Days Like This Make Me Feel Lazy

So, last night I promised myself I will rest todays as I was just making myself beyond poorly, and thats exactly what I done, and I feel stupidly lazy with having done it, but its either rest up or land in hospital, I certainly know which sounds better. I filled my dad with reading mass loads of photography information to keep my mind active and keep me busy. My reasoning behind this is that I have started getting major flash backs again because if my severe PTSD. I figured that my best option would be to do something that would really challenge my mind rather than sitting infront of telly allowing my mind to wander. Granted it didnt help perfectly, but im pretty sure it could of been worse. My other half has been continuing her cake making ready for Saturday. I was sat out in the kitchen with her to keep glancing up to see her progress. It was lush to be able to just be us for the day. Made us bith really happy. My pops in law has also sorted my pc for me so I can properly crack down with my photography set up. Im so excited as although I am becoming more and more disabled each day, im not going to let it make me a complete vegetable. I just cant. On a random note, I keep driving my head insane. I keep thinking how lush it is going to be in a few weeks time if our test comes back positive and we know that our family is going to grow, and then I keep mentally twisting things about how rubbish a mummy im going to be because I cant run around or ride a bike and much more with any iggle piggles we may have. Am I being selfish. Am I setting myself up for failing. Will I mentally screw up our child!? I just dont know what to do. Im also pretty sure this stressing really isnt going to help. My PTSD is making life really hard again right now. I cant wait for this phase to go. For now though, im led snuggled with my lady watching 'Gravity' as it arrived in the post today. Excited!! TTFN XXXX

Feeling Low!!

I had a bit of a high moment around lunch time when I was printing two certificates that ive achieved for my photography and I was also ironing on transfers to baby grows ive decided to pimp for my sisters baby, but thats been it really for today. When I woke up first thing, I really didnt want to get out of bed. I woke with yet another migrane and mentally I just felt shit...literally. About 10am came and I figured I should actually get on with the day. Once all the exciting printing and ironing was done, I was yet again left on the sofa. This is lethal for me. It gives my mind far to much time to be able to think of things. I dont think it helps with the fact ive had to wack up my steroids because my peak flow had plummeted. But when ever my steroids are played about with, it makes my head and thoughts that little bit worse. Im also crapping myself about the procedure im having on Tuesday in hospital. Some people may say ah its only a needle in your hip joint. But 95% of people having this procedure will be knocked out for it, im not allowed this because my lungs decide they no longer want to work during this time, so I gave to stay wide awake. Im going to see if I can have gas and air atleat as I really dont think im going to be able to cope with the pain otherwise. Fingers crossed my head starts sorting itself out pretty soon as internally its starting to stress me out, and I really dont want to take it out on the other half. Only time will tell!! TTFN XXXX

Becoming Aware

Today I received my indepth letter from the Birmingham psychologist after my appointment with her on the 5th of February. To an outside person or sombody medical like my local consultant or my potential new local psychologist this is one fantastic letter, but for me, it just hits home for how "poorly" my mind actually is. She startes that I have moderatly high post traumatic stress which is both on intrusions and avoidance and my scoring on one of the tests I had to do on the day was 59. Aparently the cut off period for the score is 33 so mine is pretty bad concidering. I still find it hard to know that there is something wrong and that if I hadnt of left it so long and tried fighting it myself then it potentially wouldnt have got tjis baf. I guess we learn from our mistakes hey!! I have tried doing some of the techniques that the psychologist taught me to do. Ive currently now drawn three pictures which are the nightmares Im getting made humorous. Ive also been doing a meditation technique called leaves on a stream. Ive had to hold back a little though because it has been getting really intense and really scaring me, making me want to cry all the time. It is also making me feel even more vunerable, and im trying my best to not let the other half see this. I dont want her to worry. I will of course let her read the three page letter if she likes, but if she wants to talk about it, itll have to ve later when her parents arnt around as I dont want them getting involved in my life. Yes they are technically now my family, but not directly, and I dont want everyone knowing my business. I am very much a private person and physically talking to people is hard. I never like the responses I get, they are either sad, cry worthy of negetive or on the other had, they are those annoying positive results which yes in reality would be good, but unless your living that particular life you will never know how hard it actually is!! Admittedly it is all starting to hit home and I am ready to break down but I dont want to make everyo.e else sad. Maybe I should start think about myself once in a while...if only it was that easy hey. Well I think that was a complete and utter bit of randomness and I bet half if it doesnt make sense...well welcome to my head ha. TTFN XXXX