Mothers Day

After a bit of an upraw last September with my mum, a day after I had surgery, I move out and moved in with my girlfriend. It was all a rush, I wasnt mentally prepared or physically prepared come to think of it. Dont get me wrong, I love my girlfriend more than anything, but when you have my disabilities and illness I wanted to get hospital care sorted out first etc and move in gradual. I guess it wasnt meant to be. Sadly, moments with my mum now are just as rare as what they were when I moved out the first time when I was 17. I absolutly hate this, its not how a mother and daughter relationship should be. Fir a brief time when I moved back in with mum, our relationship was fantastic. We went shopping, out for coffee and out for random drives and walks. This was only after I was on the brink of death following and asthma attack which pit me on a ventilator. My mum very rarly rings me up either unless its when she wants something. Most of this bad bonding started when I told her I was gay. She seemed gutted and never liked my girlfriend. She would say otherwise, but if you were to see how she treats me when I have my partner around her to how she treats my dister when she has her boyfriend, you would see the difference. All this though has made me think today about how much of a different mum I want to be to our children. I want them to grow up knowing they can come to us no matter what, and feel u dlessly loved. I do miss my mum, and I love her masses, but today with not being with her, it has really hit home. I wish I lived closer so that I can pop round with her card and present rather than having to send it her in the post. I also just wish we simply spoke more than once in a blue moon. I read all these stories of mums wishing their daughters were still alive and vice versa, and I dont want that to happen. I know eventually it will, but im only 23, I dont want to grow up wishing things could be different. Well, ive said happy mothers day to mum twice today, and made it clear with how much I love her. I guess I cant do any more than that. To all the other yummy mummies out there, happy mothers day to you too!! TTFN XXXX

Relaxing...I wish

One of these days I will learn to take it easy, I just have to!! I decided that I needed to finish off what I started yesterday with all my kit from storage and blinking heck it has killed me!! But in good news, ive finished it all so I am mega pleased, I just have to do a tip run tomoorow to get rid of all the paper, boxes and crap that we just dont have room to keep anymore. I have to admit it has been tough though. I didnt realise how hard it would be. One because of its a chapter of my life im never going to experience again, I had the most amazing flat ever and it was all mine, a place I could retreat to after id finished work on the ward and chill with my pets. Secondly, I didnt realise how much stuff I still had from my past relationship and it was hard looking back on it all, it braught back some nasty memories. But, its all done now and have my future to look forward to!! In other news, my other halfs sister and her girlfriend have got and purchased me a new photo editing suite in their words "to practice for their wedding photos". Im so chuffed, its a bloody good piece of software, though that still doesnt help sort the fact im still craping myself about doing their pictures for them. On the shit side of things, my lungs are going downhill. Ive nebbed a lot more and upped my steriods in the hope its going to sort me. My peak flow has dropped ans my sats are 92%. Im really hoping what ive done will help sort it as I really dont want to let my friends down for this saturday!! (Oh, and for camping next week) We will have to wait and see!! TTFN XXXX