Mentally Down

I know, I know, ive just done a blog, but thats about my day. This is about my mind. I have severe PTSD. Im STILL waiting for CBT. Ive been abandoned by the health care system. Im feeling alone. Im feeling scared. Im feeling vunerable. Could I harm myself...ive do e it before!! That previous few lines is exactly what has been going through my head for the last few days. I really dont know what to do. What has made it worse, and what nobody seems to be seeing is that my father in law has been admitted to the same hospital that I was admitted to, two days before christmas last year. Hes been admitted to the same ward I started off in before I was rushed to ITU. Im taking the same routes to get to his bed that I was taken before I was nearly dead. No one has asked me how ive been walking back into that hospital. No one has asked me if my flash backs and panic attacks have gotten worse since stepping back into the hospital. No one has offered to stay with me for five minutes when I need a breather to sort my head out. Yes ok, I know, a member of their family is in hospital and is poorly. Im not being horrible, but his observations or stable, hes not on oxygen, not being closly monitored and the doctors arnt worried about him. Hes only now still in hospital to sort out warfrin that he is now on. This may sound very selfish to anyone reading this, but when you have been that close to death, unfortunatly you have to try and live life, and frustraitingly my life is being restricted in more ways than one and I hate it. I want my life back I want to start a family and not have them worried about all my health needs I was the flash backs to stop I just want to be me!! TTFN XXXX

Days Like This Make Me Feel Lazy

So, last night I promised myself I will rest todays as I was just making myself beyond poorly, and thats exactly what I done, and I feel stupidly lazy with having done it, but its either rest up or land in hospital, I certainly know which sounds better. I filled my dad with reading mass loads of photography information to keep my mind active and keep me busy. My reasoning behind this is that I have started getting major flash backs again because if my severe PTSD. I figured that my best option would be to do something that would really challenge my mind rather than sitting infront of telly allowing my mind to wander. Granted it didnt help perfectly, but im pretty sure it could of been worse. My other half has been continuing her cake making ready for Saturday. I was sat out in the kitchen with her to keep glancing up to see her progress. It was lush to be able to just be us for the day. Made us bith really happy. My pops in law has also sorted my pc for me so I can properly crack down with my photography set up. Im so excited as although I am becoming more and more disabled each day, im not going to let it make me a complete vegetable. I just cant. On a random note, I keep driving my head insane. I keep thinking how lush it is going to be in a few weeks time if our test comes back positive and we know that our family is going to grow, and then I keep mentally twisting things about how rubbish a mummy im going to be because I cant run around or ride a bike and much more with any iggle piggles we may have. Am I being selfish. Am I setting myself up for failing. Will I mentally screw up our child!? I just dont know what to do. Im also pretty sure this stressing really isnt going to help. My PTSD is making life really hard again right now. I cant wait for this phase to go. For now though, im led snuggled with my lady watching 'Gravity' as it arrived in the post today. Excited!! TTFN XXXX