Not Much To Say

At the moment it doesnt look like i can say a lot, literally because it looks like someone is watching what i am saying and being a complete and utter prick and sending stuff to my wife. If you have noticed, i never mention any names as i dont want my family to know about what i write in my blog. They all know i have one. They all know im depressed. The all know im finding it hard to accept the live i have been given with illnesses and disabilities and THEY ALL KNOW IM SUICIDAL!! Thats nothing different to anyone meber or my family so before anyone decides to copy and paste any part of my blog and add shit into it and remove stuff that i have written fucking jog on. I have this blog as a way to release things from my head. I purposly chose to write it in a blog rather than writing it on pen and paper SO THAT MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY CAN NOT READ WHAT I HAVE WROTE SO STOP BEING A GOD DAMN FUCKING PRICK AND STICKING YOUR NOSE WHERE IT DOESNT BELONG. Little did you know but you caused an argument between me and my wife and at the weong time because of the bullshit you had said!! I also dont need any nasty remarks from this blog. A lot and i mean A LOT has happened since the weekend and i an lucky to be here for more than one reason. And at this present moment in time, i dont mean lucky for me. I mean lucky for those around me . I am having top intervention that i can have at home because my mental health has taken a steap decline backwards. Its nothing new to my friends and family and its nothing they themselves with ever be able to change. I have grown to being this way because the deterioration in my physical health and sadly that has taken a very steap decline backwards. Thats no excuse for me trying to end my life nor is it an excuse for anyone else, but this is who i am. The people who do care for me and love me regardsless know this. Its the risk they take when they accept me into their lives or choose to keep me a part of their lives. I dont ask to be within the circle of social activity, they choose to keep me. What you done on Saturday night doesnt change how i feel myself. It does however change the fact i no longer trust anyone on face value!! Cheers for that!! TTFN XXXX

Severe PTSD

Following my disagnosis last January I have been really struggling to actually get the therapy I need. Firstly nobody wanted to take actual responsibility for it so nobody actually wanted to start the treatment. I am guessing because of funding.

Well last Monday I finally got my first session of treatment. Its called Eye Movemrnt Therapy.

Basically my consultant gets me to follow and object for a certain number of repetetive movements over a period of time.

Sadly I cant go into much more detail other than to tell you it went ok. It has something to do with the way the treatment works.

My consultant told me that I would be sleepy and that i must go home to sleep. Unfortunatly my other half wanted to see her mum on the way home so that didnt happen. As a result I became an emotional wreck. Not realising its because of the treatment I literally couldnt do anything without crying, thinking i was a failure or wanting to kill myself again. I just didnt know what to do and to be honest im now not looking forward to this weeks treatment on Monday.

I know i have to be honest with my Consultant though and I have to tell him exactly how i felt else it could be completly pointless me continuing this.

I just hope it starts to work. I know each time my asthma flares I will need treatment for my PTSD but i guess this is just another one of those diagnosis im going to have to deal with long term.

TTFN

XXXX

My Last Hope

Since being told in January that there was nothing left for me, nothing left trestment wise to help my asthma i was preparing for each year that went by for ny life to get worse. My lungs to get worse. Thankfully ive been given a lifeline. I change my local consultant when i move to Cornwall and they have done tests that show i have PID which is primary immune deficiency. As i have this, they have said this is the reason to which i am getting around 15 infections there abouts a year which is not only causing my asthma to flare but also my lung function to permenantly be done and ive now built up huge amounts of irreversable scar tissue in and around my lungs. It suck. The worst thing about it all is this could have been solved years ago. I first had this picked uo 4 years ago but was told there was no treatment when in fact therevwas and there still is. Im just so glad I moved to Cornwall as it now means ive been given hope. So my new treatment IgG transfusion. Its pretty technical stuff and again as I said before, without wonderful blood donors, my life wouldnt be able to have this. Each 20ml of my treatment is a few thousands worth of donors bloods and each week I will be recieving 60ml and that is for the next year alone. If the treatment shows improvement I will be staying on this untill they find an alternative. This could be life. For my first ever treatment, me and my wife watched the nurses set everything up and put the needle in my belly. Next week though its our turn. We will be taking a hands on aproach so that the quicker we learn how to set up the pumps and do everything in a safe manor, the quicker I wont have to keep coming to derriford hospital. Each infusion takes an hour to go through. I can only have a maximum of 20mls through each pump at a time into that specific area of my tummy to prevent damage. Yes it take a long time to go through but once its running, youre free to do what you like, well withing reason. On this occasion, I did have a reaction to the blood product but this was to be expected as it was a foreign body being placed into the skin surface of my belly. Today it is still pretty red, sore and bruised but itll settle. Im just praying this is the miracle treatment that could give me some form of life back. Im not banking on my life to be exactly the same as 5 years ago as thats impossible, I have far to much damage, but even if im semi there I will be impressed. Here is a picture of my treatment

TTFN XXXX