Reflection...

Today I have been up to Bridgwater with my other half to see my old respiratory consultant to make sure that my transition to my new local has gone smoothly and that things are semi remaining ok. I updated her with regards to my last admission and that it was again in ITU needing NIV. I also updated her with regards to my allergies, my myopathy, my manitol test and all else that I may have been told in the last 6 months. As usual, she was very pleasant, caring and helpful. She said that now having done the mannitol challenge test, it obviously helps with the confirmation of asthma, with the fact I dropped so low on my FEV1 so quickly by so much confirms that I am very sensitive and also brittle. We all knew this anyhow but o viously with it now being on baby, its hard evidence against those twats that just dont want to believe. My lung function today was pretty reasonable for my (managing to get 1.81 liters of air out my old sacs with the first few seconds) I say for me because in fact, my highest out put of litres of air in the first few seconds is only, 2.05 and my lowest being 1.12. I should aparently be around 4 - 5 litres but I guess we cant have everything hey. She did say that it could be this high because I am on increased steroids but obviously we would never be able to know this. I also got to meet up with my sister breifly, have a sneaky peak of the bump and I also got to see the 'baba' scan...and get a copy for myself...

Ok, so the meaning of this post 'reflection' is basically because with today being another lung appointment, another lung function and another lung discussion, it just shows me how precious my life is and how much I need to live it. Being re told again today that I do have uncontrolled severe brittle asthma really does hit home. It shows that can never be longer than an hour away from hospital as that could mean that day being my last. My consultant also mentioned how much happier I seem now with not living with mum and with being with my partner, and that everything she is doing for me really is helping me meaning im having less strain on my lungs. Although this again has really really scared me, I really do need to live each day as if its my last. This has also triggered my ptsd massively tonight because im scared ill never get to meet my sisters baby, let alone mine and my other halfs baby. On positive notes with regards to 'reflection' having seen my niece or nephew in the scan (im saying nephew) it just reminds me just how much I want to be a mummy, and yes I am disabled, spend lots of time in hospital and live nearly every day in my wheel chair, it doesnt mean our baby isnt going to be loved and less, and not only is our child going to have respect for same sex coues, but they will also have respect for a disabled person. I have a feeling this child will be a perfect citizen in society and I cant wait. Ok, so heres a bit if a battle of the thought tonight. Hope its not to jumbled, but sadly this is how my head is seeing it. Im off to bed now as im what the dictionary calls= exhausted c: TTFN XXXX