Todays Journey

A nice early start again for me today...thanks to Dixie, but no harm done, just meant we could walk around the feild twice. Firstly though, its weigh day and im pleased to say im back on track with a 1lb and 3/4 weight loss. Ok, its not a lot, but its still a loss and im pleased as punch with it. I had to drop my lovely lady off at volunteering for 12. When I got home, a had a quick bit off dinner with Dixe and then headed up to our bedroom. My other half noticed yesterday that Dolly our goldfish has come down with white spot so I had the challenge of isolating her from the big tank where her and Dot live. I then had to scrub the big tank and do a water change to make sure we caught it in time before it spreaded to far. Heres a picture of the finished piece ha

Following the fish tank sorting I decided to get two of my glass cabinates on the wall that holds my china ornament shoes in. I wanted to surprise my lovely lady for when she got home...and off course I did. I then started finishing off the uploading off photos to CD ready to give our friend tomorrow following the naming ceremony. I also went online to Asda to get 11 photos printed off to add to my portfolio. Hopefully ill be receiving them by the end off the week. After all this was done, I decided to sneakily go into next doors hedge and snip 12 of their daffodils and I put them in a jar of water for a little treat for my girlfriend. Thankfully with living in the countryside, there are so many daffodils I dont think theyll ever notice. This evening I done some physio on the trampet to try and get my legs working that bit more, and then we set off for the feild again with the pup. I have to say, she really is catching on super well with her call back. Really pleased with her. I havnt spoke to my nand since before I had the flu, which as you know was a long time ago now so I felt mega bad. I am a little worried about her though, as she came down with a virus the same week I had the flu, and shes just getting poorlier and poorlier. She has an immune deficiency illness called shrogrones (ive spelt that how I say it just to warn you) so each time theres a cold going around, like me itll hit her hard. Although it was fantastic talking to ger, it never stops me worrying, and to make it even harder for me, she lives in Manchester so I cant pop round and make her a cup of tea. Well, fingers crossed all starts picking up soon, but for now, I must get back to the tv, Revenge is on!! TTFN XXXX

Todays Adventure

Last night I was 100% worried that Dixies body clock wouldnt be able to be adjusted to the time change and I feared she would be awake at 0630. Suprisingly though, she woke up at her usual 0730. Not only was I pleased but I was also mega shocked. Straight after breakfast we took her for a walk. It wasnt all that successful though as my partners mum came with her puppy and Dixie just got to distracted and was running around the feild like mental. Towards the afternoon though, I took her for a walk by herself just to get some call back training in for the day. Every 20 steps I walked, I called her name and gave her a treat (dont worry, the treats are smaller than my little finger nail). She done really well though and I was happy that shes starting to pick up on the call back altogether. Once all our camping washing had finally finished, I decided to sit and chill whilst reading up on more photography stuff. Ive managed to find roughly 5 more projects to keep my busy!! Myself and my partner booked a tabled at pizza hut tonight for the four of us to go out for mothers day. My girlfriends parents have never been to pizza hut before and the mega enjoyed it. Infact we all enjoyed it. There was so much laughing going on which was great as we havnt had that now for a very very long time. I know it wont last long before then next downer but im glad that my girlfriend and her mother managed to have a great day between the two of them. It was lush to see. I thought I done extremly well at pizza hut also as when I felt full, I stopped eating. I didnt overdo things so im hoping on weigh day tomorrow I will have lost weight so keep your fingers crossed. Just before bed we managed to get Dixie in the show to get the sand and camping mud out from her skin and fur as it was really starting to irritate her. The shower, towel and hair dryer no longer scares her anymore though so it makes the whole process a little less stressful. Though it clearly made her tired as shes now snuggled up next to me in bed dozed to the world. Its been yet another very bust day for me. Cant wait to have a day where I can just sit and relax again as im getting beyond exhausted. TTFN XXXX

Mothers Day

After a bit of an upraw last September with my mum, a day after I had surgery, I move out and moved in with my girlfriend. It was all a rush, I wasnt mentally prepared or physically prepared come to think of it. Dont get me wrong, I love my girlfriend more than anything, but when you have my disabilities and illness I wanted to get hospital care sorted out first etc and move in gradual. I guess it wasnt meant to be. Sadly, moments with my mum now are just as rare as what they were when I moved out the first time when I was 17. I absolutly hate this, its not how a mother and daughter relationship should be. Fir a brief time when I moved back in with mum, our relationship was fantastic. We went shopping, out for coffee and out for random drives and walks. This was only after I was on the brink of death following and asthma attack which pit me on a ventilator. My mum very rarly rings me up either unless its when she wants something. Most of this bad bonding started when I told her I was gay. She seemed gutted and never liked my girlfriend. She would say otherwise, but if you were to see how she treats me when I have my partner around her to how she treats my dister when she has her boyfriend, you would see the difference. All this though has made me think today about how much of a different mum I want to be to our children. I want them to grow up knowing they can come to us no matter what, and feel u dlessly loved. I do miss my mum, and I love her masses, but today with not being with her, it has really hit home. I wish I lived closer so that I can pop round with her card and present rather than having to send it her in the post. I also just wish we simply spoke more than once in a blue moon. I read all these stories of mums wishing their daughters were still alive and vice versa, and I dont want that to happen. I know eventually it will, but im only 23, I dont want to grow up wishing things could be different. Well, ive said happy mothers day to mum twice today, and made it clear with how much I love her. I guess I cant do any more than that. To all the other yummy mummies out there, happy mothers day to you too!! TTFN XXXX

Something New, Something Old And Something Different

Tonights title may or may not reflect on the actual string of events that im going to tell you about, but it sounded like a good title so I stuck with it. This morning I have to say, I wanted a lie in...what was I thinking!? 0730 came, and Dixie needed a wee and once I was a wake, I just couldnt re settled so I was up, dressed and breakfasted!! We had to do a quick mad dash to the post office though because with all that went on yesterday I had completly firgit to post mums card and present, so that was the first thing on our agenda sorted. After a spot of lunch, it was decided that the rabbits needed cleaning out and put in the run again to stretch their legs. Thankfully, it was only their potties and the bottom halves of the hutches that needed doing so didnt take to long to sort. Following this I needed a rest so decided to make the rainbow sock rabbit that I purchased at the campsite on Thursady. I have to say though it is very scary and looks very much like those rabbid rabbits if you know what they are. Whilst I was doing this, the girlfriend has started making wedding invitations. Yes, ok, the date isnt set yet, but theres no harm in preperation, especially as it has taken her all afternoon to do this one. Ops. Of course as usual, we took Dixie for a good old walk around the feild twice so she could stretch her legs as after a few days camping and being on her feet constantly I didnt want her cooped up for to long. So, the meaning of the title... Something new: making the sock rabbit Something old: cleaning out the rabbits Something different: we managed to put the tent outer canvas away as the sun came out and dried up the rain!! Update on the finger following yesterdays incident-bloody sore...that sums it up really...oh, that and it still keeps bleeping on and off. At last minute tonight also, weve just managed to book a table at pizza hut in Truro for my other half mum for mothers day. Im going to try really hard not to eat bad things though as I really reallyvreally dont want to put on to much weight this week!! For now though, im shattered and off to bed...dont forget the clocks go forward!! TTFN XXXX

Back To Reality!!

As your aware, it was mine and my other half first holiday not being in a hotel but in a tent and well I have to say, although it was blinking freezing, I really enjoyed it. Just being us with our dog in our own little world was fantastic. Ok, so what we done... TUESDAY: not the most adventurous of outings, we set up camp. The end. Only joking, that was just the start of things. Once our new home had been set up we decided to take Dixie to the beach. Blinking heck didnt she enjoy it. In and out of the sea, digging in the sand, trying to eat the sand that we were kicking out in front of us and she just generally really loved the experience. I did get photos but ive not uploaded them to the pc yet so youll have to wait to see our pooch on the beach. WEDNESDAY: as the weather was meant to be better for this day, we made a pack lunch and went to "The Lost Gardens Of Heligan". Although ive been here before with my mum last May, I struggled as I only had my crutches were as this time I had my wheelchair. Anywho, we went around as much as we could before I got mega exhausted. The flowers, scene, views and general prettiness was breath taking. I generally forgot how fantastic it was here. On our way back, we went via the shop and got ourselves a beautiful flower and a little hand crafted mouse sculpture made of wood (to which I named Murtle, I have no idea why though). We also got stopped by near on everyone in the shop because they could stop being amazed by our amazing little puppy. Admittedly she is lush. On wednesday night, I decided to go via tescos to pick up marshmallows, chocolate digestive biscuits and kebab stick...so I could treat my other half to a smore. Shes never had one before and lets just say, she loved them so much, we ate two...and then two more the next night. A picture will follow for this soon also. THURSDAY: ok, so on this day, the weather was not what we wanted. Rain. But we still went out on an adventure, though on our way there we had to do an emergency trousers and pants purchased as our pooch got a little overwhelmed and peed on my other halfs lap. Oops. Once all the change over had finished, we carried on our way to a place called "Wheal-Martyn" to which basically is a china and clay museum which also had a nature trail and a huge amount of history and mechanics for clay production in the 1800. Ok so if your not a history geek like me you wouldnt enjoy the history side as much, but thankfully its something we really enjoyed. FRIDAY: home time *sad times*. As always, we were up at 0730 as Dixie was hungry and needed toileting. We naturally got into the swing if things and started packing up after we had had breakfast. I think we were done withing about two hours. All was good, Dixie was in the car ready, and my other half was in the loo. I then took it upon myself to put the last few items in the backs seats, to wgich consisted of pine cones and a pair of orange wellies...and the disaster struck. Somehow, as I was shutting the door, I managed to shut it on my little finger whilst it was sitting on the locking mechanism. And off goes a slice of the top of my finger. I got to the toilet block as quick as I could to get the myd and oil off my hand so it didnt get into the now pumping with blood hole ive got. I shouted to my girlfriend to say I was there also, and when she came out, and I told her I had had an accident. The bleeding wouldnt stop and the whole cut was far to big for me to leave it so we had to divert via Bodmin minors on the way home. At the hospital I had to have an xray because it was a crush injury (thankfully nothing was broken or lodged inside), I then had to have it cleaned up, stitched and bandaged.

Ok so the picture doesnt actually show off the true extent to what happened, but believe me, it bloody hurt!! Only I could go on holiday and end up in hospital!! Well, heres a happy camping picture from day one...

So, ill try and get some more photos for you all to see tomorrow, but for now im off to make a rainbow sock rabbit!! TTFN XXXX

Always Something

Up nice and early today...but then we all fell asleep again after Dixie had breakfast, till roughly 0930 which for us is rediculoudly late since having a puppy. We done our usual routine first off, and then decided Dixie needed a walk...or I needed it because I put on 2 and 3/4 pounds in the last week. Im personally blaming my increase of steroids plus I have eaten a fair few bad things. We also took Dixie for a walk this evening, for her fun but for me, punishment!! We had to leave at 1130 though to get my other half off for her volunteering job. Once I done that, I had to run off to lidl and asda to get our food for going away tomorrow. Following this (goodness ive been busy) I then had to get my other half to our local hospital as she had an appointment with her ears because of her hearing loss. All is ok, but sadly, the type of hearing loss she has cant be treated with hearing aids, its a weird link between her ears and brain that loses the wavelengths of words and noises which jumble things up and make it harder to hear and understand words. My heart aches for her because its not something that can be sorted. As a result she now struggles to hear generally. I on the other hand have to learn to talk slower and with less of my Bristolian twang ha. Testing my cooking skills (under supervision because of my muscles) I cooked the most amazing tomato soup ready for when we get back for our lunch time meals for when we get. I know a soup is mega simple, but for someone with my disabilities, its blinking hard, and depressing because of needing supervision. In good news, I managed to complete the editing process from Saturdays photos. I managed to get 124 that I absolutly love and im super proud of. Oh and, I got another silver award on a photography I submitted to a competition a few weeks ago, im so proud of how far ive come, I just hope I can keep it up. Excitingly I am off camping with my beautiful girl tomoorow and our puppy. Were only going to Padstow just incase something was to go wrong, but its our first little holiday together as a little family. The memories that will be made are ones that im really looking forward to. I just hope it goes smoothly as weve got our next camping holiday booked for May already ha. So, im not going to be blogging for the next few days, will probably be either Friday or Saturday night, deoending on how tired I am. TTFN XXXX Ps, I forgot to mention, after I sent my sputumn sample last week, I had the doctor ring me today and as I thought ive got a bug in my lungs, its a yeast based fungi that is resistant to all antibiotics so were waiting to hear from my cons about what week can do. Fab hey

Stress!!

As I mentioned yesterday, I wasnt going to be doing a lot today because of having to asthma attacks yesterday, so I sat and editted the photographs I took yesterday. Ok, well, firstly we took Dixie for a walk around the feild, had some dinner and then I went up to our room and started the photo editting process. For the first two hours sorting the photos everything went swimmingly. I took 149 photos all in all, that turned out good. There was more but of course some were blurred and some people were blinking etc so the had to go leaving 149. Out of all of them I have for 70 I really like and im focusing my time on. The first lot of editing was good, cropping, sharpening, de noising and colour altering. But heres where the stressful thing started. I spent the next three hours wanting to give up. I had been given some templets to be able to group together 4 or more photos together on one page, annoyingly though my photo editting softwares didnt want me to be able to do this and no matter what I done to get it to work, the things just didnt want to work. So I have gone for plan be for adding borders and didderent effects to the appropriate shots. I still have a hell of a lot of work to do and im going to be focusing my time on it tomoorow whilst my other half is volunteering. Another adding if stress, is that I have weighed myself a day early. Well, technically I weigh myself everyday. I have sadly become very obsessive about my weight since ive been trying to loose it. Anyway, this week because ive been bad with food, I have currently put on 3pound. So like on Friday when I punished myself with swimming, today I punished my self by walking around the feild twice with Dixie. Ok, so to the average person walking around a feild twice may seem a little lame, but when you have muscles and lungs like ive got, it could be seen as a disaster waiting to happen, I dont care though, I need to loose this weight. Im just not happy with it anymore and it was driving me down along with everything else. Heres to next week though for a better amount of good thoughts and goals. Especially as its mine and my other halfs first time camping together. Yay. TTFN XXXX

Frustration!!

Early for waking wasnt the word for this morning but I figured because we went to bed so late if I were to nod back off I would have never woken up in time for the big day. Yes, that day that ive been stressing about has come, its the naming ceremony for our friends little boy. We got there around 1pm, my other half set up her cake and I started sorting my camera to allow for the right amount of lighting and to take pictures of the items that were scattered around like napkins, flowers and the naming certificate. People started to file in at roughly 1330-1400 and all was going to play and I managed to get around 150 photos ish. (Ill let you know for sure tomorrow). Excited that I had enough confidence to be able to do these photos, things couldnt stay perfect. I decided to have an asthma attack. Friggin perfect. Sats dropped to 90% and heart rate shit up to 134. I wasnt even going to do my peak flow. I was starting treatment no matter what. Thankfully, a few back to back nebs and all was dandy and the day continued. We flew home for a 45 minute breather before the meal this evening because I was just to exhausted. We had to be back for the meal in another part of Cornwall for roughly 1900. Everyone was atill super nice, and I feel I have now managed to broadened my friendship circle for my new county im living in. The food was really late for coming out, and about 2030, I was starting to feel sluggish again, and as I went to take a bite of my nail (being the annoying nail biting person I am) I notice my nail beds were purple, I instantly jump up to go and check my oxygen levels. On my way over to get my bad, someone walks by me having had a ciggerette, and bang, if I wasnt going off on another asthma attack I was now. So pissed off that ive had two attacks in one day, all I want to do is enjoy my life and hobbies but each time ive just built up to be happy, bang shit gets thrown back in my face!! Lets just say I will be hybernating in my bedroom tomoorow on my computer just editing photos. Nothing more and nothing less as I am adiment I will be going camping on Tuesday!! Although my lungs have given me hell today, I have to admit I am proud of myself. I really was mega worried and scared that I would end up flumping the whole day but I think and feel it went reasonably well!! Thats all from me for another day!! TTFN XXXX P... I forgot to say, the registrar that done the naming ceremony has told myself and my other that she would do out whole wedding and paper signing for £115. Doing it this way with her also means that we could legally get married ANYWHERE. Whether it be a beach or our back garden so we are certainly keeping things in mind for a potential marriage plan!!

Overdone It Again!!

I knew today was going to not only but busy but also hectic and stressful. Thanks to our darling pup, we were awake at 7am so just decided the day may aswell begin. After sorting out the rest of our pets and eating breakfast we headed off to the swimming pool. I told myself I was doing 100 lengths as punishment for eating rubbish food yesterday, and, I done it but it killed me. As a result tonight both my lungs and muscles have officially given up. When we left the swimming pool we had to drive round to the tip and unload a car full of crap that I just can no longer keep since moving in with my other half. It was sad to see many things go, but heres to the future right!? We finally manged to get home at lunch to which my other half set off for doing the final touches to the cake ready for the naming ceremony tomorrow. I on the other hand, read up on some photography and downloaded a new software onto my computer that my sisters in laws purchased me. Eventually this evening I did start helping with the cake though as time was pushing on and I didnt want my other half stressing. I wanted to leave the majority to her though, as shes amazing at these sorts of thinfs and its only fairvas im doing my part on the actual day by creating the memories through photography. As I mentioned, we started the cake at lunch time which was roughly around one ish, and we finished all of half and our ago which was roughly 2230. Ill try and get a picture of the cake to upload for you all to esee over the next few days. Suspiciously, (dont want to build my hopes up) but today and yesterday I have been feeling so hugry and wanting to eat everything insight. Im just craving food soooo much. Im not sure if this is a sign of a positive note, or just because ive had my steroids up again. Lets just say im hoping its not the second thought. Complete change of subject now, but, I never understand why I put my body through so much. Every day thus week weve been busy with something, and now after tiday ive completly screwef my body up again. Im hoping I havnt screwed it up to beyond movement tomorrow meaning ill end up letting my friends down. This and fir next week when me and my other half are having our official first un hotel holiday break with just us...oh and Dixie!! Ive always loved camping and other than camping in the back garden for a tester experience last year, my other half has never done it. I was determind that this year it was finally going to be ticked off my bucket list again as since my illnesses become so bad, ive not been able to go, but this year ive decided to say sod it, I could be dead by the end off the year, I need to start living for today...so thats what im doing. Right, I better go, got a blinking lit to do tomorrow and ive got physio and nebs to do now!! TTFN XXXX

Reflection...

Today I have been up to Bridgwater with my other half to see my old respiratory consultant to make sure that my transition to my new local has gone smoothly and that things are semi remaining ok. I updated her with regards to my last admission and that it was again in ITU needing NIV. I also updated her with regards to my allergies, my myopathy, my manitol test and all else that I may have been told in the last 6 months. As usual, she was very pleasant, caring and helpful. She said that now having done the mannitol challenge test, it obviously helps with the confirmation of asthma, with the fact I dropped so low on my FEV1 so quickly by so much confirms that I am very sensitive and also brittle. We all knew this anyhow but o viously with it now being on baby, its hard evidence against those twats that just dont want to believe. My lung function today was pretty reasonable for my (managing to get 1.81 liters of air out my old sacs with the first few seconds) I say for me because in fact, my highest out put of litres of air in the first few seconds is only, 2.05 and my lowest being 1.12. I should aparently be around 4 - 5 litres but I guess we cant have everything hey. She did say that it could be this high because I am on increased steroids but obviously we would never be able to know this. I also got to meet up with my sister breifly, have a sneaky peak of the bump and I also got to see the 'baba' scan...and get a copy for myself...

Ok, so the meaning of this post 'reflection' is basically because with today being another lung appointment, another lung function and another lung discussion, it just shows me how precious my life is and how much I need to live it. Being re told again today that I do have uncontrolled severe brittle asthma really does hit home. It shows that can never be longer than an hour away from hospital as that could mean that day being my last. My consultant also mentioned how much happier I seem now with not living with mum and with being with my partner, and that everything she is doing for me really is helping me meaning im having less strain on my lungs. Although this again has really really scared me, I really do need to live each day as if its my last. This has also triggered my ptsd massively tonight because im scared ill never get to meet my sisters baby, let alone mine and my other halfs baby. On positive notes with regards to 'reflection' having seen my niece or nephew in the scan (im saying nephew) it just reminds me just how much I want to be a mummy, and yes I am disabled, spend lots of time in hospital and live nearly every day in my wheel chair, it doesnt mean our baby isnt going to be loved and less, and not only is our child going to have respect for same sex coues, but they will also have respect for a disabled person. I have a feeling this child will be a perfect citizen in society and I cant wait. Ok, so heres a bit if a battle of the thought tonight. Hope its not to jumbled, but sadly this is how my head is seeing it. Im off to bed now as im what the dictionary calls= exhausted c: TTFN XXXX

Maybe Some Progress!?

Thankfully, or shall I weirdly, our little puppy Dixie allowed us to sleep in untill 0900. Which was just what I needed after having the crapiest night sleep ever. Bouncing between coughing, flash backs and pain, my night was at the terrible end of the spectrum. I also woke up producing mass amounts of gunk, so it went straight in a sputumn pot and my inlaws were very kind to drop it in for me as they were heading past my doctors surgery. Fingers crossed that this may be the reasoning behind my lungs not being happy again. This moring was very chilled out, I put all three rabbits in the run for the day again, and made some home made Gnocchi, for mine and my other halfs tea, and it was blinking lush. Were using a lot of recipes from a book weve just purchased called 'A Girl Called Jack'. In this book the lady has made and adapted many different recipes to which are budget meals when living on £10 a week for food and they are also super healthy. I would definatly recommend it to anyone wanting cheap and healthy meals. Once my cooking session was over, I had to go to the doctors myself for 1440. I knew it was going to be a wasted appointment on my GPs side because it was following my conversation with an ass of a doctor last week, who wouldnt re prescribe my tablets because I was on so many. So in I walk to the GP (this one in oarticular us very good and I now wont see anyone else at the surgery). When I explained the situation on the phone and that im still getting the cramps, he said he would be more than happy to re prescribe me the drug again, and at a higher dose to see if it helps more. We also discussed the situation with my phosphate and that my local still gasnt responded to him as to whether or not there is a link to my asthma etc, do weve agreed that I will chase them up this week, and if they have a problem, I have to get them to ring this specific doctor and he will sort them out. We also discussed the fact my new antihistamines arnt working as effectively as I would like them because of the increase of reactions im having. We established that I am on triple the 'legal' dose, and if possible, leave it another few weeks to let my body ptoperly adjust and get use to the new drug, if not, then ill be changing over to one of the two alternatives to which I was given. In the mean time, my epi pens are not leaving my side. Just remembering, the twat of the doctor from the phone last week stated in my notes that I said GPs are a waste of time. I retold the nice doctor today that what I actually said was, I didnt want to be wasting GPs time coming all the way to the surgery when it can be dealt with over the phone. Shame it cant be removed from the system. Bonus though, todays visit was positive for me as I can restart my drugs, but a pain for the dictors as someone who is generally poorly and needs them, then couldnt have that much needed appointment. Im back off to Bridgwater tomorrow to see my old respiratory consultant and to also see my sister who is hopfully giving me a baby scan photo of her iggle piggle. So excited to see the real scan as the first was sent via picture message as we live ove 100 miles from each other. For now though, its film time with the HERsband and pup. TTFN XXXX

Days Like This Make Me Feel Lazy

So, last night I promised myself I will rest todays as I was just making myself beyond poorly, and thats exactly what I done, and I feel stupidly lazy with having done it, but its either rest up or land in hospital, I certainly know which sounds better. I filled my dad with reading mass loads of photography information to keep my mind active and keep me busy. My reasoning behind this is that I have started getting major flash backs again because if my severe PTSD. I figured that my best option would be to do something that would really challenge my mind rather than sitting infront of telly allowing my mind to wander. Granted it didnt help perfectly, but im pretty sure it could of been worse. My other half has been continuing her cake making ready for Saturday. I was sat out in the kitchen with her to keep glancing up to see her progress. It was lush to be able to just be us for the day. Made us bith really happy. My pops in law has also sorted my pc for me so I can properly crack down with my photography set up. Im so excited as although I am becoming more and more disabled each day, im not going to let it make me a complete vegetable. I just cant. On a random note, I keep driving my head insane. I keep thinking how lush it is going to be in a few weeks time if our test comes back positive and we know that our family is going to grow, and then I keep mentally twisting things about how rubbish a mummy im going to be because I cant run around or ride a bike and much more with any iggle piggles we may have. Am I being selfish. Am I setting myself up for failing. Will I mentally screw up our child!? I just dont know what to do. Im also pretty sure this stressing really isnt going to help. My PTSD is making life really hard again right now. I cant wait for this phase to go. For now though, im led snuggled with my lady watching 'Gravity' as it arrived in the post today. Excited!! TTFN XXXX

Such A Nit Wit

As you can tell from the title, I still havnt learnt from my mistakes. Last night I had to put my steroids up because I was struggling so much, and today my lung function still isnt good, but that still didnt get me to sit on my arse and chill. I had to take my other half to volunteering at lunch time, but because we wetevearly, we decided to walk around the local park with the puppy. That initially killed me espevially as I decided to walk tjis time instead of using my wheelchair. Once I got back home, I had to sort all the pets foods out and get the rabbits in the run. I then had to have some dinner, do my meds and then try and sort my pc out, all before I had to then go pick the other half from work. Stupidly though, I promise my other half that we could go to a place called Cardinham woods and go for a walk with the pup and also have a 'naughty hot chocolate' because it is so hilly though I refused to have someone push me in my chair so ended up walking again. Safly though we only got about 5 minutes in and my legs were giving way and I couldnt breathe, so we had to turn around and go sit gown. I was gutted. Steroid myopathy and brittle asthma are so dibitating and is slowly killing my independance and freedom. My flash back are also flaring back up again. More than the usual daily stuff. I think its because my body is struggling again and its scaring me for what might happen. Im hoping they will settle down again soon!! My pain has also gone ridiculous. This is my fault though. Because of trying for a baby, I have stopped taking my morphine as I dont want it risking causing any harm to the foetus at all. Im considering asking my GP to refer me to rhe pain team to get things back under control. In happy news though, this week I lost another pound in weight. That means I have one pound and three quaters to loose and ive lost another stone in weight which totaled up, thats three stone since last August, im so chuffed with regards to that!! Well, sorry for the depressing post, I just had to talk to someone and you guys seem perfect. TTFN XXXX

Relaxing...I wish

One of these days I will learn to take it easy, I just have to!! I decided that I needed to finish off what I started yesterday with all my kit from storage and blinking heck it has killed me!! But in good news, ive finished it all so I am mega pleased, I just have to do a tip run tomoorow to get rid of all the paper, boxes and crap that we just dont have room to keep anymore. I have to admit it has been tough though. I didnt realise how hard it would be. One because of its a chapter of my life im never going to experience again, I had the most amazing flat ever and it was all mine, a place I could retreat to after id finished work on the ward and chill with my pets. Secondly, I didnt realise how much stuff I still had from my past relationship and it was hard looking back on it all, it braught back some nasty memories. But, its all done now and have my future to look forward to!! In other news, my other halfs sister and her girlfriend have got and purchased me a new photo editing suite in their words "to practice for their wedding photos". Im so chuffed, its a bloody good piece of software, though that still doesnt help sort the fact im still craping myself about doing their pictures for them. On the shit side of things, my lungs are going downhill. Ive nebbed a lot more and upped my steriods in the hope its going to sort me. My peak flow has dropped ans my sats are 92%. Im really hoping what ive done will help sort it as I really dont want to let my friends down for this saturday!! (Oh, and for camping next week) We will have to wait and see!! TTFN XXXX

Past & Present

0530 we were up today, and in a way, blinking good job as I was having a full blown allergic reaction. When will my body give me a rest!? Once all the morning duties were done we had to set off for Bridgwater. I have finally emptied my storage unit after having all my possessions locked away for over two years. Admittedly it was really hard, especially as I had my other half with me and she was finally seeing photos of me and my ex. As soon as I found anything from her, I tor it up, smashed it and put it in the bin. I want nothing more to do with her. She has (or shall I say had) ruined a fair chunk of my life and I wasnt going to allow her to continue that. And honestly, it felt good doing it. It felt as though a chapter has finally been closed and I can officially move on with the most amazing lady in my life. After finally getting home at 1400 we quickly rammed some food down our necks, fussed with the pup and put the rabbits in the run and cracked on with sorting through more of my kit. I finally had to call it quits at 1700 though. My lungs have had enough and I could no longer breath. Thankfully my other half realised how much I was struggling and how much I was coughing with a very high pitched wheeze that she rushed to get my nebs and I sat with them for a little while. Sadly though I am still very twitchy. Im praying that itll shift as next Saturday im meant to be doing the photography for our friends sons naming ceremony and I really dont want to let any if them down. Well for now, Im shattered, bruised and irritated so im going to nod off TTFN XXXX

Amazing Few Days!!

As you can tell, all has been a little hush hush with me for the last few days and heres why: On Tuesday, I drove myself and my other half to Dorset, we were booked into a travelodge for a few days. We know that there was a pub next door, but we didnt know there was a KFC to the otherside. But, we were good and restrained ourselves. Untill we drove to Glastonbury for a great little outing which was lush because my lovely lady had never been there, anyway, we had a krushem, which to be fair was blinking good of us to not eat also. In Glastonbury, we of course went charity shop shopping and have got some fantastic baby clothes for our potential future baby. Yes I know what you may be thinking, why buy it when your not expecting. But these are the best clothes ever and they are all made for that specific culture. They are bright, colourful and very much unique, aswell as super blinking cheap. Wednesday was also a big but fantastic day for us. We had planned to meet the man that could potentially made our dream come true for being parents. We met him at 1130am and had been chatting for a whole hour despite having been chatting to him for over a month. He was perfect. Polite, happy, intelligent man that has a heart of gold. He also signed a contract for us stating that he would have nothing to do wiith any child/ren that may be concieved from this. Excitedly, he also gave us a donation on Wednesday so in a few weeks we will see if all went as planned, though we keep reminding ourselves that it may not happen just so we dont build up our hopes up. On Thursday we sadly had to come home, and early because we had arranged to look after a good friends little boy whilst she went to an appointment. It has been fantastic to have a great few days away. We literally just chilled, were ourselves again, watched lots of amazing retro films and we had a really nice meal, just the two of us with no stresses. I cant wait for our camping trip in a few weeks time just to be able to be ourselves again, though when camping, we will have the little puppy then where as this time we didnt have her. Though, this will be exciting none the less. Today has a bit of a scatty day. Initially, we got up and went swimming. Because we had a few bad foods whilst we were away, we decided to do 80 lengths to burn off those things we ate. After swimming I then had to go buy a new glass for my wing mirror as the final half decided to fall out yesterday following some twat hitting it last december. Then, I had to run my lovely lady to meet with her new healthy trainer lady to get a little more help with our weightloss plan. Whilst she was with the lady, I took Dixie to the park for a little run around. Its been a great but very VERY exhausting few days, but annoyingly, we cant rest up tomorrow, we have to go to Bridgwater and empty my storage unit and we have to be there by 9am so its a wake up at 0530-0600 depending on which time I can be bothered to wake up to. TTFN XXXX

Happiness To Ignorance!!

As its Monday, its weigh day again. I was dreading it. Because of having flu last week, I didnt really eat much real food, just general crap so I figured I was bound to put weight on. But...I didnt, yay. I lost another 1 1/4 so I was chuffed. I have 2 3/4 pounds to go and ive lost 3 stone since last August. Im over the moon. Never thought I would be able to shift this steroid induced weight but with pure determination and the support from my other half we are getting through it together, to ehich I must add that she to lost weight this week also!! I dropped my other half off into town at lunch time for her to do her volunteering and I firstly went off to the Doctors to get my prescription ready for going awayvtomorrow to which they told me that because I only ordered them on Thursday they werent ready yet. I ask how long till they were and they responded with 1430. I walked out ubber pissed off as that was in less than two hours time. The thing that hacked me off even more was that she picked my drugs up off the side as they were ready and prepared in the basket, all they needed was a final check and to be put into a friggin bag. It would have taken 5 minutes if that to sort, but no I have to go all the way back out there tomorrow in the opposite direction to our mini break and hope that they have all my drugs for me!! After this cock up I then had to get back to town to go to the dentist. I had to have a very small filling as my nebulisers have started effecting my teeth. Bearing in mind I am disabled, to which the dentist surgery are aware of because I told them itll be difficult to get to them as they dont have a lift and are on a first floor and its two flights of stairs up. So bearing this in mind, I climb the stairs, sit and wait 40 mins as they are running behind which is also very uncomfortable for my hip and then finally get called in, to what looks like an obsticle course, to which my dentist didnt move anything to allow me getting into the chair any easier. At this point, other than calling my name, he still hasnt said a single word to me. He then tips the chair back without prewarning me and then stabs the needled straight into my upper gum...again without no pre warning. The treat ment then begins and it seems the dentist has finally found his voice, but only to say if the grinding hurts, raise your left hand. I expected to have one of those clothes protector bib things on so they didnt splash my clothes with anything, but no, nothing and my jumper gets drenched. Again pissed off. After hes finished, he raise the chair up but still hasnt said a word to me so I guess hes finished and struggle back through the obsticle course to get back to the door. On my way out, I ask he how long it is untill I need another appointment and he sits there pondering and then say hmm I guess a year. A year, one fucking year. With being on long term steroids and clearly getting damage from my medication, he wants to leave it a year. My last dentist wanted me with her every 4-6 months. The conclusion to this barbaric treatment is : typical nhs. I have to admit, I much prefer private dentistry, just wish there was on local that would excempt me being exempt from payment because of ESA.ooo I almost for got, on top of all this, hes got filling paste all over my two teeth and its clearly visable which has also pissed me off as its my front two teeth!! So, after my crazy appointment I go home to chill out. Im so stressed from it and have another headache as a result. Not what I need. TTFN XXXX

Not Your Typical Sunday!!

Panic struck last night. After roughly 10 minutes after we turned off the lights to settle to sleep, I started coughing. At first I though, ah its only a cough...and then it continued and each breath I tried taking I was coughing instantly and I couldnt catch my breath, then, my chest went tight. The minute this second stage happen I thought, bollocks, I cant have an attack now, I must get to Dorset this week. So, on goes the lights again, and off with the nebs I go, thankfully, because I jumped on it as quickly as it arrived. A few nebs and I was settled so I was a happy bunny and went to sleep. Today on the other hand, I swear the pollen count is high. My throat is so itchy and scratchy (shoooow...sorry had to add that in) and irritated that its like im swollowing glass, that and a streaming nose and just generally feeling yucky, hay fever style!! I have a funny feeling that yhese new antihistamines arnt liking my body as much and I may have to go back to my old ones. Again this rash on my face that ive been telling you about decided to reappear. We really are confused as to what could be causing it. Its not overly itchy, but its coming up in the exact same places as what it always is and its like a red/orange sort of colour. It really is baffleing us. I guess if it persists ill have to go to the docs about that also...oh they are going to love me!! In chirpier news though, we took the pup around the feild again this morning and she had a good old paddle in the stream. Then we took her to a shop called trago, got her a jumping hoop to practice some agility tricks. We also took her around the pond that is there also. After our trip there, we were off to our friends who live near Looe. We got invited for dinner with them and it was super lush. We nattered masses and she also gave me my birthday present. Yes ok its late, but (and a huge but) im going to let her off as she made it herself, and when you have a 7 month old teething baby, thats going to be a huge challenge. Anyway, it was a knitted slouch hat made in rainbow cours with its main colour yellow which is epic as its my favourite colour. I love it that much its been on my head from the minute she gave it me to the minute ive jumped into bed. Whilst we were with our friend, because the live in the middle of nowgere in the country side, we went for a little gander to the next farm over to have a look at the new baby lambs. I just wish I had my blinking camera. After all this excitment, I decided my car was now disgustingly filfthy, so we went to the car wash. Dixie was petrified and when the turny clothy thing was coming at us, Dixie couldnt have backed up and further into my lap. Atleast we can say shes heard new noises. With all this business going on, when we got home I literally collapsed on the sofa. We found out that my other halfs sister has been really sad today as shes having a lot of problems with her lower back. Recently she got diagnosed with a curviture of the spine and it is leaving her in agony despite being on lots of pain releif. Along with this, because of the pain and the drugs shes currently on, she cant drive to work and she also cant do her job because shes a midwife. I feel mega sorry for her as I know exactly how she feels. Because she lives roughly 200 miles away from us I felt helpless so me and my other half decided to send her a balloon through the post. Its great. Its a tortoise that has little feet that weigh the helium balloon down so in theory it walks when you pull it along with the string. We just hope it makes her smile, even if just for five brief minutes!! We will let you know. Its due to be delivered on Tuesday!! Well thats all for now... TTFN XXXX

Lots As Usual!!

Time has literally flew by over the last 24 hours and ive really enjoyed it, even if it has killed my muscles. Yesterday, we had to clean out our three rabbits. With me being stuck in bed all week they havnt been cleaned out and had got very poopified. My other half cant do it on her own as shes not 100% with handling them yet where as ive had the one rabbit 5 years now so very much use to them. Other than that really, we just walked the pup around a pond whilst my other half had an appointment and then also walked her around the field a few hours later. After that, weve literally chilled all afternoon/evening and it was great. Today has pretty much been the same. Weve put all the rabbits in the run all day and we took the pup to the field. This time though with walking the pup, because as of today she can now go in fresh water, we took her in the stream at the bottom of the field and she was in her eliment. We didnt think she would go in very well, and initially our thoughts were correct (due to her falling in the pond at 7 weeks old) so my other half with her bright orange wellies, jumped in the stream and started splashing. Dixie was straight in. She was hilarious. She was copying my other half by splashing with her two front paws but then also trying to eat the water that was flying in the air. After this she started digging in the soft mud under the water and then was doing circuit's around us both, in the water, back to the field then back to the water. I really wish I had recorded it as we were in fits of laughter. She also learnt a new trick which was fetch and bring back. Were so proud of her as shes learnt so much for just 14 weeks old. Whilst out walking I saw a perfect composition in my head for a photo to enter into a competition so when we got Dixie home, we grabbed my camera, went back to the field and captured it. That photo has been submitted as of tonight so ill get the results in 3 weeks so fingures crossed. I also booked another mini break for myself and the other half for May time. Its another camping trip in Devon. It was a voucher on group on so I couldnt resist really. Got a fair few mini breaks coming up whichll give us something to look forward to. We also had our amazeballs moses basket/ rocker arrive today. It wasnt meant to get here untill next week so we were beaming when it arrived today. Its come all the way from America as they dont sell them in this country. Although we dont have a baby as of yet, I couldnt stop myself from buying it. We just have to store the thing now ha. TTFN XXXX

Battle Through

My intentions today were to continue in bed trying to fight off this flu, unfortunatly though, my other half had volunteering at lunch time and work up extremly worried and scared because she had never been on a Thursday and didnt know anyone (she sufferes from depression, anxiety and panic attacks). So I decided that I would take her in for 12, hang around town for an hour and then be right outside for her at one. If she needed me before hand then she could ring and I would be there in se onds. I figured this was the least I could do after how shes looked after me this week. Whilst in town, I found these amazing bright orange wellies, so I got them for my partner. Because of the weather, the feild by us as become very wet and muddy abd it was ruining her trainers so she said she wanted dog walking wellies...and low and behold, whilst charity shop shopping, these were staring right at me. When my other half saw them after she had finished volunteering her face was beaming at the sight of them. I think its safe to say I chose good. After all of this, we decided to go to our usual cafe and have a coffee date. We use to do this regularly before we got a little short in money so it was lush being able to do that again. Instead of going home to rest, I then decided we should take the pup for a walk around the feild (and of course to test these wellies ha). We didnt walk far, or shall I say I didnt. My other half though ran half way across the feild, we took her off the lead and we started calling her name between us both, so not only was she gettig a good run around but she was also learning her call back. Might I add she done blinking amazing. Finally we got home, and I collapsed on the sofa...literally. we figured it was ti.e for a well earnt dvd, so put on the woman in black...and within minutes I fell asleep...oops It has been a busy couple of hours throughout the day, and looking back now I have yet again pushed my self to far, but I guess I cant laze around all the time. We also purchased a little owl book today where we have started writing a journal for our process with the baby so that when they are older, they have something they can read to look back on their journey. Hope it works as well as what it does in our heads. for now though, crufts is calling TTFN XXXX

Boring Boring Boring

The title explains it really...boring, cause my day today has literally consisted of nothing. About an hour ago has been the first time all day to which I can open my right eye without it making my migraine worse, and I hope it continues this way. Its now day three of the flu for me and blinking heck I wouldnt want to wish it on anyone. Ive never had flu before, the flu jab has always kept it from me, but this year, even though ive had the jab ive come down with the flu and it is si dabilitating. It may be worse for me because of all the other health issues I have going on but I guess I would never know as im never going to have a year without these illnesses. Again though my beautiful other half has looked after me beyond the call of duty for a partner. Because my vision has gone ive literally been able to do hardly anything. Shes kept my drugs pumping in me whilst alsi keeping me as hydrated as possible and of course on the odd occassion bring up food when request. Ive not really eaten much so today when Ive really really asked for real food shes ran like it was a race to get it before my hunger pangs flew away so to speak lol. Shes also managed to take the little pup out for a walk during the many times to which ive slept today. Sadly though she is off to Bernados tomorrow to do her volunteering post. If my vision is back to what it was before then ill be taking her and ill also be sticking to my appointment with the police at 1530 about my ex. So vision, you better come back perfectly!! For now though typing this is making my head worse so... TTFN XXXX

3 Years On!!

Im not sure if you remember me telling you about my ass hole of an ex. We ended up splitting up because not only was she beating me up daily but she also made me see that there was no point in life to which lead me to taking a life threatening overdose. Since leaving her, I also left Bristol and went into hiding so that she had no clue of my where abouts...untill this year. Ok granted she does know where I live, but although ive changed my whole name she has managed to hunt me down through facebook, because I ignored her she started texting my mum, because my mum started ignoring her, shes now moved on to facebook messaging my other half. Shes demanding apparent money that I owe her because she gave it me when we were together to purchase a car and now that shes getting married, shes decided she needs funds so easy way to get it is to harrass me and the people I love. I wouldnt mind and I wouldnt be bothered, but shes threatening to take me to court and I think its unfair. She gave me the money, there was no documents signed saying that I would pay it her back and what I dont get is why its taken her three years to suddenly decide she wants money. I told myself that if she was to contact anyone I loved again I will can the police instantly, and ... tonight she did. After an initial talk with the police, I am now meeting with an officer on Thursday all being well and recovered from the flu. Im upset that shes starting again. Why cant she leave me alone. Shes caused enough stress and harm to my life!!?? TTFN XXXX

Flu-Urgh

Things got all to much this morning. I had a rough night and it continued through to this morning. My temperature is still sky high, the pain I have in my joints is ridiculous, ive never experienced anything so bad, my migraine is still here and theres so much more im suffering with. With it not shifting, I wasnt sure of what to do and I was getting worried so mu other half kindly rang the doctor for me. My partner did tell them that I wasnt able to drive because of how poorly I am and how drugged up on morphine I am to try and sort the pain. We had asked for a home visit but the doc who was talking on the phone was an assband said, no we wont get a home visit we either have to pay for a taxi or get a driend. Thankfully my partners dad offered to take me in, but it was really unfair. After being to the doctors, to which my other half had to do every step with me as I still have no coordination and I feel mega week, it turns out I have really bad flu. He said if theres any sign of it moving to my chest I have to be seen immediatly because of the obvious. Ive never had flu before and bloody hell I wouldnt wish it on anyone. The scary thing is ive had the flu jab so xan you imagine how id feel and how much worse id be if I never had the jab!! My other half has continued to be a star though. Really looking after me and literally not leaving my side other than to take the pup for a walk...which she didnt want to do because of leaving me but I guess its only fair!! Well, as its pancake day, and ive not managed to eat anything all day, im having some alpro soya almond milk pancakes bein made for me. I hope the I can both manage to eat them and keep them down. TTFN XXXX

Not My Day At All!!

I woke up at 3am, initially with massive pains in my joints. I thought nothing of it, went for a wee and then went back to bed. When I woke at 0730 I have never felt so poorly in all my life. My temperature was 39.2, I had a splitting migrane, was sweating out and had those horrendous joint pains still. Along with this, I just felt detatched from my body, my co ordination was shot, and I just didnt feel right at all. Im annoying stuck in bed as its to dangerous for me on the stairs, ive had to strip right doen, open my window and eat paracetamol just to try and sort out my temperature, which currently is remaining high. I havnt a clue whats causing it, I dont feel drastically bad with my lungs, but I cant think where else the infection could be...if its that, thats causing it. My other half has yet again been a gem, shes cancelled her volunteering for the day to look after me. Although this makes me feel bad, in a way im glad shes here, and thankfully shes rearranged things for thursday. Im a little bit ticked off though, as about an hour ago I decided I actually wanted to eat something do the other half went and made me some toast. When she got downstairs, yet again her mum started having ago at her because she hadnt done the dishes whilst they were out shopping. My girlfriend tried telling her mum that shes been looking after me and making sure im ok. According to her mum though, she doesnt have to stay upstairs with me just because im poorly, and also that she needs to start pulling her weight more. I feel so sorry for her, she wanted to stay with me coz one I feel like shit and can hardly move, and two, why should I be left up here on my own just because my body doesnt want to work. Its completly unfair, and this shit for not pulling her weight, my other half cooks all three meals a day for both of us, she does the washing, she washes the dishes, she does shopping. Sge tidies up and she helps out with all our pets, I dont see what more she can do, especially as shes a full time carer for me also. Its a lot for her to take on. Her mum seems to be having ago at everyone, but she doesnt see it, and she thinks that shes doing nothing wrong, yet most days and evenings now shes left in the living room on her own as the rest of us cant stand being in her company, I mean, doesnt that show you in itself that theres clearly something not right with the attitude and atmospher!? Clearly not!! Well, im feeling crap again and starting to nod off, I hope this nastiness starts to fade pretty darn soon!! TTFN XXXX

Enjoying Life

What a busy (for me) weekend it has been. Thankfully, yesterday morning my new bank card had arrived which meant I could then have access to money. Just aswell as we had been invited out. Myself and my partner got invited for a meal at the toby carvery in exeter with two of our friends who have a little girl together. These two friends have been our rock. They are also a same sex couple, and the one use to be a support teacher at my senior school, so I personally have known them for a long time now. They also had a little girl through AI treatment just over a year ago, and they are also supporting and helping us massively with our journey. Having such amaxingly close friends really does help, and allows you to have a great social life. Weve arranged to meet up again in May when they come back down to Cornwall for their holiday. We also took our little pup out for a walk around the field before had also, shes mental when it comes to walks, she just doesnt want to stop. Because of me though, we are limited to how long we can stay out. Sadly today I have been in absolute agony and if im honest, with the weather being ultimatly crap and being in so much pain I just wanted to stay in bed all day. But yhen where would that get me... ...so instead we went to the beach. This was Dixies first time and she friggin loved it. Both me and my other half were so happy that she loved that sand, seaweed and water as much as we had hoped she would. By the end of it though, she was soaking and really cold, so we wrapped her up in her blanket and snuggled her in her bed that he put in the back of the car for a nicer journey for her. Right now my life couldnt be any better. I have the most amaxing partner that I really love. And our little pets keep us busy and on the go. The future really is heading our way and I cant wait to see how it pans out. As usual though, your all going to know in good time hehe. Here is a picture of Dixie loving the beach and loving the camera, right little poser she is!! TTFN XXXX