Depression

Yes i know i keep banging on about it, but for me this is my current life. Its not getting an better right now.

My other half is still getting stupid stupid amounts of hell from her parents. To the point of today her mum left the cooking stuff and our bowls on the side for us to wash as she was refusing to do. My other half left 2 bowls as they werent hers and her mum kicks off. We rsponded by saying she shouldnt have been so pathetic in the first place.

I mean come on really!? Somethings in life really arnt worth arguing about but shes making a huge point to make everything an argument.

I really really hope we can move out of this shit enviornment soon as its making me extremly depressed and ive also put on 5lb in 2 weeks because my diet has been crap through my depression.

On a happy note...Dixie is jumping around the bedroom eating moths...

TTFN

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Hehe

What a day...

I thought my migraine had gone. Boy wasnt i mistake. I think i took no nasty headache for granted as tonight it has started coming back.

After dropping my other half off at work, i just came home and completed 7 wedding invitatioms which can now be sent out and ive also knitted 4 more NICU hats. So ive not had to much of a stressful day so i have no idea why my headache has returned.

On picking up my lovely lady, we decided to take Dixie down the camel trail so she can have a splash around in the river...half an hour later and she started shivvering so that was our sign that we needed to get home.

Once home i could finally give my lovely girlfriend her suprise.

3 weeks ago i sent her engagement ring in to be fixee as it snapped on the banding about 3 months ago and we just couldnt afford to get it fixed. So i snuck it out of her purse and decided to do it no matter what.

It took her a while to notice though as i propped it up in the side of a brownie tart and she didnt see it at first...but once she did she was overjoyed. She had tears in her eyes and didnt know what to do with herself.

So pleased that i made her day and she had no idea about it at all.

Also on good news, this last week i lost another 3lb. So i now only have 1 and a half stone to loose and im at my target weight. Go me.

TTFN

XXXX

Nightmare

Where have I been? That is a good question. So far this weekend I have been in bed and in hospital, but suprisingly not for my lungs.

On Friday morning I knealt down to tidy up Dixies toys and the shreaded cardboard. As my knee hit the floor I was in agony...in tears. Something happened to my knee.

I ignored it for 3 days thinking it was following having the dye in my hip on Thursday as the Consultant said it can cause pain in my leg.

Come Sunday I was in even more pain. I couldnt bend my knee without being in complete agony. My knee was giving way, is swollen and my knee cap was moving around more than it should do.

Last night I couldnt take it any longer. I cant do what I originally planned which was wait till Tuesday to go to my GP.

And a good job aswell

I went to hospital and I had an examination and an x-ray and then a senior Consultant came to see me. I knew then that things werent good

It turns out I have torn the ligaments thats around my knee. They also think I have damaged the part of my knee called the maniscus but they cant pull my leg around enough to assess it so I have to go back to hospital in 8 days as they think the swelling should have reduced and the pain would have settled abit. I then find out whether i have to have my leg immobilised or not.

For now though I have been told i cant weight bare on my leg, and i have to rest with good pain releif...so thats why I have been stuck in my bed all weekend.

Great hey

TTFN

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Just Another Day

Up nice and early today because I had OT coming to measure me up for the stair lift im having fitted. Thankfully thatll stop me falling on the stairs like I done yet again tonight. After all the measuring I then dropped my lovely girlfriend off at Bernados for her 3 hours of volunteering. Whilst she was there, I filled my time with walking Dixie, sorting our flowers out and chucking the dead ones, eating some diinner, nebbing and sleeping. When I woke I felt like absolute shit and rather puffed. As a result I had a quick (ish) dash to the mirror, noticed my lips were blue, so went and got my sats monitor...90%. Bollocks. Quick nebbing session before I had to get my lovely lady again. Thankfully im feeling a little better this afternoon and evening so ill see how I go before I ram any more steroids down my neck. Weve also found another feild to which we are allowed to walk Dixie and blinking heck she blinking loved being back in a feild again chasing a ball. For a squidgy puppy she aint half blinking adorable. Other random things about my life today...my GP receptionist rang me because my GP wants to see me so the had to arrange and appointnent. Its planned for the 28th. When I asked if she knew what it was with regards to, she thinks he said it was because I need to start a new medication. Im baffled as to what for so it should be interesting. And final news for the day to put a smile on your face...today ive lost another 2lb and a quarter in weight so since 6th January this year I have now lots 1stone and a quater and a grand total since the start of my weight loss last August of 3stone and a quarter. I just have another 2 stone to go and im at my healthy weight. Really hope I can do it. Hope your all well. TTFN XXXX

Something New

When I went to asda yesterday, I was gutted to find out that they had sold out of easter biscuits...I mean come on, its still a week away. To resolve this, my lovely girlfriend said that as shes never made them before, she would love to give them a try and blinking heck they tasted good. We have been controlled though. Weve only shared one between us for today andvwe have four more between us ove the next few days. I was mega impressed with how they turned out as shes never made them before. What do you think?! :

Even though it was only half a biscuit that I have eaten, I felt really bad so punished myself...and todays punishment is that I walked around the feild 4 times at three different stages of the day. To be ho esr, I think I have the beginnings of an obsession going on. Im so fixated on loosing weight and its now got to the point im now weighing at the beginning and end of everyday. I really dont know what to do. I think its started because I had climbed up to 16 and a half stone and so many doctors have told me that my weight would make my asthma worse. For me that was enough to scare me so I guess I have to loose it. After our second walk of the day, I was in agony so had some more morphine, snuggled with my lady and our pooch on the sofa and watched a film. Todays film was "exit himanity". Although at the beginning I though it was a really bizarre film, I soon came to liking it. Its weird because it has a narrator ever now and then. But it explained the in depths if what was going on just incase you didnt pick it out whilst it was made visually the first time. So for me its a film with a thumbs up. In crappy news...I think I have another infection brewing. Im getting a lot more puffed out, I have pain in my left lung and I am rather bubbly with my lungs. My temperature has only raised a small amount so id feel like a fraud going to the GP at this stage. Just hope it doesnt get to bad by next weekend as we r supposed to have a friend staying down and visiting is. Only time would tell I guess. TTFN XXXX

Todays Adventure

Last night I was 100% worried that Dixies body clock wouldnt be able to be adjusted to the time change and I feared she would be awake at 0630. Suprisingly though, she woke up at her usual 0730. Not only was I pleased but I was also mega shocked. Straight after breakfast we took her for a walk. It wasnt all that successful though as my partners mum came with her puppy and Dixie just got to distracted and was running around the feild like mental. Towards the afternoon though, I took her for a walk by herself just to get some call back training in for the day. Every 20 steps I walked, I called her name and gave her a treat (dont worry, the treats are smaller than my little finger nail). She done really well though and I was happy that shes starting to pick up on the call back altogether. Once all our camping washing had finally finished, I decided to sit and chill whilst reading up on more photography stuff. Ive managed to find roughly 5 more projects to keep my busy!! Myself and my partner booked a tabled at pizza hut tonight for the four of us to go out for mothers day. My girlfriends parents have never been to pizza hut before and the mega enjoyed it. Infact we all enjoyed it. There was so much laughing going on which was great as we havnt had that now for a very very long time. I know it wont last long before then next downer but im glad that my girlfriend and her mother managed to have a great day between the two of them. It was lush to see. I thought I done extremly well at pizza hut also as when I felt full, I stopped eating. I didnt overdo things so im hoping on weigh day tomorrow I will have lost weight so keep your fingers crossed. Just before bed we managed to get Dixie in the show to get the sand and camping mud out from her skin and fur as it was really starting to irritate her. The shower, towel and hair dryer no longer scares her anymore though so it makes the whole process a little less stressful. Though it clearly made her tired as shes now snuggled up next to me in bed dozed to the world. Its been yet another very bust day for me. Cant wait to have a day where I can just sit and relax again as im getting beyond exhausted. TTFN XXXX

Always Something

Up nice and early today...but then we all fell asleep again after Dixie had breakfast, till roughly 0930 which for us is rediculoudly late since having a puppy. We done our usual routine first off, and then decided Dixie needed a walk...or I needed it because I put on 2 and 3/4 pounds in the last week. Im personally blaming my increase of steroids plus I have eaten a fair few bad things. We also took Dixie for a walk this evening, for her fun but for me, punishment!! We had to leave at 1130 though to get my other half off for her volunteering job. Once I done that, I had to run off to lidl and asda to get our food for going away tomorrow. Following this (goodness ive been busy) I then had to get my other half to our local hospital as she had an appointment with her ears because of her hearing loss. All is ok, but sadly, the type of hearing loss she has cant be treated with hearing aids, its a weird link between her ears and brain that loses the wavelengths of words and noises which jumble things up and make it harder to hear and understand words. My heart aches for her because its not something that can be sorted. As a result she now struggles to hear generally. I on the other hand have to learn to talk slower and with less of my Bristolian twang ha. Testing my cooking skills (under supervision because of my muscles) I cooked the most amazing tomato soup ready for when we get back for our lunch time meals for when we get. I know a soup is mega simple, but for someone with my disabilities, its blinking hard, and depressing because of needing supervision. In good news, I managed to complete the editing process from Saturdays photos. I managed to get 124 that I absolutly love and im super proud of. Oh and, I got another silver award on a photography I submitted to a competition a few weeks ago, im so proud of how far ive come, I just hope I can keep it up. Excitingly I am off camping with my beautiful girl tomoorow and our puppy. Were only going to Padstow just incase something was to go wrong, but its our first little holiday together as a little family. The memories that will be made are ones that im really looking forward to. I just hope it goes smoothly as weve got our next camping holiday booked for May already ha. So, im not going to be blogging for the next few days, will probably be either Friday or Saturday night, deoending on how tired I am. TTFN XXXX Ps, I forgot to mention, after I sent my sputumn sample last week, I had the doctor ring me today and as I thought ive got a bug in my lungs, its a yeast based fungi that is resistant to all antibiotics so were waiting to hear from my cons about what week can do. Fab hey

Stress!!

As I mentioned yesterday, I wasnt going to be doing a lot today because of having to asthma attacks yesterday, so I sat and editted the photographs I took yesterday. Ok, well, firstly we took Dixie for a walk around the feild, had some dinner and then I went up to our room and started the photo editting process. For the first two hours sorting the photos everything went swimmingly. I took 149 photos all in all, that turned out good. There was more but of course some were blurred and some people were blinking etc so the had to go leaving 149. Out of all of them I have for 70 I really like and im focusing my time on. The first lot of editing was good, cropping, sharpening, de noising and colour altering. But heres where the stressful thing started. I spent the next three hours wanting to give up. I had been given some templets to be able to group together 4 or more photos together on one page, annoyingly though my photo editting softwares didnt want me to be able to do this and no matter what I done to get it to work, the things just didnt want to work. So I have gone for plan be for adding borders and didderent effects to the appropriate shots. I still have a hell of a lot of work to do and im going to be focusing my time on it tomoorow whilst my other half is volunteering. Another adding if stress, is that I have weighed myself a day early. Well, technically I weigh myself everyday. I have sadly become very obsessive about my weight since ive been trying to loose it. Anyway, this week because ive been bad with food, I have currently put on 3pound. So like on Friday when I punished myself with swimming, today I punished my self by walking around the feild twice with Dixie. Ok, so to the average person walking around a feild twice may seem a little lame, but when you have muscles and lungs like ive got, it could be seen as a disaster waiting to happen, I dont care though, I need to loose this weight. Im just not happy with it anymore and it was driving me down along with everything else. Heres to next week though for a better amount of good thoughts and goals. Especially as its mine and my other halfs first time camping together. Yay. TTFN XXXX

Such A Nit Wit

As you can tell from the title, I still havnt learnt from my mistakes. Last night I had to put my steroids up because I was struggling so much, and today my lung function still isnt good, but that still didnt get me to sit on my arse and chill. I had to take my other half to volunteering at lunch time, but because we wetevearly, we decided to walk around the local park with the puppy. That initially killed me espevially as I decided to walk tjis time instead of using my wheelchair. Once I got back home, I had to sort all the pets foods out and get the rabbits in the run. I then had to have some dinner, do my meds and then try and sort my pc out, all before I had to then go pick the other half from work. Stupidly though, I promise my other half that we could go to a place called Cardinham woods and go for a walk with the pup and also have a 'naughty hot chocolate' because it is so hilly though I refused to have someone push me in my chair so ended up walking again. Safly though we only got about 5 minutes in and my legs were giving way and I couldnt breathe, so we had to turn around and go sit gown. I was gutted. Steroid myopathy and brittle asthma are so dibitating and is slowly killing my independance and freedom. My flash back are also flaring back up again. More than the usual daily stuff. I think its because my body is struggling again and its scaring me for what might happen. Im hoping they will settle down again soon!! My pain has also gone ridiculous. This is my fault though. Because of trying for a baby, I have stopped taking my morphine as I dont want it risking causing any harm to the foetus at all. Im considering asking my GP to refer me to rhe pain team to get things back under control. In happy news though, this week I lost another pound in weight. That means I have one pound and three quaters to loose and ive lost another stone in weight which totaled up, thats three stone since last August, im so chuffed with regards to that!! Well, sorry for the depressing post, I just had to talk to someone and you guys seem perfect. TTFN XXXX

Not My Day At All!!

I woke up at 3am, initially with massive pains in my joints. I thought nothing of it, went for a wee and then went back to bed. When I woke at 0730 I have never felt so poorly in all my life. My temperature was 39.2, I had a splitting migrane, was sweating out and had those horrendous joint pains still. Along with this, I just felt detatched from my body, my co ordination was shot, and I just didnt feel right at all. Im annoying stuck in bed as its to dangerous for me on the stairs, ive had to strip right doen, open my window and eat paracetamol just to try and sort out my temperature, which currently is remaining high. I havnt a clue whats causing it, I dont feel drastically bad with my lungs, but I cant think where else the infection could be...if its that, thats causing it. My other half has yet again been a gem, shes cancelled her volunteering for the day to look after me. Although this makes me feel bad, in a way im glad shes here, and thankfully shes rearranged things for thursday. Im a little bit ticked off though, as about an hour ago I decided I actually wanted to eat something do the other half went and made me some toast. When she got downstairs, yet again her mum started having ago at her because she hadnt done the dishes whilst they were out shopping. My girlfriend tried telling her mum that shes been looking after me and making sure im ok. According to her mum though, she doesnt have to stay upstairs with me just because im poorly, and also that she needs to start pulling her weight more. I feel so sorry for her, she wanted to stay with me coz one I feel like shit and can hardly move, and two, why should I be left up here on my own just because my body doesnt want to work. Its completly unfair, and this shit for not pulling her weight, my other half cooks all three meals a day for both of us, she does the washing, she washes the dishes, she does shopping. Sge tidies up and she helps out with all our pets, I dont see what more she can do, especially as shes a full time carer for me also. Its a lot for her to take on. Her mum seems to be having ago at everyone, but she doesnt see it, and she thinks that shes doing nothing wrong, yet most days and evenings now shes left in the living room on her own as the rest of us cant stand being in her company, I mean, doesnt that show you in itself that theres clearly something not right with the attitude and atmospher!? Clearly not!! Well, im feeling crap again and starting to nod off, I hope this nastiness starts to fade pretty darn soon!! TTFN XXXX

New Achievements!!

What an early start it was this morning, one I wasnt wanting one bit, sadly though it had to be done because my other half had a hospital appointment which I was taking her to. Nothing major, just the tightening if her braces, the adding of two more blocks and the adding of a thicker wire all in preperation for her surgery towards the end of the year. I also had a doctors appointment this afternoon because im still worried about my low phostphate level. Im pretty sure something should be being done about it. Thankfully I pre book this appointment a week ago to guarantee it bein with the doctore I get on with. Whilst with him, he dictated a letter to my new local cons asking for his support re my phosphate just to see if there was a link between that dropping and my asthma. He also told me he has wrote on my behalf to the ambulance service so that the next time I have an attack, they dont sit and play. He also gave me a letter from my new cons explaining I had a pisitive test to the mannitol challenge I done a few weeks back, also that he wants me to start a different pill in the hope it may help my asthma...to which my gp at first was confused as in his words "he thought I was in a gay relationship" lol, I had to explain a little bless. All in all im pleased though I also lost another 3lb in weight this week, which gi es a grand total of 8 and 3/4 lb this year altogether. I know its coming off slowly, but im pleased with that, ive not gain any weight at all this year and the slower it comes of the higher chance of it stating off. Right!? Me and my other half also took our little puppy Dixie for a walk down the camel trail today. It was her first time down there where she was allowed to walk and we had her on the stretchy lead so that she could wander where she liked. She absolutly loved it. When she got tired though, she made us chuckle because she just sat there and looked back the way we came. Such a little character she is. Im off for my hip procedure tomorrow so you may not hear from me. Wish me luck!! TTFN XXXX

Todays Activities!!

With starting to crack down on my weight this week (to which was spurred on by my 2 stone weight loss last year) I have totally changed my diet and reduced my meal portions by half.

Annoyingly though because of my muscles, joints & lungs I cant do a lot of exercise. Actually pretty much none. So today, me and the other half plus her mum decided to bite the bullet and go swimming. This swimming pool is fantastic, you pay £3 each (which is rediculously cheap) and we seem to always be there on our own which is lush also.

I only managed 8 lengths and then sat there kicking my legs. But the other two enjoyed their selves and done a lot more lengths.

Im hoping that with having a bit  of exercise in my life now, itll help to maintain my muscles and also help to burn this extra bagadge that im carrying around.

Watch this space though, I could be in agony tomorrow and not be able to move anywhere.

For now...

TTFN

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The Here And The Now!!

Recently things have been a little scatty and Im not all that sure what to make of it. I keep going through phases where I am really down but trying really hard not to tell the other half as I dont want to worry her, but sadly instead I seem to be snapping at here and getting frustrated at the little things that I used to fine with. I tried telling her that these little things have started to annoy me but she seemed to have laughed it off as if I was joking so now im not all that sure about what to do. Im hoping that its just because Ive had a pretty rough few weeks with my lungs and its just washing me out. Who knows!! With regards to my lungs, I went to the doctors last week because I have started really struggling asthma and infection wise. I have been put onto some basic antibiotics for now to see if it would help but sadly it hasnt done a huge amount. My peak flow is still super lower and my oxygen levels keep dipping to around 92%. Sophie wants me to go to hospital but I really dont think I need to go yet. I am off to the doctors again later today but I dont actually think there is a lot more they can do, but I guess ive ssen someone and thats all I can do. Financially things have been a little tough for both sophie and I which has really got us worried. we have had our money drop by just under £200 a month which has meant that we have a very small amount of money each month to help us get by. Were really not sure what we are going to do. We have now applied for careers for sophie as we have calculated that she spends around 40 hours or more a week looking after me, and she does a brilliant job at it and I wouldnt be able to survive without her help. I am also having appointments with the doctors because it has come to the stage were I feel I need a little more support mobility wise. I am falling over a lot more, my legs are giving way on me and I cant physically keep hold of my crutches because my muscles keep giving way. Ive not had a verdict as of yet but im sure I will let you know. On a positive note, I have lost 2 stone in weight since I have had my surgery so I am super happy, ok yes it has been because I cant physically eat all that much, but Im still surviving, so Im clearly getting enough food going into my body. Im also moving onto more solid foods which im also super happy with as I have missed eating "normal" food. Sophie and I are also still wedding planning, it was come up to around £3009 altogether to pay for the whole wedding so we now need to start saving and buying things slowly to achieve the best day of our lives. We have also attended our first wedding fair, sadly it was rather erm CRAP so we wont be attending one there again, but it gave us a good insight into what we could do and what is on the market at the moment. Well I think I have rambled enough now so I will leave you to it!! TTFN XXXX

One Down One To Go

Its been one week already of me being on a complete liquid diet. Three shakes a day and a bit of yoghurt. In week on I have lost 9lb in weight. Dont get me wrong I am over the moon with having lost so much weight but I an so hungry and craving just a small amoubt of food.

Last week it was really easy as I was at the other halfs house and she has been doing it with me to give me some support (though ive made her have a meal in the evening) but now that Im back home it just seems to be harder. It hasnt helped that mum has baked my fave cake, has my fave biscuits in the house and has also just purhased chocolate. You would think with her being my mum she would be a little more supportive.

I guess im just going to have to push on for that bit longer as itll effect my surgery.otherwise.

My surgery is due to happen next tuesday so not long now and fingers crossed my life could change drastically.

On another note Im super pissed off as mum has just told me her new fella (of just ONE) month is moving in. The reason this pisses me off is because she point blank refused my other half from moving in as aparently there isnt room for three. I then said to her fine ill be paying you less money then as there is three people here and she told me no I will be paying her the same amount. Ever feel that she wants me here just for money!?

TTFN

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