Mixed Emotions.

This week has literally been all over the place for me and my wife but as usual, we are getting through it. First off, our donor has been helping us. We found a new donor to help us have a child. He lives in Cambridge and has a girlfriend but sadly she has a fatal geart condition so could never carry a child. He doesnt want to be involved physically but just wants updates. We are happy with that and at the end if the day, we have stated that for us to choose whether our child knows their father before they are even born is completly unfair. We are choosing their life, yet they should choose their path. So far we have had three donations and fingers crossed a few more as the week goes by. The next bit of craziness is that we had to find another foster family for Dixie because after we have her for two weeks over christmas, her currently family could no longer have her. We found two lovely people around the corner from us, but sadly on Monday, they to got made homeless by the council so it all fell through This week though, I have said some weird stuff to my wife. Firstly being that I told her I wasnt renewing our post redirection for her mums address as I have a really funny feeling we are going to get offered our permenant home. Then when the foster situation fell through I then said to my wife (this being a different day) im not going to put out a new add for a foster family for her as I have a funny feeling we are bringing her back to live with us in January. Today, at 11:15 am I got a phone call. Its the council. We have been allocated a house. We are viewing it tomorrow at 10:30 am and if it is suitable, we will get the keys by monday hopefully. Now come on, these weirdfeeling I had, something cant be right there surly. How did I know!? In other positive news, I had a big medical supplys delivery today... and our first home visit assessment to see if we can cope doing my infusions at home. Guess what, we aced that too. And again she went on about how amazed at how fast we have picked up on this and that we have been the fastest out of the 70 patients on her clinic list. She also caught eye of all my knitting and was amazed and impressed with that too. So, all in all so far this week has been fantastic. Can you all keep your fingers crossed for the new home and positive tests for next week. In the mean time, I am fighting yet more issues with my lungs. Sky high temp, low sats and peak flow and a wheezy chest. Perfect. Life goes on though. TTFN XXXX

Annoyance Yet Happified

Random title dont you think!? Well all is about to be explained...

Ive not blogged in a little while because ive been struggling to get my head around a few things and ive done my usual trick. Ive bottled it all up.

Continuing from my crappy chest,  it turns out from my stutum results i have a fungus infection. Im going to send another sample tomorrow to see what the exact treatment can be as i dont want any old tablet chucked my way.

On Thursday, my sister got taken to the maternity section of hospital because she hadnt felt her baby move in atleast a day. Whilst there they decided to do a sweep and had said if labor hadnt started by the Friday they would have to induce. Guess what, it hadnt started. At 1030am she got give the pessary to start off her contractions. By 2pm she was already 2cm dialated and by 5pm she was 7cm. The midwife called the delivery unit to get hee moved over, and by the time she got round there she was fully dialated but got told she had to wait to hold off pushing as they hadnt nothing ready for her. Sadly she had to be cut and needed stitches after the delivery, but thankfully she delivered a very healthy little boy named Zak and he weight 8lb 7oz the little chubster. As you can imagine ive spent a small fortune on the little dude. We already gave a small box to my sister in july which cost around £30 in clothes and my and my girlfriend have filled another box of which in total there are 46 presents but half of that are wrapped with multiple items. We also got Zaks brother and sister from a previous partnership a present and card as we didnt want them to feel left out and start getting jealous. Well, we are off to met the little man tomorrow and im uber excited.

In other news...more has kicked off woth regards to my other halfs parents.

My girlfriend had made another cake for a client over the weekend and we took some pictures for her page. This resulted in us turning on the pc which it hasnt been on since the 27th july which was when i last used it.

When my other half switch it on, the start up screen had been changed and the name of the user had been ultered...which has meant that my other halfs parents have been in our room and snooped through our stuff whilst we havnt been here. Im fuming as theyve no right to be in our room whith out asking and they certainly have no right to be on my pc. Theres nothing on there for them and its not even their daughters.

I know it might seem pathetic, but because we are at my sisters all tomorrow, i am going to be sticking a small piece of cellotape to the top right side of the door tomorrow and ill know then if theyve been in our room. Like ive said, tomorrow they have no need to be in here.

So, like my title says, its a tale of two stories.

TTFN

XXXX

Busy And Excited All In One

Today has been one of those up and down emotional days

It started off with anger. My partner woke up super early knowing she had an order for a cake. 2 hours after she had been awake and the cake was cooked, the lady who ordered the cake sent a message saying she no longer had the money to pay for it and wondered if she could pay on friday but still have the cake tomorrow. Straight away i said no, it doesnt work like that. Weve taken the decision to not give her the cake. She said she would let us know of she could get the money from someone at 7pm tonight. I have no idea hpw she expected my girlfriend to turn over a peppa pig model cake at 7pm tonight. Crazy springs to mind.

After all that curfuffle, my respiratory consultants secretary got back to me after i left a message yesterday and has made an appointment for me in August to give him my over night sats recornings. I really praying something can be done about them as i woke up again with a huge headache and it puts me in a foul mood.

I then tried to have a snooze this afternoon as i was physically and mentally exhausted and my partners parents decided they would be as loud as possible. Bearing in mind we live in the countryside where theres no traffic or noise, they decided that instead of talking to each other in the garden, they would shout at each other. Pissed me right off as i got no sleep. So not only am i not sleeping on the night time but im being stopped during the day. I wouldnt mind but they knew i was asleep as my partners mum decided she would come in our room and start talking to my partner whilst i was led there with my eyes closed. Actually thinking about it...pissed off doesnt describe in detail enough how i was feeling.

Then ofcourse we had excitment...the pram and car seat we ordered on the weekend arrived. Its so amazing and very well padded for the child. best of all. It didnt have pictures on the side of the boxes so there was no chance any one could see what they were so our worries about the hell we were going to get werent needed yay.

I then on the other hand dropped the bomb shell to my partner for how much money since saturday i spent on baby stuff...and ot came to £159 whoops. Not buying anymore for now then hehe.

TTFN

XXXX

Reasoning

Why does everything in life have to have a reason behind it. Why cant you just be doing something because you want to, because it will bring you happiness.

Rules should be broken, it brings you the adventures within your life, tests your personality and the way your mind works. It gets you thinking.

Everything in life you should think about, there could be drastic consequnces if you dont.

For example if i didnt think about taking my asthma medications i would be dead. If i didnt think about putting on my seat belt when i set off to drive and then didnt think about hitting the breaks when the lights turn red i would be dead.

Not everything needs a reasoning for it to be done, but everything needs a purpose.

I hate having to explain to people what im doing, how long im going to be etc etc

I moved out from my parents when i was 17 so i managed to lead my life without telling someone my every move.
Recently since ive moved in with my other half it seems like everything we do has to be explained and reasoned to her mum. I feel like i need to explain to her why i go to the toilet as well its that bad. Having had 5 years of freedom so to speak from constant questioning i now feel like im a convict on parole explaining my tag.

It sucks

Surly as an adult we shouldnt have to.

The purpose of this post is because my partner is currently shitting her pants about what her parents are going to say about a delivery we will be having in the next 2 days. We have ordered a pram and car seat. It was a fantastic deal that we got offered and didnt want to miss the opportunity of having it as its the pram weve always wanted. My partner now seems to think we have to be prepared for 50 million questions for when it arrives as her mum will be nosey and want to watch the delivery be opened and then will most definatly have something to say about it.

I really cant wait to get out of this friggin house. To be our own people again. For my partner to actually be thet adult she is.

Rant over.

TTFN

XXXX

Friends

When life is a little down, all you really need is friends.

Yes you guessed it, we managed to get out and meet up for lunch with our friend and her son.

We didnt manage much else before that as i was so exhausted.

On our trip out though we managed to post a friend a present which we are praying she will het before shes admitted to hospital next week, we purchased a fair few more baby bits for my sister ready for the baby but these arnt clothes, these are more essential stuff like wet wipes, johnsons baby stuff, sudocrem, nappy sacks and more little bits like that. We also got another lush pastel wool and some ribbon for the baby blanket im knitting once i finish my 6 hats a day.

To say im exhausted now though is a ahuge understatement.

I feel really weak and i cant actually even lift my arms anymore so im a little gutted. I honestly think that this weekend is going to be for recovery and that only.

TTFN

XXXX

Loosing The Will!!

These last 24 to 48 hours mentally for me have been a huge struggle.

Im still struggling to see the future. Im struggling to see what the point is. My health is just going to get worse, i dont want to end up like a vegetable and having everything done for me. Thats no life. Especially when ive had such a full on, busy, outgoing and active lifestyle up untill now.

Some people may say but think about what youve got and what youve achieve so far or even, there are worse people out there...yes thats great but for me, this drastic life change has hit me hard.

How would you feel if youve been told, roughly 10 years time you could be severly disabled or that you cant carry your own children or that if your partner was to have children you will never be able to run around with them at the park etc etc...i have been told all this and the reality behind it sucks.

5 years ago, i was working at bristol childrens hospital as a health care assistant and i bloody loved my job. I also had an acceptance to Surrey University to start my paramedic training and I also got accepted by London Ambulance service as a student paramedic. These last two where to be started after i decided to take a gap year and see what the hospital enviornment was like...it was then a few months later my lungs took a huge turn for the worst ... and then i lost everything. My career, my flat, my life.

I see people running in the street keeping fit and i think to myself, 5 years ago that was me. I would go running every night and then 3 times a week i would do a 6 mile walk followed 40 lengths in the swimmingpool. I can barly walk 30 yeards and only do 20 lengths if that in the pool.

Its gutting.

I hate it.

Why does life have to be so cruel.

Sometimes its difficult hearing other peoples issues to. When you have so much going on in your own life and your own head it makes you feel that little bit worse. Not only because i cant help them but because i know how they feel. I know what its like to have such a drastic life change.

Someone a few months ago passed a comment on facebook to me that i thought was extrermly harsh considering what i use to do and what i try and do now. They posted a photo of a stunning hotel they were staying in and i simply said, you may have to share some of your money so that we can have such lovely holidays...there response was - not being funny but we work hard, earn our money and deserve a break. This tore my heart to shreads as like i said before, i was in a job etc and persuing a massive future. Even now, im still doing photography so its not like im sitting on my arse.

Its things like this that are sticking in my head. Tearing me down and adding to my already complicated PTSD.

My other half still doesnt know the full story of whats going on in my head. It scares me. I cant scare her too. Thats 100% unfair.

Who knows, tomorrow may be different. Ive tried keeping busy today and knitted 5 more NICU hats and the sleeves for the baby cardigan im making. I also had a follow up appointment with the maxifacial specialist after i had a tumor removed from my lip just before christmas...and even this news wasnt perfect as he told me it will grow back and could turn into cancer at any point. Fab hey!!

TTFN

XXXX

knee And More

We had a nice early start this morning. Not. I had to go back to Truro to see the consultant about my knee. Sadly he has told me that i have damaged my maniscus. He is giving me two more week to rest and allow the swelling to go down and the pain the get better. If things are all the same then i have to have either one or both of the following things, an MRI and or seeing a knee surgeon. As a treat we then went over to costa. Weve not had very much time on our own recently out and about so we took the opportunity whilst we can...and it seems costa were mocking.me c; Once we got home, the weather was being great to us so we took the opportunity to let our butterflies that weve grown out into the wild. It was amazing. We held them first and really got to have a nice close look at them...it is something that we will be doing again. 100%. To have seen them go from tiny caterpillars right through to stunning butterflies was fantastic to watch. Youve got to love nature Following this, we picked up Dixie and i drove us to the feild just up the road where we let her off the lead and chucked the ball around the place and gave her a great run around. It was fab to see our little pooch out and about again as ive not been able to do it in ages. Ive also decided that me and my girlfriend havnt had a date daya in FOREVER. So weve arranged it for tomorrow where we aret off to the cinema to watch malificent. I have also completed hat number 79 today. Yay. Ps...my internet is being mega slow so as soon as its come back to the 21st century, i will be adding photos to go with this post. TTFN XXXX

Flipped Around

Everyones entitled to the otherside of the story, the good, the oppsite, the happiness... Well im glad you said yes because today has benn mine and my girlfriends day. Finally. For me, I have knitted 5 more baby hats which make 24 in total and on 4926 more to knit. I have also now raised £110 for AUK and I also managed to get out in my wheelchair for a stroll with my other half and Dixie. But thats not all- my amazing girlfriend has also had great news. Since weve change our diets to being beyond healthy and also stepped up the exercise game, her cholesterol levels have dropped. I was starting to get really worried last year as her level came back at 7.1 which is extremly high and meant she could literally dropped dead from a heart attack or stroke at any point. Last week she had this blood test repeated and her level is now 6.4. Ideally we need it to b at least 5 and even then thats at the higher end of the limits. So we have a little more work to go, but knowing that what we are doing is correct, and that her risk of dyeing from a heart attack has been reduced, we are that little bit happier. Now just to continue our fight with healthiness.I also managed to get my old phone changed over to allow an orange sim to work in it so she also has a nice new smart phone to which shes never had one before. Excitedly as well, the 5 caterpillars that we have been growing for the past 11 days have finally grown into thir chrysilists (please excuse my spelling). We have to leave them 3 more days in their little tub to allow their shells to harder and then we need to trasfer them to their new habitat where we will look after them for 14 days so their wings can strengthen and then we will release them. Being able to help the enviornment gives a sense of happiness in a different form. One you cant explain. Well, I am off to plymouth tomorrow for my lung review. Im praying I can get more treatment. Better control. We will see as only time will tell hey. TTFN XXXX Ps, please keep sharing my just giving page and also fly by with a donation. You would make me so happy. https://www.justgiving.com/Charlie-Hockaday-Williams

Cant Wait

Last night myself and my partner bidded on yet another 3 properties with in Cornwall so that we can get a place of our own. Thats 4 now in total. Im praying so hard that our dreams come true pretty pronto. The reason I say this is because my other half has reduced her happy pills (antidepresents) to one a day because as you know we are trying to start a family and these tablets at a higher dose can cause harm to the unborn child. Annoyingly though, a few things have happened over the last 24 hours to which has made here very pissed off, agitated and angry...she has told me that she has felt low and not know how to control her emotions. The reason for this annoyance is because of her parents. They still remain to treat her and me infact as a child. Not being funny but im 23 and shes nearly 21, were no wgere near children any more so we dont need to be spoken to like shit, we dont need to be asked every five minutes where we are going, what we are doing and why we are doing certain things. We need our independance. We had a great day out at a national trust place this morning where my other half kindly pushed me in my chair, Dixie splashed around in the river and then we had a picnic. We then came home and finished building our rabbit run for the three boys and then ended up spending the rest of the day in our room because in the breif 1 hour of us being amongst her parents they had stressed us out so much that we literally couldnt hack it any more. Dont get me wrong her parents are amazing just like many, but they need to stop treating us like a child. Unfortunatly we are still on the lowest banding for the council housing list so unless we are really lucky it doesnt look like we are going to be getting a place of our own any time soon. Living independently is going to push our money to the very max, but life would be happier, we could be ourselves and we can do what ever we like in our time and on our terms. Fingers crossed it happens soon. In other news, I have knitted another 4 hats today which gives me a grand total of 16. Just another 14 to go and my first NICU box is ready to be sent. Please keep donating for me. The support is very much needed. Asthma needs to have better treatments. Asthma needs a cure. https://www.justgiving.com/Charlie-Hockaday-Williams TTFN XXXX

Dont Jinx It

Im not sure whether itll be premature to share even more good news or not but im finally happy that things might be starting to look up a little.

This morning myself and my other half went to the doctors to discuss her tablets. The reason for this is that we want her to be as healthy as possible for getting pregnant and of course we dont want her to be on any tablets that may cause harm to the baby.

The doctor was amazing, he discussed everything. Even things concerning me and i dont even go to that practice. He adjusted my partners medication and said he wanted to see us both in a month to see how we were getting on.

Following the great doctors review, we then text our donor explaining the recent circumstances and asked whether he would still be willing to donate even though it wasnt going to be me carrying anymore. He said yes. He was also very kind to us about the situation and how it has come about which i also thought was good natured of him.

Once all this was done, i had to take my other half to her volunteering job. Yesterday she baked some cakes as it was a birthday at the shop and she made an extra one for us to eat at home. They were friggin amazing. She made the same for my birthday in february and she bettered herself. My lady really does have fantastic talent.

In other news, I had a gentleman from Asthma UK ring me to discuss fundraising ideas with him. Hes amazed at the challenge i have set myself despite my deterioration in health and has sent me all the paperwork to fil in to get started. Once all that has been sent back ill be setting up a justgiving page and im going to try my hardest to raise as much money as humanly possible. We really need to find a better treatment if not a cure for Asthma.

Ive also managed to knit another hat tonight so i have a grand total of 7 now. I fear it still may take me a along time as it really hurts my muscles and joints but i think once the task is complete im going to be so chuffed!!

Hopfully you guys would sponsor me!?

On a sad note today ive had two allergic reactions today and my skin has felt like it has literally been on fire all day. Ive been in agony. I really hope i figure out wjat an earth is causing all these reactions!!

TTFN

XXXX

Excitment Ahead

Ok so I cant actually contain it any longer...

Myself and my partner has as of today booked our wedding...we can legally call each other wifey and hersband as of 13th November 2014 at 1330 hours!!

I am so excited!!

I know on the other hand that shit will come of this as we are not inviting any guestes. We are literally having our two best friends as our witnesses and our one best friends little boy as a ring holder. Weve decided to do it this way though because A we actually cant afford a massive do and B partying and standing up infront of a mass load of people not only isnt our thing but it scares the crap out of me.

What we have decided to do though is book a little village hall at some point next year where we can have a gathering of all our family and friends and say new vows to each other. This of course being when we both have enough confidence and money.

The best thing about us getting married this November is that now, any children that we are going to have can legally have both of our names on threir birth certificate where as before they couldnt. So our children will literally and officially be ours.

Ok etxcitment over for now

TTFN

XXXX

Excitement!!!!!

Ill get the boring daily stuff out the way first, before I get through to the good stuff. Last night I had a nasty allergic reaction again, my face blew up, was swollen, red and rashy and this tracked down my neck, chest and arms. I had to take 4 antihistamines to get it under control. Thankfully it wirked else it would have been an epipen job!! Up nice and early again to be able to get Dixie around the feild and then get my other half to her new healthy wellbeing class. For us to do medication, physio, breakfast, and pet feeding we had to wake up at 6 and even then we left the house 5 minutes late. Hate that our mornings take so long. After I picked my lovely lady back up, we had arranged for our friend to come around with her little man. This was mainly so that I could give her, her CDs from the naming ceremony of her son a week saturday ago. We all had a slice of cake that she brought around and had a good old natter. I was a little gutted though because I couldnt have a cuddle with her little man because my muscles were so weak I couldnt stand or lift my arms so it would have been far to dangerous and unsafe. I was happy to pull faces and make silly noises to him though. Once our friend had left, we waited in anticipation to hear what she thought of my work. I was praying that she would like them. In the mean time though, we kept ourselves busy snuggled on the sofa watching frozen, which might I add is a blinking good film. At about 1930 tonight, I recieved a tad on my face book which was - "Just got the photo's back from my very talented friend Charlie from Charlie_Warlie Photography, twice now she's taken photo's for me, they are truly beautiful, capture the whole feeling of Tre's naming ceremony. I have laughed, smiled and even had a few weeps at the amazing images. Thank you so much Charlie, if you every need any recommendations I will sing it from roof tops!" I was both overwhelmed and overjoyed with this response. I always doubt that my work is as good as what people say it is, but I guess that people really do like it. Well that was my exciting news!! Untill tomorrow... TTFN XXXX

Reflection...

Today I have been up to Bridgwater with my other half to see my old respiratory consultant to make sure that my transition to my new local has gone smoothly and that things are semi remaining ok. I updated her with regards to my last admission and that it was again in ITU needing NIV. I also updated her with regards to my allergies, my myopathy, my manitol test and all else that I may have been told in the last 6 months. As usual, she was very pleasant, caring and helpful. She said that now having done the mannitol challenge test, it obviously helps with the confirmation of asthma, with the fact I dropped so low on my FEV1 so quickly by so much confirms that I am very sensitive and also brittle. We all knew this anyhow but o viously with it now being on baby, its hard evidence against those twats that just dont want to believe. My lung function today was pretty reasonable for my (managing to get 1.81 liters of air out my old sacs with the first few seconds) I say for me because in fact, my highest out put of litres of air in the first few seconds is only, 2.05 and my lowest being 1.12. I should aparently be around 4 - 5 litres but I guess we cant have everything hey. She did say that it could be this high because I am on increased steroids but obviously we would never be able to know this. I also got to meet up with my sister breifly, have a sneaky peak of the bump and I also got to see the 'baba' scan...and get a copy for myself...

Ok, so the meaning of this post 'reflection' is basically because with today being another lung appointment, another lung function and another lung discussion, it just shows me how precious my life is and how much I need to live it. Being re told again today that I do have uncontrolled severe brittle asthma really does hit home. It shows that can never be longer than an hour away from hospital as that could mean that day being my last. My consultant also mentioned how much happier I seem now with not living with mum and with being with my partner, and that everything she is doing for me really is helping me meaning im having less strain on my lungs. Although this again has really really scared me, I really do need to live each day as if its my last. This has also triggered my ptsd massively tonight because im scared ill never get to meet my sisters baby, let alone mine and my other halfs baby. On positive notes with regards to 'reflection' having seen my niece or nephew in the scan (im saying nephew) it just reminds me just how much I want to be a mummy, and yes I am disabled, spend lots of time in hospital and live nearly every day in my wheel chair, it doesnt mean our baby isnt going to be loved and less, and not only is our child going to have respect for same sex coues, but they will also have respect for a disabled person. I have a feeling this child will be a perfect citizen in society and I cant wait. Ok, so heres a bit if a battle of the thought tonight. Hope its not to jumbled, but sadly this is how my head is seeing it. Im off to bed now as im what the dictionary calls= exhausted c: TTFN XXXX

Maybe Some Progress!?

Thankfully, or shall I weirdly, our little puppy Dixie allowed us to sleep in untill 0900. Which was just what I needed after having the crapiest night sleep ever. Bouncing between coughing, flash backs and pain, my night was at the terrible end of the spectrum. I also woke up producing mass amounts of gunk, so it went straight in a sputumn pot and my inlaws were very kind to drop it in for me as they were heading past my doctors surgery. Fingers crossed that this may be the reasoning behind my lungs not being happy again. This moring was very chilled out, I put all three rabbits in the run for the day again, and made some home made Gnocchi, for mine and my other halfs tea, and it was blinking lush. Were using a lot of recipes from a book weve just purchased called 'A Girl Called Jack'. In this book the lady has made and adapted many different recipes to which are budget meals when living on £10 a week for food and they are also super healthy. I would definatly recommend it to anyone wanting cheap and healthy meals. Once my cooking session was over, I had to go to the doctors myself for 1440. I knew it was going to be a wasted appointment on my GPs side because it was following my conversation with an ass of a doctor last week, who wouldnt re prescribe my tablets because I was on so many. So in I walk to the GP (this one in oarticular us very good and I now wont see anyone else at the surgery). When I explained the situation on the phone and that im still getting the cramps, he said he would be more than happy to re prescribe me the drug again, and at a higher dose to see if it helps more. We also discussed the situation with my phosphate and that my local still gasnt responded to him as to whether or not there is a link to my asthma etc, do weve agreed that I will chase them up this week, and if they have a problem, I have to get them to ring this specific doctor and he will sort them out. We also discussed the fact my new antihistamines arnt working as effectively as I would like them because of the increase of reactions im having. We established that I am on triple the 'legal' dose, and if possible, leave it another few weeks to let my body ptoperly adjust and get use to the new drug, if not, then ill be changing over to one of the two alternatives to which I was given. In the mean time, my epi pens are not leaving my side. Just remembering, the twat of the doctor from the phone last week stated in my notes that I said GPs are a waste of time. I retold the nice doctor today that what I actually said was, I didnt want to be wasting GPs time coming all the way to the surgery when it can be dealt with over the phone. Shame it cant be removed from the system. Bonus though, todays visit was positive for me as I can restart my drugs, but a pain for the dictors as someone who is generally poorly and needs them, then couldnt have that much needed appointment. Im back off to Bridgwater tomorrow to see my old respiratory consultant and to also see my sister who is hopfully giving me a baby scan photo of her iggle piggle. So excited to see the real scan as the first was sent via picture message as we live ove 100 miles from each other. For now though, its film time with the HERsband and pup. TTFN XXXX

Days Like This Make Me Feel Lazy

So, last night I promised myself I will rest todays as I was just making myself beyond poorly, and thats exactly what I done, and I feel stupidly lazy with having done it, but its either rest up or land in hospital, I certainly know which sounds better. I filled my dad with reading mass loads of photography information to keep my mind active and keep me busy. My reasoning behind this is that I have started getting major flash backs again because if my severe PTSD. I figured that my best option would be to do something that would really challenge my mind rather than sitting infront of telly allowing my mind to wander. Granted it didnt help perfectly, but im pretty sure it could of been worse. My other half has been continuing her cake making ready for Saturday. I was sat out in the kitchen with her to keep glancing up to see her progress. It was lush to be able to just be us for the day. Made us bith really happy. My pops in law has also sorted my pc for me so I can properly crack down with my photography set up. Im so excited as although I am becoming more and more disabled each day, im not going to let it make me a complete vegetable. I just cant. On a random note, I keep driving my head insane. I keep thinking how lush it is going to be in a few weeks time if our test comes back positive and we know that our family is going to grow, and then I keep mentally twisting things about how rubbish a mummy im going to be because I cant run around or ride a bike and much more with any iggle piggles we may have. Am I being selfish. Am I setting myself up for failing. Will I mentally screw up our child!? I just dont know what to do. Im also pretty sure this stressing really isnt going to help. My PTSD is making life really hard again right now. I cant wait for this phase to go. For now though, im led snuggled with my lady watching 'Gravity' as it arrived in the post today. Excited!! TTFN XXXX

Lots As Usual!!

Time has literally flew by over the last 24 hours and ive really enjoyed it, even if it has killed my muscles. Yesterday, we had to clean out our three rabbits. With me being stuck in bed all week they havnt been cleaned out and had got very poopified. My other half cant do it on her own as shes not 100% with handling them yet where as ive had the one rabbit 5 years now so very much use to them. Other than that really, we just walked the pup around a pond whilst my other half had an appointment and then also walked her around the field a few hours later. After that, weve literally chilled all afternoon/evening and it was great. Today has pretty much been the same. Weve put all the rabbits in the run all day and we took the pup to the field. This time though with walking the pup, because as of today she can now go in fresh water, we took her in the stream at the bottom of the field and she was in her eliment. We didnt think she would go in very well, and initially our thoughts were correct (due to her falling in the pond at 7 weeks old) so my other half with her bright orange wellies, jumped in the stream and started splashing. Dixie was straight in. She was hilarious. She was copying my other half by splashing with her two front paws but then also trying to eat the water that was flying in the air. After this she started digging in the soft mud under the water and then was doing circuit's around us both, in the water, back to the field then back to the water. I really wish I had recorded it as we were in fits of laughter. She also learnt a new trick which was fetch and bring back. Were so proud of her as shes learnt so much for just 14 weeks old. Whilst out walking I saw a perfect composition in my head for a photo to enter into a competition so when we got Dixie home, we grabbed my camera, went back to the field and captured it. That photo has been submitted as of tonight so ill get the results in 3 weeks so fingures crossed. I also booked another mini break for myself and the other half for May time. Its another camping trip in Devon. It was a voucher on group on so I couldnt resist really. Got a fair few mini breaks coming up whichll give us something to look forward to. We also had our amazeballs moses basket/ rocker arrive today. It wasnt meant to get here untill next week so we were beaming when it arrived today. Its come all the way from America as they dont sell them in this country. Although we dont have a baby as of yet, I couldnt stop myself from buying it. We just have to store the thing now ha. TTFN XXXX

Battle Through

My intentions today were to continue in bed trying to fight off this flu, unfortunatly though, my other half had volunteering at lunch time and work up extremly worried and scared because she had never been on a Thursday and didnt know anyone (she sufferes from depression, anxiety and panic attacks). So I decided that I would take her in for 12, hang around town for an hour and then be right outside for her at one. If she needed me before hand then she could ring and I would be there in se onds. I figured this was the least I could do after how shes looked after me this week. Whilst in town, I found these amazing bright orange wellies, so I got them for my partner. Because of the weather, the feild by us as become very wet and muddy abd it was ruining her trainers so she said she wanted dog walking wellies...and low and behold, whilst charity shop shopping, these were staring right at me. When my other half saw them after she had finished volunteering her face was beaming at the sight of them. I think its safe to say I chose good. After all of this, we decided to go to our usual cafe and have a coffee date. We use to do this regularly before we got a little short in money so it was lush being able to do that again. Instead of going home to rest, I then decided we should take the pup for a walk around the feild (and of course to test these wellies ha). We didnt walk far, or shall I say I didnt. My other half though ran half way across the feild, we took her off the lead and we started calling her name between us both, so not only was she gettig a good run around but she was also learning her call back. Might I add she done blinking amazing. Finally we got home, and I collapsed on the sofa...literally. we figured it was ti.e for a well earnt dvd, so put on the woman in black...and within minutes I fell asleep...oops It has been a busy couple of hours throughout the day, and looking back now I have yet again pushed my self to far, but I guess I cant laze around all the time. We also purchased a little owl book today where we have started writing a journal for our process with the baby so that when they are older, they have something they can read to look back on their journey. Hope it works as well as what it does in our heads. for now though, crufts is calling TTFN XXXX

Finding Money And Finding My Smile

Forgetting I had a birthday a few weeks ago means I forgot I was given money. Ok granted I still cant put petrol in the car but I can buy something if I need...though have to "walk" there to get what I need. My inlaws were really kind this morning and took myself and my partner swimming today. We go every Friday and we really didnt want to stop just because we couldnt use my bank card.with trying to loose weight, we figured it was a mudt, if we give up now. We will give up altogether!! Along with this, they said that they had to go to the local town to pay their bills and said that they will pick up my drugs. I really couldnt thank them enough for their kindness today. We were both really pleased with our progress with swimming though. Again we were the only two people in the pool, and just had a nice casual swim. I hip is in agony now though which really isnt good, especially as we just decided to take the puppy around the feild- twice. Ive decided though that I need to keep moving. If I stay sat all the time because of the pain, itll just get worse ehich is going to get me nowhere. In exciting news today, I had post from the bank. Yay!! Wow I wish you could hear my sarcasm right now because, the bank sent out a bank card with my old name still on it. Would love to know why they did that considering I went there personally to change it. So again I had to ring the bank and adk them what they were playing at. According to this gentleman on the phone, he doesnt understand why my card has been blocked in the first place, it doesnt make sense. Not to me nor them it seems. Muppets. If it wasnt such a pain in the rear I would change my bank, but I really cant be bothered with all the hassel. Were supposed to be meeting up with really great friends tomorrow in Exeter because its one of their birthdays today. They have been a real big support to both myself and my partner and I couldnt thank them enough. The one lady use to be a learner support assisstant in my old secondary school, we had no contact again untill roughly 3-4 years later when we saw each other at gay pride in Bristol. Two which I then established she was also now dating a lady. They were also at the time going through the same process as myself and my partner with having a baby and they now have a very beautiful baby girl who is full of life and always smiling. I really cant wait to start the process with my partner. Ok itll present some challenges no doubt with both life and health, but when doesnt a baby present challenges. Im sure youll all be pleased to hear that we have continued with our healthy eating also and tonight our tea is going to be meatball pasta bake. Weve also made another healthy soup for the next week. All these exciting new food really are keeping us motivated. Ok do I think ill stop rambling now!! TTFN XXXX

Pain-Worse Than Ever

Today was they day for the hopefull sorting of the pain in my hip. Waking up at 4am was, well, a massive challenge, but we done it and managed to pull of the drive at exactly 5am as planned. Go timing I say. We arrived at the surgical day unit just in time, managed to just get a seat in the busy waiting area and I was called in. Intially on my own as I hadnt a bloody clue what the heck was going on. I had a HCA start filling out my paperwork, and she got to the pregnancy question. Asked me when my last peroid was to which I told her it was the first week of February. All was dandy, then said, we will have to do a pregnancy test. I said its not possible, im in a gay relationship and im on the pill. She was addiment I needed to do a pregnancy test. I was addiment I wasnt and decided to tell her, if another woman could make me pregnant, we would have the family we are longing for. That was the end of that subject. After, she left the bay so I decided that I was off to get my other half as I couldnt cope with stress or hassel. Once my partner was with me, we carried on filling in more paperwork. She asked my marital status, to which I told her I was cohabiting and this is my partner. She pondered over the question in her head a little, and then I see her writing single. I was even more pissed than before. We continued through the pre op paperwork. Once all this was done and she closed the book, I pointed at the marital status question and said, I told you I was cohabeting. So she asked, well what do you want me to right. I looked at my partner, then looked back at the HCA and said, im in a relationship. The HCA was not happy. I really dont think she likes same sex relationships one bit, and she treated me like a disgusting piece if meat. I was having none of it. Going back to the pre op form, there were other questions like, you can do house hold chores, manage stairs and walk 150 meters ok. She ticked yes for all. Thankfully I saw this again and had to correct her with the fact that actually I can do none of what she said I could. She also said I didnt have aneamia (ill just point out here, she assumed this and I saw the answer again-thankfully) because again I had to correct her that I am aneamic and infact on medication for this. When the theatre staff came to collect me, they asked if they could have some tape to cover up the piercings I couldnt take out. The good old *cough* HCA then decided to chirp up and say "she refused to take out her piercings" thankfully I had a good theatre team, as they arhued with her three times saying, shes not refusing she just cant, and all we are asking for is some tape and all is perfect. It was such hard work. As I was about to leave, my partner gave me a kiss and we said our goodbies...this ticked of the HCA to the limit, she was not impressed that we kissed. Fricking hell I wish I got her name as I would have reported her for being such a bitch about me being gay. After all of the above, we finally managed to get to theatre where I had a good old funny banter with my surgeon and the rest of the theatre staff, which amazingly helped me relax. The procedure hurt like a git, I felt everything and the pain of the fluid going into my hip socket was beyong horrid. Admittedly though, watching my x rays fly up to the screen as the procedure was taking place really was cool, but all in all, id rather not have the procedure done again thanks. I "jumped" onto my wheelchair and we went off to town to meet with my sister to get my birthday present, have a general catch ip, and have a sneaky peek of her ever growing bump. She is huge for 15 weeks. Its mentall. We also managed to get some baby bargains in primark and we also nipped into CEX and got two dvds for my chill out day tomorrow. We managed to get back...just!! I was in agony by the time we got home. Pain reif had worn off and I couldnt take any more as I naughtily had to drive home. I think the driving pushed me over the edge though. Ive bern in bed since I got home, and can barely move, and thats with being dosed up on morphine. Thankfully though, our little puppy (although has aparently been a little shit all day) put a smile straight on my face and gave me beautiful snuggles all evening...and even managed to throw in a few sneaky peak flow tests lol. Ive added a few pictures, im sure you can work out which is which. For now though, im off to get some shut eye in the hope ill blovk out the pain. TTFN XXXX

Feeling Low!!

I had a bit of a high moment around lunch time when I was printing two certificates that ive achieved for my photography and I was also ironing on transfers to baby grows ive decided to pimp for my sisters baby, but thats been it really for today. When I woke up first thing, I really didnt want to get out of bed. I woke with yet another migrane and mentally I just felt shit...literally. About 10am came and I figured I should actually get on with the day. Once all the exciting printing and ironing was done, I was yet again left on the sofa. This is lethal for me. It gives my mind far to much time to be able to think of things. I dont think it helps with the fact ive had to wack up my steroids because my peak flow had plummeted. But when ever my steroids are played about with, it makes my head and thoughts that little bit worse. Im also crapping myself about the procedure im having on Tuesday in hospital. Some people may say ah its only a needle in your hip joint. But 95% of people having this procedure will be knocked out for it, im not allowed this because my lungs decide they no longer want to work during this time, so I gave to stay wide awake. Im going to see if I can have gas and air atleat as I really dont think im going to be able to cope with the pain otherwise. Fingers crossed my head starts sorting itself out pretty soon as internally its starting to stress me out, and I really dont want to take it out on the other half. Only time will tell!! TTFN XXXX