Emotions Running High

Two different ends of the spectrum it turned out to be yesterday.

With all the recent news with us now having to move by the 6th October we were getting to the point we needed as much help as possible. Last friday we got assigned a housing officer who had then rang me on Monday to talk things through. We were supposed to receive a huge yellow form to fill out to be able to get us the support for a home. This hadnt arrived so my and my other half woke up super early yesterday and got to the council house by 9am. Doing this ensured there would be no other people waiting in front of us. We also met our housing officer who is amazing. Compared to many other people within the council she really does care and want to help. She helped us fill in all the paperwork, had been looking online to see f there was a private bungalow or flat we can have for now and they would pay the deposite (sadly there are none) and then she said she was off to speak to the homeless team and also increase our banding on the council list. Although this doesnt make me happy as we still have no home, its reasuring to know that we are being helped the best way possible.

Following all this, we then had to drive up to Taunton to pick up my sister, brother in law and baby nephew and then we had to drive over to my mum in Bridgwater.
Our nan was there which was great as weve not seen her in a little while as she lives in Manchester and of course this was the first time to which my nan met both my girlfriend and our baby nephew (her great grandson). The day was amazing. Was such a fantastic experience to be in a room with 4 generations. Was smiling the whole way home.

Of course though im worried about my mum. She has become very poorly with worry about both mine and my girlfriends health and home situation and of course no matter what i say, untill we have a place to go to, she will keep stressing about the sotuation.
On top of this, my mum had to go to the doctors today as she was a little concerened. It turbs out she has a 2cm lump having grown in her breast so shes now been refered for urgery examination, treatment, scanes and biopsies.

Nothing ever runs smoothly in life

TTFN

XXXX

Its Official

We had the council man come around at 10am as planned today to check over out current home...during this meeting my partners parents had to decide on whether they wanted to take the bungalow they had been offered. Up untill the moment the council man her parents were still not convinced they wanted to move...and then once he left, they came up and told us they are moving into the bungalow. This now means that myself and my partner have to be out of our current home with in 4 weeks.

We r then officially homless.

Were going to start packing because either way we have to go.

Ive so many emotions right now. Im also scared for my health.

TTFN

XXXX

Whens It Going To End?!

My title is perfect for this present moment in time.

Today, I finally managed to get an emergency appointment at my dentist for the lump in my mouth. I was not impressed though. My appointment was at 1210. I got there at 12 as I hate being late for things. Next thing I know its 1245 and I can hear them nattering about their upcoming weekend so I went to the desk and said not being funny but its pushing on and ive another appointment at 1pm. So the dentist goes back to her room fiddles about and then comes and gets me. I sit in the chair and she said right today we are doing a filling...i stared at her and said i think your not. Im coming as an emergency to get my lump looked out. Finally we get down to business and it turns out i was right. Its something called a Ranula. Unfortunatly though I have to be refered to a surgeon to have surgery to not only remove the lump but also the offending syliva duct and glad as for some unknown reason its become damaged. She also said i need biopses because of how angry it looks...stupid thing is though she said ill here back from the surgeon within 8 weeks. Im not happy especially if it turns out to be Cancer. Im not looking forward to it because what could be a day case procedure cant happen for me. I stop breathing with aneasthetics and need ITU input. Great.

In other news. My in laws went and viewed thier potential new house and when they come back they were happy about how it looked. We now have a man coming on friday to sort this house out and if they like their new place they sign the contract on Friday too. They then get the keys and can move in on Monday. We all also have to be out of this house within 4 weeks. Great.

Im also having a crap day as this time last year i had my second respiratory arrest and im getting really bad flash backs.

Thats all for now

TTFN

XXXX

Loosing The Will!!

These last 24 to 48 hours mentally for me have been a huge struggle.

Im still struggling to see the future. Im struggling to see what the point is. My health is just going to get worse, i dont want to end up like a vegetable and having everything done for me. Thats no life. Especially when ive had such a full on, busy, outgoing and active lifestyle up untill now.

Some people may say but think about what youve got and what youve achieve so far or even, there are worse people out there...yes thats great but for me, this drastic life change has hit me hard.

How would you feel if youve been told, roughly 10 years time you could be severly disabled or that you cant carry your own children or that if your partner was to have children you will never be able to run around with them at the park etc etc...i have been told all this and the reality behind it sucks.

5 years ago, i was working at bristol childrens hospital as a health care assistant and i bloody loved my job. I also had an acceptance to Surrey University to start my paramedic training and I also got accepted by London Ambulance service as a student paramedic. These last two where to be started after i decided to take a gap year and see what the hospital enviornment was like...it was then a few months later my lungs took a huge turn for the worst ... and then i lost everything. My career, my flat, my life.

I see people running in the street keeping fit and i think to myself, 5 years ago that was me. I would go running every night and then 3 times a week i would do a 6 mile walk followed 40 lengths in the swimmingpool. I can barly walk 30 yeards and only do 20 lengths if that in the pool.

Its gutting.

I hate it.

Why does life have to be so cruel.

Sometimes its difficult hearing other peoples issues to. When you have so much going on in your own life and your own head it makes you feel that little bit worse. Not only because i cant help them but because i know how they feel. I know what its like to have such a drastic life change.

Someone a few months ago passed a comment on facebook to me that i thought was extrermly harsh considering what i use to do and what i try and do now. They posted a photo of a stunning hotel they were staying in and i simply said, you may have to share some of your money so that we can have such lovely holidays...there response was - not being funny but we work hard, earn our money and deserve a break. This tore my heart to shreads as like i said before, i was in a job etc and persuing a massive future. Even now, im still doing photography so its not like im sitting on my arse.

Its things like this that are sticking in my head. Tearing me down and adding to my already complicated PTSD.

My other half still doesnt know the full story of whats going on in my head. It scares me. I cant scare her too. Thats 100% unfair.

Who knows, tomorrow may be different. Ive tried keeping busy today and knitted 5 more NICU hats and the sleeves for the baby cardigan im making. I also had a follow up appointment with the maxifacial specialist after i had a tumor removed from my lip just before christmas...and even this news wasnt perfect as he told me it will grow back and could turn into cancer at any point. Fab hey!!

TTFN

XXXX

Eyes!!

Steroids are a bugger right!? Yes!! But without them my lungs would be erm...shitter than what they are now.

As a downside though you can get loads of nasty side effects, and my body sesms to like to get them all.

Recently,my eyes have been getting a lot lot worse, I already know that I have cateracts, but now im starting to panic that I have glaucoma.

The reason I think this is because Im getting a lot of headaches, even on waking up and my eyes havnt been used, Ive also got these weird little brown spots starting to appear in the iris part of my eyes. On top of this they are also getting a lot blurrier.

Ok I may be think of the extreme or it may just be my cateracts getting worse,but the thought of having glaucoma really scares the shit out of me.

Looks like im off to the opticians on my next pay day!!

TTFN

XXXX

Money Worries!!

I havnt a clue how Im going to get over this, bit I hate it.

Im not short of money as I save a crazy amount each month but each month I panic a ridiculus amount that Im going to run out of money or that Im not going to have enough to pay for all my bills.

We have a little book started this month where we are writing down any extra spendings that we are doing so we can monitor how much money we have left for us to spend on what we like.

Some people may think that doing that is stupid but with me being able to visually see the out goings it some how makes me feel better.

Im so pathetic about it, everytime we are out and I see a cash point I have to check my balance. This will still be done even if I know exactly how much is in there.

I want to get this stressful situation out of my head but I really dont know how Im going to do it...if you can think of any, comments would be greatfully welcome as it really is getting me down.

Anyhow, puppy is awake now so Im off

TTFN

XXXX

Frustration!!

Saturday was an amazing day. Me and the other half decided to invest in a puppy. Dixie is absolutly amazing, I couldnt have asked for anything else.

I have been a little naughty on the night times though. Because of my crappy lungs I dont sleep all that well so when Dixie is awake and winging a little bit, Ive decided for the past two nights to pick her up and cuddle her...yes,I know HUGE bad idea. I hope she wont pick up on it again tonight...or rather I dont give in as easily haha.

Well,the point of this post is because the other halfa mum is massively pissing me off and I have no idea what to do about it.

She also got a puppy on Saturday and wont get off the fucking internet reading about how best to train your new puppy. Shes then telling us all about it and then telling us that we shouldbt do this and we shouldnt do that...because the internet says so. Weve told her we dont care what the internet says, we are our own individual people and we want to teach and train our little girl as we want.

Also, we woke up at 9 today and the other halfs mum had ago at us...because Dixie was meant to be fed at 0730. If she was hungry she would have been awake and moaning, but she wasnt so if we wanna sleep we will!!

Other things are, shes getting nasty if our puppy wees on the floor by accident but then hers does it.

Shell also say that we shouldnt be cuddling Dixie as often as we are as she will become to dependant on us.

There is a whole lot more but I think if I tell you it all I may scare you away.

I want to live my life with my girlfriend and our pets and eventually our children.

To be honest im scared also. If shes treating us like this about a puppy, what the bleeding heck is she gunna do when we have our baby, is she gunna dictate and tell us were doing things wrong...I hope not!!

TTFN

XXXX

My Thoughts For The Day!!

Ive been sat here all day as my lungs have been really rubbish abd my new GP seems to be the worlds biggest waste of space and basically told me if I get worse go to the hospital, dont think he realises I would like to be home this christmas...

So with being sat here, my mind has been giving me every worrying thought possible again (yes of course this has been increase by my yet another increase of steroids). My thoughts at the moment are going back to the lump I had in my mouth and my recent biopsy. I get my results on the 6th January so yes I dont havt long to wait, but its still long enough to have everything do through your head.

I keep thinking the worse. Do I have cancer!? What treatment will I need!? Was it just a random growth that wont need any treatment at all!? These are just the three main things im thinking of.

I just wish the 6th January could come around quicker. Would do me the world of good!!

TTFN

XXXX

Perfection

Wednesday came back around and I picked up my lovely lady from the train station again.

Perfection!!

We havnt done a great deal other than bargain dvd shop, take the pup for a walk, dvd watch and erm well thats about it really.

I have to say its the simplest of things in life that literally are just perfection!!

I wouldnt know what I would do with out my other half now, life just seems like she was always there. Like she always existed in my life even though it has only been 9 months.

Tomorrow I have to start my liquid only diet in preperation for my surgery in two weeks time.

Im not looking forward to all this liquid or the surgery.

I hope with all my power this surgery makes my asthma settle down and that I will be able to get off some tablets. Also so that I can stop being a frequent flyer at our local hospital!!

TTFN

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