Stress Stress Stress

Round two of my eye movemwnt therapy for my PTSD was on Monday. Prior to arriving i was actually shitting myself, i really didnt want to go purly because last week after my last session was hell. I felt shit, wanted to commit suicide and just felt rubbish, so you can see why i didnt want this week to happen.

Well the session itself was a pretty bad one and i could actually only do half an hour as a result and the therapist knew it was bad with how things went.

After the session we went shopping and i went home and slept just as i was told to as i dint want any bad effect because of not doing what i was told. Unfortunatly though, it wasnt untill about 9pm that things started going really bad again. Thankfully i had an amazing friend at the end of the phone i could text as i didnt want to worry my wife. I felt so weird though. I didnt feel like my body was my own. I was shaky. Jittery and beyond scared. I ended up having to taken more morphine than usual to try and calm my system down. It knocked me to sleep as you can imagine and thankfully by the time i woke the next day things had been a little more easier to cope with.

I think once my surgery is over next week things may get a little easier for me.

On Tuesday my wife went to the doctors for a bloody test. Im not going to tempt fate but the result should be in today. Weve rung aleady but sadly they arnt back as of yet so we are going to have to ring tomorrow.

On wednesday I felt like we needed to do something for ourselves and to help others. Im going through a huge phase of wanting to help others so i signed myself and my wife up to foster poorly and abandoned dogs. Today we had a suprise phone call from a homechecker as we had passed the first stage and she wanted to come out and visit us today. Well that check has just been completed and we have passed. Yay!! Heres to helping more lost pooches.

Well ill probably not be blogging untill after my surgery now so hope you all have a gokd weekend.

TTFN

XXXX

2015

So it seems i am 10 days late in wishing everyone a happy new year but we have a good excuse.

On the 23rd of December, my beautiful wife and myself finally got the keys to a lovely flat. One that we can call home.
Thanks to kind and generous people, we have been able to get a man with a van to move all our kit from our temporary home to our new flat and we have also been able to decorate 3 rooms with just the hallway to go. We are not doing the bathroom as i have contacted social services to have a wet room put in.

On Christmas day we also got our beautiful Dixie back and spent christmas with my family. With it being my nephews first christmas it was absolutly fantastic. Really loved it. But had to come back on boxing day to get this new flat suiteable for us to live in.

As a new found family, we celebrated new years together in our new home which was lush. We all had a yummy duck roast, including Dixie. Although hers was her dog meat. Lets just say it turns out she loves a good roast.

In December too, we had been given three donations from a lovely sperm donor that we have me. Since this, my wife hasnt as of yet had a period. As of today she is now 14 days late. We have done a test but it is saying negetive so we have contacted the doctor and he has told us that unfortunatly for many women they dont produce enough hormone to activate a home test so we have to wait another 2 weeks to see if she misses another period. If she doens then we have to go back to the doctors for a blood test. Really hope thag we are pregnant. This will be a dream come true. I really want to be a mum.

This month also i have been given a diagnosis for my Primary Immune Deficiency. I have hypogammaglobulinaemia. Yes it is a real word. Pretty spectacular. Hopefully though with having a diagnosis and a treatment we can finally get things under control.

I have also been give a date for my hip surgery and i am being admitted on the 27th January to have it done. Lets just say i am shittong myself. Mainly because the aneasthetist i saw was such a twat in that he wouldnt listen to me about my reaction to Generals and that i stop breathing. I am meant to be having a spinal but i actually have no idea what is going on anymore.

Sadly also i have yet another infection. I waited 3 days trying to sort things out on my own but i was just getting worse and worse. By the time i went to the doctors, half of my right lung wasnt working and the base of my left lung wasnt working. My peak flow was shocking and i generally felt like crap. So im on antibiotics and high steroids again for both the infection and pleurisy that i have. Lets hope i can shift it before my surgery.

Well i am exhausted so off to take a nap.

Hope everyone had a great new year and that 2015 brings you everything you want

TTFN

XXXX

Bones!! I Guess We Need Them

A few months back if you remember I told you a breif bit about my hip being crap and causing a lot of pain. I mad an MRI scan with Dye to try and figure out what was wrong following a steroid injection in theatre that didnt work. The scan showed that I had A labral tear that needed fixing. My current consultant was in Musgrove because of living in Somerset when I was refered there. They told me that they only do open surgery there. As i was now a resident of Cornwall they said they would transfer my care to a Consultant in St Austell because he can do the surgery via key whole. Perfect. Figured all i would need was a little hole being stitch up and on I go.

I had a consultation with him to which he asked me what it was I knew about me him to which i told him what I just told you. But he told me to wait there because it wasmmore complex than that. Wait what I never got told this. Why is this new to me!? He told me a breif outline about my hips not being thw right way. He thought at the time it was my sockets that was backwards so he done an xray on the day which showed my femurs sitting inside my pelvis which in itself isnt right. As these results werebt good he requested an urgent CT scan as noone seems to have wanted one of them yet.

Inwas supposed to get these result 5 weeks ago but he rang to cancel because he didnt have all the results back.

I finally got the appointment to go today at 0940.

I took my other half with me as its only fair that she knew what was going on and i figured that the consultant would be able to explain it easier than me.

So clinic. We sat down and to be honest i was shitting myself. I was mega scared but didnt show it because i didnt want to worry my other half.

He pulled up my CT scans (which might i add was bloody amazing) and showed us the results. Firstly he apologised because he said it was more severe than what he first thought and told me. So whereas we thought i just had the tear and high sittong femurs it turns out ive got:

A lip of overgrown bone at the back of the ball head of my femur which is causing the ball to catch on the socket which in turn is causing my hip to pop out of place multiple times a day.

I next got told that my ball itself is facing the wrong way by 15degrees which is why i cant put my legs into certain positions and why when i sit certain ways my right leg is shorter than my right because as its rotating its rotating the wrong way.

As all this was supposed to be found when i was a child and fixed it has now caused severe artheritis in my hip because of all the damage.

The consultant has stated he has never seen this extent of damage and mis growth in someone of my age. Great.

I will need surgery i cant be like this.

He said he will focus on my right him first as it is causing the most pain and once the right side has healed he will move onto my left hip.

So, the surgery, the first stage we are trying under spinal block a key hole procedure to which he will scrap away the lip of overgrown bone and hopefully get a better picture of the artheritis and try and sort it out abit. If this doesnt really do much it then leads us to stage 2 of the surgery. This is even more major surgery than before and i will need a general to sedate me. During this procedure he will break my femur in half and will take the top half of the femur out, rotate it by hand to the position it should b and then re put it back into the socket and reattach everything. The 3rd stage in many many ears to come is total hip replacement which the artheritis will cause.
Like i say once the right side is done i will then need all of this on my left.

What pisses me off the most is the fact that not only was this ignored throughout my whole childhood but for the last 2 years ive been told constantly that the pain is psychological and that theres actually not anything wrong. As a result of their neglegence i am now suffering the consequences and getting chronic pain and needing major surgery twice over.

I dont understand how our lives can be so miss treated through the hands of people we are supposed to trust.

Its shocking and shouldnt be allowed.

TTFN

XXXX

Mixed

Now that ive got internet back for a little while and can catch up on lifes happenigs over the last 5 days i figured i would update u all.

On Saturday, our friends came over to help mover our rabbits and their homes over to the new flat. First stop tho was lidl as we needed a much. After all this i was so tired i could barely do anything so my job was to look after their son. Figured it was good enough and not to intense as i was beyond tired.

On sunday we had a very early start. This was the day we sadly had to say goodbye to Dixie as she was off ot her foster mum. To whom is absolutly lovely and has kept us updated daily. Sadly dixie has cired on the evenings and her foster mum aparently went and slept on the sofa with her. Feel so bad for her having to do that.

Amongst this on Sunday, we went via my sister to have snuggles with the nephew and to give him hes halloween outfit and also went via mums for a roast mmmm good stuff.

We had to go to the old house on sunday evening when we finally got back to cornwall to fill the last few bits of or kit and take them over to the flat. I think we got to sleep at 1am and had to be up by 730 as we had to go via the house on the way to my hospital appointment.

My appointment was with regards to the lump in my mouth. Aparently it is very similar to the one i had on my lip last christmas but much bigger. For healthy people they would be out under a general and have the whole gland taken out but because i stop breathing with generals hes going to try a different version. He is putting local in my mouth and taking off the top layer of my lump in the hope itll cause it to stop growing and even shrink. This is happening on the 22nd of this month. sadly though if this doesnt work ive no choice but to be put under.

With regards to the council we have finally been put up to a band be as they have decied weare and urgent priority to needing a home. Perfect

For now though we are settled in the flat and a lot happier than we were in the house.

im offski now though ready for pride of britain.

TTFN

XXXX

Worried

Today i learnt that a very good friend of mine is extremly poorly and as we speak shes being transfered to a different hospital to get a different level of care.

Its very touch and go.

Weve been told shes at a critical stage and without this much needed operation theres a very high chance she wont survive.

Im scared. Shes been an amazing friend. Yes weve never met but we email a fair few times a week and i feel like ive known her for years.

Im currently being updated by another friend of hers and i really feel for her as she just doesnt know what to do and im angry with myself for not living closer to be able to help.

My otherhalf keeps saying to me, let me know if u want a hug or if you get to sad but i just cant bring myself to show her me being weak. Weve got to much to do and fight for.

All i know is, my friend MUST pull through, i need her!!

TTFN

XXXX

Whens It Going To End?!

My title is perfect for this present moment in time.

Today, I finally managed to get an emergency appointment at my dentist for the lump in my mouth. I was not impressed though. My appointment was at 1210. I got there at 12 as I hate being late for things. Next thing I know its 1245 and I can hear them nattering about their upcoming weekend so I went to the desk and said not being funny but its pushing on and ive another appointment at 1pm. So the dentist goes back to her room fiddles about and then comes and gets me. I sit in the chair and she said right today we are doing a filling...i stared at her and said i think your not. Im coming as an emergency to get my lump looked out. Finally we get down to business and it turns out i was right. Its something called a Ranula. Unfortunatly though I have to be refered to a surgeon to have surgery to not only remove the lump but also the offending syliva duct and glad as for some unknown reason its become damaged. She also said i need biopses because of how angry it looks...stupid thing is though she said ill here back from the surgeon within 8 weeks. Im not happy especially if it turns out to be Cancer. Im not looking forward to it because what could be a day case procedure cant happen for me. I stop breathing with aneasthetics and need ITU input. Great.

In other news. My in laws went and viewed thier potential new house and when they come back they were happy about how it looked. We now have a man coming on friday to sort this house out and if they like their new place they sign the contract on Friday too. They then get the keys and can move in on Monday. We all also have to be out of this house within 4 weeks. Great.

Im also having a crap day as this time last year i had my second respiratory arrest and im getting really bad flash backs.

Thats all for now

TTFN

XXXX

Down Again

To start things off yesterday was HELL!!

Went down to check on the rabbits like normal and Mr Spice still hadnt ate or drank at all. So other than the syringe feeding hes not had anything on his own accord so I rang the vets and we rushed him over there.

We got into the vets and as I predicted, his teeth had overgrown again. Sadly Mr Spice has deformed teeth and he refuses to eat hay so his teeth grown up into his head and around his cheeks. As a result he was in agony and went off his food. He needed emergency surgery. We were waiting around the vets for 7 hours because I didnt want to leave him. With him being 7, there was an 80% chance he wouldnt make it. Thankfully though, he did and he is now back home with us and is an gorgeous as ever!!

Today how ever has just dragged me down that little bit more.

On Saturday we handed out the last of our wedding invites, and lets just say, a fair few people are not impressed at all. Not just because they arnt invited to the ceremony, but because our dads wont be walking us down the aisle, no one is wedding dress shopping with us (as my other half is making her dress) and they have to pay for the evening meal.

Weve literally had non stop hell about how we are doing it.

Today, I dropped my other half off at work, and as soon as I got home her parents near on cornered me and interigated me for why we are doing the wedding the way we are. I told them that the day is about us and we cant afford a big do, to which I couldnt cope with anyway.

It seems like know one is happy for us. From word go, the day we starting seeing each other, someone has had a comment to say...and not nice comments either.

I just dont get it. We r happy, why cant people be happy for us!?

TTFN

XXXX

Devestated

Some people may say, atleast you know whats causing your trouble and others may say, its not that bad, ive had it but for me, its really got me down.

The reason it has got me down is because its the 3 bit of crappy news ive had this year so far and were literally only half way through.

I had Taunton hospital ring me yestersay saying theyve had my MRI results back fot my right hip. It turns out i havnt been making up my pain just to get morphine as some doctors have said, but infact i have a lebral tear in my right hip meaning i need to have surgery as soon as they can get the whole team together for me.

Im having the surgery down in Truro though as it can be done key hole down here rather than open surgery that Taunton can only do. So i have to wait for my care to be transfered over first.

The reason this bit of news has devestated me, isnt just the fact that doctors wasnt believing me but its also the fact that i flat line and stop breathing everytime i have a general.

Yes im aware that i dont have to have a general, but ive not been given these option as of yet. I guess each hospital has their own policies.

Only time will tell.

TTFN

XXXX

Pathetic

This morning I had to take my other half to the hospital for an appointment. She had to have her braces adjusted, a few other bits tweaked with and her jaw looked at to make sure everything was going in the right direction for her surgery that shes having towards the end of the year...hopefully. Thankfully everything everything is going perfectly and the treatment really is starting to work. The sad thing is that with things being played with today, shes got lots of pain so now we have to step up the pain releif again to make sure it doesnt get out of hand. Prior to us leaving, we had a huge barny with my other halfs mum. She knew we were going out and although my partners dad only came put of hospital last night she insisted that they had to go shopping. (Even though I could have done it). Wuth us all being out the house, she asked us where we were going to be putying Dixie to which we both replied, in the kitched like we always do. She wasnt impressed with this because unfortunatly on the weekend when we were at the hospital for 6 hours Dixie chewed the table. She wanted us to put her in our bedroom to which I refused because not only is there electric at the end of the bed and to the side of the bed but I have all my drugs. Thankfully my father in law agrees that itll be far to dangerous to keep her up there. Hes not nothered that the table got chewed because as he said again today, they didnt pay for the table and they are puppies. My mother in law argued that shes not having her stuff chewed which is why they got their puppy cage trained. As a result now they are telling myself and my partner that we have to by a dog pen for dixie to go in as they dont want to risk her chewing other stuff. Ive told them if they want her in one, they can pay for it as the are roughly £50. I refuse to cage train Dixie. So may say its amazing, but the idea of licking my dog in a small cage just doesnt appeal to me, not only is it restrictive for them, but they have no fluid or anything. I also see how stressed their puppy gets. I also panic and worry because when I was 16 I was involved in a house fire. Our old family home infact and I worry that if this was to happen again now, then Dixie would be trapped with no where to run. Why would you risk it, it doesnt make sense. Thankfully, no more has been said on the subject since we got home, but im sure it will. The rest of the day has generally been ok though. Im suffering really bad with my muscles thpugh, they keep giving out on me and I cant hold me head up again. Im having to prop it up on pillows. I really wish I didnt have this muscle disease. The rest I can cope with...kind of. Well, I best be off, I have a hospital appointment for myself tomorrow. TTFN XXXX

Mothers Day

After a bit of an upraw last September with my mum, a day after I had surgery, I move out and moved in with my girlfriend. It was all a rush, I wasnt mentally prepared or physically prepared come to think of it. Dont get me wrong, I love my girlfriend more than anything, but when you have my disabilities and illness I wanted to get hospital care sorted out first etc and move in gradual. I guess it wasnt meant to be. Sadly, moments with my mum now are just as rare as what they were when I moved out the first time when I was 17. I absolutly hate this, its not how a mother and daughter relationship should be. Fir a brief time when I moved back in with mum, our relationship was fantastic. We went shopping, out for coffee and out for random drives and walks. This was only after I was on the brink of death following and asthma attack which pit me on a ventilator. My mum very rarly rings me up either unless its when she wants something. Most of this bad bonding started when I told her I was gay. She seemed gutted and never liked my girlfriend. She would say otherwise, but if you were to see how she treats me when I have my partner around her to how she treats my dister when she has her boyfriend, you would see the difference. All this though has made me think today about how much of a different mum I want to be to our children. I want them to grow up knowing they can come to us no matter what, and feel u dlessly loved. I do miss my mum, and I love her masses, but today with not being with her, it has really hit home. I wish I lived closer so that I can pop round with her card and present rather than having to send it her in the post. I also just wish we simply spoke more than once in a blue moon. I read all these stories of mums wishing their daughters were still alive and vice versa, and I dont want that to happen. I know eventually it will, but im only 23, I dont want to grow up wishing things could be different. Well, ive said happy mothers day to mum twice today, and made it clear with how much I love her. I guess I cant do any more than that. To all the other yummy mummies out there, happy mothers day to you too!! TTFN XXXX

My Recent Adventures

8 days ago I got admitted to heartlands in preperation for my operation which was on Tuesday.

I went down at 1230 and got told I would be 45 minutes. 3 hours later the finally take me off the ventilator. The reasons for this was because my lungs had a massive disagreement dropped their sats and started to struggle. So as you can tell I worried a lot of people.

I finally got back to the ward at 6pm or there after and wasnt really with it at all.

The pain was so bad I really didnt know what to do with myself. It doesnt help that I couldnt have local in my tummy because Im allergic to it.

The next day was still pretty much the same, still loads of pain, unable to breath properly or cough so they upped all my pain releif in the hope it would sort things.

Thursday was going good. Pain was starting to get sorted and I started to be able to cough again but sadly I had developed a chest infection so had to stay yet another night and be started on antibiotics.

Around 5pm on Thursday, everything I was drinking I was bring back up. Which wasnt good as aparently this operation is supposed to stop me from being able to vommit. So they done an urgent xray to find out what was going on...I had a bowel obsturction - twist in my bowel so I was put nil by mouth and given fluids. To top things off my pain releif was reduced as they needed to wake my bowel up as it had gone to sleep.

So not only have I got operation pain but also have my agonising hip pain back.

The weekend has been pretty uneventful other than me being depressed and thinking about everything and also being in far to much pain.

I am hoping to leave tomorrow but currently I am still vomiting everything I try to eat/drink which isnt right.

My consultant in Birmingham has also requested and MRI scan of my hip to find out what is going on as they think its highly likely to be linked to my steroids. Perfect!!

Well thats my ramble for now.

TTFN

XXXX

All Done

Well yesterday at 1230 lunchtime I had the call to go down to theatre to have my fundoplication.

We got told that the op would take 45 mins and that I may need to go to HDU afterwards.

3 hours later and everyone worrying sick, I finally came out of theatre, the oporation went smoothly and they found a heria so fixed that whilst they were in there.

Sadly my lungs couldnt cope 100% and my oxygen levels dropped so they kept me on the ventilator for a little bit longer to help my lungs. Once they picked up I went to recovery and I slowly improved.

I was allowed to get back to the ward at around 1830 so altogether I was out for 6 hours. A lot longer than I was told.

I have 5 holes and a swollen tummy but thats the least of my worries.

Currently im still on oxygen as my oxygen levels keep dipping off it but thatll soon get better.

Im not allowed any food at all for ayleast 2 days so it is pure liquid for me which to be honest isnt bothering me much as even swolling my tablets is hard.

Im hoping to either go hone later tonight or tomorrow depends on how the respiratory team are with me

All is well for now and ill keep you posted.

TTFN

XXXX

Struggling

With another admission luming to hospital I cant help but keep getting flash backs from my last admission and previous admissions.

Ok this time there is a difference as its not an emergency and its not an asthma attack. Im going in for surgery.

Im struggling to sleep again because it seems that everytime I close my eyes im reliving the terrible times ive had and its scaring the poop out of me.

I dont know what to do, the relationship with my mum has changed because she has a new man in her life so I dont feel I can talk to her and my other half is back in her home town so I dont want to worry her when there is over 100 miles between us.

Shall I mention things to one of my link nurses when in Birmingham to see whether they can help at all or do anything or am I just being daft.

Whats also not helping is being on this silly diet and only getting about 1000 calories a day. I have no energy and just feel drained. Surely this also inst good for surgery.

Well theres my worries for now!!

Ill keep you posted for how I get on

TTFN

XXXX

The Call

Yesterday I had the call from Birmingham telling us there was a bed free on the respiratory ward.

Five hours later and we arrive. The traffic was hell, from post holiday drivers to accidents to road works to pure phantom traffic.

Mums new boyfriend came with us, and although I was pissed off at first for mum not asking me and also telling me that my girlfriend couldnt come coz the hospital wouldnt allow it, he was great, made me chuckle and really relaxed the whole situation. I have to admit its great that he is being so involved and supportive and helpful, the complete opposite to what mum old partner was like.

The doc came and said that basically all they are doing is increasing my steroids and giving me oxygen if I need it.

Have to admit im a little narcked off that ive been admitted 4 days pre op just to up my steroids.

They still insistes on cannulating me and it took 6 attempt. I was meant to be having a picc line but the doc said that wouldnt happen over the weekend.

Altogether I think its pretty shabby how the whole situation has gone, but I am bow here so I have to sit and wait.

I am on day 13 of my liquid diet and weirdly Ive lost no weight at all this week, really bizarre considering im only having 1000 calories if that a day.

Well I should stop ranting now but ill keep you all updated.

TTFN

XXXX

Ps the pictures are of my lovely photo frame that I have of my and my girlfriend and hanging off it is the special healing stones she purchased me as a gift. Also of my new spongebob pjs and my injuries already.

One Down One To Go

Its been one week already of me being on a complete liquid diet. Three shakes a day and a bit of yoghurt. In week on I have lost 9lb in weight. Dont get me wrong I am over the moon with having lost so much weight but I an so hungry and craving just a small amoubt of food.

Last week it was really easy as I was at the other halfs house and she has been doing it with me to give me some support (though ive made her have a meal in the evening) but now that Im back home it just seems to be harder. It hasnt helped that mum has baked my fave cake, has my fave biscuits in the house and has also just purhased chocolate. You would think with her being my mum she would be a little more supportive.

I guess im just going to have to push on for that bit longer as itll effect my surgery.otherwise.

My surgery is due to happen next tuesday so not long now and fingers crossed my life could change drastically.

On another note Im super pissed off as mum has just told me her new fella (of just ONE) month is moving in. The reason this pisses me off is because she point blank refused my other half from moving in as aparently there isnt room for three. I then said to her fine ill be paying you less money then as there is three people here and she told me no I will be paying her the same amount. Ever feel that she wants me here just for money!?

TTFN

XXXX

The Start!!

As of yesterday I have two weeks and one day untill my surgery. I have to admit I am officially now starting to shit myself.

Yes ok mum is going to be there, (only just with persuation might I add) but the last time I had an operatio where they knocked me out I stopped breathing. That was before my asthma was as bad as what is is now. So yes, I can officially say im SCARED!!

Worst of all, ive told the girlfriend that she can be with me before the surgery (so now) and the time post the surgery. She really wants to go up the day im having the operation but ive refused to let her. Purely for the fact that the hospital isnt in the safest of areas and im worried about her being on her own at certain times of the day. I kind of wish she was here for the day of the surgery!!

The other bad thing about this surgery is, I cant eat food for two weeks before the operstion and for a fair few amount of weeks after. My surgeon has told me I need to have three liquid slimfasts a day and a bit of yoghurt inbetween them. I am sick of them already and yesterday was my first day.

I dont know how im going to survive.

IM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW

TTFN

XXXXX

Perfection

Wednesday came back around and I picked up my lovely lady from the train station again.

Perfection!!

We havnt done a great deal other than bargain dvd shop, take the pup for a walk, dvd watch and erm well thats about it really.

I have to say its the simplest of things in life that literally are just perfection!!

I wouldnt know what I would do with out my other half now, life just seems like she was always there. Like she always existed in my life even though it has only been 9 months.

Tomorrow I have to start my liquid only diet in preperation for my surgery in two weeks time.

Im not looking forward to all this liquid or the surgery.

I hope with all my power this surgery makes my asthma settle down and that I will be able to get off some tablets. Also so that I can stop being a frequent flyer at our local hospital!!

TTFN

XXXX