Hospital, Asthma And Mental Illness

Saturday 31st January 2015...at 7am i woke with a very rude awakening, yet another asthma attack. Its never nice waking up struggling to breathe, having a peak flow of 90 and sats of 81% so we got an ambulance straight away.

By the time i got to resus i was shattered. All the usual drugs were given and ICU had been contacted. They came to visit me in resus and all i remember is waking with the ICU consultant holding ny head and holding a bag and valve mask to my face as he was bagging me.
So, as you can probably guess i went to resus and was on NIV for 24 hours.

Once my gases had stabilised i begged to leave ICU because of the trauma it causes me so thankfully they got me to the ward pretty quickly. U fortunatly,the first night on the ward there was a crash call put out for me.and the resus trolly placed next to my bed. The ICU cons then rushed me for an urgent CT scan to make sure i had no clots as my gases were shocking. Thankfully i didnt but i did however have double pneumonia and some shadows on my lungs. The pneumonia had been treated and ive gotta go back when more stable to have biopses on my lungs to figure out what the shadows are.

Three days later i was getting better and my consultant wanted to see how my heart was doing as he though he could hear issues. So off i pop for the scan and guess what, i have fluid building up on my heart. Perfect. So now i need a second heart scan this sunday to see how fast it is building up.

Thursday morning I started to feel a little better and even managed to put on a film. 10 minutes in and now i have no recollection of what went on. I only know what ive been told because i went unresponsive. They think that this is a result of my asthma attack and my body being extremely exhausted. Nothing could wake me. They put stupid amounts of pressure on my chest, collar bones and eye sockets abd it didnt wake me. Aparently they also put in an oral airway and i even tolerated that. I am now sacred shitless that thisll happen with every attack i have.

My consultant has now also started me on hypertonic saline nebs to try and shift the rediculous amounts of mucus i have building up. At the moment all is going good though it is making me mouth stupidly sore.

Following all this, it has really fucked up my head and i really dont want to live anymore. So i finally managed to build up the courage to tell the staff at hospital how i felt about my suicidal intentions abd as a result ive been admitted to a secure mental health unit.

All this happened on my birthday and it sucks. What a great birthday.

I got put on level three line of sight because of the risks and my intentions to die.

The second night of my being here i really did just have enough so tide stuff around my neck. Sadly though about 5 minutes later i got caught. Needless to say im mega pissed off.

Ive also managed to get hold of things and cut up my arm aswell. All of this because of stupid PTSD abd flashbacks from ITU admissions. I really want this to end. If not the flash backs then my life...

TTFN

XXXX

Wowzers

So yet again life has been turned right upside down and all over the place.

On tuesday i was due to have my hip surgery. I had everything sorted mentally etc because i had been having therapy. We r then sat there, all paperwork filled in and every member of the team has spoke to me, then low and behold after 3 hours of bwing bumped we then get told er sorry ur surgery has had to be cancelled as theres no ITU bed for if its needed post op. Was so pissed off as u can imagine. It has now been rebooked for the 24th of February and fingers crossed itll go ahead this time.

In other news, after signing up to do dog fostering last wednesday we were super pleased to learn we had passed. We got told initially that we wouldnt be able to foster untill Dixie had beeb spayed which we figured was fair enough BUT four hours after our home check and we had a phone call, they want us to foster a dog. Yay.

We picked him up on Sunday, his name is Diesel (no we didnt pick it) and he is a minnaturet Staffy. He is absolutly adorable but hes extremely tough to look after. Each day he wakes though he is getting better. He still has some aggression when he has to do something he doesnt like, for example getting out the car and he also has extremely bad food aggression. Sadly thatll take a while to go because hes just not use to having regular meals. He has really bad seperation anxiety also so the minute myself or my wife leave the room he howls the place down. Sadly that may never go.

On sunday we also had to rescue a rabbit. He was in such a bad shape u am totally suprised that he is still alive. We have managed to sort his hutch so its now in a liveable condition,weve also cut his nails and also brush half his fur. I say half because it is in such a bad state that we really dont want to traumatise him so we are giving him breaks inbetween time.

For now though life really isnt that much different.

Im starting to feel really poorly again though. Really drowsey and pain in my lungs. I blinking hope its just a passing cold =(

Well i best be off. Sounds like some pooches need fussing!!

TTFN

XXXX

Stress Stress Stress

Round two of my eye movemwnt therapy for my PTSD was on Monday. Prior to arriving i was actually shitting myself, i really didnt want to go purly because last week after my last session was hell. I felt shit, wanted to commit suicide and just felt rubbish, so you can see why i didnt want this week to happen.

Well the session itself was a pretty bad one and i could actually only do half an hour as a result and the therapist knew it was bad with how things went.

After the session we went shopping and i went home and slept just as i was told to as i dint want any bad effect because of not doing what i was told. Unfortunatly though, it wasnt untill about 9pm that things started going really bad again. Thankfully i had an amazing friend at the end of the phone i could text as i didnt want to worry my wife. I felt so weird though. I didnt feel like my body was my own. I was shaky. Jittery and beyond scared. I ended up having to taken more morphine than usual to try and calm my system down. It knocked me to sleep as you can imagine and thankfully by the time i woke the next day things had been a little more easier to cope with.

I think once my surgery is over next week things may get a little easier for me.

On Tuesday my wife went to the doctors for a bloody test. Im not going to tempt fate but the result should be in today. Weve rung aleady but sadly they arnt back as of yet so we are going to have to ring tomorrow.

On wednesday I felt like we needed to do something for ourselves and to help others. Im going through a huge phase of wanting to help others so i signed myself and my wife up to foster poorly and abandoned dogs. Today we had a suprise phone call from a homechecker as we had passed the first stage and she wanted to come out and visit us today. Well that check has just been completed and we have passed. Yay!! Heres to helping more lost pooches.

Well ill probably not be blogging untill after my surgery now so hope you all have a gokd weekend.

TTFN

XXXX

Severe PTSD

Following my disagnosis last January I have been really struggling to actually get the therapy I need. Firstly nobody wanted to take actual responsibility for it so nobody actually wanted to start the treatment. I am guessing because of funding.

Well last Monday I finally got my first session of treatment. Its called Eye Movemrnt Therapy.

Basically my consultant gets me to follow and object for a certain number of repetetive movements over a period of time.

Sadly I cant go into much more detail other than to tell you it went ok. It has something to do with the way the treatment works.

My consultant told me that I would be sleepy and that i must go home to sleep. Unfortunatly my other half wanted to see her mum on the way home so that didnt happen. As a result I became an emotional wreck. Not realising its because of the treatment I literally couldnt do anything without crying, thinking i was a failure or wanting to kill myself again. I just didnt know what to do and to be honest im now not looking forward to this weeks treatment on Monday.

I know i have to be honest with my Consultant though and I have to tell him exactly how i felt else it could be completly pointless me continuing this.

I just hope it starts to work. I know each time my asthma flares I will need treatment for my PTSD but i guess this is just another one of those diagnosis im going to have to deal with long term.

TTFN

XXXX

Busy, Excited, Tired...All In One

These last few days have been very hecric but amazing at the same time.

We did manage to go away which i am so pleased about.

First off we paid a visit to my sister as my other half baked her the most amazing birthday cake ever so we went and had tea with her, gave her all her presents and webt and seen the finished nursery. So excited as theres literally on 2 or 3 weeks left and the baby should be here.

Following my sister we went off to Dorset, Sunday night was just a chill night with a few dvds, relaxing ready for our big day.

Our donor text us saying he was early but it was ok as we were ready and excited. He is so funny as he fitted us in between a trip to the tip and shopping at morrisons before picking up his son from school. Im so glad that he found us as we couldnt have found a better man to "father" our child.

Post doing the deed, we decided to take a random trip to Glastonbury to go charity shop shopping where we baught 8 baby items for £4. I absolutly love charity shops. We then went and had a proper realy banana milkshake with ice cream. Yum...well my girlfriend had a banoffee one but it was still uber lush.
To top off our amazing day, we then went and had a meal at the pub next to our hotel. I really do love spending these little days out with my lady.

On Tuesday I decided to take my other half to Clarks Village as shes never been there before either. We had a lush bit of retail therapy and i really treated her. She deserves it after all hehe.

Over the last few days ive been waking up with really bad migraines again. Thankfully though because i have been doing the over night oxygen readings its been showing that its clearly low oxygen levels that is causing it as they dropped down to 82% most nights.

In other good news, 4 weeks later ive finally cleared my chest infection so i am super pleased. I hate the fact it takes so long to shift but i guess thats just my crappy body.

Well, we find out if we have had any luck with our donor around the 25th July so if you could all keep your fingers and toes crossed for us I would be super pleased as i really cant wait to have a child with the most beautiful girl in the world.

TTFN

XXXX