Finding Money And Finding My Smile

Forgetting I had a birthday a few weeks ago means I forgot I was given money. Ok granted I still cant put petrol in the car but I can buy something if I need...though have to "walk" there to get what I need. My inlaws were really kind this morning and took myself and my partner swimming today. We go every Friday and we really didnt want to stop just because we couldnt use my bank card.with trying to loose weight, we figured it was a mudt, if we give up now. We will give up altogether!! Along with this, they said that they had to go to the local town to pay their bills and said that they will pick up my drugs. I really couldnt thank them enough for their kindness today. We were both really pleased with our progress with swimming though. Again we were the only two people in the pool, and just had a nice casual swim. I hip is in agony now though which really isnt good, especially as we just decided to take the puppy around the feild- twice. Ive decided though that I need to keep moving. If I stay sat all the time because of the pain, itll just get worse ehich is going to get me nowhere. In exciting news today, I had post from the bank. Yay!! Wow I wish you could hear my sarcasm right now because, the bank sent out a bank card with my old name still on it. Would love to know why they did that considering I went there personally to change it. So again I had to ring the bank and adk them what they were playing at. According to this gentleman on the phone, he doesnt understand why my card has been blocked in the first place, it doesnt make sense. Not to me nor them it seems. Muppets. If it wasnt such a pain in the rear I would change my bank, but I really cant be bothered with all the hassel. Were supposed to be meeting up with really great friends tomorrow in Exeter because its one of their birthdays today. They have been a real big support to both myself and my partner and I couldnt thank them enough. The one lady use to be a learner support assisstant in my old secondary school, we had no contact again untill roughly 3-4 years later when we saw each other at gay pride in Bristol. Two which I then established she was also now dating a lady. They were also at the time going through the same process as myself and my partner with having a baby and they now have a very beautiful baby girl who is full of life and always smiling. I really cant wait to start the process with my partner. Ok itll present some challenges no doubt with both life and health, but when doesnt a baby present challenges. Im sure youll all be pleased to hear that we have continued with our healthy eating also and tonight our tea is going to be meatball pasta bake. Weve also made another healthy soup for the next week. All these exciting new food really are keeping us motivated. Ok do I think ill stop rambling now!! TTFN XXXX

My Lovely Events

Today hasnt been the most of exciting days at all if im honest. Ive had rather a lot of pain and literally just cant get comfy, ive been led down, sat up, walking around and in any other position that is possible to try. My other half has been decorating her many cakes to which is going to finalised into one big cake in the end. Its for our friends naming ceremony in a few weeks time. She is so excited and it looks amazing considering shes never done anything like this at all. Ok shes done many of cakes, but not done anything to this level before. Im so proud of her!! I on the other hand has been reading more photography stuff and hunting for a perfect place for sunday to go take this perfect photo for my next competition. So far. The four ive entered have got me silver awards which I never in a million years thought id achieve. Once all our daily hobbies were done, we took our puppy to the field which is literally a house away. She absolutly loved it and couldnt get enough of it, and luckily for us, shes slept since shes got back. I on the other hand is in more pain than before. Because of it being soggy grass, I couldnt go in my wheelchair, so went with my crutches, but it still left me off worse, so have been in bed since. Myself and my partner are still continuing our healthy eating diet in the hope to keep loosing more weight. Our meal tonight was blinking scrummy. It was a sausage omelette with pan warmed pepper slices. Was blinking amazing, ive never trialed with so many different food and flavours before and its really getting me stuck in. Fingers crossed for weigh day on monday. In other news, last night at 8pm, I found out that my bank card had been blocked. So I had to ring the bank and was told that because ive changed my last name, I now cant access funds untill I get my new card. That or go to my local branch with photographic ID and draw out cash over the counter thing. They couldnt understand the whole no ID as ive changed my name and that has also been sent away. They also couldnt u derstand that my nearest branch is over 30 miles away and dont have enough petrol to get there and cant get petrol as cant use my card. They have also left us screwed food wise. We were meant to go shopping tomorrow after ive picked up my prescription as we have no food and my drugs run out tomoorow. We now cant do any of that. I really kicked off with the bank and they said id have the manager ring me back within the whole...11 hours later and im still waiting for that phone call. As a result, last night I sent an email to the bank destressing how much I need my money, they responded which is great, but they said, they were putting my complaint through the right team, and not actually dealing with the need of my money by tomorrow, so I replied in a very stern manner. I am awaiting their result. Dont think im going to get money by tomorrow though which really isnt helpful. Well, theres my non exciting day. TTFN XXXX

Chirpy, Smiling and Goodness atlast!!

Well, im not going to say everything as im not about to give the whole thing away, just incase it gets out to the wrong people as its all a big secret to EVERONE ha. So...this news thats made my day is that myself and my partner have found a sperm donor, and we are meeting up with them in a few weeks time. Weve been chatting to each other on this special website that links both sides and parties together and last week we exchanged emails and been happily chatting through there also. He seems like a very nice gentleman, and has said that he will sign a contract when we meet to say he signs over all his legal right to myself and my partner which we are also over the moon with. Not only all of the above, but he has said he doesnt want any moey, just travel expenses if he has to come to us at all, but at present, we will be visiting his end of town so no money is needed to go his way. Considering IUI or IVF in a clinic was meant to be around £3000 this is a lot cheaper and aot more comforting being able to do the deed in the comfort of our own home and not in a sterile clinic with every man and his dog exploring your vegetable patch. Fingers crossed, this time next year, myself and my partner will be mummies, and our family will start expanding. Excitment does explain it enough. TTFN XXXX

Pain-Worse Than Ever

Today was they day for the hopefull sorting of the pain in my hip. Waking up at 4am was, well, a massive challenge, but we done it and managed to pull of the drive at exactly 5am as planned. Go timing I say. We arrived at the surgical day unit just in time, managed to just get a seat in the busy waiting area and I was called in. Intially on my own as I hadnt a bloody clue what the heck was going on. I had a HCA start filling out my paperwork, and she got to the pregnancy question. Asked me when my last peroid was to which I told her it was the first week of February. All was dandy, then said, we will have to do a pregnancy test. I said its not possible, im in a gay relationship and im on the pill. She was addiment I needed to do a pregnancy test. I was addiment I wasnt and decided to tell her, if another woman could make me pregnant, we would have the family we are longing for. That was the end of that subject. After, she left the bay so I decided that I was off to get my other half as I couldnt cope with stress or hassel. Once my partner was with me, we carried on filling in more paperwork. She asked my marital status, to which I told her I was cohabiting and this is my partner. She pondered over the question in her head a little, and then I see her writing single. I was even more pissed than before. We continued through the pre op paperwork. Once all this was done and she closed the book, I pointed at the marital status question and said, I told you I was cohabeting. So she asked, well what do you want me to right. I looked at my partner, then looked back at the HCA and said, im in a relationship. The HCA was not happy. I really dont think she likes same sex relationships one bit, and she treated me like a disgusting piece if meat. I was having none of it. Going back to the pre op form, there were other questions like, you can do house hold chores, manage stairs and walk 150 meters ok. She ticked yes for all. Thankfully I saw this again and had to correct her with the fact that actually I can do none of what she said I could. She also said I didnt have aneamia (ill just point out here, she assumed this and I saw the answer again-thankfully) because again I had to correct her that I am aneamic and infact on medication for this. When the theatre staff came to collect me, they asked if they could have some tape to cover up the piercings I couldnt take out. The good old *cough* HCA then decided to chirp up and say "she refused to take out her piercings" thankfully I had a good theatre team, as they arhued with her three times saying, shes not refusing she just cant, and all we are asking for is some tape and all is perfect. It was such hard work. As I was about to leave, my partner gave me a kiss and we said our goodbies...this ticked of the HCA to the limit, she was not impressed that we kissed. Fricking hell I wish I got her name as I would have reported her for being such a bitch about me being gay. After all of the above, we finally managed to get to theatre where I had a good old funny banter with my surgeon and the rest of the theatre staff, which amazingly helped me relax. The procedure hurt like a git, I felt everything and the pain of the fluid going into my hip socket was beyong horrid. Admittedly though, watching my x rays fly up to the screen as the procedure was taking place really was cool, but all in all, id rather not have the procedure done again thanks. I "jumped" onto my wheelchair and we went off to town to meet with my sister to get my birthday present, have a general catch ip, and have a sneaky peek of her ever growing bump. She is huge for 15 weeks. Its mentall. We also managed to get some baby bargains in primark and we also nipped into CEX and got two dvds for my chill out day tomorrow. We managed to get back...just!! I was in agony by the time we got home. Pain reif had worn off and I couldnt take any more as I naughtily had to drive home. I think the driving pushed me over the edge though. Ive bern in bed since I got home, and can barely move, and thats with being dosed up on morphine. Thankfully though, our little puppy (although has aparently been a little shit all day) put a smile straight on my face and gave me beautiful snuggles all evening...and even managed to throw in a few sneaky peak flow tests lol. Ive added a few pictures, im sure you can work out which is which. For now though, im off to get some shut eye in the hope ill blovk out the pain. TTFN XXXX

New Achievements!!

What an early start it was this morning, one I wasnt wanting one bit, sadly though it had to be done because my other half had a hospital appointment which I was taking her to. Nothing major, just the tightening if her braces, the adding of two more blocks and the adding of a thicker wire all in preperation for her surgery towards the end of the year. I also had a doctors appointment this afternoon because im still worried about my low phostphate level. Im pretty sure something should be being done about it. Thankfully I pre book this appointment a week ago to guarantee it bein with the doctore I get on with. Whilst with him, he dictated a letter to my new local cons asking for his support re my phosphate just to see if there was a link between that dropping and my asthma. He also told me he has wrote on my behalf to the ambulance service so that the next time I have an attack, they dont sit and play. He also gave me a letter from my new cons explaining I had a pisitive test to the mannitol challenge I done a few weeks back, also that he wants me to start a different pill in the hope it may help my asthma...to which my gp at first was confused as in his words "he thought I was in a gay relationship" lol, I had to explain a little bless. All in all im pleased though I also lost another 3lb in weight this week, which gi es a grand total of 8 and 3/4 lb this year altogether. I know its coming off slowly, but im pleased with that, ive not gain any weight at all this year and the slower it comes of the higher chance of it stating off. Right!? Me and my other half also took our little puppy Dixie for a walk down the camel trail today. It was her first time down there where she was allowed to walk and we had her on the stretchy lead so that she could wander where she liked. She absolutly loved it. When she got tired though, she made us chuckle because she just sat there and looked back the way we came. Such a little character she is. Im off for my hip procedure tomorrow so you may not hear from me. Wish me luck!! TTFN XXXX

Photography!!

Its that time again to bug you all. Im trying to get my photography known to many people, but its a slow progress at the moment. Some photos ive not put on my facebook page as they are of babies, and although the photos are stunning, I dont trust the world enough to not have them nicked or used inappropriately. But I still have a huge amount of other stunning photos on my page. All of which can be made into cards and postcards at a small price. This is all in place to help me build up my equipment and get my little business set up official. First I need your support. My facebook page is: https://www.facebook.com/CharlieWarliePhotography?ref=hl Please take a look, like my page and share it amongst your friend. TTFN XXXX

Feeling Low!!

I had a bit of a high moment around lunch time when I was printing two certificates that ive achieved for my photography and I was also ironing on transfers to baby grows ive decided to pimp for my sisters baby, but thats been it really for today. When I woke up first thing, I really didnt want to get out of bed. I woke with yet another migrane and mentally I just felt shit...literally. About 10am came and I figured I should actually get on with the day. Once all the exciting printing and ironing was done, I was yet again left on the sofa. This is lethal for me. It gives my mind far to much time to be able to think of things. I dont think it helps with the fact ive had to wack up my steroids because my peak flow had plummeted. But when ever my steroids are played about with, it makes my head and thoughts that little bit worse. Im also crapping myself about the procedure im having on Tuesday in hospital. Some people may say ah its only a needle in your hip joint. But 95% of people having this procedure will be knocked out for it, im not allowed this because my lungs decide they no longer want to work during this time, so I gave to stay wide awake. Im going to see if I can have gas and air atleat as I really dont think im going to be able to cope with the pain otherwise. Fingers crossed my head starts sorting itself out pretty soon as internally its starting to stress me out, and I really dont want to take it out on the other half. Only time will tell!! TTFN XXXX

Vets, Pain and Feeling sad.

This morning was a blinking early start but sadly it had to be done. Our little girlie Dixie had to go to vets for her third lot of injections and also to be micro chipped. I was already worried about the pain it would cause her because of when I went with mum when she had a puppy. My partners mum went in with the nurse first and came out as if nothing happened so I guessed it may not be as bad now a days. In we both go with our pooch being optimistic about it all. First up was the injection, the needle itself didnt actually hurt her but the fluid did when it was going in. She wimpered and shuffled across the table to us both. We just looked at each other feeling helpless. Next up was the microchip. Looking at the needle, to me it just looked like an average size needle that I get stuck in me when I go into hospital. Again, the needle didnt hurt Dixie, but when they slid in the chip she yelled...and everyone in the pets at home store heard her aswell. We both looked at each other again, gave her lots if hugs and attention, and gave her the treat we braught with us. She bled a lot, which we are also super suprised by. The good thing is, that she does need any more needles being stabbed into her untill next year, and as of today she is now allowed on walks in the public. We are excited about going to the beach, this is great as shes a huge digger so will be right in her element and also gets to go in the sea. After our big ordeal at the vets, we decided that taking her for a walk this affternoon would be to much, so we settled down and watched a film. Myself and the other half snuggled on the sofa like the goid old days, these moments remind me just how much I love her. On the other hand, there are still massive issue with her mum and her attitude. She always has to be right, even though shes blatently wrong. She is insiting on cooking first every meal time which is also pissing us off. I change my nebs to 1730 because she would always cook from around 1800 -1830. Which generally meant we were having to eat stupidly late which wasnt helping our weightloss. But low and behold, the minute we change our arrangements, she changes hers, uses every pan we were going to use and then doesnt clean it up, so we are delayed even more. Like tonight, she cooked, then we had to, and whilst we were finishing off, she barged into the kitchen and started doing her pudding. Bearing in mind, the kitchen is bloody tiny and theres no room to swing a cat, let alone have three peaople cooking whilst also juggling 2 puppies. She then gets pissy at my other half about simple things like not scratching her mums bad on demand and also not looking after her pup whilst she has her pudding...even though weve not even started our tea. Everything else in life is plodding on...but bloody hell, her mum is doing my freaking head in, and I fear the stress may actually make it extremely hard for us to get pregnant. Oh well, only time will tell. TTFN XXXX

Money, Money, Money

Everything lately involves money. Earlier this month, we found out that we have infact been paid £200 less each month from the job centre than what we thought as they failed to inform us. We had been wondering why each month we seemed to be dipping into my DLA payout from last February. And now we know why. The pain in the ass thing about this is that not only has christmas just passed, but it was also my birthday, plus valentines day, plus a years anniversary from me and my partner having been engaged. We also had to change over my car insurance which cost extra for the initial payment, plus we had double pet insurance for it being the initial payment, then Dixie became poorly and we had to rush her to the vets, and we also had to go to Birmingham twice for my appointments. Ontop of all this, because I am struggling each month, im cancelling my storage unit and selling everything thats in it. Last year to drop my unit it cost £25, now they want to take £120. I told them the reason im cancelling my storage is because I dont have the mo thly £53 let alone the amount they want today. They werent impressed so have given me till the 7th March to pay it off. It is literally all about money. Everyone wants it when we dont have it. Thankfully I have been a little OCD with saving because me and my partner desperately want a baby, so now we have needed to start dipping into this. Were not best pleased, but what else can we do!? The government dont want to help us, and the bills need to be paid. More stress to add to what we have. TTFN XXXX

Ways To Cope

After seeing the psychologist in Birmingham at the beginning of February, she told me a few things to try and do whilst the referal is made to my local team for more regular help and closer monitoring. One of those tasks were to draw what goes on in my head and some how make it into something funny or to write meaning full words/sentences to show the positive side of things for having survived. So far I have done 5 pictures. Its taking me a little while because im finding that as im drawing them, im getting a lot of flash backs and its making me really sad. Along with this, I also dont want my partners parents knowing everything about me as I dont want them sticking their two pennies worth into it. When it comes to this mental health stuff, I want the help of a professional and only them. Here are the pictures ive drawn so far!! TTFN XXXX

Dentist Disapointment

I final managed to get to a NHS dentist after 4 months of being on the waiting list. Horray...or not so it seems. When they rang me to tell of the surgery that will have me, I rexplained that I am disabled and not very good on stairs, they said this was ok and sent me the details to make an appointment. The only perfect thing about this surgery is that it is very local. The rest goes down hill. To get into my surgery you have to go up two flights of stairs (er what happened to disabled friendly). My actual dentist funnily enough has ubber bad breath which is really off putting when your led there breathing through your nose sucking in his aroma and the last bad thing is. The dentist doesnt seem to have heard about asthma, strange one I thought. As suspected though, it was about time for my steroids and nebisers to start effecting my teeth, and in two weeks I now need to have treatment. Im really not looking forward to it as the last NHS dentist I saw in Bristol butchered my mouth and has put me iff ever since. On good notes though, my oral hygiene is good!! Ill let you know how it goes in two weeks!! TTFN XXXX

Becoming Aware

Today I received my indepth letter from the Birmingham psychologist after my appointment with her on the 5th of February. To an outside person or sombody medical like my local consultant or my potential new local psychologist this is one fantastic letter, but for me, it just hits home for how "poorly" my mind actually is. She startes that I have moderatly high post traumatic stress which is both on intrusions and avoidance and my scoring on one of the tests I had to do on the day was 59. Aparently the cut off period for the score is 33 so mine is pretty bad concidering. I still find it hard to know that there is something wrong and that if I hadnt of left it so long and tried fighting it myself then it potentially wouldnt have got tjis baf. I guess we learn from our mistakes hey!! I have tried doing some of the techniques that the psychologist taught me to do. Ive currently now drawn three pictures which are the nightmares Im getting made humorous. Ive also been doing a meditation technique called leaves on a stream. Ive had to hold back a little though because it has been getting really intense and really scaring me, making me want to cry all the time. It is also making me feel even more vunerable, and im trying my best to not let the other half see this. I dont want her to worry. I will of course let her read the three page letter if she likes, but if she wants to talk about it, itll have to ve later when her parents arnt around as I dont want them getting involved in my life. Yes they are technically now my family, but not directly, and I dont want everyone knowing my business. I am very much a private person and physically talking to people is hard. I never like the responses I get, they are either sad, cry worthy of negetive or on the other had, they are those annoying positive results which yes in reality would be good, but unless your living that particular life you will never know how hard it actually is!! Admittedly it is all starting to hit home and I am ready to break down but I dont want to make everyo.e else sad. Maybe I should start think about myself once in a while...if only it was that easy hey. Well I think that was a complete and utter bit of randomness and I bet half if it doesnt make sense...well welcome to my head ha. TTFN XXXX

Better Week Than Last

This week has been a little all over the place, on Monday I had to go and have bloods take as my phosphate keeps dropping for no particular reason, and when I rang up for the results today it seems that it has drooped again. We now have to wait as see for how this can be treated. My other galf also started a volunteering post at Bernados children charity which she is going to be doing every Monday. Im so pleased that she has found the courage to do something like this as it gives her a sense of purpose whilst also allowing her to make new friends. Once I had picked her up, I suprised her with a little picnic and our pup and we went and had a "naughty hot chocolate" at a local woods. Tuesday was my birthday. Admittedly I wasnt looking forward to it at all as for the past ten years since my nan died on my thirteenth birthday they have always been crap or domething bad has happened. This year though was suprisinglt alright. Me and the lady went and had a costa drink at lunch time and then in the evening we had a table booked at pizza hut. This was chosen as the lady has never ever been to pizza hut, or any pizza place infact and I absolutly love the cookie dough pudding. I also had lots of mini ice cream cone birthday cakes made for me which were absolutly scrummy. Wednesday was a dvd day. The weather was so bad that it was to dangerous for us to go anywhere. We also had to bring the rabbits indoors because they had been blown over. I realy though that our grampher rabbit Spice would have died through trauma just because of his age but thankfully all is great. Yesterday was a special day for me and my girlfriend as it was this time last year that we done a sponsored walk for asthma uk and in the evening she had proposed to me. So we have now been engaged for a year. My other half wanted to make it all special for me so cooked heart shaped pancakes for breakfast and then in the afternoon she cooked a three course meal to which I have to say was bloody lush. Its valentines day to day and yet again the weather is shocking. We gave each other presents this morning. I got some choc a block rocky rock hot chocolate, a bracelet and a genie lap to make my three biggest wishes come true and I gave my lady two chocolate roses and a photo book of our last year together. We also decided to go swimming to burn off all the rubbish weve eaten this week as we want to continue our weightloss. This afternoon though we have a challenge on our hands as for the first time we are going to be puttingvour two baby rabbits Norbert and Gizmo in the same hutch. They have been in the run together plenty of times but never in the same hutch. Wish us luck TTFN XXXX

Wish Things Would Change!!

A year and a half ago, or there abouts, I had decided enough was enough with my asthma and treatment that I got refered to a specialist in Birmingham who for everyone else had done wonders for. I built my hopes up and kept thinking of how perfect my life is going to be once he sorts my lungs out. Yes granted he diagnosed me with brittle asthma, proved I didnt have VCD and also found I had severe reflux to the point if needing surgeryc to which he then arranged. This is all fantastic. For last Wednesdays appointment, we had been having email discussions for potentially future treatment, so I couldnt wait... I had four appointments booked for that whole day, the first being with the psycologist. She was absolutly lovely, diagnosed me with having PTSD and said that I need to be seen weekly for having specific treatment, so geres bomb shell number one: because I live in Cornwall she didnt think it was appropriate that I drove to Birmingham weekly to have this treatment so shes writing to my local team to see if they will help, and I have to pray like mad that I get on as well with the next team. Following this I was meant to have a reversability test, this never happened as the technician was flapping about the time and that she was running late. Er yeah, not my fauly lovey!! After this I was then to see my consultant, admittedly I was excited at the prospect of having new treatment and the possibility my life could change...I couldnt have been more wrong, and here's where my second bomb shell of the week hit. I have been told that my lungs are to damaged and that I am too poorly and uncontrolled for them to do any more for me. Because of what I just mentioned, I am not allowed onto any clinical trial because it would put my life at risk and potentially kill me so I have to stay on all my current medication and pray that in the very near future, a wonder drug gets invented and becomes perfect for me. Untill then, my consultant has said that I will now slowly deteriorate both lungs and muscles wise. Im devestated!! My last appointment was physio, and y this point I just wanted to leave, I couldnt be bothered now, I want my bed, I wanted to cry, and most of all I wanted to be left alone. Following all this, we also had planned that two days later myself and my partner were going to a clinic. In Cardiff to start a family...and heres where the final bombshell hit us. They would not help us gain this dream because im on long term steroids and they would also worry about the pressure on my lungs carrying a child, and they wont let my partner carry a child because her BMI is slightly to high. It sucks, if we werent a same sex couple we could naturally have our own child, no matter what tablets I was in nor what any of our weight was like. I find it unfair that anyone can deny you of a child for these reasons. We have come back home now and we are back with our very scatty Dixie, but my head is still very much depressed and my flash backs have rocketted. I hope things sort out soon. Its just bollocks that for the 10th year in a row, my birthday has yet again been ruined!! TTFN XXXX