Flashbacks, Nightmares And PTSD

Ever had the feeling you were dying, of that you didnt belong, or simply just that you wanted to give up!? Ive suffered these and to this day and far into the future I will continue to suffer these problems. Sadly over the past three or four days ive been having the worst nightmares, flash backs and my PTSD is really flaring up. The one image I keep reliving is one from when I lived on my own in Clevedon. I had wrote about this story before but it was a long time ago so im hoping that maybe talking about it again may lay the history to rest and that little cabinate in my head can lock the memory away. It was roughly 3AM. My lungs were giving me hell again, but it wasnt severe. As a result I rang the good old 111 in the hope to get a doctor out to me or be able to see the doctor at his location. I had an alert on my address and name to which the nurse in the phone had picked up on and told me I was being put through as a priority instantly. Perfect. 5 minutes later and I had the doctor on the phone. As he was worried he told me he was going to send the on call doc that was free and closest to me. He told me the doc would be with me in no later than half an hour. Grand. Three hours later, the doc hadnt turned up and my landline phone couldnt dial out. The last person to phone me hadnt hung up properly at their end. Where I use to live there was also no mobile signal. Unfortunately, by this time I was no struggling really bad. My thoughts of getting the on call doc to me sooner to prevent and admission had failed because they didnt turn up. I remember pressing the emergency system I had set up on my phone and that roughly it for the next few minutes. The next thing I know, there are 4 paramedics and 2 police officers standing around me in my bedroom. My front door had been smashed in by the police. Aparently the paramedics had been ringing the bell but was clearly getting no answer as I was out cold. The paramedics were panicking. The couldnt get a line in so they told me the put oxygen and nebulisers on me as my oxygen levels were 82%. They then had to give me IM adrenaline, hydrocortisone and clorophenamine hust incase my attack was triggered by an allergen which they could work out as I was unresponsive. I then got taken in the ambulance and rushed on blues and twos into resus where thankfully I was a little better but had be labelled "status asthmaticus". Id never heard this befor, and it wasnt till I was in ITU that it had been explained to me. Dont get me wrong, I thank my lucky stars I survived this attack. Many recent events have shown me life is great, people care and I am loved. Its just somedays, like yesterday where I was in bed all day because my legs didnt want to work, where I wish my life had ended that night. There must of been a reason why god decided to not give me the help I needed by that doctor, but for him to then send all those medics did he realise he done wrong?! Had he realised he made a mistake!? From this I can only pressume I survived this attack like all my others (over 60 now) because something or someone was out there for me... ...I believe this to be my girlfriend. TTFN XXXX

Boring Boring Boring

The title explains it really...boring, cause my day today has literally consisted of nothing. About an hour ago has been the first time all day to which I can open my right eye without it making my migraine worse, and I hope it continues this way. Its now day three of the flu for me and blinking heck I wouldnt want to wish it on anyone. Ive never had flu before, the flu jab has always kept it from me, but this year, even though ive had the jab ive come down with the flu and it is si dabilitating. It may be worse for me because of all the other health issues I have going on but I guess I would never know as im never going to have a year without these illnesses. Again though my beautiful other half has looked after me beyond the call of duty for a partner. Because my vision has gone ive literally been able to do hardly anything. Shes kept my drugs pumping in me whilst alsi keeping me as hydrated as possible and of course on the odd occassion bring up food when request. Ive not really eaten much so today when Ive really really asked for real food shes ran like it was a race to get it before my hunger pangs flew away so to speak lol. Shes also managed to take the little pup out for a walk during the many times to which ive slept today. Sadly though she is off to Bernados tomorrow to do her volunteering post. If my vision is back to what it was before then ill be taking her and ill also be sticking to my appointment with the police at 1530 about my ex. So vision, you better come back perfectly!! For now though typing this is making my head worse so... TTFN XXXX

3 Years On!!

Im not sure if you remember me telling you about my ass hole of an ex. We ended up splitting up because not only was she beating me up daily but she also made me see that there was no point in life to which lead me to taking a life threatening overdose. Since leaving her, I also left Bristol and went into hiding so that she had no clue of my where abouts...untill this year. Ok granted she does know where I live, but although ive changed my whole name she has managed to hunt me down through facebook, because I ignored her she started texting my mum, because my mum started ignoring her, shes now moved on to facebook messaging my other half. Shes demanding apparent money that I owe her because she gave it me when we were together to purchase a car and now that shes getting married, shes decided she needs funds so easy way to get it is to harrass me and the people I love. I wouldnt mind and I wouldnt be bothered, but shes threatening to take me to court and I think its unfair. She gave me the money, there was no documents signed saying that I would pay it her back and what I dont get is why its taken her three years to suddenly decide she wants money. I told myself that if she was to contact anyone I loved again I will can the police instantly, and ... tonight she did. After an initial talk with the police, I am now meeting with an officer on Thursday all being well and recovered from the flu. Im upset that shes starting again. Why cant she leave me alone. Shes caused enough stress and harm to my life!!?? TTFN XXXX

Wondering, thinking, worrying!!

This week has been the most stressful in a long long time.

It started last week with the doctors and my gp surgery. They decided they didnt want to prescribe my medication to which they decided not to tell me so when i finally got hold of a gp (three days later) my drugs had ran out and i was getting arsy. All would be ok if it wasnt a special ish drug that needs to be ordered into the pharmacy.

After sorting all of the above, i then go off to the doctors to pick up the late prescription and low and behold, another driver decides they want to drive into me. Thankfully i wasnt hurt but i was even more pissed at this point. I get all of her insurance details, name and number and i ring my insurance to start claiming through her. My insurance company ring me back on monday to tell me that, oh the driver isnt insured. Frigging perfect, this could only happen to me hey!!

Also on monday, i had to go back to the dental hospital to have my lump in my mouth rechecked and a date decided for when they want to do a biopsy. There i am sat in the chair and the consultant is making those weird hmm noises when something isnt right. He then goes off to the computer, after a few seconds he cones back to me and asks if i was free three oclock that day. I say that i am and i go back. It seems like they want to get this biopsy done quicker than originally stated. The biopsy itself didbt really hurt at all, he put a numbing gel all over my lip and gum first before jabbing me with a needle to use a local aneasthetic. Half an hour later, three lumps later and four stitches later and my lump has been removed and sent off for testing. The consultabt was a little concered because he expected the 'lump' to be a sac of fluid that would leak out as he sliced it, sadly though it was a solid lump. Once he got the biggest bit out the way, he then found another two lumps starting to grow deaper in my lip and a little lower down. He thinks he got everything but of course he cant promise. I also ended up with four stitches instead of the original two because of how much it had grown since he saw me two weeks ago. All in all the i am glad that the lump has gone. With how my luck has it though, two of those stitches fell out 4 hours later but thankfully there was no bleeding and the two ends have stayed together so ive not bothered going back. I have to go back on the 6th january to get the biopsy results. I really am praying its ok as ive been through this process befor when i had a tumor in my knee when i was 17. Thankfully that was bengin!!

On good notes though, last friday one of my friends had asked if i would take some photos of her 4 month old baby, to which of course i said yes. I took 138 photos and ended up liking 34. (I swear im far to fussy). Amazinly though they have turned out friggin great. So much so i have amazed myself. I sent three sneak previews to my friend on sunday just to show her some results and she cried with joy with how great they are. Im going back over to hers on the 17th to give her the rest just before christmas. Im excited to actually see her face with the results. She has also asked me to take photos next march when its her baby boys naming ceremony. Im really scared about this as i dont no how my lungs or muscles are going to be and ive never done 'professional' photos in this situation so im mega scared.

Well for now, this has been my life. Im off to another hospital apointment tomorrow for my hip and then off to mums for some tea and to exchange christmas presents. Following this im then driving to bristol to see my dad and two friends. We are going to be there untill sunday so its going to be one busy week. Joy!!

TTFN

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