Friday, 23 October 2015

Challenging times

I hate the fact that i an still struggling with my emotions and how to come with change. Unfortunatley i guess thats just one of those things when you have an emotionally disregulated personality disorder. This is my latest diagnosis. This is my lastest challenge in life. Sadly not only have i still been finding it difficult with my latest knock down with my physical health. Hating the fact that my latest end of life didnt work and wishing euthenasia was legal in this country. Finding out that our latest puppy who we rescued has an abnormal heart, an allergy hypersensitivity and asthma of all things and to top it off, finding out that a certain someone has be slagging me off behind my back and also been telling people i am a selfish, vile and attention seeking person, its safe to say its been a bloody tough 2 weeks. Last night when all went wrong again, i had to call home treatment team and get their help as i was in yet another crisis. They were planned for coming out today for a joint visit with my care co/cpn to try and find away to continue to help me through this tough period of my life in the community. I have an opportunity to ring the home treatment team on sunday because i am due to be staying at my mums for the weekend. On Tuesday i have the duty CPN worker ringing me to check in one me as my care co is on holiday for the week. I then have my psychologist on wednesday and then my social worker on friday. I think its safe to say everyone is doing their best in trying to help me and wanting ms to see the light at the end of the tunnel and i literally cant thank them enough as sadly with the way my personality disorder works, i cant process all this deterioration in my physical health which is why for me its easier to ignor it or try and end it. I know its having an impact on my family and thats the worst thing of all as i hate having to ve dependant on people so knowing that i am gaving such an impact on their lives and their health it absolutly breaks me up. It just adds to my torment in my head and adds to the suicidal thoughts. I have tried my best with getting distracted today after i broke down with my cpn and home treatment team again. I swear im going to start bwcoming ocd with cleanig though as ive cleaned the bathroom 3 times today which mega sucks. One bonus from today though is that i have been refered to a specific mental health respite centre to where i will be admitted for up to 2 weeks to try and help me through this crisis period. This will be as close to a hospital admission as possible but without the secureness and 24 hour 1:1 line of sight watching. There will be help there for 24 hours a day but not to the same safety degree. Fingers crossed i can get there soon. Well thats enough for me today as its making me feel shit just typing this. TTFN XXXX

Tuesday, 20 October 2015


Unfortunatly things still havnt improved the way nyself and my CPN would have liked. I have had HTT (Home Treatment Team) visiting me at home every other day to also try and get me extra support through this difficult period of my life again. I just cant seem to get my head around everything that is going on, i cant seen to accept the deterioration nor the fact i am never going to be the same again. My bigget fear is being readmitted to a secure mental health unit but equally i knot that there becomes a stage where i have no say in whether i stay at home or get admitted. Everyday that HTT came to visit they kept hinting towards an admission and as of late so has my CPN. They have both bow decided to do a joint visit this Thursday as they have been discussing me and now what to tell me their plans. I cant help the way i feel. I cant help being depressed. I cant help feeling dissconnecred from my body. This isnt the way i wanted my life to be, its how my life choose to be and unfortunatly its not something that i myself is going to change on my own. The last two weeks have literally mimiced to how i was in January and February time and that ultimately led me to the admission in the first place so i guess you can understand why im worried. I could lie, say everything is better. I have no suicidal ideation at all anymore but then i would be left with no support. No one would trust me with what i said in the future and then equally i could be making things worse for myself. Mental health is more confusing than my physical health. We shall see by Friday hey!! TTFN XXXX

Thursday, 15 October 2015

Not Much To Say

At the moment it doesnt look like i can say a lot, literally because it looks like someone is watching what i am saying and being a complete and utter prick and sending stuff to my wife. If you have noticed, i never mention any names as i dont want my family to know about what i write in my blog. They all know i have one. They all know im depressed. The all know im finding it hard to accept the live i have been given with illnesses and disabilities and THEY ALL KNOW IM SUICIDAL!! Thats nothing different to anyone meber or my family so before anyone decides to copy and paste any part of my blog and add shit into it and remove stuff that i have written fucking jog on. I have this blog as a way to release things from my head. I purposly chose to write it in a blog rather than writing it on pen and paper SO THAT MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY CAN NOT READ WHAT I HAVE WROTE SO STOP BEING A GOD DAMN FUCKING PRICK AND STICKING YOUR NOSE WHERE IT DOESNT BELONG. Little did you know but you caused an argument between me and my wife and at the weong time because of the bullshit you had said!! I also dont need any nasty remarks from this blog. A lot and i mean A LOT has happened since the weekend and i an lucky to be here for more than one reason. And at this present moment in time, i dont mean lucky for me. I mean lucky for those around me . I am having top intervention that i can have at home because my mental health has taken a steap decline backwards. Its nothing new to my friends and family and its nothing they themselves with ever be able to change. I have grown to being this way because the deterioration in my physical health and sadly that has taken a very steap decline backwards. Thats no excuse for me trying to end my life nor is it an excuse for anyone else, but this is who i am. The people who do care for me and love me regardsless know this. Its the risk they take when they accept me into their lives or choose to keep me a part of their lives. I dont ask to be within the circle of social activity, they choose to keep me. What you done on Saturday night doesnt change how i feel myself. It does however change the fact i no longer trust anyone on face value!! Cheers for that!! TTFN XXXX

Sunday, 4 October 2015

slowly Returning

So, after many many many months of not blogging, i am back. Not really sure what my latest blog was or what you all know but in short, in January this year i had a severe asthma attack that woke me up early in the morning. Got blue lighted to resus where i aparently had the ITU consultant bagging me untill they could get the COAL machine down from the unit. After spending a few days there, i went to the respiratory ward to need the crash team coming to my bed side as i rapidly deteriorated again. A few days after this my body decided enough was enough it needed to rest and recover so went unconcious for just under 24 hours. Horribly i woke up with breathing tubes down my throat and bang my severe complex ptsd is nade 10000000 times worse. On the 11th february (my birthday) i got moved to a secure mental health unit when i was put on observations for 2 months because my self harming had increased and i wanted to commit suicide. My lungs were and still are deteriorating rapidly. My lung function is now only 35%. My proximal myopathy has left me wheelchair bound and unable to stand. As i said previously my ptsd has gone wild and i am now being tested to see if i have a neuromuscular disease like MS. After 7 months in hospital i came home on the 4th july. I am having community support teams visitng once sometimes twice a weeks to give me help and i also have my wife looking after me full time. I am doing ok, trying to find things to do thats adapted to a life in a wheelchair and im trying to make new friends. I will try my best to keep blogging, but for now, please keep me in your prayers that things will get better. TTFN XXXX

Monday, 27 April 2015

Still fighting On

Not sure if you can remember from my last blog but a lot has been happening since i have been admitted to the Mental Health unit.

Ive finally managed to drop my twat of a consultant and have one who actually give a flying feck abd has actually got the ball rolling on things

2 weeks ago he started me on a medication callee sertraline. Sadly after 2 doses i had to stop as  it really messaed my heart up. I have though been put on another mesication called matazapien! (Sorry about spelling,dyslexia sucks). At the beginning it was great, really noticed a difference in my sleep pattern in particular but annoyingly its no longer happening. Thankfully ive a ward round tomorrow and i can see what else can be done.

Whilst ive been in hospital, which has been since 30th January, ive felt beywond suicidal and sadly attepted to take my own life. To which i was extremly close o  all 6 occasion.

Thankfully though although i still dont want to live im not actually trying to take my life any more. So i guess theres a slight increase in my mood.

Things r getting tough though and my restraint for not self harming is getting redoculously hard but i have to keep remind myself to stop. Not just for me but because my nephews chrestening on may 10th and i need to b off line od sight before i can go anywhere. I also need to get leave from the ward off the doctor because annoying, through the lack of doctoriness from the previous ass. It was too risky to keep me informal.

I really hope that things will start changing soon.

Sorry its a short update but im starting to feel a little shit just writing this. Fingers cross a few more weeks and ill be reborn.

Hope your all well



Tuesday, 3 March 2015

Frustraistion, Upset and confusion

Unfortunalty 5 weeks on and I am still in hospital. To some yes this way seem that its not that long a time compared to some but for me its my longest ever stay and i hate it.

On Sunday i had another asthma attack that came on out of the blue, scared the shit out of me and ended up getting me sectioned for a short space of time.

I didnt want treatment. I want to b left to die but because i got transfered from the mental health hospital to the general hospitsl they kind of used it against me and sectioned me and forced the treatment on me which mega cheesed me off.

A physoclogist has seen me on the qard and my PTSD scoring has gone from 54 to 86 which aparentlt is through the roof and they are not happy with things being left any longer as its going to make me even more suicidal and my self harming is just going to continue increasing.
When i first got admitted here i told them i would do anything to kill myself. Ive tried 4 times but annoyingly have been found each time. One time by the skin of my teeth though as i was in a pretty bad shape aparently.

I just want all this to be over. I want my legs to start working again. I want my lungs to start working and and i want my head to realise it cant control me any more.

All that being said though, i doubt itll be achieved...



Tuesday, 17 February 2015

Hospital, Asthma And Mental Illness

Saturday 31st January 7am i woke with a very rude awakening, yet another asthma attack. Its never nice waking up struggling to breathe, having a peak flow of 90 and sats of 81% so we got an ambulance straight away.

By the time i got to resus i was shattered. All the usual drugs were given and ICU had been contacted. They came to visit me in resus and all i remember is waking with the ICU consultant holding ny head and holding a bag and valve mask to my face as he was bagging me.
So, as you can probably guess i went to resus and was on NIV for 24 hours.

Once my gases had stabilised i begged to leave ICU because of the trauma it causes me so thankfully they got me to the ward pretty quickly. U fortunatly,the first night on the ward there was a crash call put out for me.and the resus trolly placed next to my bed. The ICU cons then rushed me for an urgent CT scan to make sure i had no clots as my gases were shocking. Thankfully i didnt but i did however have double pneumonia and some shadows on my lungs. The pneumonia had been treated and ive gotta go back when more stable to have biopses on my lungs to figure out what the shadows are.

Three days later i was getting better and my consultant wanted to see how my heart was doing as he though he could hear issues. So off i pop for the scan and guess what, i have fluid building up on my heart. Perfect. So now i need a second heart scan this sunday to see how fast it is building up.

Thursday morning I started to feel a little better and even managed to put on a film. 10 minutes in and now i have no recollection of what went on. I only know what ive been told because i went unresponsive. They think that this is a result of my asthma attack and my body being extremely exhausted. Nothing could wake me. They put stupid amounts of pressure on my chest, collar bones and eye sockets abd it didnt wake me. Aparently they also put in an oral airway and i even tolerated that. I am now sacred shitless that thisll happen with every attack i have.

My consultant has now also started me on hypertonic saline nebs to try and shift the rediculous amounts of mucus i have building up. At the moment all is going good though it is making me mouth stupidly sore.

Following all this, it has really fucked up my head and i really dont want to live anymore. So i finally managed to build up the courage to tell the staff at hospital how i felt about my suicidal intentions abd as a result ive been admitted to a secure mental health unit.

All this happened on my birthday and it sucks. What a great birthday.

I got put on level three line of sight because of the risks and my intentions to die.

The second night of my being here i really did just have enough so tide stuff around my neck. Sadly though about 5 minutes later i got caught. Needless to say im mega pissed off.

Ive also managed to get hold of things and cut up my arm aswell. All of this because of stupid PTSD abd flashbacks from ITU admissions. I really want this to end. If not the flash backs then my life...