Beyond The Imaginable

Just to warn you this post will be as scatty as they come.

Firstly, randomness; ever seen a cow nebuliser machine, i have and thanks to my addiction to ebay i am now the proud owner of a new cow shaped nebuliser machine that i have named Daisy. She lives next to my seat in the living room so i now no longer need to have to walk backwards and forwards to the bedroom just to have a neb

Secondly, joy and excitment; as you are all aware, we had a sperm donor who was helping us loads to try and have a child, sadly though the funds for travelling back and forth from Cornwall to Dorset was coming near to the end, and the donor had decided the only day he could do to help us was a Monday, which is near on impossible to have every month when you aim to go on your highest fertility peak, so we began the hunt for a new donor, who we have found. Or shall i say they found us. They libe in Plymouth so far closer and he seems very nice. Been chatting to him on facebook and he has a nice manner about him and hes agreed to help us as he feels we will be fantastic parents.

Thirdly, anger; the council tried to pull a fast one on us again, but believe me they are messing with the wrong person. Yesterday i had rang them to add a new local connection to our file. When i logged in last night we found out that our account had been closed and we needed to reapply. I done this to be on the safe side and today i contacted them to ask them what they were playing at. Their answer then was that because we had moved address we had a change in situation and that our banding would drop. Well, i asnt going to let it as i told them this address is an emeergency home given by them because we are homeless, 3 emails later full of massive comments of how inappropriate this flat is and how they are screwing us around and the higher ranking team contacted me back. Suprise suprise, they wont now change our banding. We will remain at a band B. Good!!

Finally, familied; on wednesday i mentioned to my other half that maybe she needed to arrange a meet up in a nuteral place for her and her sister to talk as its getting rediculous and sometime in the future they will need each other and they would want eachother in their lives. It seems to have gone well from what i can gather, just my other half is upset that not only will her sister still not come to the wedding, but she said we will look silly because were not wearing wedding dressing. She also said that my other half should get a job and that she shouldnt be looking after me and to top it off she said its stupid us having a child when we cant afford it. Thankfully my other half had said that actually infact us moving out on our own has made us better off with money. It soo shut her up.

Well i best be back to my knitting, got a fair fetw amount of nicu hats that still need making

TTFN

Xxxx

Finally A Smile Has Broken Through

The simple things in life really do come for freet.

Today i have been unable to get out of bed at all, my muscles have been so weak and i just cant breathe because of this infection so instead ive knitted 8 more hats for my NICU units challenge.

Whilst upstairs doing this, my beautiful other half has been up with me keeping me company doing her wood art ready for the craft fair we are going to.

The meaning behind my title is that all day weve just been chilling listening to my itunes list and my lush girlfriend has been singing away...and she is a bloody good singer.

This has literally just gave me both and internal and external smile.

She really is the reason i push to live. If it wasnt for her, her talents and her general love for everything and everyone i would have given up ages ago.

TTFN

XXXX

Because my lady is so talented (im praying this works) ive uploaded her singing...i love her voice!!

Wants Life To End

Literally, after today i really cant take any more.

All weekend ive been  spiralling further and further down because of things that are going on and im getting toy far into my depression im now struggling to pull myself out.

Being at mums was good in the fact that it was just me and my beautiful girlfriend but in theory it was just putting off the inevitable.

As soon as we got home, the shit literally hit the fan.

Argument kicked off, we were called ever name under the sun and we were made to feel like utter crap

And guess what the cause of it was...yup you got it, the happiest day of our lives, our  wedding.

My family have suprisingly been very supportive and happy for us. My partners on the other hand have really really kicked off, to the point theyve now told me im no longer doing their wedding photography and my  partner is no longer their bridesmaid. All this is because they arnt coming to the "ceremony" section of our wedding.

We are both so upset.

Its our day, we dont get why we are being treates like this.

Ive now contacted the welfare team for the councel explaining the urgency to get our own house as i fear that if im kept in this situation i will try to end my life again. They are just seeing what they can do to help and then will get back to us.

In good news though, ive now completed hat number 150 so another box is complete and ready to send.

TTFN

XXXX

Loosing The Will!!

These last 24 to 48 hours mentally for me have been a huge struggle.

Im still struggling to see the future. Im struggling to see what the point is. My health is just going to get worse, i dont want to end up like a vegetable and having everything done for me. Thats no life. Especially when ive had such a full on, busy, outgoing and active lifestyle up untill now.

Some people may say but think about what youve got and what youve achieve so far or even, there are worse people out there...yes thats great but for me, this drastic life change has hit me hard.

How would you feel if youve been told, roughly 10 years time you could be severly disabled or that you cant carry your own children or that if your partner was to have children you will never be able to run around with them at the park etc etc...i have been told all this and the reality behind it sucks.

5 years ago, i was working at bristol childrens hospital as a health care assistant and i bloody loved my job. I also had an acceptance to Surrey University to start my paramedic training and I also got accepted by London Ambulance service as a student paramedic. These last two where to be started after i decided to take a gap year and see what the hospital enviornment was like...it was then a few months later my lungs took a huge turn for the worst ... and then i lost everything. My career, my flat, my life.

I see people running in the street keeping fit and i think to myself, 5 years ago that was me. I would go running every night and then 3 times a week i would do a 6 mile walk followed 40 lengths in the swimmingpool. I can barly walk 30 yeards and only do 20 lengths if that in the pool.

Its gutting.

I hate it.

Why does life have to be so cruel.

Sometimes its difficult hearing other peoples issues to. When you have so much going on in your own life and your own head it makes you feel that little bit worse. Not only because i cant help them but because i know how they feel. I know what its like to have such a drastic life change.

Someone a few months ago passed a comment on facebook to me that i thought was extrermly harsh considering what i use to do and what i try and do now. They posted a photo of a stunning hotel they were staying in and i simply said, you may have to share some of your money so that we can have such lovely holidays...there response was - not being funny but we work hard, earn our money and deserve a break. This tore my heart to shreads as like i said before, i was in a job etc and persuing a massive future. Even now, im still doing photography so its not like im sitting on my arse.

Its things like this that are sticking in my head. Tearing me down and adding to my already complicated PTSD.

My other half still doesnt know the full story of whats going on in my head. It scares me. I cant scare her too. Thats 100% unfair.

Who knows, tomorrow may be different. Ive tried keeping busy today and knitted 5 more NICU hats and the sleeves for the baby cardigan im making. I also had a follow up appointment with the maxifacial specialist after i had a tumor removed from my lip just before christmas...and even this news wasnt perfect as he told me it will grow back and could turn into cancer at any point. Fab hey!!

TTFN

XXXX

As Promised

Ok, a little delayed but here are the photos I said I would post. Here is Mr Spice post surgery, back in my arms, super snuggly and super sleepy.

Here are the shoes that i have decorated myself-because i am amazing of course c; joke. Only thing left to do though is add the laces but they still havnt arrived yet.

And finally here is my first 90 knitted hats ready to be boxed up and posted

Hold that thought, there is one more photo that i couldnt resist not showing you. Myself and my partner had our heads turned for literally 5 secs, when all of a sudden we heard crunching and remembered we had left the crisp packet (still with crisp in) on the bed - bad move as this is what we looked around to lol

TTFN XXXX

The Good And The Bad.

Ok so yesterday I completed my 3rd box for sending off the the NICU units. (Will upload photo tomorrow). I have as of today though officially made 102 hats so nearly the 4th box done...yay

In sad (ish) news though, myself and my partner last night that Mr Spice who is our gramfer rabbit at the age of 7 hadnt eaten or drank anything all day. So today we squeezed some rabbit juice into hit mouth which incouraged him a little bit and thought we would give him a few hours to pick up with food. By 1630 though nothing had been touched so i got some of his nuggets and added water to them and we managed to syringe fed him roughly 100ml of this. I have a feeling its his teeth again. I rescued him when he was 2 and his previos owner sadly just fed him bread and banana which meant he didnt touch hay for the main stages of his life. As a result, he refuses to eat it now meaning his back teeth are over growings and he keeps needing surgery. With the fact that hes eating the food when its practically liquid im guess my thoughts are correct. If he still hasnt eaten anything tomorrow though he will have to go to the vets as he will need surgery.

To end my busy last 2 days, I have also made my wedding shoes. They are just drying from the glue and when i get five minutes tomorrow, ill take a picture and post it here too.

Im feeling a little poorly though. I woke up relly struggling this morning and coughing lots and ive kind of not really picked up all day. Im praying its the weather but we shall see.

TTFN

XXXX

knee And More

We had a nice early start this morning. Not. I had to go back to Truro to see the consultant about my knee. Sadly he has told me that i have damaged my maniscus. He is giving me two more week to rest and allow the swelling to go down and the pain the get better. If things are all the same then i have to have either one or both of the following things, an MRI and or seeing a knee surgeon. As a treat we then went over to costa. Weve not had very much time on our own recently out and about so we took the opportunity whilst we can...and it seems costa were mocking.me c; Once we got home, the weather was being great to us so we took the opportunity to let our butterflies that weve grown out into the wild. It was amazing. We held them first and really got to have a nice close look at them...it is something that we will be doing again. 100%. To have seen them go from tiny caterpillars right through to stunning butterflies was fantastic to watch. Youve got to love nature Following this, we picked up Dixie and i drove us to the feild just up the road where we let her off the lead and chucked the ball around the place and gave her a great run around. It was fab to see our little pooch out and about again as ive not been able to do it in ages. Ive also decided that me and my girlfriend havnt had a date daya in FOREVER. So weve arranged it for tomorrow where we aret off to the cinema to watch malificent. I have also completed hat number 79 today. Yay. Ps...my internet is being mega slow so as soon as its come back to the 21st century, i will be adding photos to go with this post. TTFN XXXX

Hehe

What a day...

I thought my migraine had gone. Boy wasnt i mistake. I think i took no nasty headache for granted as tonight it has started coming back.

After dropping my other half off at work, i just came home and completed 7 wedding invitatioms which can now be sent out and ive also knitted 4 more NICU hats. So ive not had to much of a stressful day so i have no idea why my headache has returned.

On picking up my lovely lady, we decided to take Dixie down the camel trail so she can have a splash around in the river...half an hour later and she started shivvering so that was our sign that we needed to get home.

Once home i could finally give my lovely girlfriend her suprise.

3 weeks ago i sent her engagement ring in to be fixee as it snapped on the banding about 3 months ago and we just couldnt afford to get it fixed. So i snuck it out of her purse and decided to do it no matter what.

It took her a while to notice though as i propped it up in the side of a brownie tart and she didnt see it at first...but once she did she was overjoyed. She had tears in her eyes and didnt know what to do with herself.

So pleased that i made her day and she had no idea about it at all.

Also on good news, this last week i lost another 3lb. So i now only have 1 and a half stone to loose and im at my target weight. Go me.

TTFN

XXXX

Im Back

Im aware it has been a few days...but Im going to keep it short.

The last few days have been beyond hectic, stressful and just head hurting for me-literally.

On Thursday night, my other half had told me that both our mums were talking about me on my latest admission to hospital. Aparently the nurse who was looking after me, the respiratory consultant and the ITU consultant were all very worried. Not just because i was deteriorating with my asthma attack, but they were worried i wasnt going to be able to keep battleing on because of my muscle wasting. They said that if i were to have many more attacks like this latest one, the liklihood is i wont pull through. I just dont have the muscle strength. With my phosphate also refusing to pick up, it also means that my muscles arnt contracting in the right way so my vital organs just cant get enough oxygen. Along with this, they were worried that mentally i will keep struggling with everything thats going on so they told our mums not to tell me what they have said. My other half just couldnt keep it on on Thursdag night though. It was eating her up. And i dont blame her for telling me.

During the mddle of the night i had yet another full body allergic reaction but we have no idea what to again which is very annoying.

Friday we had to look after our nephew. His mum had an appointment which was going to be roughly an hour long so we took the pleasure in looking after him. He is such a content little boy and i really cant wait to have my own little family.

On saturday, I needed to get out the house. There was far to much negetivity and it was driving me down so we decided to take Dixie to the beach...bad move. We have now worked out that the salt wter makes Dixie violently ill. Shes done i before but it wasnt untill yesterday i actually clicked. By now though we know the drill and managed to get things under control and by today she was back to her usual self again and we even managed to give her one of the liver cakes that i made her. Dont worry, theu are dog friendly!!

Today weve literally hybernated. Ive had a migrane for the last few days and it just wouldnt shift...untill this afternoon. Praise the lord. Whilsy chilling though, in turn i have managed to finish off all the writing in our wedding invites and ive also managed to knit number 69 of the NICU hats. So im super pleased.

Well, im off to bed now. Ive planed a huge suprise for my loverly lady tomorrow and i need to be both physically and mentally strong (especially as i fell over today trying to pick up one of our rabbits)

TTFN

XXXX

Flipped Around

Everyones entitled to the otherside of the story, the good, the oppsite, the happiness... Well im glad you said yes because today has benn mine and my girlfriends day. Finally. For me, I have knitted 5 more baby hats which make 24 in total and on 4926 more to knit. I have also now raised £110 for AUK and I also managed to get out in my wheelchair for a stroll with my other half and Dixie. But thats not all- my amazing girlfriend has also had great news. Since weve change our diets to being beyond healthy and also stepped up the exercise game, her cholesterol levels have dropped. I was starting to get really worried last year as her level came back at 7.1 which is extremly high and meant she could literally dropped dead from a heart attack or stroke at any point. Last week she had this blood test repeated and her level is now 6.4. Ideally we need it to b at least 5 and even then thats at the higher end of the limits. So we have a little more work to go, but knowing that what we are doing is correct, and that her risk of dyeing from a heart attack has been reduced, we are that little bit happier. Now just to continue our fight with healthiness.I also managed to get my old phone changed over to allow an orange sim to work in it so she also has a nice new smart phone to which shes never had one before. Excitedly as well, the 5 caterpillars that we have been growing for the past 11 days have finally grown into thir chrysilists (please excuse my spelling). We have to leave them 3 more days in their little tub to allow their shells to harder and then we need to trasfer them to their new habitat where we will look after them for 14 days so their wings can strengthen and then we will release them. Being able to help the enviornment gives a sense of happiness in a different form. One you cant explain. Well, I am off to plymouth tomorrow for my lung review. Im praying I can get more treatment. Better control. We will see as only time will tell hey. TTFN XXXX Ps, please keep sharing my just giving page and also fly by with a donation. You would make me so happy. https://www.justgiving.com/Charlie-Hockaday-Williams

Busy Bee

Alarms should not have been inveted. I hate them. I had to wake up early this morning because I had to go to the GP to have blood taken. I initially thought this day was going to be hell because the steroid nasal spray I ordered last week hadnt been authorised by the doctor. Its meant to take 24 hours, im currently on day 7 so now and urgent message had to be re sent to the doctor. I then went to log in to say I had arrived for my bloods - and the computer crashed, so I cued up and had to register like the good old days...the lady at reception was being so slow that by the time it was my tern, it was then showing I was ten minutes late. Not impressed. I should have my blood tests by Friday though and we will be able to see whether im going to need more medication for my phosphate. When we got home, as I was down stairs, me and the other half decided to finish the run we had built so that our three boys could finally run around again. We are so impressed with our handy work, what do you think:

After this I had to drop my other half into benardos so she could do her good deed of the week and I went home to bed as I was exhausted already...so much so I fell asleep untill she came home again which was roughlu 4.5 hours. Whoops. Its ok though, I made up good time by knitting 3 more baby hats this morning. It is coming along quickly now. Ive completed 19 altogether now and I have another potentially 2 people donating more wool to me to complete my challenge. Tonight I made my smallest hat so far, here is a picture of it next to my ventolin inhaler for a comparison:

Please continue to support me by donating just a small amount and also sharing my just giving page: https://www.justgiving.com/Charlie-Hockaday-Williams Tonight me and the lady have also put a menu together for our wedding meal and sent it back to the hotel we want to go to for pricing so hopfully by the end of next week we gave get our invites sent out. Im day as you can see has been rather scatty, but it has exhausted me so much that I am just finishing my physio and im off to try and sleep. TTFN XXXX

Justgiving

In a few previous posts i have told you about a challenge i have set myself.

Because i have become a lot worse both muscles wise and lung wise i am pretty much stuck in bed unless its for an appointment and then im stuck in wheelchair.

So instead of sitting here feeling more sorry for myself i decided to set my set a challenge of knitting 4950 baby hats. 30 for every NICU unit throughout England.

I have so far knitted 12. 4 today alone.

Although they are hats for NICU units I have decided I want to raise money for a charity very close to my heart. Thisll be my second time raising money for them...

ASTHMA UK

Are my choose charity.

Your support will do me wonders. I have set up a just giving page so please please please support me by donating and sharing my page amongst your friends.

You could save my life by finding research to give me a better medication. You could chanhe my life around!!

Here is my page, keep sharing and please donate. It only has to be a small amount

Your page: http://www.justgiving.com/Charlie-Hockaday-Williams

TTFN

XXXX

Typical Day

For me the weekend doesnt really change from any other day of the week. Other than the shops being busy and you see more people walking about the village, its all just another day for me.

I decided last night that it was time for my hair to have a change again. I jeeded a fresh look. Make myself feel good.

So, me being me the minute i woke, i done my usual routine and then we headed off to asda to buy dye.

Although me hair is blonde, i decided i wanted it blonder so we go a bright bleacg blonde. I also wanted to add some colour too so we got a bright pink too. My partner got black. Talk about complete opposites lol.

Once all my hair was dyed blonde, my partner cut it for me, re done my shaven patch and upon my request i got her to put two zig zag lines across my shaven patch. When the pink was ready to b applied, we done my usual fringe bit and also the zig zags. With having pre lightened my hair it now looks friggin amazing. Nice an bright and colourful. Although my partner used the same pink, because she dyed her hair black initially, hers turned out a plum colour which for her looks stunning.

Just doing this though completly exhausted me so i had to go back to bed...three hours later im awake not realising how exhausted i must of been. I do get annoyed by this. For the average person, they would dye and cut their hair after a 6 hour day at work or something very similar and not be anywhere near as tired as me. I do wish some days that my life wasnt like this.

When i eventually woke up properly, i was extremly itchy, so i put on my glasses and i could see why. I was having yet another full blown reaction. I was as red as a beetroot and my lips were double to size. Eventually after 6 antihistames, things started to return to their usual self, and no epi pen was needed but i think if these antihistamines hadnt of kicked in, i would have been stabbing myself in the leg again!!

Ive also managed to knit another 2 hats today so i now have 5 in total ready to send to my first NICU unit. Only another 25 to go and thre gift box will be off to the post!!

Untill next time...

TTFN

XXXX

Goals And Challenges

After my shit news yesterday about potentially not being able to have children, I decided to set my self a challenge. Whilst I was in hospital last week, a very good friend of mind suggested I start knitting, it doesnt take much muscle mass to do and certainly doesnt take and lung power, so off I pop to youtube and have so far self taught myself how to make baby hats. I have currently made 2 for mine and my partners future children, I am hust waiting for more wool to arrive in the mail and ill be making my sisters baby a hat and ive also currently made two others of different sizes. These extra two hats are going towards my challenge. My challenge being that im going to make 30 baby hats for every NICU unit in England to which there are 165. So that roughly 4950 little baby hats I have set my self to knit. This for me would be an ace goal to achieve, not only because its keeping me busy but also, I cant do things like donate blood or stem cells any more because of my deterioration in gealrh so doing this will make me feel mentally great about being able to help both the tiny little babies who are poorly and also their families because not many clothes fit such small children. On average at the moment im making one hat a day as it does cause me cramps so I fear it could take me a little while to achieve my challenge, but im sure I will feel fantastic when not only the first box is done but also the 165th box just like I felt great after I made the first hat. I will keep you all up to date with my progress of course. In other news today Ive not been to great. I went down stairs briefly today as we purchased Dixie a paddling pool because she loves water, but that small amount for "doing somethinf" totally exhausted me and ive been asleep all afternoon as a result. In good news though, myself and my partner have been in contact the the local registry office in Bodmin about booking our wedding. They are just sorting a few things put and will be getting back to us. Marriage for us is super important as it means that legalky when we have children, because we are married we are both legally allowed on the birth certificate so both play an equal, fair and legal role withing any future childs life. So, theres a lot to keep you posted with...untill next time... TTFN XXXX