me a grand total of 16. Just another 14 to go and my first NICU box is ready to be sent. Please keep donating for me. The support is very much needed. Asthma needs to have better treatments. Asthma needs a cure. https://www.justgiving.com/Charlie-Hockaday-Williams TTFN XXXX

Scream And Shout And Let It All Out.

Lush little day. Well, thats how it started any how. Myself and the lady to Dixie for a walk like usual. I then had to drop my other half at the camel trail as she was meeting up with her healthy lady. To which they done more walking and then as soon as I picked her back up an hour later we went off swimming. Unfortunatly we didnt stay as long as we would have liked because a mass load of holiday makers came in and took over the place. When we got home, it was roughly time to feed Dixie. (And heres where the title comes from.) Two seconds after we put Dixies food down on the floor, my other halfs mum walks in from upstairs, demands for us to pick up Dixies food because her dog was coming in. We asked her to wait a few minutes to give Dixie time to actually eat, but no she storms in, picks it up and puts it on the table leaving Dixie with nothing. I wouldnt mind but we warm Dixies meat up as she prefers it like that and each time its being taken away from her, it then goes warm and then she eats nothing. The next thing to which not only pissed me off but upset me is that I had the two youngest rabbits in the run as we didnt manage to get them in there yesterday.Dixie was casually outside laying in the sun, not having a care in the world about the rabbits. My other half mum comes down stairs again and I told her, ease dont let Lottie out right now as Dixie is out there and the rabbits are still in the run. So what does she go and do. Let Lottie out and she strolls back in. Immediatly I can hear that they were up to no good, and she must of to as she goes back out side and is shouting at her dog to get off the run. Next thing I know, shes ran indoors screaming at me saying the rabbits have got out the run. (Same scenario as yesterday). We manage to get the dogs back inside and then she stands over me whilst watching me struggle with two rabbits and the run and says to me "how are they managing to get out all of a. Sudden?!". Admittedly my response was sharp and it went something like "because your dog keeps jumping on the run, pulling it around (to which there are now small holes in the canvas) and they have ripped up the pegs leaving a massive hole for them to hop in and out. Next time, one dog out her at a time and we will have to watch them". After sorting them out, I went back in and got a little upset, because if it was Spice who I call my grampher rabbit, he would have been dead. Hes 7 years old so is bloody old for a rabbit and we are actually suprised hes still going. But the stress of a dog jumping on him would literally give him a heart attack. As a rest, im not blinking scared to let him in the run which is unfair. Tonight because I was so stressed and upset, I asked my other half if we could take Dixie fir her second walk early and then go upstairs to bed and watch a film. To which she said yes and thats where I am now...though the film has finished and I am nowing doing my bed time nebulisers and physio. The film we watch by the way was "inhabited". Ive had it for years but my lovely lady has never seen it...she kept jumping and cuddling into me as she was so scared ha. Its only a 12 I think as well. Bless her. Well, its been another long day for me, and im ready for the planned PJ weekend so ill chat to you all tomorrow. TTFN XXXX

Really!?

Could you ever imagine what a day in my life could be like!? Well here is yet another day of being turned upside down. Latly now because of getting up so early, my body clock now seems to think 0730 is the perfect time for me to be awake. Fun. I guess with being up so early the day may aswell have been started, so after my.morning medications we toddled off to the feild. Annoyingly though we had to bring my mother in laws dog with us. We only managed to walk around the feild twice though as I was bloody shattered. After all of that walking we then had to do a mad dash to the post ofgice as the post man is starting to get rediculous again with not posting our parcels. It seems as though I am now instantly the person that has to run everyone around. With having to take my father in law to hospital we had to leave his car at the doctors surgery, and because my mother in law was having a stress that it may have got damaged, she rang the rac and through mobility she got it driven home. Thats fine, I dont mind helping with that to some extent because you cant help being poorly, but what hacks me off is, my mother in law can infact actually drive and is insured to drive their car, she just doesnt want to. I stead I am being made to run around. All in all to dat, I have driven from home, to Bodmin, to Wadebridge, to home, to Truro, to St Austell and then back home again. I had to miss my lunch time medication because of being in the middle of driving which cause my lungs to get pissed off and it also meant I couldnt have any pain relief because of the drowsiness it cause which it turn has left me crippled in pain. Thankfully because of my amazing girlfriend, as soonas we got home she dosed me high with drugs and cooked me a lovely tea. After about 2 hours I was now in less pain than before. Enough that I could walk a little and decided to quickly dash around the feild again with Dixie as its really unfair for her to miss out hust coz my body is screwed up. Im praying that I dont have to run everyone around tomorrow as I really cant cope with it. On other notes, my father in law had a CT scan with dye to find out what was causing his breathlessness and it turns put he has clots in both lungs. He sadly though is adiment that its his diabetes that has caused this, no matter how many times we tell him different. He says that just hecause he is 19stone and immobile (to some degree) that that wouldnt have caused the clots. I guess this is a little sadening as it means he wont change his lifestyle. Some might say that this could be a warning to him. I guess if hes not willing to accept that his lifestyle isnt the factor for his stint in hospital then hes not going to get that reality check for his life. Sad really. TTFN XXXX

Why Cant One Day Be Simple!?

With an intentional early rise this morning, who knew that the day could turn out so god damn shit!! First off, we were intending on going swimming, but both my other half and her dad had to go to the doctors. My lady has been refered to someone a little more specialist to help out with a new problem that shes got (I say new, but weve been back and forth to the GP so many times over the last year, but theyve only just decided they cant control things any more). Sadly though, with her pops, I ended up having to drive him to hospital on the GPs orders. Hes had an increase in his shortness of breath over the last two days that his inhaler wasnt sorting and was getting a lot of chest pain. An update on him as of an hour ago after an xray, ecg and blood work, he may have a possible small PE. As a result, he is being kept in overnight just incase. I hope its nothing to bad, but on the other hand, maybe this could be a wake up call for my other halfs parents crappy diets and lack of exercise. But, will update you more on what is going on when we know more. I have to go pick up my mother in law who is currently still at hospital, im just hoping its pretty darn soon as im normally in bed by now. The other shit oart of today is that we had the council man come around today after he refused to put in a stair lift for me two which two medical professions told him I need and boy didnt I have yet another go at him. On a good note though, we are now getting a stair lift. On a bad note, hes only doing this for the mean time because he is basically kicking the four of us out. As aparently there are no homes in cornwall with two large double bedrooms either, me and my other half now need to venture on our own. Weve been told we have to sign up to home choice and start bidfing on properties. The council man also told us that they cant help us out anymore financially (because we told him were struggli.g to live off the parents on our income of benefits), he then also told us that the homes come unfurnished and that he also cant help us there either ( which im pissed about as ive just sold all my storage kit to which held my first flats living stuff. We are well and truly screwed. I went straight upstairs and just cried. We cant afford to live on our own, and the chance of me now getting a home that is suitable for my needs is zero to none. The council man ill just add said that if my other halfs parents got a house first, we would have to leave at the same time whether we had a home or not. So this twat is willing to make an ill and disabled person homeless. What the heck is the world come to. More stress to add to my life. I just want one day where I xan sit, chill and be my self. When do you think that may be!? TTFN XXXX

Stress!!

As I mentioned yesterday, I wasnt going to be doing a lot today because of having to asthma attacks yesterday, so I sat and editted the photographs I took yesterday. Ok, well, firstly we took Dixie for a walk around the feild, had some dinner and then I went up to our room and started the photo editting process. For the first two hours sorting the photos everything went swimmingly. I took 149 photos all in all, that turned out good. There was more but of course some were blurred and some people were blinking etc so the had to go leaving 149. Out of all of them I have for 70 I really like and im focusing my time on. The first lot of editing was good, cropping, sharpening, de noising and colour altering. But heres where the stressful thing started. I spent the next three hours wanting to give up. I had been given some templets to be able to group together 4 or more photos together on one page, annoyingly though my photo editting softwares didnt want me to be able to do this and no matter what I done to get it to work, the things just didnt want to work. So I have gone for plan be for adding borders and didderent effects to the appropriate shots. I still have a hell of a lot of work to do and im going to be focusing my time on it tomoorow whilst my other half is volunteering. Another adding if stress, is that I have weighed myself a day early. Well, technically I weigh myself everyday. I have sadly become very obsessive about my weight since ive been trying to loose it. Anyway, this week because ive been bad with food, I have currently put on 3pound. So like on Friday when I punished myself with swimming, today I punished my self by walking around the feild twice with Dixie. Ok, so to the average person walking around a feild twice may seem a little lame, but when you have muscles and lungs like ive got, it could be seen as a disaster waiting to happen, I dont care though, I need to loose this weight. Im just not happy with it anymore and it was driving me down along with everything else. Heres to next week though for a better amount of good thoughts and goals. Especially as its mine and my other halfs first time camping together. Yay. TTFN XXXX

Money, Money, Money

Everything lately involves money. Earlier this month, we found out that we have infact been paid £200 less each month from the job centre than what we thought as they failed to inform us. We had been wondering why each month we seemed to be dipping into my DLA payout from last February. And now we know why. The pain in the ass thing about this is that not only has christmas just passed, but it was also my birthday, plus valentines day, plus a years anniversary from me and my partner having been engaged. We also had to change over my car insurance which cost extra for the initial payment, plus we had double pet insurance for it being the initial payment, then Dixie became poorly and we had to rush her to the vets, and we also had to go to Birmingham twice for my appointments. Ontop of all this, because I am struggling each month, im cancelling my storage unit and selling everything thats in it. Last year to drop my unit it cost £25, now they want to take £120. I told them the reason im cancelling my storage is because I dont have the mo thly £53 let alone the amount they want today. They werent impressed so have given me till the 7th March to pay it off. It is literally all about money. Everyone wants it when we dont have it. Thankfully I have been a little OCD with saving because me and my partner desperately want a baby, so now we have needed to start dipping into this. Were not best pleased, but what else can we do!? The government dont want to help us, and the bills need to be paid. More stress to add to what we have. TTFN XXXX

happiness vs tension

To start things off I am over the moon to tell you all that myself and my lovely lady now officially have the same surname. Some may think this is crazy, but to us its the next best thing to getting married and as we cant afford that yet, this is equally as great and both ends up with the same result. The second best thing about this is that when we eventually start a family, we will all now have the same surname, we will be more like a joint family Excited at last!! Where there us good news though, there is always bad news. My other halfs sister got really horrible about the fact we didnt tell her we were planning on changing our names, she also said it was pathetic that we done it. As well as this, she then started getting pissy about some of the statuses we put on facebook - erm excuse me, but is it not my facebook!? If you dont like it, delete me!! This caused a huge argument within the house and really didnt help situations. In other news, things are still very much the same with regards to the puppies, my girlfriends mum and her general attitude daily. The atmospher as a result is crap, theres no longer nice jolly daily conversations, just constant bitching, jealouse and snappy talking. I hate it, i moved out from my mum because of things like this, I dont need it again. Im just really pleased that it hasnt come between me and my girlfriend as that would be really decestating. Well im off, got an appointment tomorrow at plymouth for my lungs so another busy day!! TTFN XXXX

Stressed Beyond belief!!

Okay so weve had the puppies for nearly three weeks now, and as mentioned in previous posts, my other half mum has been getting beyond rediculous with her behaviour towards everyone in the house. One minute there something wrong with her puppy as Dixie (our puppy) is doing more puppy like things compared to hers then the next minute Dixie is a little shit and is doing everything wrong posdible. She is also still reading far to much on the internet and constantly telling us all these different stories and how (in random peoples minds) think our puppy should be. I mean you wouldnt tell a new mum how their baby should be so why do it with a puppy. Last week, our puppy fell into the pond and nearly died as a result. As a result, for the last week, me and the other half has been banging on about how the pond needs to b made puppy proof...yet nothing has been done and suprise suprise, their dog walked across the net and nearly repeated Dixies move from last week. Thankfully we managed to retrieve her before it got worse!! There was a huge barny in the house today because the other halfs dad is getting equally pissed of with the whole situation with her mum. He (and I guess I do) wish we never got the puppies. Yes I love her to bits but the stress, tention and arguments it has caused is not right. A family should not be torn up by something so minor. On other notes, I got my wheelchair last week curtosy of the NHS and theyve come up trumps. Theyve provided me with one of the best action chairs just so I can get out and about again doing what I used to enjoy when my.musvles were perfect. As always with me of course, ive already snooped it up and have spongebob bands on the inner wheels and those annoying plastic things that go on childrens bike wheels on my spokes so I can piss everyone off in asda. Result!! We also tested Mr Wheelie down the camel trail on saturday and I loved it, I co u ld take photos without being exhauted, we could even get twice as far down the teail because I wasnt exhausted or out of breath. It really was perfect and made my day. Plus it was a day out of the hoyse with my lovely lady just the two of us, being us again. Well I best go, have to be up in 7.5 hours to drive to birmingham for an immunology appoint. Suvch fun!! TTFN XXXX

Money Worries!!

I havnt a clue how Im going to get over this, bit I hate it.

Im not short of money as I save a crazy amount each month but each month I panic a ridiculus amount that Im going to run out of money or that Im not going to have enough to pay for all my bills.

We have a little book started this month where we are writing down any extra spendings that we are doing so we can monitor how much money we have left for us to spend on what we like.

Some people may think that doing that is stupid but with me being able to visually see the out goings it some how makes me feel better.

Im so pathetic about it, everytime we are out and I see a cash point I have to check my balance. This will still be done even if I know exactly how much is in there.

I want to get this stressful situation out of my head but I really dont know how Im going to do it...if you can think of any, comments would be greatfully welcome as it really is getting me down.

Anyhow, puppy is awake now so Im off

TTFN

XXXX