All Getting Too Much

This weekend is that last weekend we have in this home and to be honest I bloody glad.

I really feel sorry for my girlfriend, shes never lived in a home without her parents and theyve not given a flying fuck. Theyve not cared at all these last few weeks for how she feels. Bearing in mind she suffers severly with anxiety and depression.

As of today, her parents have left the house. Though they will be back as theyve left lots of shit behind. So we are here on our own untill Sunday.

Weve only had one friend who has helped us A LOT and we cant thank them enough. Whats really pissed me off is that initialy my girlfriends parents said that they will fire a van and move our stuff and their stuff. Then suddenly today they rocked up with a van and we werent allowed to put any stuff on it so im blinking glad that over the last week we have slowly been taking stuff over to our new flat.

Tonight they came back quickly to get something and then left whilst shouting bye from the bottom of the stairs. It wasnt a nice goodbye with any effection for my girlfriend at all and from past experiences at my end, when you leave tje family home its extremly upsetting and yet her parents actually i re phrase that, NONE of her family have even bothered to ask her how she is. I think its disgusting and its completly uncalled for.

Till this day aswell they are still treating us like we are five stating that we cant fill some holes in the wall from where we took our stuff down...bearing in mine 10 mo ths ago we decorate this room and had to fill in holes then...and if they think we are still children, you would think they would ask their own daughter how shes coping but no!

On a lighter note, yesterday we had our homeless officer contact us to give us an update. My doctors, ive no idea which one out of them all have finally decided to send in a medical report and the housing team have stated that we are a urgenty priority to be placed into a long term home and we have been bumped up to a B band so fingers crossed not long and we shall have our own home officially.

On a safer not though, weve only 2 more nights and one long day left with Dixie. I was sorting her stuff out earlier ready to go to the foster home abd my hesrt was breaking. I hate the fact that my girlfriends parents are being so nasty as to not have her meaning we have to put her in a home 3 hours away from us. Im gutted. I mean come on, you wouldnt purposly give up your child because of a housing situatio  so why are we being forced to give up our puppy. I hate it. Just got to pray that we get our permenant home pretty bloody soon.

Because my girlfriend is clearly breaking down, ive done a little suprise for her. Ive made a card on moonpig to welcome her to her new home with me and ive also ordered some personalised cup coasters with 4 pictures on. One big one of us 2 and the  3 little ones of Dixie so hopefully thatll cheer her up.

For now though im off as im wasting precious time with Dixie

TTFN

XXXX

Annoyance

Ever had so much pain ur restless!? I have. Today has been one of those days. Ive maxed out on all my pain releif and im still in complete agony with my hips. Thank goodness ive got my CT scan on the 1st, my hip consultant on the 22nd and then pain team in October. Hopfully then all this pain will start to be sorted out. Though im not looking forward to the surgery if and when they say it.

In other news, my lungs have also been crap today. I knew something was wrong when i had a rubbish nights sleep, mucus plugs and a husky voice.

So i check my oxygen levels and peak flow. Oxygen has been about 91% all day and peak flow is 50% down. Im not rushing to the GP though as im seei g my respiratory consultant on Wednesday so if he feels i need to step up the treatment then ill do so.

I also went to vauxhal this morning because i really need to trade in my car as my current car, although bloody amazing its simply just to small for me now.
Unfortunatly though they only had one of the style cars i want and it was about 5000 over my budget and the car i saw on the net last week went on friday. Typical.
The man was nice though and took all my details and is going to ring me as soon as one comes in stock and ill be getting first dibs on it. Im just praying that the dealer doesnt want another deposit as unless i take out a 2nd credit card i cant afford a few hundred on a deposit now.

Well, other than all this annoying stuff today, generally it has been a good day.

My mum got me the game scrabble at the weekened as we have been searching everywhere for a cheap first addition game to no luck. Me and my lady will be playing tomorrow if i can cope out of bed and ill be kicking her ass.

TTFN

XXXX

Nothing More To Say

I love my girlfriend so much.

She makes me smile

She makes me laugh

Shes made me the person i am today

Shes the reason i wake up everyday.

Shes my everything

TTFN

XXXX

Friends

When life is a little down, all you really need is friends.

Yes you guessed it, we managed to get out and meet up for lunch with our friend and her son.

We didnt manage much else before that as i was so exhausted.

On our trip out though we managed to post a friend a present which we are praying she will het before shes admitted to hospital next week, we purchased a fair few more baby bits for my sister ready for the baby but these arnt clothes, these are more essential stuff like wet wipes, johnsons baby stuff, sudocrem, nappy sacks and more little bits like that. We also got another lush pastel wool and some ribbon for the baby blanket im knitting once i finish my 6 hats a day.

To say im exhausted now though is a ahuge understatement.

I feel really weak and i cant actually even lift my arms anymore so im a little gutted. I honestly think that this weekend is going to be for recovery and that only.

TTFN

XXXX

Finally A Smile Has Broken Through

The simple things in life really do come for freet.

Today i have been unable to get out of bed at all, my muscles have been so weak and i just cant breathe because of this infection so instead ive knitted 8 more hats for my NICU units challenge.

Whilst upstairs doing this, my beautiful other half has been up with me keeping me company doing her wood art ready for the craft fair we are going to.

The meaning behind my title is that all day weve just been chilling listening to my itunes list and my lush girlfriend has been singing away...and she is a bloody good singer.

This has literally just gave me both and internal and external smile.

She really is the reason i push to live. If it wasnt for her, her talents and her general love for everything and everyone i would have given up ages ago.

TTFN

XXXX

Because my lady is so talented (im praying this works) ive uploaded her singing...i love her voice!!

Hehe

What a day...

I thought my migraine had gone. Boy wasnt i mistake. I think i took no nasty headache for granted as tonight it has started coming back.

After dropping my other half off at work, i just came home and completed 7 wedding invitatioms which can now be sent out and ive also knitted 4 more NICU hats. So ive not had to much of a stressful day so i have no idea why my headache has returned.

On picking up my lovely lady, we decided to take Dixie down the camel trail so she can have a splash around in the river...half an hour later and she started shivvering so that was our sign that we needed to get home.

Once home i could finally give my lovely girlfriend her suprise.

3 weeks ago i sent her engagement ring in to be fixee as it snapped on the banding about 3 months ago and we just couldnt afford to get it fixed. So i snuck it out of her purse and decided to do it no matter what.

It took her a while to notice though as i propped it up in the side of a brownie tart and she didnt see it at first...but once she did she was overjoyed. She had tears in her eyes and didnt know what to do with herself.

So pleased that i made her day and she had no idea about it at all.

Also on good news, this last week i lost another 3lb. So i now only have 1 and a half stone to loose and im at my target weight. Go me.

TTFN

XXXX

Coffee, Friends And A Stroll

Late last night we had a great friend of ours text us to see if we would like to go for a catch up and a walk either today or tomorrow. As we r bust tomorrow, we decided that today would probably be best for us. She left it in our hands for time and place so I chose Cardinham Woods at 11am The timing was a little optimistic. I had such a rush night sleep, fell back to sleep at 7am and then woke up at 9. By the time I had done my meds, had breakfast, feed all the animals and do a picnic, admitidly we were a little late. Thankfully our friend was late also as her 8 month old son decided he needed a nap. Phew. When we all eventually got to the woods we had a sneaky "naughty hot chocolate" which is chocolate toped with mini marshmallows and cream-yum. I when went for our stroll (to burn off our drinks of course ha). I was so pleased as we all agreed to do the flat gental route so that could try on just my crutches instead of my wheelchair. The walk was 3k so it took us roughly 3 hours to get around because I needed to keep stopping, having a seat and catching my breath. Still, I am pleased with my achievements. Once we had our stroll, we then had our picnics and even more nattering. Got to love meeting up with friends. Certainly keeps your brain going, and the great thing is, its one of my other halfs friends originally so not someone I know through auk or one of my illnesses. Despite this, she is fantastic and really looks after me and makes sure im ok when we are together. When we got home. I had about an hours rested with being topped back up with morphine and I attempted to make tea. Sadly I had to give up around 1/4 of the way through as I just couldnt cope any more. Thankfully my other half was happy as usual to carry it on, which im glad as it was an experimental tea of fizzy orange chicken from "the girl called jack" book...and I have to say it was bloody lush. This was then finished of with a nice small portion of rice pudding as a suprise. As soon as the dishes were scrubbed, we went off on another stroll around the feild with dixie to keep up her routine. Now that im now I. Bed again I am bloody shattered, but to bring the final greatness to the end of the day, we found one of Dixies puppy teeth on the floor. Its the first one that we have seen, although we know shes lost more, just not sure when or where. Great times. Hopfully ill sleep well tonight, but we will see. TTFN XXXX

Todays Adventure

Last night I was 100% worried that Dixies body clock wouldnt be able to be adjusted to the time change and I feared she would be awake at 0630. Suprisingly though, she woke up at her usual 0730. Not only was I pleased but I was also mega shocked. Straight after breakfast we took her for a walk. It wasnt all that successful though as my partners mum came with her puppy and Dixie just got to distracted and was running around the feild like mental. Towards the afternoon though, I took her for a walk by herself just to get some call back training in for the day. Every 20 steps I walked, I called her name and gave her a treat (dont worry, the treats are smaller than my little finger nail). She done really well though and I was happy that shes starting to pick up on the call back altogether. Once all our camping washing had finally finished, I decided to sit and chill whilst reading up on more photography stuff. Ive managed to find roughly 5 more projects to keep my busy!! Myself and my partner booked a tabled at pizza hut tonight for the four of us to go out for mothers day. My girlfriends parents have never been to pizza hut before and the mega enjoyed it. Infact we all enjoyed it. There was so much laughing going on which was great as we havnt had that now for a very very long time. I know it wont last long before then next downer but im glad that my girlfriend and her mother managed to have a great day between the two of them. It was lush to see. I thought I done extremly well at pizza hut also as when I felt full, I stopped eating. I didnt overdo things so im hoping on weigh day tomorrow I will have lost weight so keep your fingers crossed. Just before bed we managed to get Dixie in the show to get the sand and camping mud out from her skin and fur as it was really starting to irritate her. The shower, towel and hair dryer no longer scares her anymore though so it makes the whole process a little less stressful. Though it clearly made her tired as shes now snuggled up next to me in bed dozed to the world. Its been yet another very bust day for me. Cant wait to have a day where I can just sit and relax again as im getting beyond exhausted. TTFN XXXX

Days Like This Make Me Feel Lazy

So, last night I promised myself I will rest todays as I was just making myself beyond poorly, and thats exactly what I done, and I feel stupidly lazy with having done it, but its either rest up or land in hospital, I certainly know which sounds better. I filled my dad with reading mass loads of photography information to keep my mind active and keep me busy. My reasoning behind this is that I have started getting major flash backs again because if my severe PTSD. I figured that my best option would be to do something that would really challenge my mind rather than sitting infront of telly allowing my mind to wander. Granted it didnt help perfectly, but im pretty sure it could of been worse. My other half has been continuing her cake making ready for Saturday. I was sat out in the kitchen with her to keep glancing up to see her progress. It was lush to be able to just be us for the day. Made us bith really happy. My pops in law has also sorted my pc for me so I can properly crack down with my photography set up. Im so excited as although I am becoming more and more disabled each day, im not going to let it make me a complete vegetable. I just cant. On a random note, I keep driving my head insane. I keep thinking how lush it is going to be in a few weeks time if our test comes back positive and we know that our family is going to grow, and then I keep mentally twisting things about how rubbish a mummy im going to be because I cant run around or ride a bike and much more with any iggle piggles we may have. Am I being selfish. Am I setting myself up for failing. Will I mentally screw up our child!? I just dont know what to do. Im also pretty sure this stressing really isnt going to help. My PTSD is making life really hard again right now. I cant wait for this phase to go. For now though, im led snuggled with my lady watching 'Gravity' as it arrived in the post today. Excited!! TTFN XXXX

Not Your Typical Sunday!!

Panic struck last night. After roughly 10 minutes after we turned off the lights to settle to sleep, I started coughing. At first I though, ah its only a cough...and then it continued and each breath I tried taking I was coughing instantly and I couldnt catch my breath, then, my chest went tight. The minute this second stage happen I thought, bollocks, I cant have an attack now, I must get to Dorset this week. So, on goes the lights again, and off with the nebs I go, thankfully, because I jumped on it as quickly as it arrived. A few nebs and I was settled so I was a happy bunny and went to sleep. Today on the other hand, I swear the pollen count is high. My throat is so itchy and scratchy (shoooow...sorry had to add that in) and irritated that its like im swollowing glass, that and a streaming nose and just generally feeling yucky, hay fever style!! I have a funny feeling that yhese new antihistamines arnt liking my body as much and I may have to go back to my old ones. Again this rash on my face that ive been telling you about decided to reappear. We really are confused as to what could be causing it. Its not overly itchy, but its coming up in the exact same places as what it always is and its like a red/orange sort of colour. It really is baffleing us. I guess if it persists ill have to go to the docs about that also...oh they are going to love me!! In chirpier news though, we took the pup around the feild again this morning and she had a good old paddle in the stream. Then we took her to a shop called trago, got her a jumping hoop to practice some agility tricks. We also took her around the pond that is there also. After our trip there, we were off to our friends who live near Looe. We got invited for dinner with them and it was super lush. We nattered masses and she also gave me my birthday present. Yes ok its late, but (and a huge but) im going to let her off as she made it herself, and when you have a 7 month old teething baby, thats going to be a huge challenge. Anyway, it was a knitted slouch hat made in rainbow cours with its main colour yellow which is epic as its my favourite colour. I love it that much its been on my head from the minute she gave it me to the minute ive jumped into bed. Whilst we were with our friend, because the live in the middle of nowgere in the country side, we went for a little gander to the next farm over to have a look at the new baby lambs. I just wish I had my blinking camera. After all this excitment, I decided my car was now disgustingly filfthy, so we went to the car wash. Dixie was petrified and when the turny clothy thing was coming at us, Dixie couldnt have backed up and further into my lap. Atleast we can say shes heard new noises. With all this business going on, when we got home I literally collapsed on the sofa. We found out that my other halfs sister has been really sad today as shes having a lot of problems with her lower back. Recently she got diagnosed with a curviture of the spine and it is leaving her in agony despite being on lots of pain releif. Along with this, because of the pain and the drugs shes currently on, she cant drive to work and she also cant do her job because shes a midwife. I feel mega sorry for her as I know exactly how she feels. Because she lives roughly 200 miles away from us I felt helpless so me and my other half decided to send her a balloon through the post. Its great. Its a tortoise that has little feet that weigh the helium balloon down so in theory it walks when you pull it along with the string. We just hope it makes her smile, even if just for five brief minutes!! We will let you know. Its due to be delivered on Tuesday!! Well thats all for now... TTFN XXXX

Battle Through

My intentions today were to continue in bed trying to fight off this flu, unfortunatly though, my other half had volunteering at lunch time and work up extremly worried and scared because she had never been on a Thursday and didnt know anyone (she sufferes from depression, anxiety and panic attacks). So I decided that I would take her in for 12, hang around town for an hour and then be right outside for her at one. If she needed me before hand then she could ring and I would be there in se onds. I figured this was the least I could do after how shes looked after me this week. Whilst in town, I found these amazing bright orange wellies, so I got them for my partner. Because of the weather, the feild by us as become very wet and muddy abd it was ruining her trainers so she said she wanted dog walking wellies...and low and behold, whilst charity shop shopping, these were staring right at me. When my other half saw them after she had finished volunteering her face was beaming at the sight of them. I think its safe to say I chose good. After all of this, we decided to go to our usual cafe and have a coffee date. We use to do this regularly before we got a little short in money so it was lush being able to do that again. Instead of going home to rest, I then decided we should take the pup for a walk around the feild (and of course to test these wellies ha). We didnt walk far, or shall I say I didnt. My other half though ran half way across the feild, we took her off the lead and we started calling her name between us both, so not only was she gettig a good run around but she was also learning her call back. Might I add she done blinking amazing. Finally we got home, and I collapsed on the sofa...literally. we figured it was ti.e for a well earnt dvd, so put on the woman in black...and within minutes I fell asleep...oops It has been a busy couple of hours throughout the day, and looking back now I have yet again pushed my self to far, but I guess I cant laze around all the time. We also purchased a little owl book today where we have started writing a journal for our process with the baby so that when they are older, they have something they can read to look back on their journey. Hope it works as well as what it does in our heads. for now though, crufts is calling TTFN XXXX