Still fighting On

Not sure if you can remember from my last blog but a lot has been happening since i have been admitted to the Mental Health unit.

Ive finally managed to drop my twat of a consultant and have one who actually give a flying feck abd has actually got the ball rolling on things

2 weeks ago he started me on a medication callee sertraline. Sadly after 2 doses i had to stop as  it really messaed my heart up. I have though been put on another mesication called matazapien! (Sorry about spelling,dyslexia sucks). At the beginning it was great, really noticed a difference in my sleep pattern in particular but annoyingly its no longer happening. Thankfully ive a ward round tomorrow and i can see what else can be done.

Whilst ive been in hospital, which has been since 30th January, ive felt beywond suicidal and sadly attepted to take my own life. To which i was extremly close o  all 6 occasion.

Thankfully though although i still dont want to live im not actually trying to take my life any more. So i guess theres a slight increase in my mood.

Things r getting tough though and my restraint for not self harming is getting redoculously hard but i have to keep remind myself to stop. Not just for me but because my nephews chrestening on may 10th and i need to b off line od sight before i can go anywhere. I also need to get leave from the ward off the doctor because annoying, through the lack of doctoriness from the previous ass. It was too risky to keep me informal.

I really hope that things will start changing soon.

Sorry its a short update but im starting to feel a little shit just writing this. Fingers cross a few more weeks and ill be reborn.

Hope your all well

TTFN

XXXX

Severe PTSD

Following my disagnosis last January I have been really struggling to actually get the therapy I need. Firstly nobody wanted to take actual responsibility for it so nobody actually wanted to start the treatment. I am guessing because of funding.

Well last Monday I finally got my first session of treatment. Its called Eye Movemrnt Therapy.

Basically my consultant gets me to follow and object for a certain number of repetetive movements over a period of time.

Sadly I cant go into much more detail other than to tell you it went ok. It has something to do with the way the treatment works.

My consultant told me that I would be sleepy and that i must go home to sleep. Unfortunatly my other half wanted to see her mum on the way home so that didnt happen. As a result I became an emotional wreck. Not realising its because of the treatment I literally couldnt do anything without crying, thinking i was a failure or wanting to kill myself again. I just didnt know what to do and to be honest im now not looking forward to this weeks treatment on Monday.

I know i have to be honest with my Consultant though and I have to tell him exactly how i felt else it could be completly pointless me continuing this.

I just hope it starts to work. I know each time my asthma flares I will need treatment for my PTSD but i guess this is just another one of those diagnosis im going to have to deal with long term.

TTFN

XXXX

Death

Ironically the though of death scares me, yet given the chance i would end my life tonight.

Yes ok some people have it worse off than me, but this is my life. This isnt how i use to live and this isnt how i want to live.

Yes people who have been told they only have a few weeks to live literally want to do everything they can and see everyone to say goodbye
I guess the lucky (if u can call it lucky) thing here is that theyve been given that warning. That chance to say goodbye.
With my illness, i could literally die at any point. Without any warning and without any friends or family

I sucks.

It feels like im in prison and on deaths row. Just casually sat here waiting for it to be my time.

Why is more not being done about asthma.

Why is there no media on it. No regular press releases. No regular adverts raising awareness. We deserve that is nothing else right!?

Im not going to go into details to justify why i would end my life in a second because there are to many reasons. All you need to know is that, asthma sucks. The side effects from all these life saving lung medications suck.

Dont take your life for granted. You never know when it may abruptly come to an end.

TTFN

XXXX

Death

Ironically the though of death scares me, yet given the chance i would end my life tonight.

Yes ok some people have it worse off than me, but this is my life. This isnt how i use to live and this isnt how i want to live.

Yes people who have been told they only have a few weeks to live literally want to do everything they can and see everyone to say goodbye
I guess the lucky (if u can call it lucky) thing here is that theyve been given that warning. That chance to say goodbye.
With my illness, i could literally die at any point. Without any warning and without any friends or family

I sucks.

It feels like im in prison and on deaths row. Just casually sat here waiting for it to be my time.

Why is more not being done about asthma.

Why is there no media on it. No regular press releases. No regular adverts raising awareness. We deserve that is nothing else right!?

Im not going to go into details to justify why i would end my life in a second because there are to many reasons. All you need to know is that, asthma sucks. The side effects from all these life saving lung medications suck.

Dont take your life for granted. You never know when it may abruptly come to an end.

TTFN

XXXX

Wants Life To End

Literally, after today i really cant take any more.

All weekend ive been  spiralling further and further down because of things that are going on and im getting toy far into my depression im now struggling to pull myself out.

Being at mums was good in the fact that it was just me and my beautiful girlfriend but in theory it was just putting off the inevitable.

As soon as we got home, the shit literally hit the fan.

Argument kicked off, we were called ever name under the sun and we were made to feel like utter crap

And guess what the cause of it was...yup you got it, the happiest day of our lives, our  wedding.

My family have suprisingly been very supportive and happy for us. My partners on the other hand have really really kicked off, to the point theyve now told me im no longer doing their wedding photography and my  partner is no longer their bridesmaid. All this is because they arnt coming to the "ceremony" section of our wedding.

We are both so upset.

Its our day, we dont get why we are being treates like this.

Ive now contacted the welfare team for the councel explaining the urgency to get our own house as i fear that if im kept in this situation i will try to end my life again. They are just seeing what they can do to help and then will get back to us.

In good news though, ive now completed hat number 150 so another box is complete and ready to send.

TTFN

XXXX