Frustraistion, Upset and confusion

Unfortunalty 5 weeks on and I am still in hospital. To some yes this way seem that its not that long a time compared to some but for me its my longest ever stay and i hate it.

On Sunday i had another asthma attack that came on out of the blue, scared the shit out of me and ended up getting me sectioned for a short space of time.

I didnt want treatment. I want to b left to die but because i got transfered from the mental health hospital to the general hospitsl they kind of used it against me and sectioned me and forced the treatment on me which mega cheesed me off.

A physoclogist has seen me on the qard and my PTSD scoring has gone from 54 to 86 which aparentlt is through the roof and they are not happy with things being left any longer as its going to make me even more suicidal and my self harming is just going to continue increasing.
When i first got admitted here i told them i would do anything to kill myself. Ive tried 4 times but annoyingly have been found each time. One time by the skin of my teeth though as i was in a pretty bad shape aparently.

I just want all this to be over. I want my legs to start working again. I want my lungs to start working and and i want my head to realise it cant control me any more.

All that being said though, i doubt itll be achieved...

TTFN

XXXX

Overwhelmed

Just woke up after falling asleep and its all abit weird in my head. So much has happened and its now getting to me.

Firstly,my friend i told u about is getting better. Shes now out of the critical stage and back with us talking and growing strong. Thank goodness. So pleased as was ubber worried.

The next thing being that Dixie has finally had someone say and be willing to foster her whilst we are in our temp place. Sadly it is 3 hours away but weve just got to be lucky that shes found a home which equally means we dont have to give her up long term as that would be heart breaking.

Next up is this bloody flat. I hate it. Its horrible. Its not ideal for me at all. To top it off the landlord is an ass. Weve begged him for Dixie to come with us and even said we would pay for cleaners to come in when we leave but no. He refused to sort out the water in the kitchen as for the last week weve had none. So i had to get on the floor to look and sort which is never good as i cant get off the bloody floor so my other half had to help me. Next up we went there to day to drop more stuff off and the bloody bay window roof is being ripped out and we hadnt been told. Im pretty sure we had to have 48 hours notice and yet we had none. We also still havnt received our electric key to be able to put money on the electric. We got told last wednesday 24 hours and we will have it. But no,again nothing. Which means weve £3 on the meter, a freezer full of food and i cant neb. Grand. It all just seems a night mare.

All of this and im also shitting it about money. I know we will be fine but im a huge ocd worry bean about money to the extent i have a book, write what goes in and out and what weve left for the month and then each day i write how much has been spent and then calculate how much remains. At the moment it seems like we are £200 better off living independantly but weve not hade the correct amount of bills yet so all that could change.

Im also confused as to whats happening about my immunology infusions as ive not been contacted and its been nearly a month now.

The wedding is coming up and i know longer have any idea of what is left to buy as its all in stupid boxes

My other halfs 21st is also coming up and im worrying that we wont have the money for me to make it special for her.

To tope it off, today it seems like my pharmacy wanted to kill me again. Remember the error a few weeks back about my steroids. Well i made a complaint and that got sorted BUT today, as usuall walking out the door i checked my drugs so i didnt drive all the way home and see a mistake. I opened the bag and saw the words Sando-k and though what the heck i dont take that. I take phosphate. Took it back in and said er uve given me the complete wrong drug. Her answer was "i though it was strange when i was second checking it" i replied saying well its a gokd job i know my drugs else this time next week i could have been dead. Its not like it was a simple error or omeprazole or anything it was a potential fatality error. Its shocking.

TTFN

XXXX

Pathetic

This morning I had to take my other half to the hospital for an appointment. She had to have her braces adjusted, a few other bits tweaked with and her jaw looked at to make sure everything was going in the right direction for her surgery that shes having towards the end of the year...hopefully. Thankfully everything everything is going perfectly and the treatment really is starting to work. The sad thing is that with things being played with today, shes got lots of pain so now we have to step up the pain releif again to make sure it doesnt get out of hand. Prior to us leaving, we had a huge barny with my other halfs mum. She knew we were going out and although my partners dad only came put of hospital last night she insisted that they had to go shopping. (Even though I could have done it). Wuth us all being out the house, she asked us where we were going to be putying Dixie to which we both replied, in the kitched like we always do. She wasnt impressed with this because unfortunatly on the weekend when we were at the hospital for 6 hours Dixie chewed the table. She wanted us to put her in our bedroom to which I refused because not only is there electric at the end of the bed and to the side of the bed but I have all my drugs. Thankfully my father in law agrees that itll be far to dangerous to keep her up there. Hes not nothered that the table got chewed because as he said again today, they didnt pay for the table and they are puppies. My mother in law argued that shes not having her stuff chewed which is why they got their puppy cage trained. As a result now they are telling myself and my partner that we have to by a dog pen for dixie to go in as they dont want to risk her chewing other stuff. Ive told them if they want her in one, they can pay for it as the are roughly £50. I refuse to cage train Dixie. So may say its amazing, but the idea of licking my dog in a small cage just doesnt appeal to me, not only is it restrictive for them, but they have no fluid or anything. I also see how stressed their puppy gets. I also panic and worry because when I was 16 I was involved in a house fire. Our old family home infact and I worry that if this was to happen again now, then Dixie would be trapped with no where to run. Why would you risk it, it doesnt make sense. Thankfully, no more has been said on the subject since we got home, but im sure it will. The rest of the day has generally been ok though. Im suffering really bad with my muscles thpugh, they keep giving out on me and I cant hold me head up again. Im having to prop it up on pillows. I really wish I didnt have this muscle disease. The rest I can cope with...kind of. Well, I best be off, I have a hospital appointment for myself tomorrow. TTFN XXXX

Frustration!!

Early for waking wasnt the word for this morning but I figured because we went to bed so late if I were to nod back off I would have never woken up in time for the big day. Yes, that day that ive been stressing about has come, its the naming ceremony for our friends little boy. We got there around 1pm, my other half set up her cake and I started sorting my camera to allow for the right amount of lighting and to take pictures of the items that were scattered around like napkins, flowers and the naming certificate. People started to file in at roughly 1330-1400 and all was going to play and I managed to get around 150 photos ish. (Ill let you know for sure tomorrow). Excited that I had enough confidence to be able to do these photos, things couldnt stay perfect. I decided to have an asthma attack. Friggin perfect. Sats dropped to 90% and heart rate shit up to 134. I wasnt even going to do my peak flow. I was starting treatment no matter what. Thankfully, a few back to back nebs and all was dandy and the day continued. We flew home for a 45 minute breather before the meal this evening because I was just to exhausted. We had to be back for the meal in another part of Cornwall for roughly 1900. Everyone was atill super nice, and I feel I have now managed to broadened my friendship circle for my new county im living in. The food was really late for coming out, and about 2030, I was starting to feel sluggish again, and as I went to take a bite of my nail (being the annoying nail biting person I am) I notice my nail beds were purple, I instantly jump up to go and check my oxygen levels. On my way over to get my bad, someone walks by me having had a ciggerette, and bang, if I wasnt going off on another asthma attack I was now. So pissed off that ive had two attacks in one day, all I want to do is enjoy my life and hobbies but each time ive just built up to be happy, bang shit gets thrown back in my face!! Lets just say I will be hybernating in my bedroom tomoorow on my computer just editing photos. Nothing more and nothing less as I am adiment I will be going camping on Tuesday!! Although my lungs have given me hell today, I have to admit I am proud of myself. I really was mega worried and scared that I would end up flumping the whole day but I think and feel it went reasonably well!! Thats all from me for another day!! TTFN XXXX P... I forgot to say, the registrar that done the naming ceremony has told myself and my other that she would do out whole wedding and paper signing for £115. Doing it this way with her also means that we could legally get married ANYWHERE. Whether it be a beach or our back garden so we are certainly keeping things in mind for a potential marriage plan!!

Maybe Some Progress!?

Thankfully, or shall I weirdly, our little puppy Dixie allowed us to sleep in untill 0900. Which was just what I needed after having the crapiest night sleep ever. Bouncing between coughing, flash backs and pain, my night was at the terrible end of the spectrum. I also woke up producing mass amounts of gunk, so it went straight in a sputumn pot and my inlaws were very kind to drop it in for me as they were heading past my doctors surgery. Fingers crossed that this may be the reasoning behind my lungs not being happy again. This moring was very chilled out, I put all three rabbits in the run for the day again, and made some home made Gnocchi, for mine and my other halfs tea, and it was blinking lush. Were using a lot of recipes from a book weve just purchased called 'A Girl Called Jack'. In this book the lady has made and adapted many different recipes to which are budget meals when living on £10 a week for food and they are also super healthy. I would definatly recommend it to anyone wanting cheap and healthy meals. Once my cooking session was over, I had to go to the doctors myself for 1440. I knew it was going to be a wasted appointment on my GPs side because it was following my conversation with an ass of a doctor last week, who wouldnt re prescribe my tablets because I was on so many. So in I walk to the GP (this one in oarticular us very good and I now wont see anyone else at the surgery). When I explained the situation on the phone and that im still getting the cramps, he said he would be more than happy to re prescribe me the drug again, and at a higher dose to see if it helps more. We also discussed the situation with my phosphate and that my local still gasnt responded to him as to whether or not there is a link to my asthma etc, do weve agreed that I will chase them up this week, and if they have a problem, I have to get them to ring this specific doctor and he will sort them out. We also discussed the fact my new antihistamines arnt working as effectively as I would like them because of the increase of reactions im having. We established that I am on triple the 'legal' dose, and if possible, leave it another few weeks to let my body ptoperly adjust and get use to the new drug, if not, then ill be changing over to one of the two alternatives to which I was given. In the mean time, my epi pens are not leaving my side. Just remembering, the twat of the doctor from the phone last week stated in my notes that I said GPs are a waste of time. I retold the nice doctor today that what I actually said was, I didnt want to be wasting GPs time coming all the way to the surgery when it can be dealt with over the phone. Shame it cant be removed from the system. Bonus though, todays visit was positive for me as I can restart my drugs, but a pain for the dictors as someone who is generally poorly and needs them, then couldnt have that much needed appointment. Im back off to Bridgwater tomorrow to see my old respiratory consultant and to also see my sister who is hopfully giving me a baby scan photo of her iggle piggle. So excited to see the real scan as the first was sent via picture message as we live ove 100 miles from each other. For now though, its film time with the HERsband and pup. TTFN XXXX