Frustraistion, Upset and confusion

Unfortunalty 5 weeks on and I am still in hospital. To some yes this way seem that its not that long a time compared to some but for me its my longest ever stay and i hate it.

On Sunday i had another asthma attack that came on out of the blue, scared the shit out of me and ended up getting me sectioned for a short space of time.

I didnt want treatment. I want to b left to die but because i got transfered from the mental health hospital to the general hospitsl they kind of used it against me and sectioned me and forced the treatment on me which mega cheesed me off.

A physoclogist has seen me on the qard and my PTSD scoring has gone from 54 to 86 which aparentlt is through the roof and they are not happy with things being left any longer as its going to make me even more suicidal and my self harming is just going to continue increasing.
When i first got admitted here i told them i would do anything to kill myself. Ive tried 4 times but annoyingly have been found each time. One time by the skin of my teeth though as i was in a pretty bad shape aparently.

I just want all this to be over. I want my legs to start working again. I want my lungs to start working and and i want my head to realise it cant control me any more.

All that being said though, i doubt itll be achieved...

TTFN

XXXX

Down Again

To start things off yesterday was HELL!!

Went down to check on the rabbits like normal and Mr Spice still hadnt ate or drank at all. So other than the syringe feeding hes not had anything on his own accord so I rang the vets and we rushed him over there.

We got into the vets and as I predicted, his teeth had overgrown again. Sadly Mr Spice has deformed teeth and he refuses to eat hay so his teeth grown up into his head and around his cheeks. As a result he was in agony and went off his food. He needed emergency surgery. We were waiting around the vets for 7 hours because I didnt want to leave him. With him being 7, there was an 80% chance he wouldnt make it. Thankfully though, he did and he is now back home with us and is an gorgeous as ever!!

Today how ever has just dragged me down that little bit more.

On Saturday we handed out the last of our wedding invites, and lets just say, a fair few people are not impressed at all. Not just because they arnt invited to the ceremony, but because our dads wont be walking us down the aisle, no one is wedding dress shopping with us (as my other half is making her dress) and they have to pay for the evening meal.

Weve literally had non stop hell about how we are doing it.

Today, I dropped my other half off at work, and as soon as I got home her parents near on cornered me and interigated me for why we are doing the wedding the way we are. I told them that the day is about us and we cant afford a big do, to which I couldnt cope with anyway.

It seems like know one is happy for us. From word go, the day we starting seeing each other, someone has had a comment to say...and not nice comments either.

I just dont get it. We r happy, why cant people be happy for us!?

TTFN

XXXX

The Future Is Bright...The Future Is Painful

Ever considered what asrhma could be like...actually, ill better that, ever imagine what an asthma attack could feel like. So say that answer that, putva peg on your nose, put a straw in your mouth and breathe. Take it a step furtherx run up the stairs. You feeling daring, run 1500 meters. I bet you get stuck with trying to walk up the stairs let alone anything else. For me, this is pretty much how I feel on a daily basis. I stryghle to breathe with no break. To be honest, I cant actually remember what it is like to breathe "normally" so to speak. One thing that really winds me up is that many people assume that life with asthma is a few pumps of a blue inhaler and life goes on. Unfortunatly, for many there is more to that than this. For me, life with severe brittle asthma has been life changing, you could never live my life if your not use to it, believe me, its taken me four years as it is and im still not there. In America, they actually make their citizens aware of what its like to have asthma. They teach people so that there are no assumptions. This in tern im sure leads to better control and treatment. I wouldnt know for sure as insurance for me to fly out of this country is £6000. Yes you have read that right. Its this high because of all my medication, because I cant walk very far at all and also because in the last 4 years ive been to intensive care 11 times. Heres a video I found on youtube to show that America really do show you things in true light (*WARNING, IT IS EXTREME SO PLEASE ONLY WATCH IF YOU ARE PREPARED*) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KtiATXtIjlk Ok so now that ive had my rant about asthma because im pissed off with the way ive been treated and told that I "just" have asthma etc etc etc...I had to get it out my system as its not "just" asthma its my friggin life, and its ruining it. On the note of ruining my life, im fed up with being in pain and im fed up with this muscle weakness. I literally xant take any more pain releif and well as for my muscles, theres absolutly nothing can be done. Life shouldnt have to be like this. I should be able to live daily being carefree like everyone else. Being able to walk out the door and just worry about whether I have my purse. Keys and phone instead of this and, nebiser machine, spare nebules, epi pens, steroids, antihistamines, crutches, wheelchair, pain releif, and much more. If I wasnt so scared and had the chance to, I would end things right now. Life isnt happy when your living thiis life. Its unreliable. Unpredictable and uninspiring!! I hate it... TTFN XXXX

Relaxing...I wish

One of these days I will learn to take it easy, I just have to!! I decided that I needed to finish off what I started yesterday with all my kit from storage and blinking heck it has killed me!! But in good news, ive finished it all so I am mega pleased, I just have to do a tip run tomoorow to get rid of all the paper, boxes and crap that we just dont have room to keep anymore. I have to admit it has been tough though. I didnt realise how hard it would be. One because of its a chapter of my life im never going to experience again, I had the most amazing flat ever and it was all mine, a place I could retreat to after id finished work on the ward and chill with my pets. Secondly, I didnt realise how much stuff I still had from my past relationship and it was hard looking back on it all, it braught back some nasty memories. But, its all done now and have my future to look forward to!! In other news, my other halfs sister and her girlfriend have got and purchased me a new photo editing suite in their words "to practice for their wedding photos". Im so chuffed, its a bloody good piece of software, though that still doesnt help sort the fact im still craping myself about doing their pictures for them. On the shit side of things, my lungs are going downhill. Ive nebbed a lot more and upped my steriods in the hope its going to sort me. My peak flow has dropped ans my sats are 92%. Im really hoping what ive done will help sort it as I really dont want to let my friends down for this saturday!! (Oh, and for camping next week) We will have to wait and see!! TTFN XXXX

Chirpy, Smiling and Goodness atlast!!

Well, im not going to say everything as im not about to give the whole thing away, just incase it gets out to the wrong people as its all a big secret to EVERONE ha. So...this news thats made my day is that myself and my partner have found a sperm donor, and we are meeting up with them in a few weeks time. Weve been chatting to each other on this special website that links both sides and parties together and last week we exchanged emails and been happily chatting through there also. He seems like a very nice gentleman, and has said that he will sign a contract when we meet to say he signs over all his legal right to myself and my partner which we are also over the moon with. Not only all of the above, but he has said he doesnt want any moey, just travel expenses if he has to come to us at all, but at present, we will be visiting his end of town so no money is needed to go his way. Considering IUI or IVF in a clinic was meant to be around £3000 this is a lot cheaper and aot more comforting being able to do the deed in the comfort of our own home and not in a sterile clinic with every man and his dog exploring your vegetable patch. Fingers crossed, this time next year, myself and my partner will be mummies, and our family will start expanding. Excitment does explain it enough. TTFN XXXX

Thinking, Dreaming, Making

Both myself and my partner have been searching and searching for many months for the right place, and we have finally found it.

I then had the issue that I had just needed a new set of blood tests to see if I had certain genetic disorders.

Now that we have finally found the place we feel suites us, we are going to go for it the minute we get the results of my blood test.

Ok that may be another couple of months but that can help me mentally prepare, right!?

The place that we have found is in Wales though so it will take us roughly 3 hours to get there but we currently feel like we fit in with that clinic and that they have helped us massively, yet we havnt even met them yet.

We have decided to also do egg sharing so that we can help someone who is struggling to have a family just like we are.

We are hoping 2014 will be a great year.

I just hope that my sister doesnt get as pissed with me wanting to start a family as much as she did because I got engaged before her. She needs to realise that my health is deteriorating and not only do I want to be able to carry a baby but I also want to be able to give our child as much as I can physically.

My family hasnt been that supportive for me as of yet so I guess I should realise that they may never be all that happy for me.

I just have to be tough

TTFN

XXXX