Flashbacks, Nightmares And PTSD

Ever had the feeling you were dying, of that you didnt belong, or simply just that you wanted to give up!? Ive suffered these and to this day and far into the future I will continue to suffer these problems. Sadly over the past three or four days ive been having the worst nightmares, flash backs and my PTSD is really flaring up. The one image I keep reliving is one from when I lived on my own in Clevedon. I had wrote about this story before but it was a long time ago so im hoping that maybe talking about it again may lay the history to rest and that little cabinate in my head can lock the memory away. It was roughly 3AM. My lungs were giving me hell again, but it wasnt severe. As a result I rang the good old 111 in the hope to get a doctor out to me or be able to see the doctor at his location. I had an alert on my address and name to which the nurse in the phone had picked up on and told me I was being put through as a priority instantly. Perfect. 5 minutes later and I had the doctor on the phone. As he was worried he told me he was going to send the on call doc that was free and closest to me. He told me the doc would be with me in no later than half an hour. Grand. Three hours later, the doc hadnt turned up and my landline phone couldnt dial out. The last person to phone me hadnt hung up properly at their end. Where I use to live there was also no mobile signal. Unfortunately, by this time I was no struggling really bad. My thoughts of getting the on call doc to me sooner to prevent and admission had failed because they didnt turn up. I remember pressing the emergency system I had set up on my phone and that roughly it for the next few minutes. The next thing I know, there are 4 paramedics and 2 police officers standing around me in my bedroom. My front door had been smashed in by the police. Aparently the paramedics had been ringing the bell but was clearly getting no answer as I was out cold. The paramedics were panicking. The couldnt get a line in so they told me the put oxygen and nebulisers on me as my oxygen levels were 82%. They then had to give me IM adrenaline, hydrocortisone and clorophenamine hust incase my attack was triggered by an allergen which they could work out as I was unresponsive. I then got taken in the ambulance and rushed on blues and twos into resus where thankfully I was a little better but had be labelled "status asthmaticus". Id never heard this befor, and it wasnt till I was in ITU that it had been explained to me. Dont get me wrong, I thank my lucky stars I survived this attack. Many recent events have shown me life is great, people care and I am loved. Its just somedays, like yesterday where I was in bed all day because my legs didnt want to work, where I wish my life had ended that night. There must of been a reason why god decided to not give me the help I needed by that doctor, but for him to then send all those medics did he realise he done wrong?! Had he realised he made a mistake!? From this I can only pressume I survived this attack like all my others (over 60 now) because something or someone was out there for me... ...I believe this to be my girlfriend. TTFN XXXX