Bloody Council

Today was the day that i was getting arsy with the council if they hadnt started responding to me with answers about whats happening with us with regards to being rehomes.

By about 11am i had a phone, when they said it was the council i was think; great about bloody time...boy wasnt i mistaken. It was the council saying that they wont accept the paperwork that got sent to them last week by the homeless team. As always i questioned why and blinking heck it made me boil and they certainly knew about it. The reason the wont accept it is because we "just have asthma and just have depression" so it doesnt make us a priority and they more than likely wont get us a home by the 6th of October. By this point i was near on screaming down the phone asking if there was medical professionals on the panel, and guess what, there isnt. Finding out this then made me scream at her about how would they know what my BRITTLE asthma was like and what my SEVERE PTSD and my other halfs SEVERE DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY was like. I asked her if she was one of the panels members to which she said yes, so my next question was, have u ever heard of proximal myopathy and know what it does...and guess what, her answer was no. So i told her we should not all be tarred with the same brush, for one BRITTLE asthma is nowhere near anything like WORK RELATED asthma.

So all in all, myself and my girlfriend wont be getting a home by the 6th October and despite the fact im on higher rate DLA for both componants and the support section of ESA,  it means nothing because our illnessesare basic.

We then thought find, screw you council will go private...but wait...we cant. Because we dont work, wet need a guarantor and we dont have one.

All in alm we are fucked!!!!!!!!!!!

TTFN

XXXX

Quick Update

Ok in short, im still very much depressed, if not worse, im still packing and we still have no where to live in 2.5 weeks.

To top things off, out middly rabbit has now come down with a respiratory infection so hes now onnantibiotics twice a day. Something we really didnt need right now.

There has been progress though, tomorrow at 2pm we are having an interview with the homeless team. We blinking hope that they can actually do something for us. So far they seem great though. Today after the appointment was made they faxed my GP asking for a full report about my health which sounds positive though annoyingly theyve not received the update from immunology about my new treatment which we really could of done with. Though ive left the secretary a message and i just pray they can help us out also.

TTFN

XXXX

Wants Life To End

Literally, after today i really cant take any more.

All weekend ive been  spiralling further and further down because of things that are going on and im getting toy far into my depression im now struggling to pull myself out.

Being at mums was good in the fact that it was just me and my beautiful girlfriend but in theory it was just putting off the inevitable.

As soon as we got home, the shit literally hit the fan.

Argument kicked off, we were called ever name under the sun and we were made to feel like utter crap

And guess what the cause of it was...yup you got it, the happiest day of our lives, our  wedding.

My family have suprisingly been very supportive and happy for us. My partners on the other hand have really really kicked off, to the point theyve now told me im no longer doing their wedding photography and my  partner is no longer their bridesmaid. All this is because they arnt coming to the "ceremony" section of our wedding.

We are both so upset.

Its our day, we dont get why we are being treates like this.

Ive now contacted the welfare team for the councel explaining the urgency to get our own house as i fear that if im kept in this situation i will try to end my life again. They are just seeing what they can do to help and then will get back to us.

In good news though, ive now completed hat number 150 so another box is complete and ready to send.

TTFN

XXXX

Loosing The Will!!

These last 24 to 48 hours mentally for me have been a huge struggle.

Im still struggling to see the future. Im struggling to see what the point is. My health is just going to get worse, i dont want to end up like a vegetable and having everything done for me. Thats no life. Especially when ive had such a full on, busy, outgoing and active lifestyle up untill now.

Some people may say but think about what youve got and what youve achieve so far or even, there are worse people out there...yes thats great but for me, this drastic life change has hit me hard.

How would you feel if youve been told, roughly 10 years time you could be severly disabled or that you cant carry your own children or that if your partner was to have children you will never be able to run around with them at the park etc etc...i have been told all this and the reality behind it sucks.

5 years ago, i was working at bristol childrens hospital as a health care assistant and i bloody loved my job. I also had an acceptance to Surrey University to start my paramedic training and I also got accepted by London Ambulance service as a student paramedic. These last two where to be started after i decided to take a gap year and see what the hospital enviornment was like...it was then a few months later my lungs took a huge turn for the worst ... and then i lost everything. My career, my flat, my life.

I see people running in the street keeping fit and i think to myself, 5 years ago that was me. I would go running every night and then 3 times a week i would do a 6 mile walk followed 40 lengths in the swimmingpool. I can barly walk 30 yeards and only do 20 lengths if that in the pool.

Its gutting.

I hate it.

Why does life have to be so cruel.

Sometimes its difficult hearing other peoples issues to. When you have so much going on in your own life and your own head it makes you feel that little bit worse. Not only because i cant help them but because i know how they feel. I know what its like to have such a drastic life change.

Someone a few months ago passed a comment on facebook to me that i thought was extrermly harsh considering what i use to do and what i try and do now. They posted a photo of a stunning hotel they were staying in and i simply said, you may have to share some of your money so that we can have such lovely holidays...there response was - not being funny but we work hard, earn our money and deserve a break. This tore my heart to shreads as like i said before, i was in a job etc and persuing a massive future. Even now, im still doing photography so its not like im sitting on my arse.

Its things like this that are sticking in my head. Tearing me down and adding to my already complicated PTSD.

My other half still doesnt know the full story of whats going on in my head. It scares me. I cant scare her too. Thats 100% unfair.

Who knows, tomorrow may be different. Ive tried keeping busy today and knitted 5 more NICU hats and the sleeves for the baby cardigan im making. I also had a follow up appointment with the maxifacial specialist after i had a tumor removed from my lip just before christmas...and even this news wasnt perfect as he told me it will grow back and could turn into cancer at any point. Fab hey!!

TTFN

XXXX

Down Again

To start things off yesterday was HELL!!

Went down to check on the rabbits like normal and Mr Spice still hadnt ate or drank at all. So other than the syringe feeding hes not had anything on his own accord so I rang the vets and we rushed him over there.

We got into the vets and as I predicted, his teeth had overgrown again. Sadly Mr Spice has deformed teeth and he refuses to eat hay so his teeth grown up into his head and around his cheeks. As a result he was in agony and went off his food. He needed emergency surgery. We were waiting around the vets for 7 hours because I didnt want to leave him. With him being 7, there was an 80% chance he wouldnt make it. Thankfully though, he did and he is now back home with us and is an gorgeous as ever!!

Today how ever has just dragged me down that little bit more.

On Saturday we handed out the last of our wedding invites, and lets just say, a fair few people are not impressed at all. Not just because they arnt invited to the ceremony, but because our dads wont be walking us down the aisle, no one is wedding dress shopping with us (as my other half is making her dress) and they have to pay for the evening meal.

Weve literally had non stop hell about how we are doing it.

Today, I dropped my other half off at work, and as soon as I got home her parents near on cornered me and interigated me for why we are doing the wedding the way we are. I told them that the day is about us and we cant afford a big do, to which I couldnt cope with anyway.

It seems like know one is happy for us. From word go, the day we starting seeing each other, someone has had a comment to say...and not nice comments either.

I just dont get it. We r happy, why cant people be happy for us!?

TTFN

XXXX

happiness vs tension

To start things off I am over the moon to tell you all that myself and my lovely lady now officially have the same surname. Some may think this is crazy, but to us its the next best thing to getting married and as we cant afford that yet, this is equally as great and both ends up with the same result. The second best thing about this is that when we eventually start a family, we will all now have the same surname, we will be more like a joint family Excited at last!! Where there us good news though, there is always bad news. My other halfs sister got really horrible about the fact we didnt tell her we were planning on changing our names, she also said it was pathetic that we done it. As well as this, she then started getting pissy about some of the statuses we put on facebook - erm excuse me, but is it not my facebook!? If you dont like it, delete me!! This caused a huge argument within the house and really didnt help situations. In other news, things are still very much the same with regards to the puppies, my girlfriends mum and her general attitude daily. The atmospher as a result is crap, theres no longer nice jolly daily conversations, just constant bitching, jealouse and snappy talking. I hate it, i moved out from my mum because of things like this, I dont need it again. Im just really pleased that it hasnt come between me and my girlfriend as that would be really decestating. Well im off, got an appointment tomorrow at plymouth for my lungs so another busy day!! TTFN XXXX

I Just Dont Get It!!

As you all know I have had my lovely other half with me now for a few weeks and last week it was time for me to spend some time down at her home with her family.

Last Wednesday we were out in town when I had a voicemail from my nan blaiming me for the fact my mum had been rushed to hospital having chest pain and that I had to get back from Cornwall and go and sort her out.

I rang my sister to find out what was going on as I hadnt heard anything other than this voicemail to be called a self bitch for ignoring mums texts and not caring for anyone else other than myself.

It turns out that mum had sent these text to my email accoubt which I obviously wouldnt have got in the middle of town.

This all obviously upset me as I was being blamed for something I hadnt caused. And what if I didnt live with mum. What if I did actually live with the other half in Cornwall. Would it still have been my fault and would I still have been called a selfish bitch!?

I was willing to let all this past as I cant deal with the stress, but for the last week my sister wont speak to my and neither will my nan, to the point that no one is ringing the house phone just to avoid contact. My mum has also been very secretive and going upstairs and shutting doors when on the phone so I cant hear what shes saying and also has only spoke to me when she wants something.

Not exactly fair right!?

I dont know what to do, am I really a self bitch!? Did I really cause this chest pain?! Am I ever going to be able to move out and not get called every name under the sun.

All I want is an apology from my nan and sister for blaming me for ignoring mum and causing her chest pain when one its mums fault I didnt get and text and 2 I cant physically cause chest pain from 100 miles away and having not spoke to her.

Its driving me mental. Do they not realise what this is doing to me!?

TTFN

XXXX