Still fighting On

Not sure if you can remember from my last blog but a lot has been happening since i have been admitted to the Mental Health unit.

Ive finally managed to drop my twat of a consultant and have one who actually give a flying feck abd has actually got the ball rolling on things

2 weeks ago he started me on a medication callee sertraline. Sadly after 2 doses i had to stop as  it really messaed my heart up. I have though been put on another mesication called matazapien! (Sorry about spelling,dyslexia sucks). At the beginning it was great, really noticed a difference in my sleep pattern in particular but annoyingly its no longer happening. Thankfully ive a ward round tomorrow and i can see what else can be done.

Whilst ive been in hospital, which has been since 30th January, ive felt beywond suicidal and sadly attepted to take my own life. To which i was extremly close o  all 6 occasion.

Thankfully though although i still dont want to live im not actually trying to take my life any more. So i guess theres a slight increase in my mood.

Things r getting tough though and my restraint for not self harming is getting redoculously hard but i have to keep remind myself to stop. Not just for me but because my nephews chrestening on may 10th and i need to b off line od sight before i can go anywhere. I also need to get leave from the ward off the doctor because annoying, through the lack of doctoriness from the previous ass. It was too risky to keep me informal.

I really hope that things will start changing soon.

Sorry its a short update but im starting to feel a little shit just writing this. Fingers cross a few more weeks and ill be reborn.

Hope your all well

TTFN

XXXX

A Positive End To The Week

Im starting off with Tuesday because its quick and breif and doesnt really match the title. As you know, we have now been without our princess Dixie for five weeks and its making us beyond sad. For one we really wanted her at our wedding next Thursday that it would be a miracle to have had her back. So instead, I had found on of the top tattoo studies in England and pleaded with them with our story and the managed to have a cancellation on Tuesday and we got it. I can now say that both me and the other half are the proud owners of a new tattoo and it freaking killed. We have it in the same spot, on our left hand side on our ribs parallel to our hearts. Its a unique tattoo that noone else will ever have because its Dixies name and her exact paw print. I bruised mega bad and it is still heali g but here is a picture 3 hours after we had it do.

Wednesday we were super lazy and couldnt be bothered yo do anything majorly important so chilled and watched tv,oh and my friend set me a challenge to knit her son some mittens, and I gave to admit, these too are amazing.

On Thursday I drove us both up to my mums to have a pre wedding hen meal type thingy. We also picked up my sister along the way and of course my ickle nephew who has and is growing up far to fast. Of course I had lots and lots of cuddles and cant wait to see him again next week for the wedding. I really loved being with the three main ladies of my life. Our relationships are getting far better and we literally get on amazingly. I couldnt wish for a better family. To top of the day, to be even more amazing, my sister asked if I would be my bephews hod mummy, to which of course I said yes. Wasnt refusing that task. Today was the day for the council lady to come around because our temporary flat has started to grow mould. We all know irs down to a build up of condensation but sadly this shit of a flat has night storage heaters so it will alwas have these issues. I have purchased today an electric heater to see if itll help keep our electric down but also hrlp us out. We also learnt today that the council has yet again failed us. Our homeless officer rang the department and learnt that despite having higher rate dla, I hadnt been flagged up as an even more urgent priority for having a fit, safe and stable home. Thankfully this has now been done and should help us move quicker. Bloody hope its soon. Five days till the wedding aahh TTFN XXXX

Mixed

Now that ive got internet back for a little while and can catch up on lifes happenigs over the last 5 days i figured i would update u all.

On Saturday, our friends came over to help mover our rabbits and their homes over to the new flat. First stop tho was lidl as we needed a much. After all this i was so tired i could barely do anything so my job was to look after their son. Figured it was good enough and not to intense as i was beyond tired.

On sunday we had a very early start. This was the day we sadly had to say goodbye to Dixie as she was off ot her foster mum. To whom is absolutly lovely and has kept us updated daily. Sadly dixie has cired on the evenings and her foster mum aparently went and slept on the sofa with her. Feel so bad for her having to do that.

Amongst this on Sunday, we went via my sister to have snuggles with the nephew and to give him hes halloween outfit and also went via mums for a roast mmmm good stuff.

We had to go to the old house on sunday evening when we finally got back to cornwall to fill the last few bits of or kit and take them over to the flat. I think we got to sleep at 1am and had to be up by 730 as we had to go via the house on the way to my hospital appointment.

My appointment was with regards to the lump in my mouth. Aparently it is very similar to the one i had on my lip last christmas but much bigger. For healthy people they would be out under a general and have the whole gland taken out but because i stop breathing with generals hes going to try a different version. He is putting local in my mouth and taking off the top layer of my lump in the hope itll cause it to stop growing and even shrink. This is happening on the 22nd of this month. sadly though if this doesnt work ive no choice but to be put under.

With regards to the council we have finally been put up to a band be as they have decied weare and urgent priority to needing a home. Perfect

For now though we are settled in the flat and a lot happier than we were in the house.

im offski now though ready for pride of britain.

TTFN

XXXX

Wowzers

What a few days it has been.

As youve guess it, the stress we had a few weeks ago through my other halfs parents has started back up again.

As of yesterday the was now moaning that we took OUR coffee upstairs. Yup you got it, it wasnt even their yet theyve gotten arsey over it, so kicked off.

Today we pop out to get Dixies flea abd worm treatment, we litterally step one foot through the door and we are bombarded with the fact that they have found a bungalow on cornwall housing, they went and viewed it today and have applied for it, so we could be moving in 2 weeks time.
Yay great, they get a lovely home to live in,we on the other hand become homless.

What the fuck are we going to do.

Why are they doing this to us, all along theyve said we will move first and them after to ensure no one is without a home. Then they go and do this to us.

So i distract myself from all of this and start preparing our dinner. I can only do the non dangerous prep as i cant risk doing any more. Ive hurt myself far to many times...but wait, even doing our dinner was wrong. They wanted to use the appliances we were using...yet theyve been sat on their arse doing nothing and the minute we start cooking we are now in their way. But, this isnt all, we are then being dictated to for how this meal should be cooked. Bareing in mind,theyve never cooked it and me hve the recipe book in front of us to which we are following.

I literally cant wait to get the hell out of here.

On a good note though, me.and my.other half are off to bristol for the next 3 days as we are seeing shrek in theatre. We are also flying by my sisters to have squigy cuddles with our nephew. Cute!!

TTFN

XXXX

Annoyance Yet Happified

Random title dont you think!? Well all is about to be explained...

Ive not blogged in a little while because ive been struggling to get my head around a few things and ive done my usual trick. Ive bottled it all up.

Continuing from my crappy chest,  it turns out from my stutum results i have a fungus infection. Im going to send another sample tomorrow to see what the exact treatment can be as i dont want any old tablet chucked my way.

On Thursday, my sister got taken to the maternity section of hospital because she hadnt felt her baby move in atleast a day. Whilst there they decided to do a sweep and had said if labor hadnt started by the Friday they would have to induce. Guess what, it hadnt started. At 1030am she got give the pessary to start off her contractions. By 2pm she was already 2cm dialated and by 5pm she was 7cm. The midwife called the delivery unit to get hee moved over, and by the time she got round there she was fully dialated but got told she had to wait to hold off pushing as they hadnt nothing ready for her. Sadly she had to be cut and needed stitches after the delivery, but thankfully she delivered a very healthy little boy named Zak and he weight 8lb 7oz the little chubster. As you can imagine ive spent a small fortune on the little dude. We already gave a small box to my sister in july which cost around £30 in clothes and my and my girlfriend have filled another box of which in total there are 46 presents but half of that are wrapped with multiple items. We also got Zaks brother and sister from a previous partnership a present and card as we didnt want them to feel left out and start getting jealous. Well, we are off to met the little man tomorrow and im uber excited.

In other news...more has kicked off woth regards to my other halfs parents.

My girlfriend had made another cake for a client over the weekend and we took some pictures for her page. This resulted in us turning on the pc which it hasnt been on since the 27th july which was when i last used it.

When my other half switch it on, the start up screen had been changed and the name of the user had been ultered...which has meant that my other halfs parents have been in our room and snooped through our stuff whilst we havnt been here. Im fuming as theyve no right to be in our room whith out asking and they certainly have no right to be on my pc. Theres nothing on there for them and its not even their daughters.

I know it might seem pathetic, but because we are at my sisters all tomorrow, i am going to be sticking a small piece of cellotape to the top right side of the door tomorrow and ill know then if theyve been in our room. Like ive said, tomorrow they have no need to be in here.

So, like my title says, its a tale of two stories.

TTFN

XXXX

Reflection...

Today I have been up to Bridgwater with my other half to see my old respiratory consultant to make sure that my transition to my new local has gone smoothly and that things are semi remaining ok. I updated her with regards to my last admission and that it was again in ITU needing NIV. I also updated her with regards to my allergies, my myopathy, my manitol test and all else that I may have been told in the last 6 months. As usual, she was very pleasant, caring and helpful. She said that now having done the mannitol challenge test, it obviously helps with the confirmation of asthma, with the fact I dropped so low on my FEV1 so quickly by so much confirms that I am very sensitive and also brittle. We all knew this anyhow but o viously with it now being on baby, its hard evidence against those twats that just dont want to believe. My lung function today was pretty reasonable for my (managing to get 1.81 liters of air out my old sacs with the first few seconds) I say for me because in fact, my highest out put of litres of air in the first few seconds is only, 2.05 and my lowest being 1.12. I should aparently be around 4 - 5 litres but I guess we cant have everything hey. She did say that it could be this high because I am on increased steroids but obviously we would never be able to know this. I also got to meet up with my sister breifly, have a sneaky peak of the bump and I also got to see the 'baba' scan...and get a copy for myself...

Ok, so the meaning of this post 'reflection' is basically because with today being another lung appointment, another lung function and another lung discussion, it just shows me how precious my life is and how much I need to live it. Being re told again today that I do have uncontrolled severe brittle asthma really does hit home. It shows that can never be longer than an hour away from hospital as that could mean that day being my last. My consultant also mentioned how much happier I seem now with not living with mum and with being with my partner, and that everything she is doing for me really is helping me meaning im having less strain on my lungs. Although this again has really really scared me, I really do need to live each day as if its my last. This has also triggered my ptsd massively tonight because im scared ill never get to meet my sisters baby, let alone mine and my other halfs baby. On positive notes with regards to 'reflection' having seen my niece or nephew in the scan (im saying nephew) it just reminds me just how much I want to be a mummy, and yes I am disabled, spend lots of time in hospital and live nearly every day in my wheel chair, it doesnt mean our baby isnt going to be loved and less, and not only is our child going to have respect for same sex coues, but they will also have respect for a disabled person. I have a feeling this child will be a perfect citizen in society and I cant wait. Ok, so heres a bit if a battle of the thought tonight. Hope its not to jumbled, but sadly this is how my head is seeing it. Im off to bed now as im what the dictionary calls= exhausted c: TTFN XXXX