Really!?

Ever get so pissed off you dont know how to express it or even deal with it...well thats me today.

For the past year, everything ive done jusg isnt good enough for certain people. My girlfriends parents im mainly talking about.

We decorate our bedroom in january but i got told her dad had to do it as hes better.

We braught my old rabbitt hutch to this house, before we new it as we popped out her dad had built it saying he could do it better...even though i built it first time around.

I start to build our rabbit run, he finishes it saying he was better.

I plant so flowers in the garden in pots, ever day we go down and hes taken over with them again.

Today, i sort out my girlfriend bike so she can start new challenges again. All is safe, she rode it and was comfy and all was working well. Her dad comes up to the bedroom and tells us he will be sorting it tomorrow and cleaning it as hes built bikes since the age of 13...and that doesnt make u any better than me. I too have built bikes, and cars to that fact.

Its pissing me off. Everything i do here is never good enough for them. I mean i dont actualy care how immature they are being about everything. The thing i care about is that its making me feel like shit, constantly being put downand being made to think im never good enough. Its an insult and i hate it.

Im off to be depressed now...that is if i can do that right also!?

TTFN

XXXX

Depression

Yes i know i keep banging on about it, but for me this is my current life. Its not getting an better right now.

My other half is still getting stupid stupid amounts of hell from her parents. To the point of today her mum left the cooking stuff and our bowls on the side for us to wash as she was refusing to do. My other half left 2 bowls as they werent hers and her mum kicks off. We rsponded by saying she shouldnt have been so pathetic in the first place.

I mean come on really!? Somethings in life really arnt worth arguing about but shes making a huge point to make everything an argument.

I really really hope we can move out of this shit enviornment soon as its making me extremly depressed and ive also put on 5lb in 2 weeks because my diet has been crap through my depression.

On a happy note...Dixie is jumping around the bedroom eating moths...

TTFN

XXXX

Hiding Away

Ok apologies for not having been here for a while.

On Thursday after my mobily scooter assessment (which was a-maze-ing) i was really poorly. I had yet another migraine plus my belly become extremly swollen and i was in agony. So i curled up in a ball and shut the world out.

Back to my scooter assessment though, weve found the perfect scooter and my other half has been taught how to take it apart and reassemble it. Sadly though its going to cost £1249 so unless i cant get the grants from charities im not going to be having it. It felt so amazing on it. i had freedom. I was my independant self again.

Friday was pretty pants. We were running around, going to doctors, posting parcels and my other half went to the gym. I was shattered and suprise suprise, by the end of the morning i had yet another migraine.

Uve decided that im going to the doctors on monday about my migraines as ive been on my increase tablets for a month now with no such luck so something needs to be done.

All weekend ive basically just chilled. We had a BBQ on friday which was nice thougj even at 6pm the heat was to much so i had to go back to bed and sit infront of the fan.

Today we are off to a place called Sibly back lake with Dixie and we are meeting up with 2 friends and their son. At tue moment it looks nice an overcast so im hoping that i wont get a migraine with sitting in my chair not getting away from the sun.

the stress of my other halfs parents have increased yet again and they were in the middle of slagging me off when they realied i could hear everyword as i was stood outside of the window. I felt gutted. Aparently its all my fault that their daughter is now selfish and never spends anytime with them. Im sorry but monday she volunteers at bernardos. Tuesday she goea to the gym. Wednesday she does to yoga. Thursday she goes to the gym and friday we go swimming. Not forgetting caring for me, baking cakes for her business and also taking Dixie for walks. I feel deflated. I dont know what ive done.

TTFN

XXXX

Down Again

To start things off yesterday was HELL!!

Went down to check on the rabbits like normal and Mr Spice still hadnt ate or drank at all. So other than the syringe feeding hes not had anything on his own accord so I rang the vets and we rushed him over there.

We got into the vets and as I predicted, his teeth had overgrown again. Sadly Mr Spice has deformed teeth and he refuses to eat hay so his teeth grown up into his head and around his cheeks. As a result he was in agony and went off his food. He needed emergency surgery. We were waiting around the vets for 7 hours because I didnt want to leave him. With him being 7, there was an 80% chance he wouldnt make it. Thankfully though, he did and he is now back home with us and is an gorgeous as ever!!

Today how ever has just dragged me down that little bit more.

On Saturday we handed out the last of our wedding invites, and lets just say, a fair few people are not impressed at all. Not just because they arnt invited to the ceremony, but because our dads wont be walking us down the aisle, no one is wedding dress shopping with us (as my other half is making her dress) and they have to pay for the evening meal.

Weve literally had non stop hell about how we are doing it.

Today, I dropped my other half off at work, and as soon as I got home her parents near on cornered me and interigated me for why we are doing the wedding the way we are. I told them that the day is about us and we cant afford a big do, to which I couldnt cope with anyway.

It seems like know one is happy for us. From word go, the day we starting seeing each other, someone has had a comment to say...and not nice comments either.

I just dont get it. We r happy, why cant people be happy for us!?

TTFN

XXXX

Another Appointment And Another Bit Of News

Firstly I forgot to say yesterday that I had the doctor ring me to update me about what they have found about my constant low Phosphate and that being: they need to do one more blood test to rule something out but ultimatly Im going to need supplements because my low phosphate is causing ny diaphram to not contract properly which in tern is reducing the amount of oxygen ive got pumping through my body...grand something else I have to battle with.

I also had another appointment in Derriford hospital in Plymouth today. It was with the immunology and allergy clinic. Initially I though this is going to be such a waste of time, they cant tell me anymore than what I know and as a result they cant actually do any more BUT that taught me.

The doctor was lovely, she talked through everything and explained why she had been asked ny lung doctor to review me. Aparently on the bloods they have taken it has shown that I have very little to if no immune system at all...lower than what it should be for a person on steroids so they have figured it is the huge reason for why I am contantly getting infections and constantly feeling poorly.

To see if they can find a treatment, I got given an injection on the spot and I have to have more bloods taken in 6 weeks time. It takes 1 month for the bloods to process ajd then ill get the results. If the bloods r still low following todays injection, I will either have to start more tablets or have an infusion or injections regularly all depending on my results.

She also stated me on a steroid nasal spray and changed me back to my old antihistamines but doubled the dose compared to what I was on.

Sadly though she did tell me that I shouldnt now or if at all every carry children. Not only could it kill me because my body wouldnt cope but half my meds would either harm my baby or cause further complications. Im gutted, there goes our plans for me to carry our first child. I mean its ok coz my partner can carry, but lets face it, its never going to be the same and ill technically never have a child of my own with my DNA etc. Theres always a bomb shell!!

TTFN

XXXX

Pain-Worse Than Ever

Today was they day for the hopefull sorting of the pain in my hip. Waking up at 4am was, well, a massive challenge, but we done it and managed to pull of the drive at exactly 5am as planned. Go timing I say. We arrived at the surgical day unit just in time, managed to just get a seat in the busy waiting area and I was called in. Intially on my own as I hadnt a bloody clue what the heck was going on. I had a HCA start filling out my paperwork, and she got to the pregnancy question. Asked me when my last peroid was to which I told her it was the first week of February. All was dandy, then said, we will have to do a pregnancy test. I said its not possible, im in a gay relationship and im on the pill. She was addiment I needed to do a pregnancy test. I was addiment I wasnt and decided to tell her, if another woman could make me pregnant, we would have the family we are longing for. That was the end of that subject. After, she left the bay so I decided that I was off to get my other half as I couldnt cope with stress or hassel. Once my partner was with me, we carried on filling in more paperwork. She asked my marital status, to which I told her I was cohabiting and this is my partner. She pondered over the question in her head a little, and then I see her writing single. I was even more pissed than before. We continued through the pre op paperwork. Once all this was done and she closed the book, I pointed at the marital status question and said, I told you I was cohabeting. So she asked, well what do you want me to right. I looked at my partner, then looked back at the HCA and said, im in a relationship. The HCA was not happy. I really dont think she likes same sex relationships one bit, and she treated me like a disgusting piece if meat. I was having none of it. Going back to the pre op form, there were other questions like, you can do house hold chores, manage stairs and walk 150 meters ok. She ticked yes for all. Thankfully I saw this again and had to correct her with the fact that actually I can do none of what she said I could. She also said I didnt have aneamia (ill just point out here, she assumed this and I saw the answer again-thankfully) because again I had to correct her that I am aneamic and infact on medication for this. When the theatre staff came to collect me, they asked if they could have some tape to cover up the piercings I couldnt take out. The good old *cough* HCA then decided to chirp up and say "she refused to take out her piercings" thankfully I had a good theatre team, as they arhued with her three times saying, shes not refusing she just cant, and all we are asking for is some tape and all is perfect. It was such hard work. As I was about to leave, my partner gave me a kiss and we said our goodbies...this ticked of the HCA to the limit, she was not impressed that we kissed. Fricking hell I wish I got her name as I would have reported her for being such a bitch about me being gay. After all of the above, we finally managed to get to theatre where I had a good old funny banter with my surgeon and the rest of the theatre staff, which amazingly helped me relax. The procedure hurt like a git, I felt everything and the pain of the fluid going into my hip socket was beyong horrid. Admittedly though, watching my x rays fly up to the screen as the procedure was taking place really was cool, but all in all, id rather not have the procedure done again thanks. I "jumped" onto my wheelchair and we went off to town to meet with my sister to get my birthday present, have a general catch ip, and have a sneaky peek of her ever growing bump. She is huge for 15 weeks. Its mentall. We also managed to get some baby bargains in primark and we also nipped into CEX and got two dvds for my chill out day tomorrow. We managed to get back...just!! I was in agony by the time we got home. Pain reif had worn off and I couldnt take any more as I naughtily had to drive home. I think the driving pushed me over the edge though. Ive bern in bed since I got home, and can barely move, and thats with being dosed up on morphine. Thankfully though, our little puppy (although has aparently been a little shit all day) put a smile straight on my face and gave me beautiful snuggles all evening...and even managed to throw in a few sneaky peak flow tests lol. Ive added a few pictures, im sure you can work out which is which. For now though, im off to get some shut eye in the hope ill blovk out the pain. TTFN XXXX

Thinking, Dreaming, Making

Both myself and my partner have been searching and searching for many months for the right place, and we have finally found it.

I then had the issue that I had just needed a new set of blood tests to see if I had certain genetic disorders.

Now that we have finally found the place we feel suites us, we are going to go for it the minute we get the results of my blood test.

Ok that may be another couple of months but that can help me mentally prepare, right!?

The place that we have found is in Wales though so it will take us roughly 3 hours to get there but we currently feel like we fit in with that clinic and that they have helped us massively, yet we havnt even met them yet.

We have decided to also do egg sharing so that we can help someone who is struggling to have a family just like we are.

We are hoping 2014 will be a great year.

I just hope that my sister doesnt get as pissed with me wanting to start a family as much as she did because I got engaged before her. She needs to realise that my health is deteriorating and not only do I want to be able to carry a baby but I also want to be able to give our child as much as I can physically.

My family hasnt been that supportive for me as of yet so I guess I should realise that they may never be all that happy for me.

I just have to be tough

TTFN

XXXX