Its Official

We had the council man come around at 10am as planned today to check over out current home...during this meeting my partners parents had to decide on whether they wanted to take the bungalow they had been offered. Up untill the moment the council man her parents were still not convinced they wanted to move...and then once he left, they came up and told us they are moving into the bungalow. This now means that myself and my partner have to be out of our current home with in 4 weeks.

We r then officially homless.

Were going to start packing because either way we have to go.

Ive so many emotions right now. Im also scared for my health.

TTFN

XXXX

Whens It Going To End?!

My title is perfect for this present moment in time.

Today, I finally managed to get an emergency appointment at my dentist for the lump in my mouth. I was not impressed though. My appointment was at 1210. I got there at 12 as I hate being late for things. Next thing I know its 1245 and I can hear them nattering about their upcoming weekend so I went to the desk and said not being funny but its pushing on and ive another appointment at 1pm. So the dentist goes back to her room fiddles about and then comes and gets me. I sit in the chair and she said right today we are doing a filling...i stared at her and said i think your not. Im coming as an emergency to get my lump looked out. Finally we get down to business and it turns out i was right. Its something called a Ranula. Unfortunatly though I have to be refered to a surgeon to have surgery to not only remove the lump but also the offending syliva duct and glad as for some unknown reason its become damaged. She also said i need biopses because of how angry it looks...stupid thing is though she said ill here back from the surgeon within 8 weeks. Im not happy especially if it turns out to be Cancer. Im not looking forward to it because what could be a day case procedure cant happen for me. I stop breathing with aneasthetics and need ITU input. Great.

In other news. My in laws went and viewed thier potential new house and when they come back they were happy about how it looked. We now have a man coming on friday to sort this house out and if they like their new place they sign the contract on Friday too. They then get the keys and can move in on Monday. We all also have to be out of this house within 4 weeks. Great.

Im also having a crap day as this time last year i had my second respiratory arrest and im getting really bad flash backs.

Thats all for now

TTFN

XXXX

Still ... Blurgh

Soooooo Things are still crap here. The council have stated they wont help us any sooner untill we are actually homeless because there are a total of 28000 people that need homing and aparently we arnt a priority. Something isnt right here. Not only are we not being helped whilst we have being mentally abused but my health needs dont help us for anything. Not only this but because of my vunerability, according to the charty shelter, were meant to be priority but we arnt we just dont get it. On top of this, i woke up this morning dripping wet but freezing and and giess what my temperature was 38.1 and my peak flow is 280 post neb. Gp says ive got another infection so higher dose steroids and more antibiotics And lastly todah for shit news...the lump that started in my mouth under my tongue over the weekend is now about the size of a golf ball and the dental hospital who i was under last december for the lump on my lip for some reason wont give me an appointment Im so worried as ive had 2 tumors in my body now and it looks like this is a 3rd. Im worried that this lump could be the big c...know idea where i go from here if they wont get me an appointment in the dental hospital. On a good note though, i have the CT scan for my hips last night and will get the results on the 22nd I leave u with the yummy picture of my lump.yum.

TTFN XXXX

Fear

Ever heard of a song called "here is the fear" by Kareb Jones!?

I have!! She sang at my Confirmation when i was 17 and this song has stuck with me. It help me when i was in a house fire a few years ago and it has also helped me when i was in a relationship that turned violent.

It remains with me till this day and i keep playing it in my head right now.

the reasoning behind this is because me and my partner are still in the dark for whether we could be homless for good in a few weeks.

As you know, last friday my partners parents got offered a bungalow to live in instead of this house. Theu have voewed the outside and have measured up all their furniture and are currently waiting for a phone call so they could view the inside.

We of course havnt been told this as such, we just happen to be in the next room and they are talking about everything.

I keep fearing that we wont have anywhere to live. That mine and my partners health is going to deteriorate drastically through all the moves and money worries. I also fear that all this will put me in hospital.

All i want to do now is end my life. If i want around, my partner wouldnt have all thos hell from her family about us. She wouldnt have to move and have the threat of having no house and she would be stable mentally...today i truly cant be botherd. All ive done medication wise is my morning tablets. i dont want to take anything else. If i no longer exist within this house then there is no strain on anyone. No hassle for who i am and no stress for who my partners with.

Fear is the biggest mental worry a human can ever have.

Today its hit me hard

TTFN

XXXX

Rock Bottom Has Hit

Following the rubbish moments from the last few days, today just tops it off.

Downstairs eating breakfast and the phone rings. We think nothing of it because it wasnt for us. My partners dad comes in saying its the council, they had been offered a house. Of course we didnt believe him because theyve been bullshitting for weeks now stating they have been offered places...untill my partners mum comes in still on the phone and it turns out this time they were actually telling the truth.

We had to go out to collect medications and to collect our thoughts about what the heck we were going to do.

On our return home, threre was post. Post from the council for me and my partner. We opened it in anticipation as it was the result from out tribunial with medical letters to make us a higher priority...BUT theyve refused us again. I mean how much worse can mental games, drug errors and self harming be and thats just a very small amount of whats going on.

To be honest we are screwed. My partners parents wont talk to us since theyve been home so we have no idea if they are actually taking this house or not.

The ironik thing is, 3 weeks ago, they refused to ring the council telling them we cant live her anymore as they couldnt cope. They didnt want to take our home away...yet behind our backs theyve been bidding on properties and now potentially making us homeless in a different way.

Weve got another 28 days to send our result to tribunial again so we are hunting for more evidence for us needing to go. I have also wrote a 2 page letter to our local MP to see if he can help.
Ive also been hunting the net for anyone else who can help and ive actually stumbled across a housing association company that specifically helps the young, disabled, frail and mental health community members with housing issues so ive emailed them our situation and im praying they can help  too.
Time shall tell

TTFN

XXXX

Deflation

I couldnt blog yesterday after my clinic appointment because I was still trying to get my head around things.

Basically, in short, the tests my respiratory and immunology consultant have ran these past 8 months have shown that I was born with an abnormal immune system. As a result, because it has been undiagnosed for so long ive now got to the point i have no immune system which explains why im getting so many infections and also taking so long for things to heel. Ive got an appointment now on the 9th September with the immunologist because they want me to have atleast a years worth of IvIg infusions which is in theory a home grown immune system put through an IV drip and pumped into my body. Ill be asking whether this can be done at home and that myself and my partner can be taught to do it as these i fusions could possible be 2 weekly and i really dont want to be driving to plymouth each time which is just under an hour away from my home.

My respiratory consultant has also explained that this problem with my immune system is whats causing me to be both anemic and also have a critically low phosphate. He also explained that it is the cause for my oxygen levels to constantly drop at night. Although this is great news to hear, there is also a frustraiting element. He wont treat any of this for the long term as they wouldnt know if the infusions are having an impact. So i have to have atletast another year of intense migraines every morning whicb im a little miffed about.

After such a stressful and brain wrenching appointment followed by more blood needing to be taken, idecided i needed crap food to eat ha. Myself and my partner know of this amazing american food place in plymouth called goodbodys so we went there. We shared a death by chocolate milkshake which was monster size and is roughly 3 pints worth of drink in one. My partner then had an american breakfast and i had twister fries with cheese and also an american pancake with ice cream and nutella. Yum. Definatly hit the spot.

Today has been yet another shit day.

We woke up and i really didnt want to get out of bed as i was hurting and my muscles were weak from driving yesterday so my girlfriend went and made breakfast for us and we had it in bed. Although staying in bed didnt last long as it turns out that when my girlfriend went down stairs her parents staryed on her again and startted slagging me off big time so i needed to get out the house. We ate, got dressed, got dixie ready and just left. I just want to cry. Ive never been made to feel so shit before, and this time it was all over a bike to which my girlfriends dad then chucked at her that she shouldnt be riding a bike anyway as itll do her lady garden no good (shes got really bad problems with allergies there) i of course have no idea why riding a bike would cause a reaction. I decided it was yet another dig at her trying her bloody hardest to try and loose weight and its disgusting.

To top today off, just as we were leaving, i was stood by my car trying to get the wasps off my door as im allergic to them and a woman comes speeding around the corner and nearly knocks me over. As a result i shook my head a sheer shock as its a 30mph zone. This woman suddenly slams on her breaks, gets out the car and staryts screaming in my face waving her fists round my face. I ofcourse wasnt bothered. If she hit me fine, ill get her arrested. Weirdly, and neitther me or my girflriend dont know why but when she was leaving she shouted at me "go and get urself a road"...funnily enough we are still confuzzled by this comment.
Thankfully there was a witness to which at the time we didnt know about but it was our neighbour up the road that saw everything so if she did hit me, atleast i would have been backed up. He was so worried that the woman was going to run me over.

Oh, one last thing, similar to last December when i had a benign tumor grow on my lip, ive now grown something very similar on the underneath of my tongue. The lump is roughly 1.5cm in width and 3cm long and it is thicker than the size of my tongue which u can imagine is a royal pain in the rear. I cant talk or eat properly now. Im desperatly trying to get hold of the maxifacial surgeon that sorted my last lump as i trust him and no how supportive and helpful he is. Will update u more on this situation as soon as i know more

TTFN

XXXX

Really!?

Ever get so pissed off you dont know how to express it or even deal with it...well thats me today.

For the past year, everything ive done jusg isnt good enough for certain people. My girlfriends parents im mainly talking about.

We decorate our bedroom in january but i got told her dad had to do it as hes better.

We braught my old rabbitt hutch to this house, before we new it as we popped out her dad had built it saying he could do it better...even though i built it first time around.

I start to build our rabbit run, he finishes it saying he was better.

I plant so flowers in the garden in pots, ever day we go down and hes taken over with them again.

Today, i sort out my girlfriend bike so she can start new challenges again. All is safe, she rode it and was comfy and all was working well. Her dad comes up to the bedroom and tells us he will be sorting it tomorrow and cleaning it as hes built bikes since the age of 13...and that doesnt make u any better than me. I too have built bikes, and cars to that fact.

Its pissing me off. Everything i do here is never good enough for them. I mean i dont actualy care how immature they are being about everything. The thing i care about is that its making me feel like shit, constantly being put downand being made to think im never good enough. Its an insult and i hate it.

Im off to be depressed now...that is if i can do that right also!?

TTFN

XXXX