Hospital, Asthma And Mental Illness

Saturday 31st January 2015...at 7am i woke with a very rude awakening, yet another asthma attack. Its never nice waking up struggling to breathe, having a peak flow of 90 and sats of 81% so we got an ambulance straight away.

By the time i got to resus i was shattered. All the usual drugs were given and ICU had been contacted. They came to visit me in resus and all i remember is waking with the ICU consultant holding ny head and holding a bag and valve mask to my face as he was bagging me.
So, as you can probably guess i went to resus and was on NIV for 24 hours.

Once my gases had stabilised i begged to leave ICU because of the trauma it causes me so thankfully they got me to the ward pretty quickly. U fortunatly,the first night on the ward there was a crash call put out for me.and the resus trolly placed next to my bed. The ICU cons then rushed me for an urgent CT scan to make sure i had no clots as my gases were shocking. Thankfully i didnt but i did however have double pneumonia and some shadows on my lungs. The pneumonia had been treated and ive gotta go back when more stable to have biopses on my lungs to figure out what the shadows are.

Three days later i was getting better and my consultant wanted to see how my heart was doing as he though he could hear issues. So off i pop for the scan and guess what, i have fluid building up on my heart. Perfect. So now i need a second heart scan this sunday to see how fast it is building up.

Thursday morning I started to feel a little better and even managed to put on a film. 10 minutes in and now i have no recollection of what went on. I only know what ive been told because i went unresponsive. They think that this is a result of my asthma attack and my body being extremely exhausted. Nothing could wake me. They put stupid amounts of pressure on my chest, collar bones and eye sockets abd it didnt wake me. Aparently they also put in an oral airway and i even tolerated that. I am now sacred shitless that thisll happen with every attack i have.

My consultant has now also started me on hypertonic saline nebs to try and shift the rediculous amounts of mucus i have building up. At the moment all is going good though it is making me mouth stupidly sore.

Following all this, it has really fucked up my head and i really dont want to live anymore. So i finally managed to build up the courage to tell the staff at hospital how i felt about my suicidal intentions abd as a result ive been admitted to a secure mental health unit.

All this happened on my birthday and it sucks. What a great birthday.

I got put on level three line of sight because of the risks and my intentions to die.

The second night of my being here i really did just have enough so tide stuff around my neck. Sadly though about 5 minutes later i got caught. Needless to say im mega pissed off.

Ive also managed to get hold of things and cut up my arm aswell. All of this because of stupid PTSD abd flashbacks from ITU admissions. I really want this to end. If not the flash backs then my life...

TTFN

XXXX

Wowzers

So yet again life has been turned right upside down and all over the place.

On tuesday i was due to have my hip surgery. I had everything sorted mentally etc because i had been having therapy. We r then sat there, all paperwork filled in and every member of the team has spoke to me, then low and behold after 3 hours of bwing bumped we then get told er sorry ur surgery has had to be cancelled as theres no ITU bed for if its needed post op. Was so pissed off as u can imagine. It has now been rebooked for the 24th of February and fingers crossed itll go ahead this time.

In other news, after signing up to do dog fostering last wednesday we were super pleased to learn we had passed. We got told initially that we wouldnt be able to foster untill Dixie had beeb spayed which we figured was fair enough BUT four hours after our home check and we had a phone call, they want us to foster a dog. Yay.

We picked him up on Sunday, his name is Diesel (no we didnt pick it) and he is a minnaturet Staffy. He is absolutly adorable but hes extremely tough to look after. Each day he wakes though he is getting better. He still has some aggression when he has to do something he doesnt like, for example getting out the car and he also has extremely bad food aggression. Sadly thatll take a while to go because hes just not use to having regular meals. He has really bad seperation anxiety also so the minute myself or my wife leave the room he howls the place down. Sadly that may never go.

On sunday we also had to rescue a rabbit. He was in such a bad shape u am totally suprised that he is still alive. We have managed to sort his hutch so its now in a liveable condition,weve also cut his nails and also brush half his fur. I say half because it is in such a bad state that we really dont want to traumatise him so we are giving him breaks inbetween time.

For now though life really isnt that much different.

Im starting to feel really poorly again though. Really drowsey and pain in my lungs. I blinking hope its just a passing cold =(

Well i best be off. Sounds like some pooches need fussing!!

TTFN

XXXX

Moving Forward

Yesterday ive finally got to a pain team appointment. Ive been having chronic on going pain, not just for my hip but because of the myopathy from the steroids. Unfortunatly at present no intervension is possible unless its with pain releif. Ive been maxing out on paracetamol, tramadol, codiene and oramorph with little to no effect so now ive been started on a tens machine which is hooked to my hip 24/7 and i turn it on for 1.5 hours every 4 times a day. Ive also been started on bupanorphine patch ontop of everything else. So far theres been no change other than the bupanorphine knocking me out and the tens machine causing pins and needles down my leg. My life seems like such an adventure lol.

Ubfortunatly, my friend who I mentioned a little while back, has remained in hospital and had started rehab and moved to a ward, sadly though today she has had to be taken back to intensive back and has been reventilated, really hope she continues to fight through this nasty infection that is still pumping through her body.

Weve had regular updates with regards to Dixie being at her foster mums. Initially we thought we have had to put her in the kennels as she wouldnt stop crying us which was resulting in noone sleeping. The foster mum had spoke to her husband and they decided that because she wasnt like a normal foster dog they looked after, they would let her upstairs in their sons room with him and suprise suprise, shes aparently the perfect house guest which is amazing to hear. So much so that the foster mum even felt she could let her off the lead over the feild today. Its lush to hear that shes doing so well. Just hope she remembers us when she comes home.

Thats all for now

TTFN

XXXX

Worried

Today i learnt that a very good friend of mine is extremly poorly and as we speak shes being transfered to a different hospital to get a different level of care.

Its very touch and go.

Weve been told shes at a critical stage and without this much needed operation theres a very high chance she wont survive.

Im scared. Shes been an amazing friend. Yes weve never met but we email a fair few times a week and i feel like ive known her for years.

Im currently being updated by another friend of hers and i really feel for her as she just doesnt know what to do and im angry with myself for not living closer to be able to help.

My otherhalf keeps saying to me, let me know if u want a hug or if you get to sad but i just cant bring myself to show her me being weak. Weve got to much to do and fight for.

All i know is, my friend MUST pull through, i need her!!

TTFN

XXXX

Terrified

Im home...thats the main thing. By this though im home in body, not in mind. Two weeks ago, my other half went out for a walk with Dixie. About half an hour later it started to happen. I was so scared. I had no idea how long she would be and I couldny get through to her as she had no signal. So I sat there waiting. Nebbing. Worrying. When my lovely lady returned she was worried. She called an ambulance straight away. Because of how long I was sat there on my own nebbing, by the time the ambulance crew came my chest was silent. Honestly though I was only sat there for roughly 45 minutes and then we were waiting about 10 minutes for tge ambulance crew so not really that long considering how I used to leave things whilst living in the city. Being rushed into resus I knew what was coming...shit loads of blood gases and boy wasnt I fight. The nurse that was assigned to me was initially nice...and then found out I was gay. She gave my partner the most filfiest look ever, then chucked a peak flow meter at me, then yanked the neb mask off my face half way through a neb and told me I need to stop panicking. By this point I was telling my other half, one more bit of nasty treatment and I was leaving and taking myself to plymouth. The doctot that was assigned to me initially didnt want me to have any drugs either. I told her what treatment I needed but she said I wasnt poorly enough. Off she sends me for another xray as the first wasnt all that clear and then come back to me and says "I would like to do another blood gas as the first two shows signs off deterioration. If this one does also ill put up some magnesium and we will have to get ITU to take a look at you". Funnily enough because treatment hadnt been started, my third blood gas was worse again. After one lot of IV antibiotics, my cannula tissued and my arm blew up. I told the doctor but they didnt believe me so left it 3 hours for my arm to shrink before running the magnesium through it. And guess what, my arm blew up again and they had to recanulate. By this point of course I had been moved to the medical admissions unit to be closely monitored. I think it was around 5 am (though not entirly sure as I was asleep) and I got woken by the lady doctor again asking if I was ok as my observations were going off the chart. She listen to my chest and the next thing I know shes running away from me. Then I heard it, she was on the phone to ITU. 4 more blood gases later, 15liters of oxygen on a rebreathe mask and finally the magnesium, oh and of course an ITU doctor. Thankfully though at this point the remained wanting to keep an eye on me. By the time alk this had happened it was now morning (officially in hospital world) and I had the day med reg come to see me who thankfully was a respiratory reg. She was not impressed with how I had been treated and demanded I needed IV aminophylinne immediatly. Once this was up and running, and I had all the oxygen running through for roughly 12 hours I started to feel a little better. The lovely resp reg came back to see me at 8pm to make sure I was ok before going home. We had a good old chat and she told me that she spoke to my team at derriford and new abit more about my asthma which was going to help her treat me. Unfortunatly though the next day she was in clinic and wasnt able to review me herself. Once all the aminophylinne had run through, my partner took me in my wheelchair out to the corridor on my oxygen to see my friend. She wasnt allowed on the ward because she has an 8 month old son which is fair enough. Whilst out in the corridor, the resp doc saw me and asked how I was. I told her the truth. I was starting to feel shit again since the drip had been down. By 9pm, I had 4 doctirs at my bed. The resp reg couldnt make it herself to see me but she sent a team of docs into review me. Suprise suprise my chest was back to being silent...AGAIN. Another dose of magnesium and more aminophylinne and we were going through it all again...and ITU looki g after me on the ward because there were no beds up in ITU. (This following bit I cant actually remember, its what my partners told me) The next day, I was very very sleeepy. After lunch I got up for a wee and then I remember no more. Aparently I was very sleepy and not really responding. I had more magnesium and of course the aminophylinne was still running. My partner got asked whether she wanted my mum to drive down because I was really poorly. The next thing I know, my mum and step dad, my mother in law, plus 3 docs, 2 nurses an ITU reg and an ITU consultant was at my bed...and I was off to intensive care. The next 24 hours was all a bit of a blur and I hated it. Thankfully though the ITU team were fantastic, though left me bruised from foot to wrist...literally as they started using my feet to get blood and give me drugs. It turns out that the whole of the lower half my lungs were fully of infection. The nasty thing is, because the Infection was irritating my lungs so much I had now started coughing up blood. I had physios and doctors all working with me to help me get better. A week later I felt better. I was no where near safe but I couldnt cope being on ITU so I asked to go home if there was no beds on the resp ward. My pf was still only 150 but I agreed to stay in bed and not move...and ive stuck to my word. The thi g that got me the most in ITU was a CODP man got rushed in 2 days after me. He started iff breathing on his own. It then mived to NIV. And then it moved to him being tubed. Everything I could hear was exactly like when I was tubed. I didnt sleep at all since that man arrived. Each time I closed my eyes I got flash backs and was terrified. So on the wednesday the docs agreed for my mental health It would be safe for me to go home. I have my partner here looking after me and ITU arranged for the early intervention team to pay me a few visits to make sure I was still going in the right direction. Now that im home though, im still not sleeping well. Im napping on and off throughoit the afternoon. Then I fall asleep at mindnight for an hour and then im awake again till 0630. I think sleep for roughly another 1 - 2 and then im awake again. I hate it. I just want to sleep and recover. Thankfully though, I have a great friend who stayed with me through facebook when my attack started two weeks ago and this same friend has allowed me to use her netflix account so that I can watch films through out the night on my kindle whilst my other half and pooch are asleep besides me. One bonus about being awake at 5am is that you get to hear the birds waking up as everything else is silent. Its actually very peacful. TTFN XXXX

Short Update

Hi everyone, Just an update. Im am in Intensive Care with my asthma. Been here since last week which is why ive not been updating. As soon as im home, youll here from me TTFN XXXX

Mentally Down

I know, I know, ive just done a blog, but thats about my day. This is about my mind. I have severe PTSD. Im STILL waiting for CBT. Ive been abandoned by the health care system. Im feeling alone. Im feeling scared. Im feeling vunerable. Could I harm myself...ive do e it before!! That previous few lines is exactly what has been going through my head for the last few days. I really dont know what to do. What has made it worse, and what nobody seems to be seeing is that my father in law has been admitted to the same hospital that I was admitted to, two days before christmas last year. Hes been admitted to the same ward I started off in before I was rushed to ITU. Im taking the same routes to get to his bed that I was taken before I was nearly dead. No one has asked me how ive been walking back into that hospital. No one has asked me if my flash backs and panic attacks have gotten worse since stepping back into the hospital. No one has offered to stay with me for five minutes when I need a breather to sort my head out. Yes ok, I know, a member of their family is in hospital and is poorly. Im not being horrible, but his observations or stable, hes not on oxygen, not being closly monitored and the doctors arnt worried about him. Hes only now still in hospital to sort out warfrin that he is now on. This may sound very selfish to anyone reading this, but when you have been that close to death, unfortunatly you have to try and live life, and frustraitingly my life is being restricted in more ways than one and I hate it. I want my life back I want to start a family and not have them worried about all my health needs I was the flash backs to stop I just want to be me!! TTFN XXXX

Sleepy Issues

For those of you who have read my most recent blog you would know that I had a recent admission to ITU with my asthma where I ended up on a special breathing machine but also keeping me awake. This was because I refused full ventilation.

Well, since then (like previous times) I have been having real bad issues with sleeping. Every time I close my eyes it takes me back to that very moment and Im worrying myself with what ifs!? Truth be known Im scared of death and Im scared that one day my asthma will be what kills me and at the wrong time.

All of this is worrying me and Im finding it hard to talk about. My girlfriend asked me last night what was on my mind and what was it that was keeping me awake and I was to scared to tell her. So I said nothing was up. I hate not telling her. I just feel that we cant relate in this department as shes never had to experience it. In the mean time though not only am I getting rubbish nights sleep like normal but I now have this added extra.

Im stuck.

Im lost.

Im confused.

I dont know what to do for the best.

Help!!

TTFN

XXXX