Terrified

Im home...thats the main thing. By this though im home in body, not in mind. Two weeks ago, my other half went out for a walk with Dixie. About half an hour later it started to happen. I was so scared. I had no idea how long she would be and I couldny get through to her as she had no signal. So I sat there waiting. Nebbing. Worrying. When my lovely lady returned she was worried. She called an ambulance straight away. Because of how long I was sat there on my own nebbing, by the time the ambulance crew came my chest was silent. Honestly though I was only sat there for roughly 45 minutes and then we were waiting about 10 minutes for tge ambulance crew so not really that long considering how I used to leave things whilst living in the city. Being rushed into resus I knew what was coming...shit loads of blood gases and boy wasnt I fight. The nurse that was assigned to me was initially nice...and then found out I was gay. She gave my partner the most filfiest look ever, then chucked a peak flow meter at me, then yanked the neb mask off my face half way through a neb and told me I need to stop panicking. By this point I was telling my other half, one more bit of nasty treatment and I was leaving and taking myself to plymouth. The doctot that was assigned to me initially didnt want me to have any drugs either. I told her what treatment I needed but she said I wasnt poorly enough. Off she sends me for another xray as the first wasnt all that clear and then come back to me and says "I would like to do another blood gas as the first two shows signs off deterioration. If this one does also ill put up some magnesium and we will have to get ITU to take a look at you". Funnily enough because treatment hadnt been started, my third blood gas was worse again. After one lot of IV antibiotics, my cannula tissued and my arm blew up. I told the doctor but they didnt believe me so left it 3 hours for my arm to shrink before running the magnesium through it. And guess what, my arm blew up again and they had to recanulate. By this point of course I had been moved to the medical admissions unit to be closely monitored. I think it was around 5 am (though not entirly sure as I was asleep) and I got woken by the lady doctor again asking if I was ok as my observations were going off the chart. She listen to my chest and the next thing I know shes running away from me. Then I heard it, she was on the phone to ITU. 4 more blood gases later, 15liters of oxygen on a rebreathe mask and finally the magnesium, oh and of course an ITU doctor. Thankfully though at this point the remained wanting to keep an eye on me. By the time alk this had happened it was now morning (officially in hospital world) and I had the day med reg come to see me who thankfully was a respiratory reg. She was not impressed with how I had been treated and demanded I needed IV aminophylinne immediatly. Once this was up and running, and I had all the oxygen running through for roughly 12 hours I started to feel a little better. The lovely resp reg came back to see me at 8pm to make sure I was ok before going home. We had a good old chat and she told me that she spoke to my team at derriford and new abit more about my asthma which was going to help her treat me. Unfortunatly though the next day she was in clinic and wasnt able to review me herself. Once all the aminophylinne had run through, my partner took me in my wheelchair out to the corridor on my oxygen to see my friend. She wasnt allowed on the ward because she has an 8 month old son which is fair enough. Whilst out in the corridor, the resp doc saw me and asked how I was. I told her the truth. I was starting to feel shit again since the drip had been down. By 9pm, I had 4 doctirs at my bed. The resp reg couldnt make it herself to see me but she sent a team of docs into review me. Suprise suprise my chest was back to being silent...AGAIN. Another dose of magnesium and more aminophylinne and we were going through it all again...and ITU looki g after me on the ward because there were no beds up in ITU. (This following bit I cant actually remember, its what my partners told me) The next day, I was very very sleeepy. After lunch I got up for a wee and then I remember no more. Aparently I was very sleepy and not really responding. I had more magnesium and of course the aminophylinne was still running. My partner got asked whether she wanted my mum to drive down because I was really poorly. The next thing I know, my mum and step dad, my mother in law, plus 3 docs, 2 nurses an ITU reg and an ITU consultant was at my bed...and I was off to intensive care. The next 24 hours was all a bit of a blur and I hated it. Thankfully though the ITU team were fantastic, though left me bruised from foot to wrist...literally as they started using my feet to get blood and give me drugs. It turns out that the whole of the lower half my lungs were fully of infection. The nasty thing is, because the Infection was irritating my lungs so much I had now started coughing up blood. I had physios and doctors all working with me to help me get better. A week later I felt better. I was no where near safe but I couldnt cope being on ITU so I asked to go home if there was no beds on the resp ward. My pf was still only 150 but I agreed to stay in bed and not move...and ive stuck to my word. The thi g that got me the most in ITU was a CODP man got rushed in 2 days after me. He started iff breathing on his own. It then mived to NIV. And then it moved to him being tubed. Everything I could hear was exactly like when I was tubed. I didnt sleep at all since that man arrived. Each time I closed my eyes I got flash backs and was terrified. So on the wednesday the docs agreed for my mental health It would be safe for me to go home. I have my partner here looking after me and ITU arranged for the early intervention team to pay me a few visits to make sure I was still going in the right direction. Now that im home though, im still not sleeping well. Im napping on and off throughoit the afternoon. Then I fall asleep at mindnight for an hour and then im awake again till 0630. I think sleep for roughly another 1 - 2 and then im awake again. I hate it. I just want to sleep and recover. Thankfully though, I have a great friend who stayed with me through facebook when my attack started two weeks ago and this same friend has allowed me to use her netflix account so that I can watch films through out the night on my kindle whilst my other half and pooch are asleep besides me. One bonus about being awake at 5am is that you get to hear the birds waking up as everything else is silent. Its actually very peacful. TTFN XXXX