Well, tonight I have figured enough is enough, my parents kind of know what has gone on with me but to be honest we haven't really spoke about it. So now I feel it maybe time to let it out all out altogether and I'm sorry if any of my friends read this and it changes the way you think of me or in fact you decide you don't want to talk to me again or be my friend. To be truthful though if you don't want to know me once you read this then I guess your not a true friend after all and Ill stick with the people who will stand by me. So if it turns out you are one of these people, well, goodbye and thanks for chatting...
...Right now to get to the point of this blog.
So basically, for a very long time I have been questioning who I am and what I want, but this has just been to myself, and I've never really spoken to anyone about it until recently.
Things naturally progressed and life carried on...great. Until I was 17 and a person who I had thought was a very close friend who I laughed with lots and helped out with their little girl and spent lots of time with came onto me. I was very shocked to say the least as its not what I expected and didn't know how I felt...because she was a girl. As mentioned above, I've always questioned things but never really explored.
Once all the shock had passed with the fact that she had just kissed me, I guess in my head that it clicked that yes this is who I may be but with still being young it was all still very confusing.
Initially I never told my mum and when I moved in with this girl I just told people I was moving in to help out financially.
So many people had asked me if we were together but I had to say no as she wasn't ready to come out to the world (yet she made the first move. So as your probably guessing, yup this was confusion number two for me)
A year after we were together and she started getting bored. She started to become abusive. It started with just throwing things and then moved on to throwing things at me, then to hitting me. During the next year of me stupidly staying with her as she "promises she wont do it again" I had been punch, kicked, pushed down stairs, bite, attempted strangulation, and also had her daughter taught to hit me also. Yes I know your probably all thinking why an earth did she stay...Well to be truthful once your in that situation it really isn't all that easy to get out. I tried to talk to the police but they wouldn't listen. I so tried to tell friends I thought I trusted but because our friends were joint, they always believed her as they would ask her daughter who would always lie. Thankfully on the strangulation attempt I drove straight to one of the peoples houses who I trusted and showed them my neck to prove things. This work for a little while and I was believed...Until round 50+ of the punch round and because on this one occasion I hit back I was suddenly the baddie...how could I possible hit someone!?
So, September 2010 I had made the decision that I was finally getting out. This was helped by the fact I bad been punched in a visual place, had my ribs broken and had been ran over...I was getting out, by taking an overdose. All I remember about it was texting my step mum saying that all was OK and that I wasn't now having to take an emergency bed up in their home yet again. For some reason she didn't like the sound of the text, left work early can came flying around to the house. My breathing was pretty much non existant and I was very very drowsy.
I took 80+ paracetamol and 30+ co-codamol. If my step mum had of ignored my text, I would have got what I wished for...FREEDOM!!
After staying in hospital for a few nights needing medication and to speak to psychology, I left hospital. I managed to persuade the psych team that as it was my first suicide attempt it was a one off and as a result I didn't need a follow up.
I had to have 3 months off work to sort things out and make sure I was mentally stable enough to work back on the ward. During this time I had found that there were a few members of staff there that I was to become good friends with and I confided in them and told then some of what was going on and the reasons why. This turned out to be fantastic as on at least two occasions after I endured a beating, I could leave and meet up with them. Even if at 3am in the services station. Your probably thinking, hang on why she still getting beatings when she escaped post her overdose, well stupidly I went back. I forgot to mention that whilst I was in hospital this particular girl had rocked up to the hospital and in my dozy state had told me it was my fault she done it and that things would be better now as I would see sense. So even when my dad picked me up I still refused to go home with him and I was to go home with her.
In February I finally decided enough was enough and I was actually getting out. I couldn't cope so when she was in work I grabbed all my stuff and chucked it in my car and drove to my dads. Yes I no longer had to deal with the torture...physically. As the bitch still kept mentally bullying me. She would hack my facebook and text me at all hours. Being the bigger person I ignored them and 6 months later she gave up and left me alone.
Starting to get things back on track and all was great.
I still had a this in my mind as you cant just delete it from your brain, and then .y asthma started flaring up again and I was becoming brittle for round 2. Seriously how much more can my body cope with...
With my past, my lungs, not being able to work, loosing my job altogether, loosing my college course, loosing my home, getting into debt and having no income my brain starting ticking again and I have attempted to escape. None have been as bad as before and Ive never gone to hospital as a result, but yes I have taken further overdoses. I just don't know how to get myself out of this situation. I am refusing to go to the doctors to declare I am depressed as I don't want to have to start happy pills. I have seen many people take them and to be honest as of yet I have never seen anyone any happier whilst taking them.
Last week I started planing another suicide attempt. I was in ITU for my asthma and I decided enough was enough, I don't want this life any more. It sucks. I figured I was on the organ donation register, lets give life to someone who generally wants it. I guess in my mind the only reason these thought have jumped back at me is because I am still in debt, I still cant get into University and...there is this girl down in Cornwall who we have grown very close to and I guess I'm scared that it'll be the same scenario as before. Also, to me, I am still very confused with what I want and who I want to be. I'm worried my family wouldn't accept me and I'm worried Ill make a mistake again...I have spoke to my best friend about my confusion, she accepts me and has helped me the best she can, but I guess that does make the answer any easier to interpret and act upon.
So ending all would be so much easier.
Why does life have to be so hard!?
Why does life have to be so stereotypical!?
Why can't life just flow and everything be happy!?
I will apologise again for this post, especially if its all over the place and doesn't make huge amount of sense, but I know in my mind I have tried to do something about my thought, and this post has been wrote over three days and nights.
I have also been scared about pressing publish as I don't want to loose any friend, especially over the gay/bisexual scenario!! Well I really hope I don't anyway because I guess I'm not going to change who I am to please anyone else when I'm struggling so much to please myself!!
I could keep writing/ranting/thinking but I guess until I hit publish, I haven't a clue if this post is going to have been a good think or not.
Again I'm sorry if this shocks anyone and causes a block aid between us!!
TTFN
XXXX
After staying in hospital for a few nights needing medication and to speak to psychology, I left hospital. I managed to persuade the psych team that as it was my first suicide attempt it was a one off and as a result I didn't need a follow up.
I had to have 3 months off work to sort things out and make sure I was mentally stable enough to work back on the ward. During this time I had found that there were a few members of staff there that I was to become good friends with and I confided in them and told then some of what was going on and the reasons why. This turned out to be fantastic as on at least two occasions after I endured a beating, I could leave and meet up with them. Even if at 3am in the services station. Your probably thinking, hang on why she still getting beatings when she escaped post her overdose, well stupidly I went back. I forgot to mention that whilst I was in hospital this particular girl had rocked up to the hospital and in my dozy state had told me it was my fault she done it and that things would be better now as I would see sense. So even when my dad picked me up I still refused to go home with him and I was to go home with her.
In February I finally decided enough was enough and I was actually getting out. I couldn't cope so when she was in work I grabbed all my stuff and chucked it in my car and drove to my dads. Yes I no longer had to deal with the torture...physically. As the bitch still kept mentally bullying me. She would hack my facebook and text me at all hours. Being the bigger person I ignored them and 6 months later she gave up and left me alone.
Starting to get things back on track and all was great.
I still had a this in my mind as you cant just delete it from your brain, and then .y asthma started flaring up again and I was becoming brittle for round 2. Seriously how much more can my body cope with...
With my past, my lungs, not being able to work, loosing my job altogether, loosing my college course, loosing my home, getting into debt and having no income my brain starting ticking again and I have attempted to escape. None have been as bad as before and Ive never gone to hospital as a result, but yes I have taken further overdoses. I just don't know how to get myself out of this situation. I am refusing to go to the doctors to declare I am depressed as I don't want to have to start happy pills. I have seen many people take them and to be honest as of yet I have never seen anyone any happier whilst taking them.
Last week I started planing another suicide attempt. I was in ITU for my asthma and I decided enough was enough, I don't want this life any more. It sucks. I figured I was on the organ donation register, lets give life to someone who generally wants it. I guess in my mind the only reason these thought have jumped back at me is because I am still in debt, I still cant get into University and...there is this girl down in Cornwall who we have grown very close to and I guess I'm scared that it'll be the same scenario as before. Also, to me, I am still very confused with what I want and who I want to be. I'm worried my family wouldn't accept me and I'm worried Ill make a mistake again...I have spoke to my best friend about my confusion, she accepts me and has helped me the best she can, but I guess that does make the answer any easier to interpret and act upon.
So ending all would be so much easier.
Why does life have to be so hard!?
Why does life have to be so stereotypical!?
Why can't life just flow and everything be happy!?
I will apologise again for this post, especially if its all over the place and doesn't make huge amount of sense, but I know in my mind I have tried to do something about my thought, and this post has been wrote over three days and nights.
I have also been scared about pressing publish as I don't want to loose any friend, especially over the gay/bisexual scenario!! Well I really hope I don't anyway because I guess I'm not going to change who I am to please anyone else when I'm struggling so much to please myself!!
I could keep writing/ranting/thinking but I guess until I hit publish, I haven't a clue if this post is going to have been a good think or not.
Again I'm sorry if this shocks anyone and causes a block aid between us!!
TTFN
XXXX
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