Happy But Frustration

Ok ok so the main part of the day has been fantastic I took Dixie to the camel trail whilst my other half was at her fitness class and she blinking loved it. Running up and down, and then of course we found a river. She was straight in. Shes such a water puppy, its great to see. With the weather being so great and her amazing reaction with the weather, weve decided that tomorrow we are off to Par beach. Fingers crossed shell remember the beach and continue to love the water. A medical update: I had my clinical psychologist from Birmingham ring me today to check up on my local care and to see how I was coping with my severe PTSD. I had to explain to her that the local care has infact failed. Ive had no follow up so ive been trying to keep coping on my own. Lets just say shes not impressed at all. In other medical news, my lungs have remained cruddy, sats still dropping and needing lots of salbutamol. Im still subconsciously ignoring it though as I want to live my life. Im not giving into my asthma. I refuse. In complete other situations (the other half of my title), im getting really upset and frustrated with my mother in law. Shes picking fault with everything we are doing and constantly causing arguments. Its driving me insane. I dont feel like a 23 year old anymore. I feel as though im 10 again, living with my mum constantly being dictated to. Im pretty sure it shouldnt happen. Ok granted I ignor all the arguing between my partner and her mum untill it involves me but with how my mental health is its driving me further down. I reay have no idea what to do. I feel the only solution is to move out but untill theres something withing the council we cant. Its making me feel crap!! I have a huge headache now so im off to sleep now. TTFN XXXX

Becoming Aware

Today I received my indepth letter from the Birmingham psychologist after my appointment with her on the 5th of February. To an outside person or sombody medical like my local consultant or my potential new local psychologist this is one fantastic letter, but for me, it just hits home for how "poorly" my mind actually is. She startes that I have moderatly high post traumatic stress which is both on intrusions and avoidance and my scoring on one of the tests I had to do on the day was 59. Aparently the cut off period for the score is 33 so mine is pretty bad concidering. I still find it hard to know that there is something wrong and that if I hadnt of left it so long and tried fighting it myself then it potentially wouldnt have got tjis baf. I guess we learn from our mistakes hey!! I have tried doing some of the techniques that the psychologist taught me to do. Ive currently now drawn three pictures which are the nightmares Im getting made humorous. Ive also been doing a meditation technique called leaves on a stream. Ive had to hold back a little though because it has been getting really intense and really scaring me, making me want to cry all the time. It is also making me feel even more vunerable, and im trying my best to not let the other half see this. I dont want her to worry. I will of course let her read the three page letter if she likes, but if she wants to talk about it, itll have to ve later when her parents arnt around as I dont want them getting involved in my life. Yes they are technically now my family, but not directly, and I dont want everyone knowing my business. I am very much a private person and physically talking to people is hard. I never like the responses I get, they are either sad, cry worthy of negetive or on the other had, they are those annoying positive results which yes in reality would be good, but unless your living that particular life you will never know how hard it actually is!! Admittedly it is all starting to hit home and I am ready to break down but I dont want to make everyo.e else sad. Maybe I should start think about myself once in a while...if only it was that easy hey. Well I think that was a complete and utter bit of randomness and I bet half if it doesnt make sense...well welcome to my head ha. TTFN XXXX

The Return

Finally 10 days later and I have come home from hospital.

Before I left, I had my tummy holes re steri stripped back up as there are still massive holes compared to wat they should be.

I also got told that they think the operation may not have worked. The reason theu think this is because I still cant keep food and drinking down properly. I am a little dissapointed with this but I guess what can I do!?

Before I left I also told the asthma team that I really not coping mentally, with the reason tragedy of Dawn who was such a fantastic friend to me along with all my itu admissions, poor hospital treatment and all the new diagosis its just all getting on top of me and I just want to end everything. So if figured maybe its about time I got things sorted.

Today I had my gp ring me with the results of my xray that I had before my operation and suprise suprise I have yet another bomb shell. I have a deteriorated femoral head which basically in simple terms, I have avascular necrosis. Which has added to my depression and hit me hard

I havnt told mum how Im feeling as we dont seem to be as close anymore. She seems so much more interested in her new boyfriend than me so I guess its another thing im going to have to keep on my shoulders!!

Well thats enough sadness for one hour.

TTFN

XXXX

My Recent Adventures

8 days ago I got admitted to heartlands in preperation for my operation which was on Tuesday.

I went down at 1230 and got told I would be 45 minutes. 3 hours later the finally take me off the ventilator. The reasons for this was because my lungs had a massive disagreement dropped their sats and started to struggle. So as you can tell I worried a lot of people.

I finally got back to the ward at 6pm or there after and wasnt really with it at all.

The pain was so bad I really didnt know what to do with myself. It doesnt help that I couldnt have local in my tummy because Im allergic to it.

The next day was still pretty much the same, still loads of pain, unable to breath properly or cough so they upped all my pain releif in the hope it would sort things.

Thursday was going good. Pain was starting to get sorted and I started to be able to cough again but sadly I had developed a chest infection so had to stay yet another night and be started on antibiotics.

Around 5pm on Thursday, everything I was drinking I was bring back up. Which wasnt good as aparently this operation is supposed to stop me from being able to vommit. So they done an urgent xray to find out what was going on...I had a bowel obsturction - twist in my bowel so I was put nil by mouth and given fluids. To top things off my pain releif was reduced as they needed to wake my bowel up as it had gone to sleep.

So not only have I got operation pain but also have my agonising hip pain back.

The weekend has been pretty uneventful other than me being depressed and thinking about everything and also being in far to much pain.

I am hoping to leave tomorrow but currently I am still vomiting everything I try to eat/drink which isnt right.

My consultant in Birmingham has also requested and MRI scan of my hip to find out what is going on as they think its highly likely to be linked to my steroids. Perfect!!

Well thats my ramble for now.

TTFN

XXXX

All Done

Well yesterday at 1230 lunchtime I had the call to go down to theatre to have my fundoplication.

We got told that the op would take 45 mins and that I may need to go to HDU afterwards.

3 hours later and everyone worrying sick, I finally came out of theatre, the oporation went smoothly and they found a heria so fixed that whilst they were in there.

Sadly my lungs couldnt cope 100% and my oxygen levels dropped so they kept me on the ventilator for a little bit longer to help my lungs. Once they picked up I went to recovery and I slowly improved.

I was allowed to get back to the ward at around 1830 so altogether I was out for 6 hours. A lot longer than I was told.

I have 5 holes and a swollen tummy but thats the least of my worries.

Currently im still on oxygen as my oxygen levels keep dipping off it but thatll soon get better.

Im not allowed any food at all for ayleast 2 days so it is pure liquid for me which to be honest isnt bothering me much as even swolling my tablets is hard.

Im hoping to either go hone later tonight or tomorrow depends on how the respiratory team are with me

All is well for now and ill keep you posted.

TTFN

XXXX

Struggling

With another admission luming to hospital I cant help but keep getting flash backs from my last admission and previous admissions.

Ok this time there is a difference as its not an emergency and its not an asthma attack. Im going in for surgery.

Im struggling to sleep again because it seems that everytime I close my eyes im reliving the terrible times ive had and its scaring the poop out of me.

I dont know what to do, the relationship with my mum has changed because she has a new man in her life so I dont feel I can talk to her and my other half is back in her home town so I dont want to worry her when there is over 100 miles between us.

Shall I mention things to one of my link nurses when in Birmingham to see whether they can help at all or do anything or am I just being daft.

Whats also not helping is being on this silly diet and only getting about 1000 calories a day. I have no energy and just feel drained. Surely this also inst good for surgery.

Well theres my worries for now!!

Ill keep you posted for how I get on

TTFN

XXXX

The Call

Yesterday I had the call from Birmingham telling us there was a bed free on the respiratory ward.

Five hours later and we arrive. The traffic was hell, from post holiday drivers to accidents to road works to pure phantom traffic.

Mums new boyfriend came with us, and although I was pissed off at first for mum not asking me and also telling me that my girlfriend couldnt come coz the hospital wouldnt allow it, he was great, made me chuckle and really relaxed the whole situation. I have to admit its great that he is being so involved and supportive and helpful, the complete opposite to what mum old partner was like.

The doc came and said that basically all they are doing is increasing my steroids and giving me oxygen if I need it.

Have to admit im a little narcked off that ive been admitted 4 days pre op just to up my steroids.

They still insistes on cannulating me and it took 6 attempt. I was meant to be having a picc line but the doc said that wouldnt happen over the weekend.

Altogether I think its pretty shabby how the whole situation has gone, but I am bow here so I have to sit and wait.

I am on day 13 of my liquid diet and weirdly Ive lost no weight at all this week, really bizarre considering im only having 1000 calories if that a day.

Well I should stop ranting now but ill keep you all updated.

TTFN

XXXX

Ps the pictures are of my lovely photo frame that I have of my and my girlfriend and hanging off it is the special healing stones she purchased me as a gift. Also of my new spongebob pjs and my injuries already.

One Down One To Go

Its been one week already of me being on a complete liquid diet. Three shakes a day and a bit of yoghurt. In week on I have lost 9lb in weight. Dont get me wrong I am over the moon with having lost so much weight but I an so hungry and craving just a small amoubt of food.

Last week it was really easy as I was at the other halfs house and she has been doing it with me to give me some support (though ive made her have a meal in the evening) but now that Im back home it just seems to be harder. It hasnt helped that mum has baked my fave cake, has my fave biscuits in the house and has also just purhased chocolate. You would think with her being my mum she would be a little more supportive.

I guess im just going to have to push on for that bit longer as itll effect my surgery.otherwise.

My surgery is due to happen next tuesday so not long now and fingers crossed my life could change drastically.

On another note Im super pissed off as mum has just told me her new fella (of just ONE) month is moving in. The reason this pisses me off is because she point blank refused my other half from moving in as aparently there isnt room for three. I then said to her fine ill be paying you less money then as there is three people here and she told me no I will be paying her the same amount. Ever feel that she wants me here just for money!?

TTFN

XXXX

The Start!!

As of yesterday I have two weeks and one day untill my surgery. I have to admit I am officially now starting to shit myself.

Yes ok mum is going to be there, (only just with persuation might I add) but the last time I had an operatio where they knocked me out I stopped breathing. That was before my asthma was as bad as what is is now. So yes, I can officially say im SCARED!!

Worst of all, ive told the girlfriend that she can be with me before the surgery (so now) and the time post the surgery. She really wants to go up the day im having the operation but ive refused to let her. Purely for the fact that the hospital isnt in the safest of areas and im worried about her being on her own at certain times of the day. I kind of wish she was here for the day of the surgery!!

The other bad thing about this surgery is, I cant eat food for two weeks before the operstion and for a fair few amount of weeks after. My surgeon has told me I need to have three liquid slimfasts a day and a bit of yoghurt inbetween them. I am sick of them already and yesterday was my first day.

I dont know how im going to survive.

IM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW

TTFN

XXXXX

When It Comes To An End

Since my last admission from Bristol hospital I have had my lovely lady staying with me and helping me out. We have been through so much it has been a little hectic. We have stayed for a little while at my mums whilst I recovered initially, then we had to dash back to Cornwall as the other half had an appointment. As you know I had to come back to my mums as she fell poorly, but of course I braught the other half back with me again. all of these times we were chilling and movie watching waiting for my body to pick back up again. which seems to be taking a while. During the last 1 or 2 weeks we have been to a charity fun day where I did my first stint of being a photographer. I have to say it was a little scary but I loved it and cant wait to get stuck in doing more challenges like it. A day later we then drove to bristol where we stayed at my dads for a little while. On the Monday we went to Bristol Zoo as the other half has never been there and I havent been there in so many years that it all changed. Her face was amazing throughout it all, she had seen so many new animals that she hasnt seen before that it make me feel great knowing that she has done something new. Tuesday came round and we had to drive to Birmingham as I had an appointment. This appointment sucked a little though as I got told that my body has become allergic to itself which is why I am having so many allergic reaction. End result being, I have to take another drug, and the other half got taught how to use and Epi pen just incase I couldnt manage to do it myslef. Wednesday arrived and we went and met up with some of my firends and their new little baby. My beautiful lady loved meeting them and has said they are definatly coming to the wedding *Result* c: A day of Gromit hunting on the Thursday. Something both myself and the other half has never done before, we were both knackered by the end of the day but managed to fine 30 out of the 80 Gromits, have a picnic at Cabot tower and generally have a lush time exploring Bristol together. Ever been to Brighton...well we drove their with two of our other friends and we landed in the worst hotel imaginable, we had to park 10 mins away in a shopping centre car park which we didnt have any money back on. We were on the fourth floor and the beds where like sleeping on newspaper. ok this was crap, but I was with my lady and that was AMAZING!! Brighton pride took place on the Saturday which was the reason why we went to Brighton in the first place. We had a great day, the weater was nice to us and we got to see Lucy Spraggon performing live...absolutly epic she was!! Sadly though I had an allergic reation so had to go to the medical tent to get checked over. Only two antihistamines were needed though thankfully. Sunday...the dread day of them all. I ended up driving 14 hours from Brighton to Cornwall, to Bristol and then back to Bridgwater. It massively killed me to the point I was vomitting non stop from a massive migrane. Ended up having to go to my local hospital to get IM anti sickness just so I could keep all my asthma treatment medicine down. So all in all a massively hectic week. I am now back home on my own...untill tomorrow when my lovely lady is catching the train back to me as we are going to pay a visting to Bristol International Balloon Fiesta as she has never been before. lets hope the weather stays nice for us...else we will be going in the rain!! Well makes a change having a nice blog for once hey!! TTFN XXXX

My Adventure To Birmingham

Birmingham was on Wednesday, and wow what an adventure it was.

We didnt think at first that we would make it, with all the rain we had just missed the flooding in the next town down and within 2 junctions we had just passed 3 smashed up cars. With setting off at 8 AM *yawn* we made it to Birmingham by about 11ish I think...thank goodness for my road trip selection on the ipod.

The craft section of the German market we decided to visit was lush. Mum got a bag with her birthday money from nan, and I got some super ace rose lights. Sadly though as I took so long with walking we had to leave the rest and go to my appointment at Heartlands, but mum was cool and took me back for the rest after...which took we even longer to walk around. I got some amazeballs gingerbread, pretzles and nuts though mmmmmmmm.

My Sexy Rose Lights

My ubber lush pretzle

Fantastic Lights

Ok so the main point of this blog: Heartlands. A bit of mixed emotions about it if I must say. Not sure whether its good or bad really!!

Long story short, they basically wont let me stop any medications still, but have increased my antihistamine yet again and started more antibiotics. They are refusing to let me have surgery on my stomach to stop my reflux untill my lung function is a lot better. Im being tested for something called steroid myopathy so that could be interesting. Want me to send off yet more gunk to see if they can grow anything. Im also being told they are keeping a close eye on me so I have to go back again within 8 weeks-oh and my observatios where shocking and they wouldnt take me just walking ip the stairs as an excuse, damn . (Atleast theres and excuse to go shopping in Birmingham hey!!)

I think thats what they mainly said, its still a little muffled in my brain with it being to much to take in again.

TTFN

XXXX

What A Blinking Day Hey!!

When I woke up this morning, I was in a good mood, I was happy, cheery and ready for the day a head...and then I went down stairs, bad move I say!!

My now ex stepdad was sat in the lounge with mum, and as he was getting ready to sod off to work, he was ranting away...about me!!

He told my mum how its my fault he is in debt, because he has had to spend out extra money on food and bills etc and im not paying him anything. (may I add here that I still get no finacial help, Im still not allowed to work, and when I do have a bit of money, I get my own bit of food and I always give mum any spare bit of cash I have) so yes this majorly upset me as hes not my dad, I have a perfectly good dad but u fortunatly he lives 50miles away from me and works all hours so it wasnt suitable for me to move in with him!!
Once he had said this, he then blames the above situation on not being able to pay mum back!!
He also then went on to say he is spending much needed cash on hospital car parks...for one im sorry I have to go to so many clinics and my asthma is so uncontrolled at the minute, and secondly, he has never once visited me whilst I have been an inpatient so I dont have a clue what he is yabbing about!!

Todays second horrid moment was when I got to physio, they discharged me from the knee clinic from the injury I sustained, but have admitted me to the muscle weakness section. my physiotherapist has express large concerns about my lack of muscle mass. He has said that the steroids are having a huge effect on them and said my muscles are basically none existant!! I now have to go weekly for the next six weeks. He didnt even want me to wait till my appointment in Birmingham on Wednesday. Though he also mentioned that the physio may not actually do much whilst im still on the steroids, if anything what may happen is the wasting will just slow down a little. My response to that-its better than nothing being done at all!!

The third and final cruddy moment for today is that when I get back from physio, the prat I mentioned above decided to say to me "so you actual found your muscles now and stop being lazy". This really hurt me, as I havnt chosen to be like this, yes it has made me whole I am today but if i had healthy lungs and could be like any other 21 year old, I would certainly choose that path!!

 Just because him and my mum have split, does it really give him the right to treat me this way, talk to me like he does and actually make me feel rubbish!?  because in my eyes, no one should make anyone feel like that!!

On a good note, Birmingham on Wednesday, with a trip around the German market!! Quality time with the mother!!

TTFN

XXXX