Vets, Pain and Feeling sad.

This morning was a blinking early start but sadly it had to be done. Our little girlie Dixie had to go to vets for her third lot of injections and also to be micro chipped. I was already worried about the pain it would cause her because of when I went with mum when she had a puppy. My partners mum went in with the nurse first and came out as if nothing happened so I guessed it may not be as bad now a days. In we both go with our pooch being optimistic about it all. First up was the injection, the needle itself didnt actually hurt her but the fluid did when it was going in. She wimpered and shuffled across the table to us both. We just looked at each other feeling helpless. Next up was the microchip. Looking at the needle, to me it just looked like an average size needle that I get stuck in me when I go into hospital. Again, the needle didnt hurt Dixie, but when they slid in the chip she yelled...and everyone in the pets at home store heard her aswell. We both looked at each other again, gave her lots if hugs and attention, and gave her the treat we braught with us. She bled a lot, which we are also super suprised by. The good thing is, that she does need any more needles being stabbed into her untill next year, and as of today she is now allowed on walks in the public. We are excited about going to the beach, this is great as shes a huge digger so will be right in her element and also gets to go in the sea. After our big ordeal at the vets, we decided that taking her for a walk this affternoon would be to much, so we settled down and watched a film. Myself and the other half snuggled on the sofa like the goid old days, these moments remind me just how much I love her. On the other hand, there are still massive issue with her mum and her attitude. She always has to be right, even though shes blatently wrong. She is insiting on cooking first every meal time which is also pissing us off. I change my nebs to 1730 because she would always cook from around 1800 -1830. Which generally meant we were having to eat stupidly late which wasnt helping our weightloss. But low and behold, the minute we change our arrangements, she changes hers, uses every pan we were going to use and then doesnt clean it up, so we are delayed even more. Like tonight, she cooked, then we had to, and whilst we were finishing off, she barged into the kitchen and started doing her pudding. Bearing in mind, the kitchen is bloody tiny and theres no room to swing a cat, let alone have three peaople cooking whilst also juggling 2 puppies. She then gets pissy at my other half about simple things like not scratching her mums bad on demand and also not looking after her pup whilst she has her pudding...even though weve not even started our tea. Everything else in life is plodding on...but bloody hell, her mum is doing my freaking head in, and I fear the stress may actually make it extremely hard for us to get pregnant. Oh well, only time will tell. TTFN XXXX

Money, Money, Money

Everything lately involves money. Earlier this month, we found out that we have infact been paid £200 less each month from the job centre than what we thought as they failed to inform us. We had been wondering why each month we seemed to be dipping into my DLA payout from last February. And now we know why. The pain in the ass thing about this is that not only has christmas just passed, but it was also my birthday, plus valentines day, plus a years anniversary from me and my partner having been engaged. We also had to change over my car insurance which cost extra for the initial payment, plus we had double pet insurance for it being the initial payment, then Dixie became poorly and we had to rush her to the vets, and we also had to go to Birmingham twice for my appointments. Ontop of all this, because I am struggling each month, im cancelling my storage unit and selling everything thats in it. Last year to drop my unit it cost £25, now they want to take £120. I told them the reason im cancelling my storage is because I dont have the mo thly £53 let alone the amount they want today. They werent impressed so have given me till the 7th March to pay it off. It is literally all about money. Everyone wants it when we dont have it. Thankfully I have been a little OCD with saving because me and my partner desperately want a baby, so now we have needed to start dipping into this. Were not best pleased, but what else can we do!? The government dont want to help us, and the bills need to be paid. More stress to add to what we have. TTFN XXXX

Ways To Cope

After seeing the psychologist in Birmingham at the beginning of February, she told me a few things to try and do whilst the referal is made to my local team for more regular help and closer monitoring. One of those tasks were to draw what goes on in my head and some how make it into something funny or to write meaning full words/sentences to show the positive side of things for having survived. So far I have done 5 pictures. Its taking me a little while because im finding that as im drawing them, im getting a lot of flash backs and its making me really sad. Along with this, I also dont want my partners parents knowing everything about me as I dont want them sticking their two pennies worth into it. When it comes to this mental health stuff, I want the help of a professional and only them. Here are the pictures ive drawn so far!! TTFN XXXX

Dentist Disapointment

I final managed to get to a NHS dentist after 4 months of being on the waiting list. Horray...or not so it seems. When they rang me to tell of the surgery that will have me, I rexplained that I am disabled and not very good on stairs, they said this was ok and sent me the details to make an appointment. The only perfect thing about this surgery is that it is very local. The rest goes down hill. To get into my surgery you have to go up two flights of stairs (er what happened to disabled friendly). My actual dentist funnily enough has ubber bad breath which is really off putting when your led there breathing through your nose sucking in his aroma and the last bad thing is. The dentist doesnt seem to have heard about asthma, strange one I thought. As suspected though, it was about time for my steroids and nebisers to start effecting my teeth, and in two weeks I now need to have treatment. Im really not looking forward to it as the last NHS dentist I saw in Bristol butchered my mouth and has put me iff ever since. On good notes though, my oral hygiene is good!! Ill let you know how it goes in two weeks!! TTFN XXXX

Becoming Aware

Today I received my indepth letter from the Birmingham psychologist after my appointment with her on the 5th of February. To an outside person or sombody medical like my local consultant or my potential new local psychologist this is one fantastic letter, but for me, it just hits home for how "poorly" my mind actually is. She startes that I have moderatly high post traumatic stress which is both on intrusions and avoidance and my scoring on one of the tests I had to do on the day was 59. Aparently the cut off period for the score is 33 so mine is pretty bad concidering. I still find it hard to know that there is something wrong and that if I hadnt of left it so long and tried fighting it myself then it potentially wouldnt have got tjis baf. I guess we learn from our mistakes hey!! I have tried doing some of the techniques that the psychologist taught me to do. Ive currently now drawn three pictures which are the nightmares Im getting made humorous. Ive also been doing a meditation technique called leaves on a stream. Ive had to hold back a little though because it has been getting really intense and really scaring me, making me want to cry all the time. It is also making me feel even more vunerable, and im trying my best to not let the other half see this. I dont want her to worry. I will of course let her read the three page letter if she likes, but if she wants to talk about it, itll have to ve later when her parents arnt around as I dont want them getting involved in my life. Yes they are technically now my family, but not directly, and I dont want everyone knowing my business. I am very much a private person and physically talking to people is hard. I never like the responses I get, they are either sad, cry worthy of negetive or on the other had, they are those annoying positive results which yes in reality would be good, but unless your living that particular life you will never know how hard it actually is!! Admittedly it is all starting to hit home and I am ready to break down but I dont want to make everyo.e else sad. Maybe I should start think about myself once in a while...if only it was that easy hey. Well I think that was a complete and utter bit of randomness and I bet half if it doesnt make sense...well welcome to my head ha. TTFN XXXX

Better Week Than Last

This week has been a little all over the place, on Monday I had to go and have bloods take as my phosphate keeps dropping for no particular reason, and when I rang up for the results today it seems that it has drooped again. We now have to wait as see for how this can be treated. My other galf also started a volunteering post at Bernados children charity which she is going to be doing every Monday. Im so pleased that she has found the courage to do something like this as it gives her a sense of purpose whilst also allowing her to make new friends. Once I had picked her up, I suprised her with a little picnic and our pup and we went and had a "naughty hot chocolate" at a local woods. Tuesday was my birthday. Admittedly I wasnt looking forward to it at all as for the past ten years since my nan died on my thirteenth birthday they have always been crap or domething bad has happened. This year though was suprisinglt alright. Me and the lady went and had a costa drink at lunch time and then in the evening we had a table booked at pizza hut. This was chosen as the lady has never ever been to pizza hut, or any pizza place infact and I absolutly love the cookie dough pudding. I also had lots of mini ice cream cone birthday cakes made for me which were absolutly scrummy. Wednesday was a dvd day. The weather was so bad that it was to dangerous for us to go anywhere. We also had to bring the rabbits indoors because they had been blown over. I realy though that our grampher rabbit Spice would have died through trauma just because of his age but thankfully all is great. Yesterday was a special day for me and my girlfriend as it was this time last year that we done a sponsored walk for asthma uk and in the evening she had proposed to me. So we have now been engaged for a year. My other half wanted to make it all special for me so cooked heart shaped pancakes for breakfast and then in the afternoon she cooked a three course meal to which I have to say was bloody lush. Its valentines day to day and yet again the weather is shocking. We gave each other presents this morning. I got some choc a block rocky rock hot chocolate, a bracelet and a genie lap to make my three biggest wishes come true and I gave my lady two chocolate roses and a photo book of our last year together. We also decided to go swimming to burn off all the rubbish weve eaten this week as we want to continue our weightloss. This afternoon though we have a challenge on our hands as for the first time we are going to be puttingvour two baby rabbits Norbert and Gizmo in the same hutch. They have been in the run together plenty of times but never in the same hutch. Wish us luck TTFN XXXX

Wish Things Would Change!!

A year and a half ago, or there abouts, I had decided enough was enough with my asthma and treatment that I got refered to a specialist in Birmingham who for everyone else had done wonders for. I built my hopes up and kept thinking of how perfect my life is going to be once he sorts my lungs out. Yes granted he diagnosed me with brittle asthma, proved I didnt have VCD and also found I had severe reflux to the point if needing surgeryc to which he then arranged. This is all fantastic. For last Wednesdays appointment, we had been having email discussions for potentially future treatment, so I couldnt wait... I had four appointments booked for that whole day, the first being with the psycologist. She was absolutly lovely, diagnosed me with having PTSD and said that I need to be seen weekly for having specific treatment, so geres bomb shell number one: because I live in Cornwall she didnt think it was appropriate that I drove to Birmingham weekly to have this treatment so shes writing to my local team to see if they will help, and I have to pray like mad that I get on as well with the next team. Following this I was meant to have a reversability test, this never happened as the technician was flapping about the time and that she was running late. Er yeah, not my fauly lovey!! After this I was then to see my consultant, admittedly I was excited at the prospect of having new treatment and the possibility my life could change...I couldnt have been more wrong, and here's where my second bomb shell of the week hit. I have been told that my lungs are to damaged and that I am too poorly and uncontrolled for them to do any more for me. Because of what I just mentioned, I am not allowed onto any clinical trial because it would put my life at risk and potentially kill me so I have to stay on all my current medication and pray that in the very near future, a wonder drug gets invented and becomes perfect for me. Untill then, my consultant has said that I will now slowly deteriorate both lungs and muscles wise. Im devestated!! My last appointment was physio, and y this point I just wanted to leave, I couldnt be bothered now, I want my bed, I wanted to cry, and most of all I wanted to be left alone. Following all this, we also had planned that two days later myself and my partner were going to a clinic. In Cardiff to start a family...and heres where the final bombshell hit us. They would not help us gain this dream because im on long term steroids and they would also worry about the pressure on my lungs carrying a child, and they wont let my partner carry a child because her BMI is slightly to high. It sucks, if we werent a same sex couple we could naturally have our own child, no matter what tablets I was in nor what any of our weight was like. I find it unfair that anyone can deny you of a child for these reasons. We have come back home now and we are back with our very scatty Dixie, but my head is still very much depressed and my flash backs have rocketted. I hope things sort out soon. Its just bollocks that for the 10th year in a row, my birthday has yet again been ruined!! TTFN XXXX